


Thirty One Days

by MeredithBrody



Series: Pretty Little Distance [1]
Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: F/M, Multi, alex is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-02-15 09:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 150,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13028037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: The aftermath of Alex Kirkman's fatal car crash is felt most acutely by two members of the White House. Tom Kirkman, who lost his wife and best friend... and Kendra Daynes, the only member of staff to witness the event. They always say the first month is the hardest...





	1. Day Zero (a)

**Author's Note:**

> So, this starts immediately after the events of 2x10, and continues in my little universe for the first month. Thirty-One Days (hence the title). Every chapter is split into three parts, each told from a different POV. Part one is Kendra, part two is Seth, part three is Tom. 
> 
> It's going to be a bumpy ride. Prepare for basically all the angst.

***Kendra***

Kendra had to admit, Alex’s gamble had paid off. She hadn’t been sure about taking it, but in the end, it was exactly what was needed. It had shamed Forstell into playing fair, and on top of that, it had helped them all get a win that they needed. Kendra was looking forward to getting back to the more mundane aspects of the job. She pulled her phone out to text Seth and see if he fancied getting dinner when she heard a crunch and everything skidded to a halt. She braced herself on the chair in front of her as she felt the breaks and frowned looking around. “What the hell just happened?” 

“Ma'am I need you to stay in the car.” She didn't really know the agent who was driving the car that she'd been bundled into when Mrs Kirkman had said that she wanted some privacy. Kendra had been fine with that, on the way down she'd still been running through potential legal strategies that she'd known that First Lady wouldn't approve of, and now she had been planning on using it to arrange her evening with her colleagues. Things that she really didn't want her boss’ wife knowing about. “Stay put.” The order came again, but there was no way in hell that she wasn't going to see what was happening.

”Like hell.” She slid the door open and looked around at the carnage of the car following them. It was a mangled wreck, and Kendra had to pause a second before she realised that the car directly behind the one she'd been in had been the one they put the First Lady in. “Is that… the First Lady’s car? ALEX!” She screamed and tried to run forward, making it just far enough to see the slumped over form in the back seat. Kendra wasn't a doctor, but she knew that nobody could survive the injuries that she could see. “Alex!!” She screamed again, being caught around the waist by another agent as she tried to run to grab her.

“Get her back to the White House, now.” Kendra couldn't focus on who was saying anything, she was still desperately trying to get to the car, to prove to herself that Alex Kirkman was not really dead. It wasn't real, it couldn't be real. She didn't think that she would be able to cope with it if it was. Kendra still fought the agent carrying her, but he had half a foot and probably 100 lbs on her, and it wasn't really a fair fight. How could she face anyone if she didn't keep fighting?

Soon she was too far away to even see the remains of the car she'd been travelling ahead of. It was only then that she could try and control herself, though she couldn't control the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I need… I need to call Emily... And the senior staff…” They would all need to know, especially Seth, he was going to be facing a lot of questions about this, and Kendra was likely to be the only witness who would speak about it. “Can I be the one to call the President?” 

“I don’t know ma'am. My orders are to get you back to the White House, and that’s what I’m about to do.” This agent seemed young, and Kendra wasn't sure if he'd ever been on a detail with her before. He was going to learn quickly that she didn't do very well with being handled. “Get in the car, or I will pick you up and throw you in there.” That didn't sound pleasant, so she got in, even though she wanted to try and get back to Alex. “Stay here and I'll see if you can give the notification.”

“You can call the President, Kendra. I'll be here to answer any questions.” Jack Danlowe climbed in beside her. One of Mike's most senior agents and often on the First Lady's detail. No doubt this was hurting him as much as it was hurting anyone. He was charged with protecting her, and that duty had been failed today. It wasn't his fault, truthfully it was nobody's fault, 

“Thank you.” She was actually thankful there was going to be someone there for when and if she needed someone else to talk to the President about what happened. She didn't know if anyone else was even going to know yet. She assumed that Emily would be told, especially since protocol actually said that the Chief of Staff is notified before the President, but Kendra didn't really care.

“ _ Kendra, what can I do for you? _ ” The President sounded cheerful. She'd been told he'd gone to visit the baby they'd had a hand in saving. That had been a good side to the day. They'd saved a baby and 20 other lives. But this was going to over-shadow absolutely everything that they'd been through today. The rest would be forgotten, all that would be remembered was that the First Lady died today.

“Sir… There's been an accident with the motorcade… Your wife…” She couldn't continue, but she had to. She wanted to be the one who said the words first to him. Not that she thought he'd hear anything after she told him that Alex was dead. “I'm sorry sir, she didn't make it.” At that point, the tears took over again and she just handed her phone to Jack then buried her head in her hands again. This couldn't be real, it just couldn't be.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had been having quite a pleasant day. For once his sarcastic answers had been just what was needed, his typical avoidance of questions being mandated by the White House counsel. Kendra had even given him a few statements when she realised that they had been outed to the press. He was sat twiddling his thumbs as he saw his phone starting to light up, and upon seeing the name on it he just smiled. “Kendra, how'd it go?”

“ _ Seth… _ ” There was something wrong. He didn't need to know her well to be able to tell that. She actually sounded like she'd been crying, and not just a little either. That automatically made him worried. Especially since he doubted that Kendra would cry if she lost a case. Something was wrong and he didn't like that he couldn't even guess at what it was. 

“Ken, what's wrong?” He used her nickname, speaking quietly, but as soon as he saw Lyor passing the door he whistled and waved, figuring that if something had upset her this much it was probably something that they both needed to know. He tried not to look even more concerned as he heard her sobs as she tried to bring herself back to the point where she could speak. 

“ _ Emily's not answering her phone and… And I don't know if… I just… _ ” Emily wasn't answering her phone, that was unusual for her. No matter the situation Emily normally answered her phone even in the middle of the night. Given what Kendra had been doing today, Seth would have thought that a call from Kendra would have been the highest of priorities.

“Kendra, what's happened. I have Lyor here too.” As he switched over to loudspeaker all you could hear again were Kendra's sobs as she tried to control her sobs. Seth wasn't sure about Lyor, but right now he was just angry that Kendra wasn't already there with them, where they could at least comfort her. One look up told him that Lyor was thinking the exact same thing, and that made Seth feel a little better, at least they were on the 

“ _ The first lady is dead. _ ” It came out so bluntly, so suddenly, that Seth didn't actually register it at first. How would the First Lady be dead? They had only just left the FBI, and somehow he was fairly sure that there would have been far more on the news by now if something had happened there. Lyor, as if reading Seth's mind, turned a TV on, but no news about the First Lady. 

“No… you were just with the FBI…?” He spluttered, his mind still not really catching up with what was being put into it. Seth knew that Kendra had no reason to lie, no reason to have called them, clearly in a state, and tell them something untrue. It must have just happened, and so it hadn't hit the news yet.

“Kendra, what happened?” Lyor took over, his more rational thinking process giving him the chance to think it through more than the rest of them had had. Lyor also barely knew the first lady. He'd only been here a few months, not even a full year just yet, and there was no reason for his path to cross with the First Lady. That wasn't true for the rest of them.

There were more sobs, and someone asking Kendra if she needed a minute. Seth guessed it was probably Jack. He wouldn't want to leave Kendra with union agents after something like this. Another few breaths and a faltering voice began again. “ _ A truck just t-boned the motorcade… I was one car ahead… She asked for privacy so I gave it to her. _ ”

“Where are you?” Lyor asked, putting his hand on Seth's shoulder and squeezing. Seth was absolutely certain that Kendra was going to need both of them to be strong for her. They may both be affected by it, but she was right there. He knew that there were going to be issues that she would need to deal with.

“ _ On… I’m on my way back to the White House. _ ” The sobs were making way for sniffles, but Seth was fairly sure that was just Kendra’s way of trying to control herself. It likely wasn’t going to last. They all just gave her a few seconds to keep trying to calm. When she started speaking again Seth could tell she was still breaking down, just trying to pretend that she wasn’t. “ _ You're going to need to start… Drafting a statement for the press. _ ”

“I'm more worried about you right now.” Seth cut her off. He knew he’d need to do his job too, but Kendra was someone he loved, and she was struggling. “We'll meet you at the entrance to the West Wing, okay? We both will.” He was sure that Lyor would want to let Kendra know they were there as much as he did.

“ _ Try and keep a lid on it for now… Maybe not meeting in public. _ ” Something about that request made Seth pause, he didn’t understand and so he looked to Lyor, who was clearly understanding more of Kendra’s unsaid words than he was. ‘She won’t cope’ Lyor mouthed, and Seth just nodded.

“You try and get control of yourself when you get back, okay?” Seth couldn’t actually believe they were having to think about this, it wasn’t really settling in his brain yet that this had really happened. Maybe it wouldn’t at all until he got word from Emily or the President that it would actually settle in his mind. Until then it just seemed unreal.

“ _ I'll meet you in my office. _ ” That was a better idea, undoubtedly, and he had the key. Kendra dealt with a lot of classified issues that even he and Lyor didn’t have clearance for, but she trusted them with the key to her office. Largely because she knew they wouldn’t go snooping if they weren’t invited.

“We'll be there,” Lyor said, and Seth frowned a little as Kendra hung up. He didn’t really need to think before getting up and grabbing the key and heading over to Kendra’s office. She’d have been driven back as quickly as possible after an accident, he was sure, and Seth wanted to be there when she got back.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom can hear the voices all around him, but truthfully nothing is registering. The last thing he remembered was Kendra’s voice. Just as soft as it always was, caring, honest… telling him the last thing anyone ever wanted to hear. He had no reason to doubt it, and he hadn’t even needed to look at anyone else to know that it was true. The Secret Service had probably already known, but they’d let Kendra tell him. To hear it from someone on his staff? Someone he felt close to? He didn’t know. “Sir?” It was repeated again, someone trying to lift him from the heap he’d fallen into after hearing those words.

A conversation was still happening, and he knew he needed to focus, needed to try and regain some semblance of dignity, but what was the point? Just this morning they’d been making plans. “We need to get him back to the White House.” Tom wanted to scream, wanted to say that he couldn’t go back without Alex. He didn’t know if he could look at all their things knowing she wouldn’t come back and tell him to clean up. What was he supposed to do with it?

“You may have to carry him… we’ll use the service entrance.” Tom knew at that he really should try and stand up, but he didn’t have the strength in his body to do that. He hadn’t even realised that there were tears streaming down his face and that he was still letting out softer wails of anguish and despair. He felt like everything was ending, and meaningless. What could possibly happen that would bring him back from this?

“We’re also going dark, after what happened we need to shake up which car he’d be in.” 

“You think it’s targeted?”

“No, but I’m not taking any chances.” The voices continued, but Tom stopped trying to focus. He let what was going to happen, happen. He felt himself being lifted, being carried out to a car. He was paying no attention to anything that was going on, just letting life pass him by. He was numb, exhausted. By the time they got back to the White House he was able to get up himself and was able to walk through to the oval, though he was ignoring everyone.

Most people didn’t know what had happened tonight yet. The Secret Service wouldn’t tell anyone other than Emily and Aaron. The rest of them would find out when he was ready to tell them. This would be one of the most locked down secrets in American history. He wasn’t going to be the one making the statement though. He needed to be with Penny and Leo. He trusted Emily to make that announcement. 

Thinking about the logical things helped him focus. That was clearly what he needed to do right now. On top of that, he knew that he needed to see Alex, no matter the state she was in. It was the only thing that would make all of this real to him. Seeing her would remove any possibility of this not being real. He was alone with Emily before he actually wanted to speak to anybody. “I want to make arrangements to see her.” 

“I can look into that sir.” Emily just nodded, holding a clipboard as it was obvious they were both thinking the same thing. There were so many things he wanted at this moment and not one of them was going to happen. Mostly he wanted for Alex to be sat up in the residence, playing with Penny, getting ready for Christmas the following day. No doubt reminding him they still needed to open their presents.

Thinking about that reminded him that Alex hadn’t been alone today. Kendra had been with her, at the FBI and likely would have travelled with the motorcade. Most likely they would have been travelling together, depending on how they had been feeling at the time. He knew that Kendra had called him to tell him, but that didn’t mean that she hadn’t been injured at the time. “Was Kendra in the car with her?”

“No sir, Mrs Kirkman had asked for privacy so Kendra was in a different car.” Emily’s answer both relieved him and, somehow, sparked a little bit of anger in him. Why he didn’t know, but it was there, and he didn’t really know how to get rid of it, or to deal with it.

“Is she okay?” That was probably a stupid question, out of all of them, Kendra was the only one who wasn’t secret service who had seen the accident. The agents were trained to deal with something like this. Kendra was a lawyer and had never planned on being anything but a lawyer. Physically though, he hoped that she was alright, or at least that she would be alright.

“Seth and Lyor are with her, don’t worry, sir.” Emily was clearly trying to let him know that he could just focus on Alex right now, but he had needed to know, he wasn’t sure that he could have coped with losing anyone else he cared about on top of losing Alex. “I’ll… see if we can arrange something so you can go see her. Then I’ll work on a statement.” Emily had always been good at reading his mind. He was going to have to make arrangements for her funeral. Think about writing a eulogy for his wife… but he couldn’t think about that right now. He hadn’t even told Leo and Penny yet. That was his job for tonight, but first, he needed to try and get his own emotions under control. Their White House family may be here, but they were far from whole.


	2. Day Zero (b)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This follows on basically immediately from chapter one. After this it will be one chapter a day.

***Kendra***

Making that phone call had been worse than she’d expected. She had thought that telling the President was the worst it could possibly be, but she’d been proven wrong. Telling Seth and Lyor, the two people she cared about most in the world right now, had been so much harder. Maybe because they’d actually asked questions, and she’d felt like she needed to be strong for them. She needed them to think that she was holding it together, at least until she could be actually with them in person. The moment she stepped through her office door she was relieved, mostly because she was almost alone. “Lyor! Seth!” 

“Hey, I told you we'd be here. Right where you need us.” Seth just reached out and pulled her into his arms, and she was so happy when Lyor came in behind her, the two of them wrapping her up in the middle and making her feeling like she was protected for the moment. She only pulled away a little when the bruises coming up on her chest and stomach started to hurt. Seth and Lyor followed her lead, though she kept an arm wrapped around Seth, while Lyor went back to pacing, something that she felt he’d be doing a lot.

“Are you sure about it all, Ken?” Lyor asked, frowning a little bit as he paced. Kendra tensed up, and she felt Seth pull her a little more against him protectively. She knew it wasn't meant as harshly as it sounded, but Kendra couldn't help but clutch on to Seth a little. Clearly Seth was as surprised at Lyor's question as she had been, and it made her feel a little better about how paused she felt after it. 

She had to think about it, but that meant she had to think about how Alex had looked in the back of that car. That was not what she'd wanted to see in her mind. She was trying to forget, the blood, the damage. She really didn't want to tell them how she knew, but she also knew Lyor, and he wouldn't accept it until he knew why she was certain. “Yeah. I saw… her.” She faltered, but she couldn't say anything different, and Seth had to grab her a little as her legs almost went out from under her. It was only then she realised she'd started sobbing again.

“Come here, sit down.” Seth pulled her down to the sofa, and Lyor looked slightly stricken at the fact that he'd made her cry again. She cuddled up into Seth's side as he pulled her down and she just tried to stop thinking about the thing that was going to haunt her dreams for a long time. Alex in the car, it was going to be something that never left her her. “Lyor will go get you a cup of cocoa from the mess.”

“Yeah, I'll be back.” Lyor nodded, then dove out the door. Kendra did love him, but she wasn't sure that she could have coped with being around him too much right now. he was not the best person to be around in emotional situations. She really desperately needed to be with someone who would just tell her that everything was going to be okay.

“It's okay, I got you.” Seth whispered quietly, wrapping his arms around her and the second he did that she ended up sobbing into his chest. She needed to be held, she needed to just forget. It may be temporary, but it was something she needed to get her through it for the rest of the day. There were things she needed to think about, but right now all she could think about was trying to stop crying. 

“You should be working on a statement.” She said when she managed to pull away a little bit. She didn't want to keep Seth away from his work, especially tonight, since the President was going to need him, and so was Emily. She didn't know where either of them were, though she knew that the President would be dragged back to the White House immediately. He'd probably already be back. Emily likely would be too. They would need Seth, and Kendra couldn't keep him away, no matter how much she wanted to. “You have so much work to do.”

“I'll do that when Emily and the President are back.” Seth followed the same thought of hers, and mostly Kendra just didn't want to think but she needed to talk. It would help her start to make sense of everything, and that was not something that she expected to have to go through. “Until then I'll focus on you, okay?” That was exactly what she needed to hear right then, and she actually liked that she was someone's priority, because the President would be everyone else's.

All she could think of was Alex. the conversation they'd had the moment Forstell let everything go. She was just there and now Alex was never going to come home. “I was just talking to her Seth. She was excited to get on with everything after the last few months.” It had been hard, for both Alex and everyone else, and she deserved to be home celebrating it. “She didn't deserve this. Nobody deserved this.”

“You're right. Talk to me, Ken.” Seth kissed her forehead again and kept holding her close. That gave her a platform to just talk. That was what she needed and she just really need to do that, and to let herself not be the one in complete control. She let herself fold, trusting Seth to catch her if she fell too far. It was just for tonight.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had never expected to see Kendra quite as broken as she was tonight, and it had definitely been helpful when Lyor brought her the hot chocolate, and then they ended up all cuddling and letting her get comfortable. When she started falling asleep he sent Lyor off to check where everyone was and when they'd be needed. He almost fell over them almost directly outside Kendra’s office, but he shut the door quickly and moved them all away from it. “Where's Kendra?”

“She's asleep on the sofa in her office, took a while for her to calm down.” Seth said quietly, not wanting to wake the sleeping lawyer. This was likely the only relief she was going to get for a few days, she was the White House staffer who survived, even though she hadn’t even been in the same car but that wouldn’t matter to the press. She was there.

Emily, however, didn’t look most impressed at the idea one of the senior staff was currently asleep, and even just that was enough to make him feel protective. “It’s a national crisis, the first lady is dead and you’re telling me our lawyer is  _ sleeping _ .” That was harsh, even in these circumstances. Emily had to have known that Kendra had been with Alex Kirkman right before the accident. It wasn’t as though she chose all of this to happen to her, or to be affected by it.

“She saw the crash, and saw the First Lady after the crash and tried to get to her.” Lyor replied before Seth could say anything, and was frankly far more polite immediately than he would have been. He hadn’t wanted to say anything Kendra was uncomfortable sharing, but Lyor wouldn’t have that issue, and in the end Seth was certain that Kendra would thank him for it. “She's traumatised, Emily. Let her have tonight. We don't need immediate legal cover, that can be tomorrow’s considerations.”

“How is the President holding up?” Seth decided to move it on from Kendra, as he had a feeling that any conversation of her was going to lead to a bigger problem. Seth was going to make sure she was left to sleep, but he didn’t want her to be alone. He could cover it as them all being friends, as he was sure that neither Kendra nor Lyor was quite ready to explain what was going on between the three of them. That would be a discussion for later.

“He's called Eva, now he's spending the night with Penny and Leo.” Those were the people who needed notifying. He was a little surprised that Eva wasn’t here already, but he guessed she may not have been in DC since the end of the Eric Little investigation. Emily looked determined, and Seth felt for her in that respect, but he didn’t want to let her push people. “He wants us to cover this in the press. I'll be making a statement on behalf of the Kirkman family, and on behalf of the White House family.”

“I jotted down some remarks while I was talking to Kendra.” Well, they weren’t really jotted down. They were in the segment of his mind that was able to recall things like that while he was thinking or talking about something else. It didn’t even matter what else he was talking about, if he was thinking about remarks he could have them in his mind.

“Anything that comes in from the press you need to redirect to the FBI and the Secret Service.” Emily ordered, and Seth knew why she was ordering that, but it didn’t stop him pausing a second before responding, and apparently it was a second too long. “Because we don't know what happened beyond what Kendra saw, and you were the one who pointed out that she’s  _ traumatised _ .” There was something about the way that Emily said that that Seth didn’t like, but he wasn’t going to start another disagreement over his perception. He could have lost Kendra tonight, and that was possibly making him a little hypersensitive and protective. 

That was also probably why he didn’t want Kendra to be alone in her office longer than she absolutely needed to be. He knew that he needed to go and work with Lyor and Emily to make this statement, so he hoped that Aaron wasn’t too busy right now. At least someone would be with her. “Aaron… while we work can you stay with her?”

“Why?” Aaron and Emily asked that at the same time and Seth just shared a quick look with Lyor. He never thought he’d be in a situation where the slightly bizarre political director would be quicker at understanding an emotionally-driven request than his older friends. Maybe they just hadn’t thought it all through. Tonight was a night where they were all having to learn again just how good at their jobs they really were.

“Because… I don't think we should leave our friend who witnessed the death of the First Lady alone, even if she's asleep.” He knew that someone would point out that she’d be alone when they went home, but they all knew he and Kendra had been seeing each other for a few weeks, so him knowing where she lived probably wouldn’t raise that many eyebrows. “I'll take her home tonight but Lyor and Emily and I need to work on the statement.” He hoped, a little, that Lyor would come home with them. Seth couldn’t explain how their little trio had developed the way it did, but he wouldn’t change it, and on a day like today he was fairly sure Kendra would want them both there.

“Sure, of course I'll stay. I can do my work in her office.” Aaron nodded once it was explained, and maybe making it clear that there was a connection to why he wanted what he had asked for. “Good luck.” He offered then just slipped into Kendra’s office. Seth wanted to take a moment and check on her, but instead he managed to turn away and follow Emily and Lyor down the corridor.

“What does the President want us to say?” That was going to be hard to write no matter what, but he didn’t want to gloss over what had happened. Clearly Leo and Penny needed to come first, this Christmas they had lost their mother, and it was never going to be a happy occasion for them again. That didn’t mean that they could go the whole night without making a statement, it would leak before then and they wouldn’t control the story..

“The facts and request for privacy. We’re going to add a statement from Senior Staff and not take questions.  We focus on governing and nothing to do with Alex’s death.” Emily said, and normally Seth would appreciate how she was managing to compartmentalise, but at the same time… the way she’d spoken about Kendra and how disconnected she seemed made him worried that she was taking this harder than even she realised.

“Emily have you even heard yourself? First your treatment of Kendra and now your heartlessness about Alex… She was our friend, you’re allowed to be hurt.” He wondered if she just needed to be given permission to grieve too. She had known Alex Kirkman for years before they met her, it was no doubt harder for her than she wanted to admit to.

“Right now I have to keep things professional, and so do you.” That was colder than he expected too, but he didn’t have a way to shoot her back either. They both did need to focus on work. But Seth would admit to himself that he wasn’t sure that he could do that. “Let’s get to work.”

* * *

***Tom***

Telling Eva and the kids had been awful. He hadn’t wanted to do any of this, but he didn’t believe in letting them live in ignorance. It would have been worse if they’d thought that he was holding anything back from them. He’d told Penny first, and then rocked her to sleep while she cried. Then he’d told Eva over the phone. Managing to get the words out somehow, and having her say she’d arrive the following day. Leo had taken it more stoically than Tom had expected, but as they sat there together waiting for Emily’s press conference Tom saw the cracks starting to show. “Hey, Little Pea. I thought you were asleep?” He said, not needing to look up to know his ten year old was stood there in the doorway.

“Can’t.” She said simply then started coming across the room, dragging her stuffed bear that she’d had since she was about two years old. When Penny had been younger that was how Alex got her to sleep, by saying that Bear needed to sleep. “Want to be with you, daddy.” She was clearly about to start crying again, and in truth he really wanted to be with both of them tonight too. 

“Okay, come on up here.” He patted the sofa, and considered turning the channel. As much as he wanted to protect Penny, he also believed that she had as much right to see this as Leo did. They were directly affected by all of it, and he’d be here if they had any questions or wanted to know why Emily was doing this. Not him or someone else in their family. Tom was going to try and answer anything.

He was just quiet as he watched everyone fall silent in the press room, and Emily step out. There was none of the usual clamour, as they all knew if they’d been called back this late it was something serious.  _ “Thank you for all coming back so late. I have a statement to read, but I will not be taking any questions at this time and any questions after I finished will be redirected to the FBI or the Secret Service.” _

Tom watched as Emily took a deep breath, and he just pulled Penny a little tighter and kissed the top of her head.  _ “At a little after 7pm this evening, the First Lady’s motorcade was involved in a collision at 18th and Potomac. Both the First Lady and White House Counsel, Kendra Daynes, were travelling in the motorcade. Ms Daynes has some minor injuries and will be recovering at home tonight.” _ That was a good way to start it, confirm there was another member of his staff there, but that they were fine. It was an opening, and it let her move on more naturally.

_ “The First Lady’s injuries were far more serious, and she was pronounced dead at the scene of the collision.” _ Tom hated those words. All of them. He knew that that was the moment at which most people stopped listening, but Emily still had important procedural things to say, and he was sure there was other things in the statement. _ “Standard protocol was followed, though the President was allowed one phone call, from Ms Daynes, under Secret Service observation on both ends. A standard lockdown was put in place while the incident was investigated…” _ Tom stopped listening to this part of standard procedure. He didn’t need to think about it since this wasn’t important to him right now.

He only tuned back in when he heard his title.  _ “The President would like to ask that his private life be respected at this time, and his children and family left alone to grieve their loss. _ ” Why he’d expected Emily to turn at that point he didn’t know, but the fact she stayed where she was made him sit up a little more to see what she and Seth had added. “ _ On a personal note from the staff in the West Wing. Alex Kirkman was our friend, our mentor. She was a guide and a beacon, something we all hope to live up to. She will be missed by all of us, but not as much as she’ll be missed by her family. Thank you.” _

“How did Kendra only got minor injuries and mom…” Leo asked as soon as Emily left the press room, to a lot more noise than when she entered. There were going to be questions about that, especially since Emily didn’t explain in the statement. Tom was sure that as time went on they’d have even more questions, and he wanted to answer them all, he just wasn’t sure that he’d be able to.

“They weren’t in the same car. Kendra has seatbelt injuries from the emergency stop.” He answered confidently. Not absolutely certain, though he remembered Emily saying something like that when he’d asked her about Kendra. It had clearly lodged in his mind, even if he didn’t actually remember learning it.

“Why couldn’t it be her car. Then we’d still have mom.” Leo complained quietly. There was a part of Tom that knew exactly how Leo felt, but that wouldn’t be fair to the young woman who it seemed had narrowly escaped this. Nobody asked for any of it, and Tom didn’t want his son to be wishing misfortune on anyone, even while everything was so painful for them.

“But another family would be broken tonight.” Tom said gently. Just because it wouldn’t necessarily be them didn’t mean it would be better. It just meant that it wouldn’t be them. Tom also didn’t want to think about losing a friend, even if it meant they’d still have Alex. His emotional control just couldn’t deal with that tonight. “Don’t wish death on people, even when you’re hurt.” Leo stood up and stalked off toward his bedroom, but Tom stayed where he was. It was best to let Leo work through his feelings. Besides, Tom had his daughter in his lap, and it was clear she had no plans to move. They’d all just have to come to terms with it their own ways.


	3. Day One

_**December 26th, 2017** _

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had spent the entire night curled up with Seth on one side and Lyor on the other. She had still cried most of the night, struggled to sleep, struggled to do anything. Seth and Lyor had taken turns in being the one up to comfort her. She finally fell asleep around dawn, and when she woke up Lyor had already left for work, and Seth was sitting on her bed doing his work from home. When she finally woke up she for one second forgot all that was going on, and then as she woke a little more it all hit her again.

She managed to hold it together long enough to convince Seth to go into work, and then she’d had the phone call from her mother. The one thing that was going to convince her that she really didn’t want to be home alone. Judith Daynes didn’t even hold back, she had never been a fan of greetings. “You’re really okay though, that chief of staff lady wasn’t lying for the news.”

“I have some bruises from the seatbelt, but otherwise I’m fine.” Kendra actually had just been checking out all her bruises, all up her chest and then down across her stomach. It was just from the seatbelt, and she knew that, but it still bothered her that there was something physical on her. She didn’t want to think about it. “I’m supposed to be taking today off but I might just go in.”

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours. Shouldn’t he be looking after you?” They hadn’t spoken about the fact that there were two, technically. Her mother only knew about Seth, and she wasn’t going to bring up Lyor right now. Seth had been so sweet this morning though, and he really hadn’t wanted to leave her. She’d made him leave because she wanted to be alone. Now she didn’t want that, and that was probably because of this phone call making her realise that she’d be lonely. 

But that was also why she really didn’t like that her mother was saying Seth hadn’t been looking after her. He’d been amazing all last night, and then again this morning. “The First Lady was killed last night, mom. He has to work. He was here this morning and all last night.” She really wanted for him to be there again now, all of a sudden. So instead she pulled her phone away and text Lyor. Seth had her car, so she wasn’t able to drive herself into work, and Lyor would actually take her.

“Do you want me to come into the city? I can get a cab and be there in an hour.” The day after Christmas? That wouldn’t work that well for Kendra’s disabled mother, but it was a very kind offer and one that warmed Kendra’s heart just a little. Oh, how she wanted to say yes, but it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t like her mother coming into the city when she didn’t have to anyway.

“No, mom. Though it might be nice to see you this weekend, we’ll come by for New Year's Eve.” That was going to be how she dealt with the New Year, she thought, it was going to be a lot easier if she was distracted with her family, her mother. She wanted to take Seth and Lyor with her though. She thought that it would be so much better if she had both of them there too, and somehow she doubted either had anything better to do. “I’ve got to go, there is someone at the door.” It would be Lyor, she lived close enough it would only take five minutes.

“Message me every hour, okay?” Judith was clearly worrying a little more about Kendra, and that was sweet. It was definitely part of being a mother, and she felt like she was going to be far more appreciative of that for a while. Especially now that Leo and Penny weren’t going to have it. Though she would make sure she was there for them if they’d let her.

“Sure, mom. Love you.” Kendra smiled then grabbed a cardigan and dropped her phone into the pocket. She might have asked Lyor to take her to work, but she wasn’t going to court, and she didn’t really want to deal with anyone either. So being in sweatpants and her cardigan would make her feel comfortable, and being at work would make her feel like she was around people. When she opened the door she was just glad that it was Lyor there.

“You called for a ride?” He smiled and stepped into the apartment, shutting the door behind him. That was the moment that Kendra realised that Lyor didn’t want to be there really. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea, but she was going to try as hard as she could to get him to take her in.

“Lyor you’re a lifesaver. Seth wouldn’t let me come in this morning, and then he took my car.” She smiled, grabbing her bag too. Lyor was giving her a look, and she had the feeling that he wasn’t all that happy about taking her in. “I can’t be alone, alright. I just, I can’t.” She was now sure about that. She couldn’t actually be on her own after she’d tried it. Lyor, thankfully, didn’t fight her.

When she got to work she didn’t feel better, but she felt less like she was going to go insane. Maybe it was knowing that there were people right there if she needed them to talk to. Maybe it was just being somewhere familiar, with the people that she cared about, and those who seemed to care about her. So all she did was actually read the briefing books that she’d been ignoring for days. She hadn’t been expecting a knock on the door and one of the female agents to put her head around the door. “Ma’am, Penny Kirkman is here to see you.” 

Well, that was unexpected. She hadn’t thought that any of the Kirkman’s would be having very much to do with her for a while. Then again, Penny was ten, and she didn’t exactly have all that many female role models. “Oh, okay let her in.” Kendra moved the books and put them on the table, trying to smile while hiding the bruises when Penny came in. “Hey, little Pea.”

“Ken!” Penny yelped the moment the door was closed behind her, then she launched herself across the room and into Kendra’s arms, clinging to her like her life depended on it. In this situation, Kendra couldn’t even ask her to loosen her grip, because she ended up just holding the little girl back just as tightly. “My mommy’s dead,” Penny said matter-of-factly, and that just started Kendra crying all over again.

She rocked the small form softly for a while, just repeating the only thing she could think of while they both cried. “I know, baby. I know.” Every time she spoke to someone about this she thought that it was the worst one, but she knew now that nothing was going to get worse than crying into the shoulder of a ten-year-old. Kendra lost track of how long they were there, but she loosened her grip when Penny pulled away then settled into her lap.

“Emily said you were there. Are you okay? That bruise looks really bad.” Penny was very gentle as her small fingers stopped on the deep purple and red bruise that started on her collarbone and disappeared down under her top. It hurt, a lot more than she expected it to, but she didn’t want to let Penny know that. She thought that putting on a brave face was a better idea.

“I was in a different car. Look I have some bruises, but I’m alright otherwise.” She could see there was fear in Penny’s face, and Kendra didn’t know what she was thinking, but if it was something that she could be reassured of, Kendra would do her best. She didn’t like that the little girl was so upset, but right now it was probably to be expected of all of them.

“You’re not going to go away, are you?” Penny asked sadly, and for just a brief moment Kendra thought about telling her the truth. That she didn’t know what the future was going to bring, but Penny was a ten-year-old who had just lost her mother, and she really didn’t need to hear that. She needed to be reassured, so that was what Kendra was going to do, even if it was the last thing she felt like.

“No, I’m not. I promise you, Penny Kirkman. You can always call me when you need a big sister.” She smiled giving the youngster a hug again. The longer she held on to Penny, the more she realised it was very possible that her father didn’t know where she was.“Does your dad know you’re here?” She asked, and the look on Penny’s face actually said more than she needed to know, and it was something that would have to be remedied. “Okay, I’m going to call up to the residence and you’re going to speak to your dad, but you can stay here with me as long as he says it’s okay?”

“Alright.” Penny sighed, it was clear that she wasn’t actually all that happy about having to tell her father where she was. She didn’t know what the problem was, but given Penny’s attitude, she had a feeling that she was probably going to be told, more than once. “I just don’t want to be around all the boys.”

“I know. We’ll talk here, okay? Just us girls.” Kendra hoped that that would, maybe, get Penny to open up just a little bit more about what was going on with her. Kendra may have been an adult when her father died, but she knew that she’d needed to be there for her mother. She had the feeling that Penny was already starting to feel some of that burden already.

“Good.” Penny nodded, then skipped over and picked up the phone on Kendra’s desk and asked to be put through. It was a little amazing how children could change their moods so instantly. That would be helpful for her in her current situation. It was killing her to not let Penny see how broken she was by all of this. “Hi daddy, I’m in Kendra’s office. We’re going to talk, is that okay?” Kendra had the feeling that the President couldn’t refuse his daughter anything, so she just started thinking how to approach all of this.

* * *

***Seth***

The morning had been harder than he’d expected, especially with pushing the briefing back so he could stay home with Kendra, making sure that she was comfortable at home. Now he was just walking the corridors, trying to figure out how to approach the next set questions. He was turning the corner and almost immediately walked straight into the President, which was a bigger surprise than he had expected. “Sir?” He asked since nobody had expected to see the President outside of the residence today. “Sorry, I didn’t expect to see you down here today.”

“I’m looking for my daughter.” He smiled a little softly, though there was still so much pain behind his eyes. Seth had never been in this position, he’d never loved someone who had then died, but he had imagined it a lot last night. He’d been laid listening to Kendra cry and imagined how he would cope if he’d lost her. They’d only been together for a few weeks, too. He didn’t want to think about losing her when they’d been together almost twenty years. “Penny, she called up from Kendra’s office a couple of hours ago.”

“I’m sure they’re fine. Do you need me to do anything, sir?” Seth didn’t want the President to think that they wouldn’t do anything that he wanted them to do. He knew that Kendra was worried about how she would do her job right now, but the idea of her bonding with Penny Kirkman made him think maybe she’d find something that she could do at this point. It was something that she could do with her eyes closed, Seth knew, she was amazing with children, especially the President’s daughter.

“No, thank you, Seth. The statement you and Emily wrote last night was very moving.” That was gratifying to hear, especially since they hadn’t known exactly what the President had wanted. If it had been satisfactory then Seth had done his job, and so had Emily. Though the statement from the West Wing staff had come straight from Emily, entirely unscripted. 

“Thank you. We wanted to do right by you and by Mrs Kirkman.” Seth explained, hoping that everyone thought it was enough. Though he was certain that it wouldn’t matter in the long run. That instant, first statement would mean nothing when the President actually spoke himself, though when that would be he wasn’t sure.

“I’m very grateful, and even more so for you all managing without me today.” The President continued to smile that sad, broken smile that had taken residence on his face almost the moment that he’d started speaking. Seth wondered if it was just his current default expression, something that was largely neutral. “I should get Penny.” That would likely not be a great idea, there were still a lot of people in the West Wing.

“Let me go get her sir, you wait here. It’ll be easier.” Seth offered, hoping that he would stay in the office. People would ask a lot of him if he didn’t and Seth really wasn’t all that sure that any of them were particularly ready for it. He wasn’t ready to deal with the press questions it would bring, anyway. When the President nodded and just felt to the sofa, Seth took it as a sign and just walked over toward Kendra’s office, knocking on the door and looking around it, to see Penny curled up on Kendra’s lap, chattering away. “Penny, your father is looking for you.” He said instead, just letting them both know that he was there. “He’s in my office.”

“Okay, hi Seth.” Penny slid off of Kendra’s lap and waved at him a little before she skipped to the door. “See you later, Ken.” Penny skipped away somewhat cheerfully, and suddenly as soon as the door was closed Kendra’s mask slipped and she let out a strangled sob. Seth hadn’t planned on staying, but he couldn’t ignore her when she was that clearly upset.

He pulled her close and felt her wrapping her arms around him, and almost immediately he felt his collar getting a little wet where she cried. He just rocked her for a few moments, letting her calm herself. “At least one member of the Kirkman family doesn’t hate me.” She eventually said as she pulled back from his arms. 

“Nobody hates you, Ken.” He tried to reassure her, keeping her spirits up was something that he’d been trying to do since the incident, and he seemed to be failing at it more and more. She just wasn’t able to see the bright side, not that he really expected her too. She had a reason to be upset, and he still had a reason to feel relieved. “We’re all glad that you’re okay.”

“Leo does. I saw him when I arrived and all I got was glared at.” She argued, and that made him just take hold of her, pulling her closer to him again. He loved her so much, and he had no idea how helpful he actually was being. But he was going to keep trying to keep her confident. “The President didn’t even come to get Penny.” She sounded broken by that, and that was partly Seth’s fault, at least that was how he was taking it and he needed to make sure that Kendra knew it wasn't that way intended.

“That’s because I offered to get her because I wanted to see you.” Mostly he’d wanted to see her since she wasn’t supposed to be here. She looked like she believed that Leo was actually hating her, but Leo was just a hurt and scared teenager and blaming the first person he could for his mother’s death. “Leo’s just hurt, he needs someone to blame.”

“And I survived, I know.” She said that so finally and then just dropped down, almost as though she lost control of every muscle in her body all at once. It was mildly distressing to see, but he couldn’t do anything about it just yet. “Don’t yell at me for being here. I couldn’t be in the apartment on my own.”  She clearly realised that he wasn’t going to be happy she was here, but he couldn’t shout at her.

“You shouldn’t be here, Ken.” He said quietly, just reaching between them to pick up her hand. It was clammy and shaking, and Seth wondered if she’d actually eaten at all today, or if she cared at all that she hadn’t.

“I just kept picturing her, Seth. All I could see whenever I closed my eyes was the blood.” Kendra had her eyes closed but she squeezed his hand tightly, almost painfully, and he suddenly realised why she was there. “Here I can distract myself better, and you and Lyor are right here.” 

“If you’re still having flashbacks in a few days, we’re going to look at getting someone from ATVA to come and speak to you.” It was something he’d considered since they’d gotten home last night, but bringing it up with her was a step he hadn’t been sure that he’d ever actually get to. “I think you need it.”

“I think I probably do too.” She agreed, and Seth paused again. He hadn’t expected for her to agree with him, but now that she had he didn’t know what to think. Mostly he knew that he wasn’t qualified to give Kendra all the help she was going to need, but he’d try his hardest anyway.

* * *

***Tom***

He knew that there had been an autopsy already. He knew that the results were a rush so that he could arrange the funeral. He also knew that as soon as he left here the funeral director selected by the Senior Staff would be taking Alex to an undisclosed location and cleaning her up. With the injuries she had, he’d decided against viewings. Nobody needed to see it, and he could see now why Emily told him Kendra was in the state she was in.

The autopsy room felt so cold, so clinical. He was glad to see that the Secret Service still had agents protecting his darling wife. There would be no leaks of this, he knew that. There was a part of him that had wanted to bring Penny and Leo to say goodbye, but right now he knew that his eventual decision to leave them with Eva had been a better one. As much as he had needed to see this… they did not.

She almost looked peaceful, if it weren’t for the injuries. Calm, asleep. If it weren’t for the tops of the Y incision just poking over the top of the sheet she was covered with. He’d been told that he was free to touch her now, and that helped with the fact that this still didn’t feel real. He stepped up to the table she was laid on and reached out to stroke her cheek. It was so cold and slack. The bluish tint to her skin reminding him that she wasn’t going to open her eyes and scold him for waking her.

There were so many things he wanted to say, but his throat seemed to close up and his mouth went dry every time he thought about speaking. The words were right there, but he couldn’t seem to say them. He didn’t want to know what life would be like after he left this room. This was the last time he was going to be with the woman that he loved, but this wasn’t how he wanted to remember her. 

The tears slipped from his eyes, and after reaching down and squeezing her hand one last time he turned on his heel and walked back out the door. He didn’t even look at the people either side of him. Didn’t need to know what they were thinking. All he could think about was that that wasn’t his Alex, it was just the shell. His Alex was back at the White House, in everything she left behind, in their children, in his memories.

Arriving back he had to show the staff that he was still functioning, so he elected to walk through the West Wing. Accepting the condolences of those he passed. He had instructed Emily to give Kendra a couple of days off, and he wasn’t sure he could cope with seeing her, but to his surprise there she was. Stood outside Seth’s office, just looking at him. “Sir.” 

“I thought Emily told you not to come in today?” He framed it as a question but he knew since Penny had been here earlier. He could also see that Kendra likely hadn’t slept much, she’d also clearly been crying. For the first time since he’d met her, she wasn’t entirely put together. She had no make-up on, her hair was dishevelled, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. If possible, she looked worse than he imagined he did. Tom couldn’t understand why that, again, sent a shot of rage through him.

“She did but I…” Kendra faltered, though like a good staffer she fell into step beside him as he kept walking. It was likely a reflex, he was sure that being around him was no easier for her than being around her was for him. He didn’t need to know any of this, but he also did. He needed to know why she was here, because then maybe he could stop being angry at her for being here. “I couldn’t stay home alone. I needed to be around people.”

“Take it easy today.” He was trying to keep his voice even. He didn’t want it to show to her or anyone else that the sight of her was turning his stomach. Knowing that she lived, seeing her stood there, still whole. He wouldn’t wish what he was going through on anyone, especially not Kendra’s loved ones… but he also couldn’t help but wish Alex were still here instead.

“I’m sorry, sir.” He just nodded, there was no response he could give to that, and so instead he just squeezed her shoulder and continued on. He couldn’t stay looking at her, couldn’t look at that nasty welt on her shoulder, clearly where the seatbelt had left its mark less than 24 hours earlier. Maybe he needed to tell Emily to press her more to stay home for another day. He wasn’t sure he could bump into her like that again, not after he realised that Leo wasn’t the only one angry with her for surviving. He couldn’t help but wish that it had been Kendra in that car.


	4. Day Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so, since there is some confusion - the episode was _terrible_ with continuity, but it was stated a couple of times it was Christmas Day and all the press said it was Christmas Day. Stupid idea, personally, but it gives additional angst so I'm going with that. I have a theory as to _why_ , but if you hit the comments I'll gladly explain.

**_27th December, 2017_ **

***Kendra***

Seth hadn’t tried to make her stay home today, but he also still hadn’t been happy that she’d insisted on coming in. She wanted to try and get herself back into the position where she felt like something was normal, anything, and to her work was normal. Alright, she was in sweats and a cardigan, wearing no make up and she hadn’t washed her hair in three days, but it was as close to normal as she was ready to go for right now.

There were briefing books, and there were case notes. There were prospective laws and things they wanted to introduce and she needed to go through them all. Yet she still found herself looking at the statement that she had been going over with Alex the morning she died. She couldn’t put them away, and she had a feeling that those papers, with all the handwritten notes and edits, were going to be in her top drawer for probably the rest of her life.

The problem was that every time she looked at them she started crying, and stopping herself right now was the bigger problem. That was where she was right at that moment. Her head buried in her knees on the sofa, sobbing into them so that nobody outside the room would hear how badly she had broken over all of this. “Kendra?” Oh no. that was the last voice that she wanted to hear, and yet there he was. 

“I’m… I’m sorry sir I didn’t hear you come in.” She started to untangle herself but he waved a hand and sat down instead. Kendra didn’t intend on letting go of her legs now, because the tighter she was the easier it would be to stop herself lashing out. Why that was her reaction to his presence she didn’t know, but it was all she could think of doing.

“No, we’ll stay sat down.” He said when they were both settled, and Kendra was very glad he said that, she wasn’t sure that was prepared to stand up. She wasn’t even sure that she had the energy to stand up at this moment in time. She still had barely slept, even with Seth and Lyor there to comfort her, though the night before she’d slid out of the bed to let them both get some sleep. It wasn’t going to be easy to get through. “I thought it was time we have a real talk.”

“Seth’s been… keeping us apart, I think.” Kendra admitted. She loved Seth, and his heart was always in the right place, but he had seemed to think that it would be easier for them both if she and the President didn’t actually cross paths until the dust had all settled. Kendra still didn’t know if he was right. She still had the urge to lash out, but at the same time she just wanted the President to tell her that everything was alright.

“He’s become very protective of you.” He smiled, and Kendra could only nod. She assumed that he knew about her relationship, or at least could guess, but he didn’t ask and she didn’t tell. It was best that way. Seth was protective, but that was something he could have done just as her friend. “How are you doing?” A question Kendra hadn’t answered truthfully yet, but the President was probably the person that she should.

“Do you want the real answer or the sanitised answer?” She decided to find out if he actually cared about her mental state, or if he was just trying to be a friend or a good person and was asking her out of duty. If it was the latter then she would lie, if it was the former… she’d have to try and be as honest as she could be.

After a moment of silence the answer she’d actually dreaded was the one she was given. She’d thought, at first, that being given a chance to speak honestly was exactly what she needed, but she was wrong. It wasn’t. What she needed was to go back to Christmas Day and swap cars with the First Lady. That was what she needed. She thought that really that was what everyone needed. “I think I’d prefer the real answer.”

“The real answer is  _ no _ .” Alright. It wasn’t quite as in depth as she’d thought it would be. She opened her mouth a couple of times, trying to go on, but her mind shut down. Telling her that now that she’d admitted she wasn’t okay, the people she should talk about it too were the ones who shared her bed. Talking to Seth and Lyor first would make it a lot easier, and she didn’t think that the President actually needed to hear all her confessions. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” It was a kind offer, and it showed that he clearly understood why she had hesitated. Why she hadn’t been able to go past where her comment had abruptly ended. Why was this even affecting her that much? She didn’t remember anything else in her life affecting her so much. She really should be focusing on him, too. He had lost his wife.

“Sir, with all the respect in the world… I don’t think you’d be the right person to talk to about this.” That was an understatement, but at the same time she wanted him to know that she wasn’t bottling it up. She did talk to someone. “I have a boyfriend, and he… will get most of this.” She wasn’t going to say who it was, or that there were two of them, but it would make it easier for him that she’d blown him off, surely.

“Given my wife was the victim. I understand.” There is was. The crack in his seemingly infallible armour. There was a tear, then another, and another. Kendra wasn’t going to comment on it, especially as she could feel the tears streaming down her own face still. They were both managing to keep an even tone, despite the pain of the conversation.

“How are you doing, sir?” It was only because she knew he was hurting just as much as she was that she felt that she could actually ask the question. It was obvious that they were both helping each other and making each other face up to the enormity of what was going on. It didn’t just affect them, but it affected everyone else around them. “How are Penny and Leo?”

“Penny, well you saw her yesterday. She’s much the same. I think you’ll be seeing a lot of her.” A sniff, a sob, an attempt to bring himself back under control. It was in vain, but it was a good effort. Kendra felt her own chest building up toward sobs again, but she wanted to save that for when she was alone again.. “She really looks up to you. Leo and I are…” He trailed off and shook his head, and Kendra understood without any words.

“You don’t know really.” She finished, understanding that there were some things that just didn’t ever have words. “I was the same after dad died. I know it’s not the  _ same _ but… grief is grief. And it all hurts.” God how she wished her father was there right now. How he would be able to tell her that she would make it through, and that it wasn’t her fault.

“You’re right.” He nodded, and they both fell silent, trying to get themselves back to the point where they could speak without sobs, where they had dry faces, and weren’t quite breaking down. It took a few minutes of silence, but she got there, and when she looked up he was there too. “How did that case actually go?”

“Brilliant. Alex is a genius…” She caught herself at that, there was no present tense for that statement. Alex wasn’t anything any longer. It was all past tense. “Was a genius.” It took all her self control not to sob again, but she gave up trying to control the tears. “She knew that she was going to be able to get him to drop everything, and he did.”

“I just… needed to know that it worked.” He sounded even more broken with that than he had before. Kendra wasn’t sure that she’d ever heard him sounding so down, seen him struggling so much. Admittedly she hadn’t been on the staff all that long, but she had needed for him to always be infallible. That had been an illusion for her, and now it was shattered along with so many other things.

“I’m glad that it did, and that I could help with that.” Kendra hadn’t wanted to do it that way, but in the end she and Mrs Kirkman had worked out good ways of working together. It hadn’t been easy, and there had been plenty of distrust, but they had overcome it and by the time they were with the FBI they had trusted each other completely.

“I know that it’s hard for you too, Kendra. I’m glad that you have a support system.” He was clearly indicating the boyfriend she’d mentioned, and she’d spoken a few times about her mother to him. That was all she had and it was all she needed. There was so much that she needed to get through but she wasn’t sure she could do it alone. What about him though, was he alone?

“What about you, sir? Do you have a support system?” It seemed like a question that was stepping over a line, and by the way he stiffened she guessed that she was right. Making him uncomfortable was the last thing that she actually wanted to do, but it seemed like she was going to do that no matter what. 

“I have what I need. I’ll let you get back to work.” It was a sudden change, and Kendra didn’t know what to do to pull it back. Ash she started to untangle herself from where she was still curled up looking at him he turned on his heel and walked to the door, pausing for just a moment. “It was a good talk.” He said and left, which meant that Kendra was just sat there staring at the empty space and wondering how long this was going to last for.

\---

***Seth***

Seth hadn’t had time to check on Kendra since they’d gotten into work, but he was hoping that she would be fine. Officially she wasn’t at work, and so there wasn’t going to be any work sent to her, but he was sure that she would find things to do until he was ready to take her home. Senior staff though, he kind of expected her to be there even if she wasn’t there. So he paused when he walked in and then looked at Aaron, who just shook his head and pointed in the general direction of her office. “Is Kendra back at work?” Emily asked as soon as Seth had slid into his seat.

“Yes and no.” He realised that that wasn’t actually an answer, but he wasn’t sure if he could say anything else without having her dragged in here. She didn’t need to be here. Truthfully Seth still wished that she was at home, but that had been a no go with her this morning. “She’s doing casework, but she’s not been needed back in court yet.” That was the best he could say, and since he knew there was nothing urgent here he was going to assume that she wasn’t actually needed.

“How’s she doing?” Aaron asked, more compassion in his voice than Emily had seemed to let herself feel. Seth realised that this was just the way they were all dealing with it. Kendra, unfortunately, wasn’t really dealing with it at all. That was an issue, but as it wasn’t even 48 hours on he knew that she was still going to need a lot of time. Seth hated seeing her so sad, and he hated seeing her struggling to know who she was or where she stood in all of this. 

“Hard to tell. She spends most of the night crying, but I think that’s probably going to continue for a while.” The last two nights had been hard, though it had been even harder when Kendra had gotten out of the bed because she couldn’t stop crying and she wanted to let him and Lyor sleep. 

“You staying with her?” Emily asked, as though that was a surprise. He’d thought that they’d all known about the two of them. Even if not, Kendra was his friend and he wasn’t going to let her be alone through this. Especially since he’d come to realise that Kendra didn’t actually have all that many friends, probably because of her position and how she’d always been a workaholic. 

“As much as I can, Lyor’s been helping when I can’t be there. I’m also trying to keep her and the President apart.” He knew that they weren’t really going to understand that, but he had realised through listening to her breakdowns that she was sure that he blamed her, and Seth couldn’t exactly say that he didn’t. Seth didn’t know what the President was thinking, none of them did, and he didn’t want to lie to her.

“Why?” Emily once again demanded, though at least she looked at little more like she cared, possibly because this was affecting the President too. Though Seth wanted to believe the best too. He didn’t know Emily’s motivations, and he knew that she had been texting Kendra to check on her. Work-Emily was just ruling the roost.

But why he was keeping them apart, he was hoping that it was obvious. “She was the last person on staff to see his wife alive, and the first one to know she was dead. Can’t see it being all that easy for either of them.” He knew that there was a good chance this plan had already failed, but he’d tried. As he stood there assuming that they were waiting for Lyor he frowned a little. “Where’s Lyor?”

“Sorry, I sent Lyor up to the Hill, I’m just grateful congress is out or this could be much more difficult.” Emily checked her phone then motioned for Aaron to sit and for an assistant to shut the door they’d all come in through. Lyor being on the hill didn’t make sense for the very reason Emily was grateful.

“Then why is Lyor up there?” He had to ask, and it was also for his job as the press were certainly going to ask about that. Along with how the President and his family were doing. They were all trying to pretend it was business as usual, but the Christmas lull wasn’t going to last forever, and that was something that Seth was dreading. When the senior reporters were back in the press room and when the country would be expecting the President to be back doing everything he could. 

“Taking names for who is coming back for the funeral.” Alright, that made sense and the press wouldn’t push too hard on that, though they may want actual names. “The President and Leo are starting to make plans, but in this room… we’re largely running the country right now.” Well, if this meeting was ever made public that would raise some constitutional questions. “Two meetings a day with the President, and we need to only call him down if it’s an emergency. I’ve also classified the tick tock if the press ask for it.”

“That’s a radical step.” Seth wasn’t really sure how he felt about them classifying the tick tock, but logically it did make sense. Right now every move he made was a security risk and would remain so until the FBI and Secret Service gave them the all clear to work like it was business as usual again, and Seth wasn’t sure he saw that coming unless there was a surprise break.

It was Emily’s turn to give him the ‘really?’ look, as though he should have known. “We don’t need it to be publicised that the President has been to the West Wing twice in two days, and that once it was only to collect his daughter.” That was even more of a reason to classify it, though probably not the one Emily had used on the official paperwork. “We’ve gotta keep all this moving, do our jobs.” She then handed files to them, starting to go on with the rest of their work. They

\---

***Tom***

Tom could tell that Leo didn’t want to be here, and Tom didn’t blame him. What 18 year old wanted to be helping plan his mother’s funeral? But Tom knew that it was important for closure that he was able to do this. That he would be able to say goodbye to Alex on his own terms, and that he would be able to know that he did “Why do I have to be here?”

“Because I would like your input.” Tom said, pulling on the sleeves of his jumper. He remembered that Alex used to tell him off for that particular nervous tick, and for the most part he’d stopped himself doing it. It was now his tell for being upset. Well, he was definitely upset right now, so maybe it wasn’t that surprising. “If you want to leave Leo, you can. I just want to make sure this is what mom would want.”

“I don’t know what she’d want!” Leo yelled, but then sat back and sulked. Tom knew how he felt, nobody was all that happy about doing this, and Tom didn’t truly want to have Leo here. But he was going to listen more to the people who told him that this was a better idea to have him involved, even if they all hated it.

“You know her music better than me.” Tom tried to keep it all inside, how hurt he was, and how much he wished that they weren’t doing this at all. He was missing the certainty that Alex had always brought into his life, and right now he had never felt more confused and lost, and all he really wanted was Alex back, or to get this all over with.

“Dad, I think I know all music better than you.” Leo clearly had enough of his humour there to still tease about music, which was pretty much the thing that Leo had always loved the most. Tom thought that those constants where what was going to get him through this situation. Leo and his music, Penny and her practical jokes. The country was going to have to make do with him having to focus on his children for a while. 

“Well, you’re probably right.” He chuckled, then smiled at his son. Though he was sure that Leo would be less impressed when Eva arrived later on in the day. He was sure that that was something that they could all look forward to. “Your grandmother will have her say when she gets here tonight.” He wasn’t sure that he’d actually told Leo when his grandmother would be arriving, so that would be even more interesting.

Instead, Leo changed track entirely, looking around the room clearly realising that there was one member of the family that was missing. “Where’s Penny?” Tom had thought about having his younger child with him too, but she seemed too young to have this much on her little shoulders. So when she’d asked to be with someone else he had let her go.

“She wanted to see Kendra, so she’s down in the West Wing.” Tom hoped that Kendra was taking as much comfort in the fact that the little girl wanted her as Penny seemed to be taking from Kendra. It was not something that any of them really wanted, but Tom wasn’t going to stop something from helping others, even if it broke him knowing that Penny preferred being with Kendra right now than with him and Leo.

“How could you let her!” Leo suddenly thundered, jumping out of his seat and starting to pace all around the room. Tom realised that while Penny seemed to be taking comfort in Kendra being the last connection to Alex, Leo was still blaming her. It was Kendra’s fault, though Tom still blamed her for surviving too. “It’s her fault mom isn’t here, why are you letting Penny anywhere near her.”

“This isn’t the time, Leo.” He scolded, even though he really wanted to just let Leo slide on this, as it would at least validate his own anger and annoyance. “Let’s focus on what we’re here to do.” He looked up as a man in a suit was led into the room. Tom knew that Leo now being angry about where Penny was was going to make this all the harder, but he had to do what was best for them both, even if it annoyed the other.

“Shall we get started?” The funeral director asked, clearly realising that he’d walked in on something, but Tom was just ready to get it all over with, so he pulled himself together and made Leo sit down again. Though the pain of sitting and talking through what Alex would want. Her favourite colours, her favourite music, her favourite flowers. Everything seemed to just drive it home that this was the last thing that he would ever do for her.

When they were done, it was almost all arranged. Tom had wanted to make it sooner, but he couldn’t. That was part of the problem. This was the first day, and probably the best day for the country. “January first, huh?” Leo seemed as unimpressed as Tom felt but nothing could be changed now. The arrangements were already being made. “Great way to see in the New Year.”

“It’s the best day for it, though not ideal I agree.” He was pacing around the room, tugging at his sleeves again. Leo just seemed to be trying to process it all, not that Tom minded that. It was better than the angry yelling that he’d expected. 

The door opening actually made him jump a little and he smiled as Penny ran in and threw herself into his arms. “Daddy!” She smiled, and he kept hold of her as he turned to see Kendra standing at the door. The time showing that she was likely needing to get home, probably with Seth, who he assumed was the boyfriend she’d mentioned earlier, though he wasn’t actually going to ask her for confirmation of that.

“Did she behave?” He asked, hoping that Penny had been good, she always was for Kendra though, far more than for almost anyone else. Including Emily who had known her for much longer. 

“Yes, sir. She was great. Hi Leo.” Kendra looked over his shoulder and spoke to the teenager, who just glared at her and then stood up, heading toward his bedroom. Tom knew Leo was angry, and even if Tom agreed with him it wasn’t fair that he actually acted on it. Especially toward a senior member of his staff.

“Sorry, he’s very angry.” Tom apologised, more for how Leo treated her than for the fact he was actually hungry. “We’ll talk soon?” He did want to keep working things out with her, largely because of everyone else knew, Kendra was the one person who actually made him think of Alex. 

“Yes, sir. PK, I’ll see you soon right?” Kendra stepped a little closer and kissed Penny’s cheek with a smile. She appeared to be less upset than when he’d seen her earlier, though given she hadn’t stopped crying the whole time he’d been with her, that wouldn’t have been all that difficult in truth. 

“Yeah! Bye Ken!” Penny seemed much more cheerful than when she left. Continuing to keep hold of Tom though. Tom just started thinking about everything that was going on right now and he had to try and figure out how he needed to move past all of this. There was just so much he needed to do, and he didn’t know how to do it.


	5. Day Three

**_December 28th, 2017_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

For the first time since the accident, Kendra actually felt a little like she had some control. Maybe it was the fact that today was the first day she’d actually  _ worked _ on something, and had real input to give. On top of that, she was getting to spend tonight just curled up with Seth, after both finished work at a reasonable time. She didn’t even know what this movie was about, just that it was nice to be spending the evening curled up with someone she loved. Which was probably why she was so angry when there was a knock on the door. “This better be that pizza you ordered.” She had no idea if Seth had ordered pizza while he’d been playing on his phone, but she only just realised how hungry she was. 

“Who said I ordered a pizza?” Seth said as she started to get up off of the sofa. It was her apartment, so him answering the door would be a little suspect if it was a reporter or some other sleaze who had somehow found out where she lived. It wouldn’t be the first time, either. Kendra was just really suddenly hungry, so she was hoping that Seth ordered food. She was going to have to order food otherwise.

“Well, you better have ordered a pizza. Or Thai, I love Thai. Or just… food.” She smiled as he kissed her hand before she headed to the door, but it was obvious that he really hadn’t ordered food. She never had visitors, other than food deliveries, so she couldn’t really imagine what else it would be. “Maybe Lyor ordered something as an apology for staying late.”

Seth stayed yelling back at her about the pizza, and it made her smile even more. This was the kind of thing that she’d been missing in her recent relationships, it just felt so natural. “I’ve been right here, Ken. I didn’t order any food.” He called out in actual words and Kendra smiled to herself as she stopped to make sure that she was actually appropriately covered to answer the door. 

“I’m going to pretend you’re lying for the sake of my hun-” She stopped dead in the middle of the word staring at who was on her doorstep. The corridor behind him was empty, so she knew this wasn’t something that she should be worried about, but at the same time, her mind was immediately in fight or flight mode.

“Can I come in?” John Forstell asked quietly, and Kendra was sure that his voice hadn’t carried through. Instead to Seth she would have just gone instantly silent, and sure enough a moment later she heard shuffling from behind her, the show-stopping and a quiet thunk as Seth put the remote on her coffee table. 

“Babe? You okay? Is it magic food?” He asked, clearly not having made it around the partition where he’d be able to see who it was at the door. She felt his hand on her waist before hearing him pause too. Though he managed to recover instantly, while Kendra’s mind was still on a complete pause. “Director Forstell.”

“Seth.” Forstell nodded, not as surprised as she would have expected, but nothing actually stayed secret in this town for very long, and she wasn’t particularly private about Seth. As the awkward silence stretched out, Forstell lifted the file he was holding up then spoke again, almost pleading. “Kendra we need to talk. In private. It’s about Christmas.”

“Anything you say to me I’m going to say to him anyway.” Kendra thought that it was best she be upfront about that because she wasn’t going to let this meeting be something that he used against her at a later date, Seth being here meant that she had a witness, and he wouldn’t let anything happen that she wasn’t ready for. That was what she really needed, especially if this ended up being about the collision, not the First Lady’s testimony. “Sure, fine. Come in. Seth is staying though.”

She then turned on her heel and went back through to the living room, sliding onto the sofa, she was happy when Seth immediately sat beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Forstell looked around for a second then settled on the armchair beside the TV and leant forward, his elbows on his knees as he looked between the two of them. “I need to talk to you… about some of your senate cases.”

“This better not be another fishing expedition. You know attorney-client privilege covers any and all of my dealings in my cases.” Kendra couldn’t believe it. It was almost 10 pm and he was here about something in her past. She wasn’t going to let him stitch her up because she’d beat him twice now. He was a former prosecutor, and that made him predictable at times. 

“It’s not about your cases.” He shook his head, and she was a little more interested, though she still felt like she couldn’t say anything if it would hamper her clients. After a moment he opened the file and handed her a picture, she looked to Seth a moment before she took it then just stared at it. “It’s about this man. Have you ever seen him before?”

“No. I don’t think so.” There may be a facial profile she recognised, something that made her think of someone she’d passed in the street once, but she didn’t actually know the man in the picture. That made her even more suspicious about why Forstell was here and what he was looking for. “Why?”

“He’s the man who killed the First Lady.” Kendra knew they had had the driver, he had some injuries but that he was alive. Last she’d heard he was still in the hospital and unable to be interviewed. Clearly, they’d finally gotten in to see him today, and they knew that it was actually him and he wasn’t forced to do it. “His name is Shawn Brown.”

That sparked a memory, a case she hadn’t thought about in a long time. In so many ways it was a horribly tragic case, bribery and corruption, just not with her client. It was one of the few times where the senator she’d defended had been wholly innocent. It was a case she’d never forget. “Brown? As in Byron Brown?”

“Babe?” Seth clearly wondered about the significance too, not that Kendra blamed him. It would likely have been before his time in government, as it was even before Richmond had been elected. She thought it had been about 5 years, maybe a little longer. All she knew was that it had been the case that had gotten her every position she’d had since.

“Byron Brown. He was a Senate staffer about 5 years ago, claimed he was a whistleblower but he was lying.” She knew that people always said their accusers were lying, but this time there had been proof. They hadn’t been particularly clever lies and fabrications. “We had all the evidence and the judge dismissed the case. Six months later Byron committed suicide.” 

“You remember it?” Forstell had clearly come expecting to remind her of the details. The truth was that Kendra remembered every single one of her cases, and she probably always would. At the look, she gave him Forstell just held his hand up. “Of course you do. Shawn was his brother.”

“He targeted the First Lady… because of me?” That didn’t seem to sit properly in her mind, and she couldn’t even imagine how she would face people if that was true. Why would he try to kill Alex because he wanted Kendra to suffer? He was getting his wish, she was suffering, but she was fairly sure that the other shoe was about to drop and it was going to shock her. 

“Kendra… we don’t believe that the first lady was the target.” That… what? How did that make any sense? It was her motorcade, there were so many other ways he could have gotten Kendra, why would he do it while she was there? It didn’t make sense. “We believe that you were the target, and he would have tried again if he weren’t caught.” 

“I’m going to be sick.” She felt the bile in the back of her throat and she just rocketed out and to the bathroom. She was sure that Seth would be able to deal with what was left to go through if anything. The rest could wait, and Kendra would tackle it tomorrow, but she really didn’t know that she wanted to. Never because had she wanted to go back to before more. 

* * *

***Seth***

Seth watched as Kendra rocketed off and knew that he should leave her for a few minutes. He was beginning to get a feel for how she dealt with things, and he would need to leave her a few moments to get herself together. “You know, I’d just got her to stop crying.” He grumbled because he had the feeling that tonight was not going to end how he’d planned on it doing, with both of them getting some sleep. “You don’t understand how hard she’s taken all of this. How much she blames herself.”

“It isn’t her fault. Nobody thinks it’s her fault.” Forstell said, and that was something that Seth would be able to take to her when he’d seen the director off. Seth had never really had to be alone with him before, but they had nodded to each other when they’d passed, now he just wanted to protect someone he loved from him.

“She blames you too,” Seth said quietly because while Kendra had never said it in that many words he knew. He knew that she blamed Forstell, and the president, and so many people. Anyone that had led to the motorcade being where it was that night. He didn’t know why the motorcade would be targeted, but that was secondary to him. Honestly, Seth would admit he was the only person on the planet who was happy that it had been Alex and not Kendra who was in the hit car. “Almost as much as she blames herself.”

Forstell looked down and frowned, and clearly was thinking about what to say. This new situation seemed to be making everyone far more honest than they would normally have been. “It might be my fault. We should have had our ear to the ground, we should have heard more about this. He had to have been planning for a month.” Seth wanted to scream that yes, they should have known. Threats against White House staff were meant to fall to the FBI. Instead, Seth tried to change his attitude and remember that he needed to focus on Kendra right now.

“Do you need anything more out of her tonight?” He asked quietly, not sure that Forstell would be able to get anything sensible out of her even if he tried right now. Seth wasn’t sure that he’d be able to get that much out of her, though really he hoped that she wouldn’t revert to how she was a few nights earlier. He was going to try and talk to her immediately to try and prevent that, at least. 

“No, but I’ll want to see her at my office tomorrow.” Seth paused for a second hearing that and realised that going back to the Hoover building really was the last thing that Kendra needed. Seth wasn’t sure that she would be able to cope with being back there at all, and if there was going to be a backslide, it would be as a result of that. With how casually Forstell had thrown it out it was as though he just expected it to happen that way, but Seth wasn’t going to stand for that. 

“You… you think she’s going to  _ your _ office? After Christmas Day?” It wasn’t really a question, and Seth wasn’t going to take anything short of him changing his mind. “No, you can come to her office.” That was his compromise, and when Forstell raised his eyebrow Seth felt like he just needed to remind Forstell that he wasn’t the only powerful one in this conversation. “You think I don’t have pull?”

“Fine, fine. I’ll come to the White House.” He backed down, and at that Seth got up and lead him toward the door, as Seth really didn’t actually want to neglect Kendra any longer, and he had a feeling that after this conversation Forstell would be glad to leave. “Will you be there?” 

“No, I’m her… well, I’ll talk to the Chief of Staff. She’ll be there.” Seth didn’t think it was professional for him to be there with Kendra when they were at work, so he’d tell Emily and let her be there. “Now… let me go deal with her. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” He couldn’t resist it, and as Forstell headed to the door Seth went down the narrow corridor to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

When he heard no objection or noise at all he pushed the door open to see Kendra just sat on the floor beside the toilet. She had a tissue in her hand and tears streaming down her cheeks once again. “Hey baby, you okay?” It was a dumb question, but Seth couldn’t actually help it, he just needed to make sure that she was alright.

“She was killed because of me, Seth,” Kendra said, turning her big brown eyes up to him and once again breaking his heart. He hated to see her sad, and more than that, he hated to know that the cause of her sadness was something so senseless. He was going to have to help her deal with that and try to stop her from blaming herself when it really wasn’t her fault.

“No she wasn’t, she was killed because of a madman who wanted revenge,” Forstell confirming that not one person blamed her made him sure that she would listen, but it wasn’t going to be easy to get her to listen, he knew that. “It wasn’t your fault, you weren’t driving the truck.” He held both his hands out to her and tried to smile. “Come on, let’s get back to the movie. Wash your face and brush your teeth.”

Kendra followed his instructions just like that, and he perched on the edge of the tub, chirping about whatever ridiculous thing came into his mind while they were there. When she was done he just took her back out to the living room and they curled back up again. “Do you really think it wasn’t my fault?” The question was quiet, but it was clear that she needed an answer to it.

“I know it wasn’t your fault, and the FBI also knows that it wasn’t your fault.” Seth knew that her being the target was definitely going to add another layer of complexity to everything, but that she was going to ignore it until she couldn’t anymore. Seth wasn’t going to let her do that. “They don’t even think it was your fault.”

“How do you know that?” She asked, and there was a disbelieving look on her face as she did. She believed this was her fault, knowing her there would always be a part of her that did. But Seth knew better, and so did everyone else who knew anything about what had happened. It wasn’t at all Kendra’s fault.

“Forstell told me after you ran through there. It’s not you, baby. It was never you.” Seth took the opportunity to kiss her deeply, trying with all his might to erase everything that had happened tonight, make it so they focused on just the two of them, then, of course, there was another loud knock on the door, and Seth felt Kendra’s moan of disappointment more than he heard it. “That’s the door.”

“If it’s Forstell tell him to fuck off.” She yelled as he got up to answer the door. If it was Forstell that was exactly what was going to happen. Anything else he didn’t know. In all the nights he’d spent here over the last 3 months he didn’t think they’d ever had more than one visitor, and that had nearly always been a delivery guy.

When he opened the door he just had a pizza handed to him, and then the delivery guy walked away. Clearly whoever ordered this had paid for it, and paid the tip too. There was a note on top of the box, and when Seth read it he had to smirk a little.  _ ‘I heard the pizza conversation. Take it as my apology. John.’ _

“It’s from Forstell, I think you might forgive him just a little. He sent pizza.” Seth even checked it, and somehow he’d known to order the veggie feast. Though again, there were so few secrets in DC it was probably known that Kendra was a strict vegetarian. He still didn’t know how that was going to fit in with his meat-eating life, but so far she hadn’t cared. 

As he handed her the pizza she looked a little less upset, and clearly, their make-out session had at least gotten her to stop crying again. Seth wondered if texting Lyor to come over here tonight would be worth it after all, but when she sounded more cheerful when she next spoke he thought that tonight might be good just the two of them. “Alright. He’s actually slightly redeemed. I still hate him though.” Seth just chuckled then sat down beside her again, hoping that this was just a different avenue and that they would still be able to help Kendra get past this.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had been sitting alone. It seemed to be usual right now. He hadn’t actually thought all that much about it until now, that every night he spent alone now was a night he would have usually spent with Alex. They didn’t even usually do anything, they were just there, together, and it had been all the comfort he’d needed. Now though, he spent it alone, or with Penny if she again couldn’t sleep. Right now, she was managing to sleep, and Leo seemed quiet too. He was about to give up and just go to bed, praying for some sort of national emergency, when there was a knock on the door. Okay, he didn’t actually want a national emergency. “Mr President.”

Tom decided to pretend he was a normal person, and he answered the door instead of just shouting for him to come in. “Director Forstell. What can I do for you?” It didn’t seem that urgent, that just made Tom feel a little better. A little less like he’d just cursed the country with his desire for a break to his lonely monotony. 

“We know who killed your wife.” It was a simple statement, but it both broke Tom and made him desperate for revenge all at once. He knew there was someone who was at the hospital, who had been driving the truck, but when there had last been an update nobody had known if he was the mastermind or just some poor smuck who had been forced into doing it. Tom had hoped, in some ways, it was the latter. It would mean they would have something to search for, but that was just because he didn’t want to believe this was all over so simply.

“Come in.” He offered after a second and went back to his seat. At least he would have a name now for the person who did it. He would have someone concrete to blame. The person who physically carried out the attack and had decided to kill his darling wife. That was better than almost anything else. That was what he needed. “Who was it.”

“A man called Shawn Brown. He was driving the truck and was the sole plotter.” Forstell pulled a photograph out of his file. The man couldn’t be much older than 25, and he was also very white. That would at least shut some of the more conservative factions of the press up about what was going on. It didn’t look like it was what some of them had been assuming. 

“An extremist?” He had to ask. Even domestic terrorists were extremists for one reason or another. Sometimes the possible reasons just didn’t make all that much sense to the sane people who had to live with the aftermath. That was definitely not something that was going to be easy for him to get used to, thinking of himself as being the family of a victim. How he wished that wasn’t true. Desperately he wished that it wasn’t true. 

“No, sir. But it was targeted… but Mrs Kirkman was not the target.” Forstell said it with a tone that managed to combine trepidation and concern at the same time. But… Alex wasn’t the target? Maybe they had all just assumed that it had to be her, since she was the one who was, well, married to him. But of course, it could have been anyone else, or someone entirely unrelated. Though he had a feeling that Forstell knew exactly who was targeted, and that would explain the trepidation.

“Who was the target?” He tried to sound even, as though it didn’t really matter to him given that it wasn’t going to change the fact that his wife was the one that was dead, but it would change something. There were people he could blame now. He just needed for the target not to be… 

“Kendra Daynes, sir.” Dammit. That was who he has wanted it not to be. That little pit in his stomach that seemed to grow every time he thought about the lawyer gave another annoying quiver. This wasn’t going to help him stop blaming her for all of this. It gave another reason why it was her fault… but why would she be targeted? She may be senior staff, but she was a relatively low ranked member. 

“Kendra…” He was relieved that he sounded concerned rather than angry because he would be able to hide that he was blaming her from other people a little bit longer. Maybe that way he could start to deal with it. “Why was she the target?”

“A few years ago she defended Senator Jaskowicz against a whistleblower who had fabricated evidence. She was right, she won.” So, Kendra had done her job. The thing that Alex had told him a thousand times. A lawyer doesn’t always pick the defendant they had, but they had to do the best for the client, and that was clearly what Kendra had done for the late senator in this case.

So it led to follow that this attacker was someone in this case if that was the one that the FBI was singling out. It certainly wasn’t going to be a coincidence. In fact, after the Capitol bombing, Kendra would be the only person still alive who had been involved in the defence of that case. “This Brown man?”

“No, sir. His brother.” That was another twist to the tale that Tom probably should have seen coming. It was going to be a family member, of course, it was. “The brother, Byron. He committed suicide six months after the case, and it now appears that Shawn has been blaming Ms Daynes since then.” Another death, someone else who blamed Kendra. Wasn’t that just the kind of thing he needed to be reminded of. That if he blamed her he would turn just as bitter and twisted. 

Was Tom the first to be getting this news? He felt that if this could be impacting Kendra’s life she really should know if she didn’t already know he would be ordering Forstell to go straight to tell her. Tom may be angry with her, but despite that, he didn’t actually want her to be dead. “Does she know?”

“Yes, sir. I went to see her before I came here.” That was good, and it meant that Tom wouldn’t have to worry about her for the night. Somehow though, he had the feeling that Kendra wasn’t actually going to be having all that good a night. Not after finding out news like this. It would have thrown him for a loop when he was her age, it would be worse now. 

“How did she take?” Did it really matter? Tom didn’t want to know but couldn’t stop himself from asking, and Forstell had no reason not to take him at his word, that he did truly want to know how this was affecting one of his closest advisors. It was a line that Tom was already learning to walk, but it was a very, very thin one.

“Not well. Seth Wright is with her.” That was both surprising and not surprising all that same time. He’d had his suspicions about their relationship, he was fairly sure that everyone in the White House had, but it hadn’t been mentioned by anyone outside of their little White House family until this point. “They seem very close, I think he’ll keep her safe tonight.”

“That’s good, and yes. Seth is very protective of her these days.” Tom didn’t confirm or deny anything, he didn’t know and he didn’t plan on asking. It was better they keep that doctrine alive here. He also didn’t want to think about Kendra being happy because that just made him flash red hot with rage. He needed to try and control it. This wasn’t her fault. Maybe if he repeated it to himself enough he’d start to believe it. “Thank you for telling me, John.”

“Shawn Brown is under arrest sir, and will be charged with both murder and two counts of attempted murder upon his release from the hospital.” That was who he should be blaming. It actually was Shawn Brown’s fault. He was the one who did all of this. But it wasn’t enough to stop his mind. “I thought you should know too.”

“Yes, thank you.” He dismissed, then he did just go to bed, checking his morning wake up time. All the while he had to sit reminding himself that it wasn’t Kendra’s fault. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. But no matter how much he said it, he was still an awfully long way away from believing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Further explanation of why Kendra was targeted comes up later in the fic, don't get frustrated it's not all explained straight away.


	6. Day Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this one took so long to get up. I took the three days of Christmas off writing as I was so busy with family things, and my muse always suffers when @PinkAngel disappears for more than a couple of days. Anyway, she has returned and so has my muse.

**_December 29th, 2017_ **

***Kendra***

This was the moment that Kendra had been dreading, and she’d kind of been hoping that it wouldn’t come until the New Year, but she’d known that that was an unrealistic hope in reality. Legal issues waited for nobody, especially not her mental health. She was prepping her table when she looked up to see Lyor sidling into the bench behind her. “What are you doing here?” She asked quietly, though secretly she was really glad that Lyor was there, if only because it meant she’d have one friendly face.

“Moral support.” He answered, and Kendra wondered if Seth had sent him, but actually it didn’t really seem like any of their colleagues. They would assume she’d be fine on her own, but Lyor had always been somewhat uniquely skilled at knowing exactly when she was failing most. Clearly, she was still giving him a questioning look as he just shrugged then carried on with an explanation. “It’s a slow day for a political advisor.”

“You have slow days?” She asked, genuinely surprised. Kendra hadn’t actually experienced a slow day in the three months since she’d started here. Every day she’d had something, between the investigations, the First Family and her actual job she’d been struggling to find time to eat some days, and she knew that Lyor was normally at least as busy as she was.

“I know, it’s as much a surprise to me as it is to you.” He joked, and that was a good way to point out that it was a surprise but that also meant that it was possible that they would occasionally have slow days and just remember that it couldn’t always go on like this, surely. He then reached forward and rubbed her arm, something else that made her feel confident again. “Seriously Ken, I’m here for you.”

“Well, come sit up here, you’ll look less conspicuous.” It would also mean she felt less alone in front of everyone. She knew that most of this was that the last time I was alone was during the accident, last time she’d been arguing as her job had been there with the First Lady. “When did you start calling me Ken? Seth’s rubbing off on you?” Lyor had seemed to be a stickler for using people’s full names when he could, so it was a surprise to hear him call her Ken. 

“He must be.” Lyor just smiled, and Kendra reached out and squeezed his hand when he joined her at the table. She then just watched as he looked all around the courtroom, seemingly entirely fascinated by it all. “You know… I’ve never actually been in court.” That was a surprise, especially since Kendra remembered Emily mentioning they met at college, and that Lyor had been getting his Juris Doctorate at the time. 

“You went to law school!” She yelped, just in time for the defendants to be coming in. Kendra quite liked that that was the timing she had picked, as it gave them the impression that she was surprised by the fact Lyor went to law school, not that she was surprised that he’d never been in court.

“Yeah but I never practised and never sat the bar. I always wanted to be in politics, I never wanted… this.” He indicated around them, to the other people and the venue in general. Kendra had to admit that she really didn’t understand what he was saying, but that was because she couldn’t imagine not wanting to be here. She had always wanted this, and there had never been another career she’d considered. She’d said when she was 8 that she’d be a lawyer, and she’d never wavered. 

“This is all I ever wanted.” She admitted and smiled, looking fondly around the room, and she realised that Lyor had done probably exactly what he wanted. He had taken her mind off of Christmas entirely, and she’d focused on someone else. She was about to thank him when their judge stepped into the room and Kendra instead thought that telling Lyor not to speak would be a better plan.  “Okay, be quiet.”

Lyor, thankfully, managed to stay silent through the whole hour-long proceedings. Kendra was very thankful for that, as it meant that she could get into the flow and remember how comfortable all this felt to her, fighting for something. Even when she didn’t believe in what she was fighting for, she’d do what she had to. As they were walking out she felt Lyor’s hand go to the small of her back, the same as Seth’s always did when they walked together, then he smiled and gave her probably the biggest compliment he ever had. “You are really good at this, Ken.”

“Thanks.” She almost stuttered, she was just so surprised that Lyor was being so liberal with compliments, which was not usually his style. One of the things she loved about him was that he was blunt, and he liked to show people what he thought. That often meant some sort of gesture. 

“I can see now why this was all you ever wanted.” He commented, following her out of the courthouse and over to her car, and she wondered if he’d got a cab here. He certainly just seemed to assume she’d take him. Though he was also just continuing to talk, so maybe he was just too focused on his thoughts. “You’re a natural, I don’t think I could think of arguments on my feet that fast.”

“I don’t know babe, you keep up with me every day.” Kendra wasn’t even flattering him, she had to keep up with him all the time. Maybe he thought he couldn’t keep up in that setting, but again, Kendra had seen him with the President, and in the Oval. Lyor could argue with the best if he wanted too. “I gotta get back to the White House.” Being blunt seemed like it was going to be the only way that it worked, but she hoped it wouldn’t seem rude.

“Forstell? I know Seth told me, and Emily asked me to be the one to sit in.” That was news, but actually, she wasn’t surprised. It was an open secret that she and Seth were dating, and Emily was probably too busy to sit in on something like this. Lyor hovered at the door and clearly realised that he hadn’t actually asked her. “Can I get a ride?” 

She paused then nodded and as soon as they were back in the car she felt the tears well up again, even though she tried to control them. “I was the target, Lyor. It was me he wanted to kill, Not Alex.” this was one of the situations where she was very glad to know that Lyor had long limbs, as he just reached over the car and gave her a hug before kissing the top of her head. It was enough that it stopped the tears falling, and that was what she’d needed.

“Well, I know this is probably an unpopular opinion but I know Seth and I are both happy that it wasn’t you,” Lyor said quietly, taking hold of her hand gently and holding it close to him. “I know I don’t say it often, but you really do mean as much to me as he does,” Lyor said, and to Kendra that was almost a declaration of love. Lyor was closer to Seth, they both were, really, but that didn’t stop them caring just as deeply for each other too.

“I know, I do.” Kendra nodded, thinking that being clear that she already knew was the best thing for Lyor, as he worried that he wasn’t clear enough sometimes. “Believe me, I wouldn’t argue with you as much if I didn’t feel the same.” She really wouldn’t, but the longer she thought about her relationship the more she thought about what the president must be going through right now. “Can we talk about our relationship at a later date though? I don’t think I have the mental capacity to deal with all this right now.” It was all she could do to keep her composure, and that was important, especially since she needed to deal with Forstell still. 

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had gotten used to not having Lisa Jordan in his press room, but now she was back from whatever temporary assignment she’d been on, and he was finding her even more annoying than Tiffany. “Hey, Seth. I heard an interesting rumour.” Lisa shouted after him, chasing him down the corridor a little. “About your girlfriend and the first lady’s death.” How the hell did she know anything about this? He wouldn’t know if he hadn’t been in Kendra’s place.  “About how it isn’t what we think.”

Well, that made him stop, he knew that she meant Kendra, and he also knew that it wasn’t exactly a secret anymore. He was still going to play dumb, though, just because of who he was speaking to. “What girlfriend?” It didn’t sound at all convincing, but he’d long since decided that convincing wasn’t always what was needed.

“Please, Seth. We all know about you and Kendra Daynes but we’ll keep it quiet until it suits us.” That sounded vaguely threatening so Seth decided not to keep pushing it. He wanted to know exactly what the press was saying and how he could get with both Kendra and the president to manage this. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to entirely, but he was going to try.

“What about Kendra and the motorcade?” The press and, well, everyone had been operating on the presumption that Alex Kirkman had been the target, and the fact that the First Lady of the US was murdered in a targeted attack where she wasn’t even the target was going to actually bring around a whole other batch of questions. 

“A source at the FBI is saying Kendra was the target, not Mrs Kirkman.” Lisa sounded almost gleeful about it, and Seth tried not to be too angry about that. She was doing her job, and neither of them had any reason to think it was more than that. Yet with everything in her voice, Seth couldn’t help but feel protective of Kendra, and of Lyor too. He’d had a lucky escape, he realised. When he said nothing about her statement Lisa just carried on. “Related to the late Senator Jaskowicz. She defended that case didn’t she?”

“You know I don’t comment on FBI investigations.” That was all that he was going to say on it because this was an FBI investigation and he wasn’t going to deviate from White House policy just because Lisa Jordan was bored and wanted a statement. Seth also wanted to protect Kendra for as long as he possibly could, even if it was only another few hours.

“Oh come on, give me something.” Lisa was persistent, Seth would give her that, it was one of the reasons he didn’t miss having her in his press room. If she got her teeth in something he knew it was going to be a bad day, and it was going to be a worse day when the  _ thing _ involved his girlfriend.

So he tried to think of something he could say, try and end the moment on a happier not. He doubted that it would actually be all that successful, but he was going to give a try anyway if only to save blushes on both their behalves. “I’ll have the staff statement for the President’s birthday in an hour.” Seth nodded, thinking that the statement was something, at least, that would distract.

“Seth!” Lisa shouted as he just started to walk away into the restricted area where Lisa wasn’t actually allowed. Lisa was annoying, but she did respect that line of demarcation that separated the press area and the rest of the West Wing. “Fine, I’ll be running it in the evening edition.” So he had a few hours to prepare Kendra for that, but he was going to murder John Forstell first.

“I’m not giving you any more than that, it’s not policy to talk about FBI investigations. Sorry, Lisa.” He then ducked into the communications bullpen and he felt the false smiled fall off his face almost instantly. He tried his hardest not to snap at people, but that wasn’t something he could easily control either. 

“Alright, why do you look like you’re going to murder someone?” One of the assistants said, falling into step beside him. Seth felt like he wasn’t going to stop being angry about things like this until he confronted the only leak. He knew Emily and Lyor wouldn’t have had time to speak to anyone, and Kendra was still too unsure about what it meant to have said anything to anyone other than him. He hadn’t said anything, which meant it had to have come from Forstell’s office. 

“Get me Director Forstell on the secure line, right now. I’m going to see Kendra, then Lyor and Emily, in that order.” He ordered hoping that someone, anyone, could actually help get hold of Forstell. If he could yell at Forstell maybe he wouldn’t be struggling quite so much with what he was going to have to tell Kendra. This was going to be an unpleasant conversation, he just hoped that she was back from court.

“I think he’s with Kendra, actually. Forstell that is.” Oh, that couldn’t be good. He’d known Forstell was coming around, but he hadn’t known when and he hadn’t been sure who would be there with her. He hoped Emily or Aaron or maybe even one of the interns in the Counsel’s office was with her, but he couldn’t know that either.

“I’ll go see him then. I’ll sort out Emily and Lyor later.” He could see Kendra after he chewed out Forstell, and he would be doing because he was fairly sure after today she was going to need it. He could get Emily and Lyor after that when Kendra was alright to be left alone again. He wasn’t going to be taking that for granted for a while. 

Seth then stormed through the West Wing, and he was slightly glad that his clearly angry face stopped anyone from trying to talk to him. As he approached Kendra’s office he saw Forstell stepping out. He waited for a second then stepped over to her. “What are you playing at?” He then said. It was a low growl, nothing at all like his usual speaking voice. Hopefully enough that Forstell would know that he was pissed. 

“Seth?” Forstell asked, pausing but moving him a little further away from the door. Clearly realising that whatever Seth was going to say was something that right now Kendra didn’t really need to hear. Especially not as an accusation against someone. Seth really didn’t want her to find out that way either.

“You leaked that Kendra was the target.” Seth didn’t want to make a huge scene of this, not yet, but he knew that everyone was going to know in just a few hours, but he was going to make sure that Kendra had some warning, and that the president did too. It made Seth so angry that it had been leaked so they didn’t have the time to prepare. He was also sending Emily to tell the president, that was not the job he wanted.

“I absolutely did not.” Forstell seemed slightly more defensive that Seth would have expected, and it didn’t seem like it was an act to him. Forstell didn’t actually seem to lie all that often, which was a surprise given what his job was like. Seth believed that he didn’t do it himself, but there was still an FBI leak, and that was a problem.

“Well, then you have a leak the size of the hole in the Titanic. Someone went to the press, and in the White House, only four people know and they are all senior staff, so it came from your office.” Seth wasn’t even going to pretend that he wasn’t accusing, it was definitely an accusation. “Find who leaked it and stop them, because right now the White House is sitting on the fact that you didn’t think Brown was a credible threat.” Now he was threatening the whole FBI, oh well, he was already balls deep, he might as well keep going.“I would hate for my press room to learn about that.”

“I’ll get it dealt with, and I’ll have the FBI making a statement in… Four hours?” That was a start because at least that meant he could control it until then if anyone else in his press room had it, and he certainly wasn’t going to tell Lisa to go first. If he liked a reporter more he might do it. “You might want to prepare the White House for it. I’ll forward it to Emily in an hour. The press will all have it before evening deadlines.”

So, he needed to let Forstell off the hook, at least for a little while. There was a lot that he could have said in response to what happened here, including telling Seth to suck it up. So the fact that he was agreeing to basically just do what Seth said was something that he wasn’t going to say often. “Thank you.” 

* * *

***Tom***

Emily had come to see him and Tom knew that meant bad news. It was a tradition that the President was left alone unless there was an emergency on his birthday. There had been something in him that also knew it was going to be about the attack and the fact Alex wasn’t the target. It hadn’t taken long to get out, but it seemed Seth and the FBI had it mostly handled. “So they are releasing it?”

“Yes, sir. Seth will hold it in the White House briefing room until then.” Seth was a good press secretary, better than he would have been if he was just the communications director. Tom honestly believed that. Emily clearly wanted to move to something more positive, but Tom wasn’t sure anything was positive right now. “He made the annual birthday statement earlier.”

“I saw it. Not much joy in this birthday.” He couldn’t help it from slipping out, even though he hated himself for it. Seth and the senior staff had clearly started working on it long before the accident, and it had been a very sweet, lighthearted roast. It just hadn’t managed to raise many smiles.

“No, I imagine not.” Emily sighed and just stopped trying. Tom didn’t want to demoralise his staff, but he just didn’t know how to pretend to be cheerier than he felt. He just wished Alex was there, and he would give anything to make that possible. He supposed this was what they meant by the bargaining stage of grief. “Do you need anything else, sir?”

“No thank you, Emily.” He shook his head, looking down at the file, it was as he looked at that that he realised there had been something that he wanted for Emily to do, and checking that she’d been able to get it all done was probably what he needed. “Wait… Have you arranged with the staff for the viewing tomorrow?”

“Yes sir, Aaron, Lyor and I are going first thing while Seth briefs. Then he and Kendra are going. We gave Kendra a longer slot.” That was probably a sensible idea, but there was that red-hot rage sparking for a second. He needed to try and ignore that though, as it wasn’t helpful to anyone. “Some of Mrs Kirkman’s staff are going after Seth and Kendra, then the evening is full blocked off for you, as requested.”

“Thank you for organising that Emily. It can’t have been easy.” He would have left it to the home, but Tom had known there would be issues of national security that Emily would need to consider too. She had been the best one to organise it, and now he didn’t have to worry about people squabbling over when they got to say goodbye.

“We all do what we have to,” Emily answered slightly coldly, but Tom didn’t have enough in him to dive into that minefield. Instead, he just moved away and went to settle on the sofa, hoping that she would take it as the dismissal he wanted it to be. “Enjoy the rest of your birthday.” She said after a few seconds and then he heard her turn and walk away, there was nothing he could enjoy right now, only things that weren’t going to make things more difficult.

Once Emily had left the room he turned his attention back to the TV screen and the DVD he was playing. It had actually been his birthday present the year before from Alex and was a DVD of all his other birthdays. He was up to the first one with Penny, just 5 months old sat in Alex’s arms, not seeming to understand what was happening. That had been back before he’d started in government service, and long before any of this had been possible.

Alex looked so alive, so vibrant and happy. Occasionally tickling Penny and asking ‘ _ where’s daddy _ ’ as though the baby actually knew anything that was going on. Leo, on the other hand, was jumping around shouting ‘open my present daddy’. Alex trying to get him to use his inside voice. Tom had never known why she’d been so insistent they film these things, but he couldn’t be more grateful for it now. 

As one year faded into the next Tom remembered how much he had loved this time he got to spend with his family. Every year they did the same thing. They were all together for it, they had dinner together, and Tom would get to open his presents. Whatever Alex had picked out for him. He knew that he was crying at the video when he heard the door open and immediately tried to school his features into something that looked less broken. “Daddy.”

“Hey, Little Pea.” He smiled seeing his children. Right now they were the only bright spots in his life, even if Leo was possibly angrier than Tom himself was. Tom wished that he could talk Leo down, but probably until he talked himself down that was going to be almost impossible. “Leo, come sit.”

“We got you a present!” Penny chirped, and as Leo sat down he held out an immaculately wrapped gift. Definitely not something that either of them would have done. Penny didn’t know how to wrap properly yet, and Leo was a seventeen-year-old boy, who took after Tom in that respect. Penny just seemed happy with herself right now. “And I made you a card.”

“You did! Thank you.” He took the card and opened it, and seeing just Penny and Leo’s names there, not signed by Alex too, it was a stabbing pain that he hadn’t quite expected to feel. It was still a sweet gesture in the face of their personal family tragedy, but he wasn’t as ready to handle it as he thought he’d been.

“Mom got it last week. We didn’t want you to go through your birthday not getting anything so we found where she hid it.” Leo said quietly, and for the first time since Tom had told him about the collision there wasn’t anger and sadness in his voice, just a resigned certainty about it all, and a sincere desire to try and cheer Tom up. 

“It wasn’t hard, Leo,” Penny said, in her typical blunt manner. For a ten-year-old, Penny had already decided that tact was unnecessary, and she preferred to say things how she saw them. It was something that Tom loved her, and definitely something that she got from her mother. “She always hides things in the same place.”

“It’s perfect. How about we all watch a movie?” It seemed like the perfect time to just sit and watch a movie together, something to take their minds off of everything, and maybe if they did it right it wouldn’t feel like Alex was missing at all. If they could all just pretend for one night it would be easier to face the rest of the world.


	7. Day Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very, very sad.

**_December 30th, 2017_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had been dreading this all night, and it was possibly why she’d been a little more clingy to Lyor than she usually was. He’d been the first to visit the First Lady’s casket this morning and was already back at the White House to handle things when she and Seth had left. Emily, Aaron and Hannah Wells were in right now, and Kendra wondered for a second if Hannah felt any guilt over this at all. Then she felt the tug on her hand as Seth pulled her up the steps, and Kendra instead stood still, tugging his arm back. “I don’t think I’m ready for this, Seth.”

“That’s why I’m here, babe. It’s OK, I’m with you.” Normally, that would be the reassurance she needed, but not today. Seth being with her just wasn’t enough to make her ready to climb those steps and face the consequences of Christmas Day. She knew, she already knew, that it was going to be a long journey before it truly sunk in, but this was the first tangible thing to make her face it. “All the way.”

“I do not deserve you.” She truly believed that. Seth was much, much more than she deserved and he was just so lovely to her when she needed someone he was always, always there. This time, she allowed him to start pulling her up the stairs, but the growing feeling of trepidation increased with every step, every move they made closer to the room they knew was holding their destination.

As they reached the top and turned into the left-hand corridor, three familiar faces stopped a few steps ahead of them. Kendra wondered if her trepidation was as obvious to them as it felt like it would be. “Hey, the White House still it one piece?” Emily asked, trying to sound cheerful but it fell entirely flat. None of them was in the mood for brevity, and Kendra didn’t think any of them would ever really be able to let go enough.

“It was when we left, but Lyor’s in charge.” Seth was clearly trying to match Emily but didn’t really manage it. Kendra squeezed his hand gently, not wanting to let it go and wanting to show her support, normally that would just be a hand on his shoulder or a nod, something far less tactile than this. Today though, she had a feeling that she was going to need Seth to keep hold of her, too.

“We should get back.” Aaron clearly read the mood slightly better and took the lead on the conversation. It meant that Emily wasn’t going to be but in any more awkward positions. He seemed to understand that this wasn’t going to be easy for her, and she just nodded to him in thanks. “Take as long as you need, okay. Then take lunch. We can do without you until the afternoon.” They both nodded, then stepped to the side to let their friends pass and leave. 

==Kendra then paused again, doing anything she could to stop herself from walking through that door. She wasn't ready for it, and she just wanted to avoid going in. Stay stood out here until she couldn't pretend anymore. So that was what she'd try and do, try and get Seth to go first. “You should go first, you knew her longer.” Yes, she was stalling for time and she knew that Seth would see through it in an instant but she still needed to try.

“Ken… we’ll go together, come on.” He held her hand a little tighter and pushed the door open before pulling her in, and this was the moment that she’d been dreading. As the door closed behind her and her eyes landed on Alex’s coffin she felt bile rising in her throat and she couldn’t move another step. Seth didn’t pull her, but it was clear he wasn’t going to let her go backwards like she wanted either.

“No, no I really think you should go first because I’m just not ready.” She shook her head, and although she wanted to turn and flee she was rooted to the spot. The tears were already burning angry hot trails down her cheeks as she tried to pretend that nothing was wrong and she was fine. “I’m not ready.”

“Kendra, come here. Walk up with me.” Seth stepped back and wrapped his arm around her waist, nuzzling his nose into her cheek in one of the most weirdly comforting and affectionate gestures she’d ever known someone to have. Feeling him that close made her feel a little more confident, a little more like she wasn’t going to collapse into a sobbing mass the second she was left to stand on her own. She felt like Seth was going to be right there with her, keeping her upright. “I’ll stay right beside you, right here.”

They neared the coffin and she tried not to shake, not to sob, not to let herself start to break down but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do any of it and those were the only words escaping her mouth. “I can’t, Seth. I can’t.” She repeated it over and over and over, but Seth never stopped his gentle pressure moving her forward, never stopped reassuring her that he was right there. 

“It’s a closed casket, baby. It’s okay.” That was something she needed reminding of, and when she felt their feet stop she opened her eyes and looked at the casket. Mahogany and ash. That was something that Kendra could focus on, something that wasn’t the person who was laying in the casket. Focusing on what it was made of, the colour, the embellishing, it was all something that she could try and focus on to ignore the facts of the situation. “It’s okay I got you,” Seth said, and Kendra took that as permission to let go and talk.

“Why wasn’t it me?” She said quietly, then took a final step to put her hand on the polished wood. Her fingers trailing over the nameplate that would tell future generations who had been buried in this space. Kendra’s mind just thought through the things that she thought that she should say. “It should have been me.” It was a whisper, something she didn’t really want Seth to hear, but she couldn’t help it. This was how she felt. “You had a husband and children.”

==How long she stayed there she didn’t know. She knew at some point Seth had moved away slightly, saying his own goodbye privately. That was the point where she’d dropped into a chair and just stared at her hands. She did feel a little better, though she felt like it was temporary. After every emotional breakdown, she felt better, and it never lasted. She wanted to hope every time that she was getting over it, learning to heal, but it never seemed to actually be working. For the first time in many years, she sat praying, hoping that to whatever afterlife Alex Kirkman had gone too was a good one. She was in a world of her own when she felt the hand on her shoulder. “You ready to go?” 

“I think so.” She nodded and stood up, wiping her eyes and thinking of something else she could say. Something she could talk about that wasn’t anywhere near as painful as what they’d been talking about, what they’d been here to do. There was nothing that came readily to mind, so instead, she just looked at Seth and put her hand gently on his cheek for a second before dropping it away. “Thank you, babe.”

“No need to thank me.” Seth shook his head, always so sweet and gentle, never believing that he deserved the praise he got. He moved around from where he’d been standing to stand beside her, clearly thinking that it was time they leave, get along with their lives. Try and heal from all that was contained in this room, not that Kendra thought she would ever get away from this. “Come on, let’s let the others say their goodbyes.”

The longer she thought about that the more she realised that that was going to require her going back to work, and she just wasn’t sure that she could do that. There was nothing that she had to do that was pressing, and she’d rather take the next couple of days off. They’d all been told to take New Year’s Eve unless there was an emergency, but after this, she didn’t really want to go back. “I really don’t know if I can go back to work today.”

“Let’s go and eat,” Seth said, taking her hand and starting to pull her to the door, instead she used her martial arts training to pull him to her and wrap her arms around him. She needed to have a few private moments with Seth, nobody else seeing them and wanting to hold him to feel like she was centred. She may not have been with him any length of time, but imagining losing him made her realise a fraction of what the President must have been feeling. As the hug lengthened Seth gave up trying to get her to move, and instead chucked in her ear as they stayed glued to the spot. “Or just stay here and hug that’s cool too.”

* * *

***Seth***

Seth couldn’t explain how much it had hurt in that instant, hearing Kendra say that it should have been her. Every day he was falling more in love with her, and he knew that Lyor was feeling similar, and that made it hard to imagine that she would ever be the one who wasn’t here anymore. He had known that she was struggling, but not to this extent. He had spent every night with her since the accident, how had he been blind to that? He was relieved that she seemed to pick up again after the visit, then she’d pulled him into this seemingly unending hug. “Shall we go home, we can eat last night’s leftovers?” He asked quietly into her ear, just wanting to get her away now. 

“Please.” As soon as she responded he started walking, keeping his arm around her, calling for a cab. He was glad they’d both decided that driving today was not in either of their best interests and so they waited in silence, Seth really just taking the opportunity to shower her in as much affection as he could. When the cab arrived they climbed in the back, giving Kendra’s address, then fell silent again. At least they were silent until Kendra said a sentence that made his heart stop. “Seth, I want a baby.”

“Wait… what?” Everything stopped in his heart and mind in that instant. What had brought that on? He knew that she wanted children, it was something they’d spoken about early on in their relationship, and it had been reinforced when they’d discussed boundaries when Lyor got involved. He hadn’t thought that it was something that was anywhere near this immediate though, but this situation was clearly making her think more about what she wanted. “That’s just the emotions talking, Ken.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve been thinking about it a long time but… now feels like I shouldn’t put it off anymore. I’m not getting any younger.” Seth wrapped an arm around her again and cuddled her close. He definitely didn’t want to say no, not now, especially since the idea of them having a baby was something he could fully get behind, but he was concerned that the desire was only coming from the fact they’d lost their friend. He wanted them both to be sure, and they should get Lyor’s thoughts on it too.

“We need to talk about this more, and only after we’ve all spent some time moving on.” Those were going to be his terms, no matter what she thought. He saw her pouty lip sticking out a little and he turned her head a little so that he could kiss her softly and reassure her about why he was drawing these lines, and wanting to stress that it was nothing to do about how he felt about her. “I love you, and I don’t want you to make any decisions you might regret.”

“Why would I?” She asked, and Seth really didn’t understand what was so confusing about this. He knew that she wouldn’t necessarily regret it, but it could be the wrong timing for so many reasons and Seth didn’t want to be responsible for Kendra feeling pressured into anything. So making her see his point of view was really all that he could do. She was a lawyer, surely she would have to see the sense.

“Because you’ve gone through something awful, Ken, and that would mess with anyone’s head.” She couldn’t even deny that it had. They’d been together in that room, and he’d heard her crying in the night. It wasn’t the right time, but it could be one day and he didn’t want to rush that just because they’d all had to face their mortality. “I would love children with you, I would. But not right now. When we have children, and we’ll have a whole bunch of them, I want it to be for all the right reasons.”

“I don’t want to die alone, Seth.” It was a quiet, plaintive statement and the sincerity in it broke his heart. She had spent so much of her life alone, focusing on her career and what she wanted to happen in the future to the point that she didn’t really know how to be anything else. Kendra was never going to be alone though, not if he had anything to say about it.

“You never will, I promise. I’ll be there. One way or another, I’ll be there.” Even if something happened in the future and they ended up separating, she was one of his best friends so he didn’t imagine actually leaving her. They were always going to have a connection, even if it was only that they were going through this crazy presidency together. 

When they finally got home it ended up being that he and Kendra got dinner then just got into bed, he had hoped that a few cuddles would help convince her that they were going to get through this, and then she’d ended up falling asleep anyway. There was no way that he was waking up, and he wasn’t going to leave her alone. For all the acting she was doing that she was fine he knew she wasn’t. “Emily… can you do without us for the afternoon?”

“ _ I… what happened? _ ” The concern in Emily’s voice after she picked up was a welcome change. He stood at the gap that led through to where Kendra’s bed was and smiled a little at her sleeping form. He then stepped away a little and reminded himself to speak quietly, not wanting to wake her with this conversation. 

“Ken just didn’t handle it that well, she’s fallen asleep now and I don’t want to wake her.” Alright ‘not handling well’ was an understatement but he wasn’t going into any further detail. He didn’t know how much Emily had figured out about how Kendra was coping a week on, but Seth was pretty certain he didn’t have to say all that much for it to be obvious that she was no better than she had been on Christmas Day, not really.

There was a pause at the other end, and Seth was secretly just impressed that he didn’t hear an impatient sigh. Clearly, Emily was beginning to realise that she was just annoying people with her attitude. “ _ Alright, sure. Lyor can cover the press since I think this counts as an emergency. You both have tomorrow off too, don’t forget. _ ”

“I know, we’re taking her to see her mother. I’m hoping that that will help.” Seth was honestly looking forward to that, if only because Judith Daynes knew her daughter better even than Seth did, and that was what she needed now. Seth and Lyor had done what they could, but Kendra needed more and Seth thought that Judith was probably the answer. “Thanks for being so understanding, Em.”

“ _ I want her to get better too Seth. Have you thought about professionals, I mean… it’s been a week. _ ” He hadn’t stopped thinking about professional help, but he wanted to let Judith had a go first, and then he also wanted to see if the funeral had any effect. He was going to need back-up if these things didn’t work, but he was hopeful that they would. Still, seeing a therapist was likely in her future. If he was honest with himself, it was probably in his too. He needed help processing all this too. 

But still, for the moment he thought that it would be better for Kendra’s mindset that she try. It would only be when she wasn’t getting any results that she’d accept help. He had learnt that the hard way when she’d been trying to unclog a toilet. “I don’t think we’re there yet, but I’ve already suggested ATVA to her. After the funeral, if she’s still having these problems, we’ll call them in.”

“ _ I’ll follow your lead, you know her better than anyone. _ ” That was a relief to hear. Seth had been a little worried that Emily would try to push her timetable onto Kendra, and that wouldn’t work. Seth knew that that was just going to put her more into a corner where she wouldn’t accept anything. Knowing Emily was happy to follow him meant that that was a worry he could discard. “ _ Give her my love, yeah? _ ”

“Soon as she wakes up.” He said, ending the call as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Last he’d looked she’d been sound asleep, but she wasn’t anymore. He obviously didn’t need to tell her that they had the rest of the day off, she would have worked it out or heard the conversation, so he decided to skip over it entirely and not mention work at all. “Hey, you were asleep.”

“You got out of bed. Come join me again.” Now, that was an enticing prospect, especially having a free afternoon just the two of them. He wouldn’t deny that that was an unexpected positive to staying home today, but mostly he wanted to get her into the warmth where he didn’t have to worry about her, where he was there to keep her protected.

“You know I love you, right?” He asked as they got back into bed. The more he thought about some of the things she’d said, the more he felt he needed to tell her that, make sure she knew that she was loved. “I can’t imagine my life without you, so please don’t ever wish it was you because I never will.” He leant down to kiss her deeply, not really giving her a chance to answer. There didn’t need to be any words about this, it was what it was.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom knew that his staff, and Alex’s staff, had been coming all day, and he was going to bring Penny and Leo tomorrow, along with his mother in law and other members of their families who had made it back for the funeral. He was already dreading it, he’d had Seth helping him write a eulogy, but Tom still didn’t know what he wanted to say. He had hoped that coming here alone would give him some clarity, letting him see things that he was missing.

When they’d been asked about the casket he’d said that he wanted it closed. It was bad enough that he’d seen how badly injured she was, and that Kendra had been quite clearly traumatised by it, nobody else needed it, especially not the children. He wanted to just wrap his arms around them and protect them from all of this, but he wasn’t going to get to do that. Maybe he was also trying to protect himself, along with everyone else.

Standing at the foot of the coffin he tried to focus his thoughts, tried to settle on just one thing, but he couldn’t so he just started talking. “What am I doing here, Alex? Why did I come here?” He had originally only planned to come tomorrow with the rest of their family, but no, he wanted to come alone. “My wife is gone, you’re not here anymore.” There was a moment where he froze, where every thought, every impulse, everything he’d felt since the moment he found out Alex was dead raced through his mind and he knew, he knew that even with saying goodbye there was no peace to be had in this mind of his.

“Why did it have to be you to die?” Everyone was asking that question, but it wasn’t bringing him an answer, nobody could answer that. “Why couldn’t it be Kendra?” That was something he knew Leo was asking, and while Tom thought it as well there was one bigger question on his mind. Why it had had to be Alex with Kendra that day. “Why couldn’t it be me?” As soon as he got that out there was a roar in his chest, every moment of restrained grief just coming out at once. It made his scream at the hospital look like a child’s, and he couldn’t even begin to stop the ragged wails that escaped him. This was the breakdown he’d needed, but he couldn’t have done it if there were people around. He couldn’t have done it where he might have been heard.

So instead he allowed himself to cry it out right there, breaking down was the only thing he could do. So he stood there, leant over with his head above Alex’s and he let out all the tears and all the anguish. He could hear words coming out of his mouth but had no conscious thought of what they were. All he wanted was to feel better, and maybe this would help.


	8. Day Six

**_December 31st 2017_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

After the last couple of days the last thing she needed as they were leaving to visit her mother was both her partners bickering, but that seemed to be where she was. All this because Seth didn't get to be in the front seat. Kendra knew that this was really just their way of trying to cheer her up, and in some ways it was working, but at the same time she was getting more and more frustrated by the way they were acting now that she'd set off. “How come I’m in the back seat?” Seth complained again, despite Kendra answering it twice already.

“Because neither of you like to drive and he called shotgun first.” It was that simple, though she would admit that calling shotgun probably was not the best way to decide which of the two of them got to ride in the front. She would tend to have Lyor there, though, as he was taller. That was a way that she could use to make Seth be quiet for a few minutes anyway, or at least that's what she hoped. “You’re also shorter.”

“Ouch, Kendra. That was mean.” Seth actually did sound just a little bit hurt from it, but that wasn't going to stop her now that she had decided to wind them up just as much as they were pushing her. She didn't have anything on Lyor, yet… but she'd get there eventually. 

Instead she smirked and looked to Lyor, speaking a little conspiratorially as though Seth wasn't able to overhear them. This was too entertaining and she needed to stop. “Oooh I’m in trouble, he used my full name.” She smirked again at that, and at Lyor's little nod to show that he agreed. Neither of them used her full name all that often anymore, she wasn't used to it.

“Please don’t have Smash Mouth in the stereo.” It could have been a question, but it didn't really sound like one. It sounded like a quiet plea, but it was one that she was going to have to turn down. She had only bought the album on a dare and now she mostly kept it for annoying Seth since he had commented about her terrible taste in music more than once. 

“I plead the fifth.” She smirked then turned the stereo on and hit play. At least she was keeping it quiet, though she didn't have to if she didn't really want to. As she heard Seth's complaining grumbles she decided that it would just be easier to annoy him into agreeing with whatever she wanted. “My car, my rules.” It was a simple statement, and one that she remembered her dad having when she was younger and wanted cassettes of Disney songs on repeat. 

“I want to buy a new car just to turn all this back on you.” It was only a vague threat, she knew. Seth could drive, and he had owned a car until recently, but he didn't like to. Kendra didn't actually know if Lyor could drive, she'd certainly never seen any evidence of that. “How come you let her say this to me?” Seth's complaints had moved on from annoying to just being slightly hilarious. He also wasn't addressing her any longer.

“Would you want to fight her?” Lyor asked, and Kendra decided not to point out that she was sitting right there and could hear every word that they were saying. She thought that it would likely be easier for her to laugh at later if she just drove and listened. Besides, these conversations were often hilarious when they were at work, and she needed to know if they were equally funny when it was in private. She hadn't got to just watch the two of them interacting, as recently she'd been the centre of their attention.

The debate on whether or not it would be worth fighting with her actually managed to last all the way to her mother's, and then the three of them were distracted by being introduced to people and learning about everyone else there. Kendra was almost relieved when she got a few minutes to just sit with her mother and talk. Judith Daynes had a quality that made people listen to her, and that had always been something that worked to Kendra's advantage. “I like that tall one, he reminds me of your dad.”

“Yeah, he does have some qualities like dad.” Kendra grinned softly, watching where Seth and Lyor were silently bickering to each other. She didn't know what about, but it was familiar and they seemed to be fitting in with her odd, entirely non-biological extended family. Lyor being a little like her dad was something else that was familiar, and while at one time that would have made Kendra rethink her relationship, here it just reinforced it. “Mostly putting his foot in his mouth.”  

“That's not what we're here for though, is it?” Once again, Judith demonstrated her uncanny ability for knowing when something was wrong, and it was clear that she wasn't going to let Kendra go without getting whatever was bothering her off her chest. This was probably why Seth had been so insistent about them coming here. He had met Judith before and knew her strange and inexplainable powers. “Kendra… talk to me. I won't bite.” Clearly, she'd been silent a few seconds too long, and now she needed to think of how to talk about the situation that she was in.

“I just don’t know how to cope, mom.” That was the only thing that she could think of to start this. Normally it was easier to talk to Judith than to anyone, but getting started here was the problem. She didn't want to sound like she was breaking, but she wanted to admit that she felt that way. It was a silly predicament, really, and it was all based on pride. So she took a breath instead and just spoke about the thing that was bothering her the most. “I read the reports that I was the target of the attack that killed the First Lady and everyone just keeps giving me that look.”

“What look?” Judith asked, clearly not following Kendra's meaning. Looking around the room whenever someone other than Seth and Lyor looked at her they had the same look. The look that was full of pity, full of false understanding. People who wanted to ask her about that night but didn't want to be overt about it. 

“That look.” She nodded to a couple of people who walked past and both gave her that same sad look and nod that was driving her crazy. “The ones that look like I’m going to break if they say the wrong thing to me.” That was only really one aspect of it, but it was the one that was easiest to put into words. “I’m not going to break I just need a little help sometimes.”

Judith just pulled Kendra against her and started stroking her hair, the same way she always had when Kendra was younger and just needed reassuring. “Then you say that to them, you’ve never been this person, Ken. You gotta start standing up for yourself again.” That was easier said than done, but it was something that she wanted to move toward. As usual, her mother was right. “Are you going back to the city tonight?” 

“You don’t have space for all three of us, and I’m not going to drink anyway.” She was actually considering giving up drinking entirely for the next year. She didn't think that she'd miss it that much. Over the next couple of days she would want to, but Kendra thought it would be better for her if she didn't. “We have the funeral tomorrow and I feel like I’m going to explode from everything so it’s probably best I’m in my own bed.” Mostly because in her big bed she could keep both Seth and Lyor with her for the whole night. 

Judith seemingly wasn't actually listening to her answer, but thinking about something totally differently. Probably to do with her wanting to explode. “Kendra, what matters the most to you right now?” That was an easy question. Her eyes searched the room for Seth and Lyor, each talking to a different person, and she knew they were really trying for her, and they were the first things she thought about in a day and the last at night. 

“Seth, Lyor, my job…” The fact her job came third was going to be enough of a hint to her mother, because Kendra didn't think she'd ever put someone before her job before, and now she was putting two people first.

“Focus on them, and get help for the rest.” That was easier advice to follow. Kendra turned back to her mother just in time to see Judith's smile. “Both those men love you and I’m not going to pry into your love life since whatever is going on is clearly working for you, and for them.” That was a relief, though they'd always been a very open minded family, so Kendra actually didn't think that her mother would have that much of a problem. “Just be careful honey, and let it go. You’re not to blame for what happened, so kick ass at your job and things will blow over.”

“I love you mom.” Kendra smiled for what felt like the first time in forever and she knew that was something that she could do. If she focused on those little things she could get through everything else. “Thank you.” She stayed cuddled up with her mum for a couple of minutes then pulled away and went to rejoin the party, actually feeling a little better for the first time in over a week.

* * *

***Seth***

Coming here had been a great idea, one Seth was happy to have been pushing for. He'd known that Judith Daynes was who Kendra had needed to speak to, and he was absolutely certain that when they left here Kendra was going to be a little more in control. She was still going to need all the help that they could possibly offer her, but she may have some perspective. From Seth's experience, that's what Judith was good at giving. Not just to Kendra, but to everyone. “What do you think they’re talking about?” Lyor asked suddenly, stopping next to Seth at the buffet table and looking over to Kendra and her mother momentarily, clearly a little worried. 

“I don’t know, I just hope that Judith is knocking some sense into her.” Seth was certain that that wasn't the best way to say what he was thinking on that, but it was the only thing he could think to say. That was when he realised that he had wanted to talk about Kendra's sudden desire for a baby. Mostly because he needed to talk about it, but also because Lyor should really be a part of that decision process too. “Did she tell you she’s decided she wants us to have a baby?”

“Wait… a little human baby?” Lyor's brain almost seemed to short circuit at that, not that Seth blamed him. He remembered just over 24 hours earlier and how his brain had similarly just paused in the middle of thinking something through. He honestly still wasn't really sure about this, but he might be when he knew where Lyor was coming down on it. “Shouldn’t we get like… a dog first?”

If they got a dog there would be another funeral to go to, and one that Seth didn't actually want to have to attend, especially not any time soon. “She’s allergic to dogs, and she’s had her cat for like ten years.” Seth loved Kendra's cat too, she was wonderfully affectionate when they needed a ball of fluff, though they were all already aware of Lyor's relationship with it, and it was one of mutual loathing. 

“I hate that cat and that cat hates me.” He confirmed a second later, and Seth had to chuckle at it, trying to decide what he was going to eat, assuming everything here was vegetarian since Kendra had already sampled it all. After a few seconds of silence Lyor clearly had thought through his next question, and it was something that Seth had been asking himself all day. “Do you want a baby?”

“If it’s with her… yeah. Yeah I do.” Truthfully, Seth had always wanted a big family but until now hadn't found anyone he wanted to settle down with. Now he had two people that he could imagine going through this with, though it was at least partially about who would be the mother, and he knew that Kendra would be one of the most amazing parents ever. “I love her, man. We’ve only been together a couple of months but… I mean… you know what I mean.”

If anyone knew how Seth felt it was going to be Lyor, wasn't it? now Seth just felt silly for how gushing he was being, but it just felt like it was the right time to do that. “She’s kind of hard not to love, isn’t she?” Lyor chuckled at that, and they both looked up to see Kendra being cuddled by her mother, and it was an oddly touching sight. “If you’re looking for my permission to have a baby… go right ahead, I think it’d be interesting.”

“So, you’d be okay with adding a baby into our little arrangement?” That was a redundant question, and yet it still slipped out before he could stop himself. There was a lot of the time where he wanted to just check that everything was fine with them all, and that had seemed to lead to Seth repeating questions because he forgot who he had asked them to.

“As long as I don’t have to create the thing, I’m fine.” Lyor said then smiled and clapped him on the shoulder, which actually just made Seth a little more self conscious about how huge this conversation actually was. Was it right that all their futures was hinging on this moment? Did it matter either way? He needed to stop thinking, and maybe just start drinking.

Though, there was a bigger question that he needed to ask, and that was to see whether Lyor was as concerned that this was just a reaction to Alex's death as Seth did. “Don’t you think that it’s a little… sudden?” Seth didn't know why he felt that way, but he did and he needed to get it out. “She never mentioned it before.”

“She mentioned it constantly. The first serious discussion we ever had as a group was about me being asexual and her wanting a baby.” Now that Lyor reminded him of that, he thought about all the other times Kendra had mentioned how much she'd like a baby after all. “I don’t think this is as sudden a decision as your brain is making it out to be.”

“Maybe?” He asked, though he was still hesitating. Now he realised though that it was more about his worry than her's. She had mentioned it and some part of him had blocked it out for a reason he didn't know or understand. “Maybe I should talk to her about it?” In fact, he was pretty certain that he would have to talk to her about it, but that didn't mean that he necessarily looking forward to it.

“Maybe you two should just stop using protection and see how it goes.” Lyor teased, though that also seemed like a really good plan for how to approach this. Seth was going to have to suck it up, even if it took him the rest of the night to actually reach that point. “I don’t want to know about it until we’re actually having a baby though.” Alright, he could agree to that condition, especially if it all went to plan. It would actually be nice for them to be able to tell Lyor, or really just get to surprise him at all. So, at least he'd made his mind up. That was a start.

Getting her alone, however, was much more difficult thing than Seth had expected. It wasn’t until almost midnight that he managed to get her alone. Largely through sending Lyor to talk to her mother. “Hey. You ready to go out for the fireworks?” He asked, though he figured that Kendra might not want to go outside with that many people. He was going to let her decide. 

“You’re not setting them off, right?” She sounded a little panicked at that idea. Truthfully though, Seth would be worried if he was the one who was to be setting off the fireworks too. Luckily, that would not be something that anyone allowed him to do. He was far too clumsy for it, so he was glad that someone else was doing that.

“No, your mom’s friend is.” When she nodded he just took her hand and lead her outside, he then just wrapped his arms around her as they started to get ready to watch. This was almost the perfect place for this kind of conversation. At least for them, as it was the only place that they would entirely be alone. Resting his head on her shoulder he just spoke quietly in her ear. “Ken… about the baby. Let’s do it.”

“Wait… wait you mean… let’s try for a baby?” Kendra asked, turning her head to face him a little more. A few texts from Emily and Aaron confirmed that Kendra had indeed spoke a few times about wanting a big family. Telling her right as they were getting ready for a new year to start seemed like the perfect way to start all of this.

“Yes. I talked to Lyor and he likes the idea, so lets do it, let’s become parents.” He hoped he sounded as excited as he actually felt. There had been times in his life where he’d been told about that he didn’t show how happy he was, but Kendra understood him and she was sure that “It’s not gonna be easy but it’ll give us all something new to focus on.”

“And we’d be amazing parents.” Kendra smiled softly then kissed him. This was one of the first times that he could think of that she’d seemed truly happy since Christmas. Everything had been going so fast and Seth hoped that this was the start, and it seemed that she was at least as excited about it right now. “Next year is going to be a good one, I hope.”

“Yeah, I think so too.” He went back to holding her close, smiling as Lyor came to stand beside them. He hadn’t expected this New Year to mean anything different to him, but for some reason it did. Maybe it was that he finally had not only a stable relationship but a plan for the future, and he’d had neither of those things a year earlier. “Happy New Year, babe.”

“Happy new year, Seth.” Kendra replied quietly, then reached out to pull Lyor a little closer to them. All Seth hoped for right now was that this support system was going to be enough to help her through the worst of this survivor guilt so that maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to come out of it the same person she had always been.

* * *

***Tom***

This was the worst New Year’s Eve Tom could remember having. Though, that was probably to be expected. He’d done what jobs he’d needed to do, now it was over to those who were caring for the world overnight and would call him and Emily if there was an emergency. Almost as soon as he’d finished he’d had dinner with the kids, then he’d even managed to get Penny to sleep at around the normal time. But the later it got into the night the more he found himself wishing for the quiet drinks in their living room he and Alex had been having a year earlier. Instead he was stood at the doorway, watching Penny as she slept. “Dad, are you okay?”

“How does she sleep so well?” He asked instead, trying to ignore the question as he really didn’t know that Leo was the one that he should talk to about all of this. He was trying to just soldier on, pretend that he wasn’t slowly breaking down more with everyday, but it wasn’t that easy. The cracks were showing but Tom still wanted to try and protect Penny and Leo. “She’s always so peaceful.”

“She’s ten?” Leo said a little dismissively, clearly nowhere near as fascinated in Penny’s ability to sleep as Tom himself was. “It’s a lot easier to sleep when the biggest thing you’re worried about is school.” Alright, Leo had a point there. Penny didn’t seem to be anywhere near as upset about Alex not being around as he’d expected, but the research he’d had sent to him said that it was a much slower process.

“How are you sleeping?” Tom decided to keep deflecting the conversation from him. It was surely better parenting than actually letting Leo do what he was trying to do. Tom had a feeling that he wasn’t actually going to be able to prevent it the way that he wanted, so he slowly pulled Penny’s door shut and went through to their favoured sitting room. 

“Fine, I guess. Same as usual.” Leo was almost as good at deflecting as his father, and Tom wanted to call him out on that, but that would mean admitting that he had been lying all along, and that was exactly what Tom was trying to avoid doing. “What about you dad, are you sleeping like… at all?” Leo may be able to deflect like his father, but he was as persistent as his mother. That was the part that Tom was going to hate right now.

So instead he had to think fast for another way to distract his son, deflect from this conversation. Maybe playing it off as nothing to worry about. But when Tom looked up again he realised that his son wasn’t a little boy anymore, he was a young man and right now he was begging to be treated that way, even if it was going to put too much on him. Tom was the one who had wanted to keep him involved, and now was pushing him away. “Sometimes. When I get chance.”

“When did you last get chance?” Leo really  _ was _ just as persistent as Alex had been, and that wasn’t easy to distract. He’d hoped that being honest but non-specific would actually build him up, but it didn’t. Not in the way that Tom had been hoping anyway and now it seemed that being honest was going to make him answer questions he’d been avoiding for himself, and lying to Emily about.

“I don’t know… the other day.” That wasn’t very specific, and that wouldn’t have ever been accepted as an answer by Alex, so Tom was absolutely certain that it wasn’t going to be accepted by Leo either. He would keep pushing until Tom gave him an appropriate answer, and it was going to be something that Tom wouldn’t want to admit to.

Leo pushed, but not in the same way that Alex would have. Alex would have wanted exact dates and times. Leo instead set the time limit he wanted to know about and left it at that. “Since mom… you know?” Neither of them could say it, but they both knew what Leo meant. Since Christmas.

“Once, I think.” He didn’t actually know, but it had been a week, so he had to have had at least one night’s sleep. He had mostly been lying down to sleep and tossing and turning and only sleeping in small stretches. A few minutes to an hour, nothing like a full night. He just ended up dreaming about Alex and that was something that he both wanted to enjoy, but wanted to escape. He didn’t want Leo to worry though, so he would have to go on pretending. “I’ll be fine, Leo.”

“Dad, it’s eleven thirty on New Years Eve and you were watching Penny sleep.” As seemed to be usual with anyone carrying Kirkman genes, Leo was blunt and not letting Tom run away from the situation that they were actually in. That was what he needed, if he was honest, but that didn’t actually make him feel any better about it. “I think we’re a long way away from you being fine.” 

“You don’t need to worry about me, Leo.” He tried to say, knowing that it wasn’t going to stop Leo from worrying. Tom knew that almost everyone was worried about him at the moment, even though he wanted to keep telling them all that he was fine and that he was coping as well as could be expected. 

“Who else is gonna?” Leo shot back instantly, clearly knowing that Tom was pushing everyone who tried to get close to him or worry about him. “Mom isn’t here to, nana has her own problems and I don’t even know where Gran is right now.” 

Tom once again felt like he was putting too much onto his son, even if he wanted to treat him like a young man, it was still something that was in his mind. Leo was his son and still a teenager, he shouldn’t be having to deal with all of the fallout from this situation and yet here he was, stepping up. “You’re seventeen, Leo. This is too much for you.”

“I’m eighteen in a month, dad, and I want to do this.” Leo stepped closer and put his hands on Tom’s shoulders as if to shake some sense into him. That was something that he’d picked up from Alex too, and the stabbing pain that came with those remembrances almost stole Tom’s breath away. “I want to take care of you.”

“I’m your father, I should be taking care of you.” Tom said quietly, because there was fundamentally something wrong about the fact that Leo was the one who was taking care of Tom. It should be the other way around.

“Dad… you can’t take care of anyone right now.” It wasn’t meant to hurt, Tom knew that, but it still did. Maybe Leo had more insight into how he was coping with this than Tom had given him credit for, but it was going to be easier to just forget about that, play it off as being nothing to worry about. Get them both to their beds and sleep it off, wouldn’t that be a lovely thought?

“It’s almost midnight, we should get to bed.” Tom tried, almost forgetting that it was New Year’s Eve until Leo pointed to the countdown playing on the TV in the background. He didn’t want it to be the New Year, but time stopped for nobody, not even grieving Presidents.

“I’m staying up for the fireworks. Then we should both go to bed.” As if sensing Tom’s thoughts about his younger child, Leo just shook his head and went to pull him away from Penny’s room. “Dad, Penny will be fine on her own tonight, you need to sleep.” Those were the last words Tom heard for 2017, and he just felt the tears building behind his eyes as he went to face the fact he was starting a new year without Alex, and he needed to deal with that.


	9. Day Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friends are all going to kill me.

**_January 1st 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

She hadn’t wanted to get out of bed this morning. It was knowing that the final goodbyes would come in just a few hours that had kept her glued to the bed, but neither Seth nor Lyor had let her stay there. She had then found the blackest dress in her wardrobe, noticing that the only difference in what Seth and Lyor normally wore was black ties and long coats. She hated that, especially as she didn’t even know if she had an appropriate hat. Getting to work had been harder than she wanted to admit, but now they were here and all just waiting around to find out where in the motorcade they’d be travelling. “Kendra.” She heard Mike call over the heads of the staff, most of whom would be making their own way before the motorcade left, but were all gathering to show solidarity first.

“Yes, I’m here.” She put her hand up so that he could find her, and she felt Seth gripping her other hand a little tighter, and was hoping that he was still looking out for Lyor so the three of them could travel together. At least that was the plan. If Mike wanted her that may be put on hold. 

“There’s a request from the First Family that Miss Kirkman travels to the funeral with you and Seth.” Penny was becoming a little more dependant on her than she was comfortable with, but given the situation right now she wasn’t going to turn it down, and she wasn’t going to tell Penny that she couldn’t keep coming around. If Kendra was honest she didn’t think that Penny actually had anyone else to talk to about how she was feeling, and it also helped Kendra to feel needed.

But travelling with her to the funeral, that felt like a line she was hesitant to step across. “Oh. Not with her father?” She knew that both Penny and Leo were having issues with the President holding them at an arm’s length since Christmas, not that Leo would talk to her about it, but she knew that something must have happened this morning for this change to have been made.

“I don’t know the details other than there was a tantrum and Penny refuses to speak to her father.” Kendra’s immediate question was which of them had thrown the tantrum, but she felt that it wouldn’t exactly be a good show of loyalty to be thinking, or asking if the President’s ten-year-old was being a bigger grown up than he was, so instead she just shook it off.

“Alright, sure. Thanks, Mike.” She smiled as he headed back the way she came then turned back to Seth. She knew the three of them had been looking forward to getting to travel together and be out of the view of everyone else for a little while, but it seemed like that had been ended by a child with some small attachment issues. “Apparently Penny is travelling with us.” She just said, knowing immediately what Seth’s reaction would be.

“What about Lyor?” She wasn’t disappointed. That had been how she had expected for him to respond. They could always have all travelled together, but that wouldn’t be happening either if Kendra was going to be babysitting Penny all day. Hopefully, during or after the funeral she would be able to convince Penny to go back to her father and give Kendra a break.

Lyor, though, would be fine travelling with their other friends. “He’ll have to jump in with Aaron and Emily.” Seth pouted at that response, and Kendra just had to wonder if he’d thought this through fully. There were some days when you just couldn’t turn down a child, and Kendra was pretty sure the day of their mother’s funeral was one of them. “Do you  _ really _ want to say no to Penny Kirkman. Today?”

“You tell Lyor.” Seth continued pouting, making his displeasure at this arrangement clear. Kendra was about to offer to get the car with Emily instead and she’d meet them at the Cathedral, but she knew that he was just dreading today as much as she was. Neither of them really wanted to be doing this, but it wasn’t something they could change. Unless one of them suddenly learnt how to turn back time and change the past. 

So instead she just took a breath and knew that Lyor would understand about Penny. “I will, he’ll understand, and he’ll still be sat with us in the cathedral.” Kendra had a feeling she was going to be sandwiched between the two of them to try and protect her some from the press and other prying eyes. She was a person of interest to a great many people all of a sudden, and she wasn’t enjoying it.

“How are you doing?” Seth changed his tone and squeezed her hand softly. It was nice that he was trying to be private even in such a public setting, and while she didn’t want to tell him how she was really feeling she also just wanted to get it out before it ate her apart.

“Trying to pretend that I’m not a second away from falling apart.” She said it quietly, hoping that nobody else was going to overhear this conversation. “It would be easier if the press weren’t so interested in me.” That was something that was beginning to really play on her mind and now that she’d started she couldn’t stop. “And it’s not that they’re concerned, no. It’s more that I’m this little spectacle of the woman who should have died.”

“Ken.” She knew that Seth was going to try and convince her that that wasn’t what people were thinking, but it wasn’t something that he could hide from her, not really. It had been everywhere, and there were plenty of pictures all over the internet, and articles popped up on her Facebook feed pretty much every day. She was trying to block them all out, but it didn’t work that easily.

“Don’t try to deny it, Seth. I see what they’ve written about me.” She just shook her head and reached out to squeeze his arm. He seemed to just be worrying about her, and it was really very sweet but she wanted him to think about other things than just how she was coping. “Don’t worry about it though, I’ll stay with you when I can.”

“Kendra!” She heard shouted, and she had to suppress an internal sigh. She did love the youngest member of the Kirkman family, but it was hard work to keep up with her, especially when Kendra wasn’t exactly feeling at her best at the moment. 

But when she looked down she realised that they were going to have a much bigger problem if the press saw what she was dressed in. There was no way that anyone in any kind of position of oversight had signed off on this bright pink dress, and Kendra had a feeling it was going to be her job to get Penny ready. “Hey, Little Pea, who got you dressed.”

“I did!” Penny seemed so proud of herself and so happy with what she was wearing. But Kendra wasn’t inexperienced and Seth’s silently horrified face was telling her that there would be the exact kind of political nightmare that Seth was imagining. “Don’t you like it?”

“It’s lovely but not right for today.” She would explain more on their way back up to the residence so that Kendra could get her changed. She also thought that it was possibly going to be a good idea that she made sure Penny actually had underwear on, if she was anything like Kendra had been at that age, anyway. “Mike, do we have time to go get her changed?”

“Yeah, if you run.” That was a sign for Kendra that she did not have long enough to argue, so she just asked for Seth to wait for her and she went to get Penny changed again. Anything to make sure that Penny was in a black dress, and that may have meant her making some deals that she was one day going to regret. It was important though, and the way Kendra looked at it, she might be able to trade them all in one day.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth hated that he couldn’t hold Kendra for the most part, and on another that he couldn’t also use Lyor for comfort. Of the three of them, Lyor was the only one that seemed to be actually holding it together as they stood here. He had agreed to be a pallbearer though, and that meant that Kendra had to go in first. Not that she actually had time to focus on anyone. Since Penny Kirkman had joined them, that was who Kendra had been focusing on. For what it was worth, that seemed to be distracting her from how she’d been in the White House Foyer, though he should have known that she had actually seen the press articles about her. 

He squeezed her hand gently as she fell into step with Emily behind them, the first ones in after them. Penny stood in front of Kendra, Kendra’s hands on her shoulders. It was as she wiped her eyes a little that Seth was hit by how unfair this all was. Not just for the Kirkman family but for all of them. Alex hadn’t deserved this, and they shouldn’t be here. “Are you all ready.” The question distracted him, and he just nodded, stepping next to the casket and lifting it just as they’d all been shown. 

A song he didn’t know was playing as they entered the Cathedral. Seth remembered Emily telling him about this, entering the church and at the graveside, there was another of Alex’s favourite songs. Otherwise, it was all just hymns that he wasn’t going to know the words to. He was just going to follow Kendra’s lead, she was Catholic, she’d know. As the words to the song struck up he remembered Emily mentioning that it was a band from Ireland and a song that the President had once sung to her when she was pregnant. Clare Island. The lyrics were about going to meet someone and forget the cares of the world, it seemed oddly appropriate.

The more steps he took the more it hurt to face what was actually happening. Seth didn’t realise that he’d been living in denial as much as Kendra had been, maybe focusing on her had been his way of pretending that he wouldn’t have to think about the fact that he’d lost a friend here too. There was a sudden stabbing pain with every step he took, and he felt the tears welling up even further. When they reached the table to set Alex on they all lowered her carefully, he looked up to see Kendra, Emily and Penny waiting for them to file into their rows, all three crying as hard as Seth felt he was too.

The service was more of a whirlwind than he had expected, or maybe his sheer inability to follow it was making it seem like it was going by quickly. He had Kendra and Lyor either side of him, and that was a little comforting. He could hear Kendra’s sniffs every few seconds, and after a while, he wanted to make sure that she was doing as well as she’d been pretending. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay, though Penny’s butt is digging in to my legs. I can’t feel my feet.” Seth smiled a little at the idea that that was what was bothering Kendra most and just put his hand on Penny’s back gently. Glancing forward he saw that the little girl did have a hand on her father’s shoulder sat in the pew in front of her. Not that that was going to be that much relief for Kendra’s poor legs. 

“She’s not getting off, huh?” He asked, still staying quiet as the bishop or the cardinal or the whoever it was giving the ceremony continued to drone on. It was clear that even Kendra was beginning to lose interest, and she’d been attending mass her entire life. Even now she tried to go every Sunday when she wasn’t working. He’d never been with her, and suddenly he thought that maybe that was something that they should do. 

“Nope.” She replied equally quietly then leant to him and whispered in a little more urgent tone. “Pay attention.” Well, he’d been told. Maybe she wasn’t losing as much interest as he thought. Or maybe she was just taught to respect services like this and she didn’t like that he wasn’t. It just wasn’t something that he was finding easy to make it through.

Seth, like most, stayed sat while Kendra went for communion, though that had required Kendra talking Penny into sitting on Seth’s knee until she returned. That was when Seth learnt that Kendra hadn’t been joking. For a small person, Penny quickly cut off your circulation if she was in slightly the wrong position. Then they were called to take the casket out again, and he had to wait around. 

Almost as soon as she was outside though, Penny walked with Kendra then as soon as she saw her father dropped Kendra’s hand. “Daddy.” They all heard the shout, and Seth was fairly sure that they all split into identical smiles. Happy that Penny had decided to return to her father. Especially since he knew the entire staff was worried about what that would have done to the President. 

“I think I’m free,” Kendra said, stopping with the rest of the senior staff, and Seth’s eyes just followed where Penny ran and threw herself at her father. They were to wait for people to get back to their cars, then the motorcade would leave for the cemetery. Then the last part of this horrible day would be done with and they could all go back to the White House. There was going to be a reception for everyone, then a more private gathering for senior staff later on. Where they could be together in private and grieve like that. Seth was honestly looking forward to being out of the glare of the public because they all needed to accept that they lost someone important. As they started walking away he couldn’t help but wrap an arm around Kendra’s shoulders and hold her close until they got back to their car. 

* * *

***Tom***

The service had been more brutal than he’d expected for it to be, but in a way, he was more angry at himself that he still hadn’t managed to shed a tear in public. That’s what people would be expecting now. He didn’t want for them to be expecting anything because he wasn’t going to be able to live up to it. He wasn’t going to be able to live up to anything that they wanted right now.

All the eyes on him as he walked around wasn’t helping. Feeling them watching him as they arrived at the cemetery was all just adding to his strange sudden anxiety, and his inability to actually show how broken he felt. He needed to continue being strong for all these people, but he didn’t know if he could do that. He wasn’t strong, not like they thought he was.

Maybe he was just imagining all of this, though. Nobody had said that to him, in fact, most people had told him that it was alright for him to break. That they would have if they’d lost their spouse. It would only be worse if any of the people he cared about lost anyone they loved, because how would he be able to comfort them. 

He zoned out a little as he listened to another speech about how Alex was a wonderful person, and he then listened to Eva giving her eulogy, he had given his back at the Cathedral, but he didn’t really hear the words. All he could focus on was Alex’s casket balancing on the wooden planks in preparation for being lowered into that hole. He had to remember to place a reservation on the plot beside her. 

When the music started and everyone pulled back a little he finally felt the tears coming, he had one hand on Penny’s shoulder and the other on Leo’s back. Trying to take strength from his children, even though there was a part of him that thought that it was the wrong way around. They were a part of Alex too, and he needed them to show him that she wasn’t truly gone.

He was the first to throw a white rose into the grave on top of the casket. Penny and Leo both following suit, then his senior staff. There was a second where he wanted to yell at Kendra that she didn’t have the right, but he managed to hold himself in check. When they were all done people slowly drifted away until only the three Kirkman’s and their secret service details were standing there. When he looked down he could see the senior staff at their car. Both Emily and Kendra appeared to be crying, but Tom couldn’t spare a thought for them, or that they couldn’t leave until he did.

“Leo, take your sister back to the car,” Tom said quietly, not wanting them to see him taking this step toward breaking down. When Penny gave him a worried glance he knew he’d need to say something reassuring. “I’ll be along soon.” Was that all? He didn’t think it would be enough, but he had nothing more to give. “Mike, can you give me a minute alone?” It was a simple request and one that he couldn’t see being refused. He just wanted a few minutes with Alex. Just a few minutes where he could talk without having to worry about who would overhear him. 

As everyone backed away he dropped to his knees in the snow, not caring about getting cold and wet. There was a part of him that thought about climbing down with her, but he knew that was a ridiculous idea. “I am fed up with doing what people expect me to, Alex.” He said quietly, not wanting anyone to overhear his private anguish. “I’m fed up with them expecting me to grieve how they want.” That was part of the biggest problem he had right now.

“I sent them all away for a moment. Just so I could say this...” He trailed off, at first not sure exactly what he wanted to say but he had thought these words over and over and over again for the last week and now he just needed to say them. He needed to get it out. “I hate you for not being here… and I hate myself even more for not being able to cope.” The tears were falling thick and fast now, and he hoped that there was no camera around, but he wouldn’t really mind if there was.

“I know I need to forgive them. Mike, Kendra, John… all three were doing their jobs… and yet I can’t stop hating them.” This was the first time he’d said that because he hadn’t wanted to admit it even to himself before. He hadn’t wanted to say that he hated three people he respected, two of them he even considered friends. But he did, and that was the worst part of this.

“You’d be so mad at me for that.” He knew him well enough to know that she would tell him that he was being an asshole, they were all professionals and what had happened to her was Shawn Brown who had done it, but he couldn't seem to stop blaming the others. “But that’s another expectation I’m just going to have to fall short on, Alex. I’m sorry.” He said quietly, blowing her a kiss then standing up. He didn’t want to think about what world he was going into when he stepped away from here. He was never going to be the same again, but he couldn’t change time and this was what he had to face now. A live without her.


	10. Day Eight

**_January 2nd, 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Today was just not going to plan and literally everything was pushing Kendra slightly closer to a small mental breakdown. She was jittery, nervous and she kept wanting to burst into tears. None of which were particularly helpful for the senior White House Counsel. Nothing was back in motion after the New Year and the Funeral yet, so she didn't have that much to do but what she had was enough, and Emily trailing her through the White House asking inane questions wasn't helping at all. Once she reached her office, and Emily followed her in, she closed the door and just said the first thing that came into her mind. “I can’t do this right now. I just, I can’t.”

“Kendra?” Emily stopped, and that was the moment that Kendra realised she hadn't had a clue what Emily was talking about to begin with. She had been following twenty minutes ago, when the conversation had started, but then somewhere in the middle she'd gotten lost and now she wasn't even going to pretend that she had a clue. So instead she was going to focus on what she could talk about, and that was what she needed. 

“Emily… I’m your counsel and that’s not going to change but…” How the hell did she phrase exactly what she needed and wanted? Truthfully she didn't know for sure, but she knew that being one of the most powerful people on the planet was not conducive to healing from trauma. She honestly had no idea how the president was managing as well as he was, though she would admit that she hadn't been alone with him much since Christmas. “Can I be excluded from senior staff for a while?”

“I… sure.” Clearly at first Emily's instinct had been to argue with her, try to convince her that she was too important to step down. That was the Emily that Kendra had been expecting. “We’ll come to you when we need legal opinions but unless you’re needed we'll let you alone.” That was exactly what Kendra needed. She needed to not feel like lives were depending on her, if only for a few days. “You still struggling?” That was a more sensitive question, but given their recent frosty relationship, she didn't think she wanted to be truly and completely honest.

“I still haven’t really slept and I just…” She wanted to give another reason without saying exactly why she wasn't ready for what she was having to do right now. She wanted so much more but her emotions weren't there yet, and they were the ones calling the shots at the moment, and her emotions really needed her to avoid the president at all costs. “Every time I look at the President I remember that it should have been me, my partners should be the ones mourning, and it hurts to know that I'm not.”

“Alright, I understand. I can only really spare you for a few days though.” Emily was clearly trying to bend over the best that she could, and Kendra knew that she was putting her in an awkward position, but Kendra just didn't know what else to do to try and make herself pick up. It wasn't something she thought that she could do while doing this job. “You're an indispensable part of our team, Ken, and we need you.” It was a plaintive plea and something that Kendra should have been above falling for, and yet here she was, falling for it.

“Just a week, one week. I’ll work on pulling myself together.” That was the minimum she'd need, and if she was going to try and get better in a week she was going to need some professional help. Even if it was only for her to talk through what it was in her job that was stressing her out the most. It wasn't what she wanted to talk about, but it was the biggest thing right now other than the accident that was affecting her mental health.

“Okay, we can do that.” Emily nodded, reaching out to squeeze Kendra's arm. She then launched back into the spiel she'd been saying before they reached the office. Maybe this time Kendra would be able to follow it, but she wasn't going to bet on it. It didn't seem like it was something that really needed to be discussed with legal, so she didn't feel that guilty about zoning out on it.

Kendra's level of relief when Emily finally left about ten minutes later was high, and she just put her head down on her desk for a few seconds. Taking a few steadying breaths trying to centre herself again. Being alone made that a little easier, even though she hated it. If she let her mind wander for too long she ended up thinking a little too much and that ended badly for her too. Eventually, she went back to doing her work, and almost as soon as she did that there was a knock at her door and Seth walked in. “Emily told me you stepped down from Senior Staff?”

“Only temporarily, Seth. I’ll be back in a week.” Of course, Emily would have made it sound much worse than it actually was. She knew he'd be upset she didn't talk about it with him and Lyor, but she had been surprised by asking for that too. It wasn't something she planned to say, it had just happened. But more than that, her realisation that Seth had been right about her needing help all along would take his mind off that. “Look… I think you’re right. I think I need help. Professional help.”

“Really?” Sure enough, he had almost entirely been distracted from being annoyed with her for doing something so impulsive. It wasn’t like her, it wasn’t really like any of them if she was honest with herself. It was time that she started putting herself first, for once. She’d never exactly been good at doing that, and she hoped that this was going to be the start of her actually getting better. Taking control was surely going to be something that would only help with her recovery.

She paused knowing that Seth wasn’t the only one to mention it, though Seth had been the one who said he’d help her find on that would fit her. “You and mom and Lyor and… well everybody have said it and you’re all right. I need to learn to process the guilt and remember it wasn’t my fault.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, just because some crazy guy targeted you…” Seth started, clearly thinking that she was starting to doubt that again. She wasn’t, logically she knew that it wasn’t her fault, though sometimes it was harder to tell herself that. That was why she couldn’t be anywhere near the President until she’d figured all of this out for herself.

“Baby I know, I know.” She stepped closer to him, putting her hands on his chest and smiled before lifting one hand to stroke his cheek. They tried not to be like this at work, it was too much risk that someone would see them, but the entire White House knew about them by this point so she was slightly less concerned than she had been previously. “You told me you knew a guy at ATVA?”

“I do. Want me to call him?” Seth didn’t even pause before offering that, and that just made her smile again and let him pull her close. It was going to be interesting, talking about all of this without either being cuddled into his side or into Lyor’s, but she needed to start learning how to do that too.

“Yes, please. Ask when his first appointment is?” She was well aware that it might not actually be in the week that she had, but possibly just knowing that she had it coming was going to be enough. “I don’t want to take him away from his regular clients.” She knew that there were a lot of people who needed help a lot more than she did, but that wasn’t going to stop her from reaching out for it when she could.

“If it’s not for a while?” Seth clearly worried too, and she felt his concern for her in everything that he had done. She didn’t know what she’d done in her life that had brought him and Lyor into her life, but she was very thankful to her past self for it. 

“I’ll go and see my mother again. I need to start moving on.” How had this one conversation with Emily been such a trigger? She didn’t understand, but she was there now. “Seth… Thank you for being amazing through all of this.” She hadn’t had the chance to say it this clearly, especially since she knew that he had had his own grief to try and work through at the same time. Yet he’d still just focused on her when she’d been breaking down. “You have really gone above and beyond and I love you so much for everything.”

“You’re not alone Ken. You always have me and Lyor and… well everyone else too, and your enormous and slightly weird extended family.” Kendra snorted at that, making it even more amusing when Seth came closer for another stolen kiss. “I love you, I’ll see you later, yeah?” It didn’t escape Kendra that this was the first time they’d been quite so casual telling each other that they loved each other, and she realised she liked how that sounded when they weren’t saying it in the midst of one or the other crying. It was something that mattered to her, and it was also the one thing that told her that she was going to be able to make it through. She had the most amazing support system, two amazing partners, and it was time she started using that to her advantage.

* * *

***Seth***

He would never pretend that he hadn’t enjoyed a short make-out session in Kendra’s office, but she was so good at distracting him when he was mad that he often left her office completely forgetting why he was mad. Knowing that what had happened had pushed her to realising that she needed help was enough for that, and he just dug out the number from the bottom of his drawer and hoped his friend still has his clinic. He was so thankful when Nick answered the phone a moment later and he knew that calling in this favour would raise some questions. “Hey, Nick.”

“ _ Seth, long time no speak. How is everything going in the White House? _ ” 

How did Nick Bethertonson always sound so damn cheerful? No matter what was happening in the world Nick always sounded like he’d just gotten back from a two-week cruise and was feeling totally at ease with himself. When they were younger Seth had always envied that carefreeness, now he just found it mildly annoying. “Well, we had the First Lady’s funeral yesterday, so it’s not great.” He refused to dress up the mood in the White House, it wasn’t that kind of thing. He’d dress it up for the Press all he could, but to people who may possibly need to know about outside influences on the mood of someone, it wasn’t worth lying. 

“ _ You’re not calling me because you need therapy, are you. Because you’re beyond what I can help with. _ ” 

As always, mocking Seth was a hobby of all the friends he had who didn’t work in politics. He’d been the most serious one in all his friendship groups, and this one was no different, though if it worked for him right now he’d take it. “Haha, very funny. Not me.” Seth snapped sarcastically but tried to play it off as a joke too. Adding a light chuckle to the end of his comment and hoping that that was enough to save him before calling in this favour he was owed. “I’m actually ringing to see if you have space to fit Kendra Daynes in.”

“ _ The White House Counsel? Wasn’t she the target? _ ”

“Yes, and she has pretty serious survivor guilt.” That was what Seth thought it was anyway. He wasn’t a psychologist, there could be other things at play, but he didn’t think that that was the case and even if it was, it wouldn’t really matter to him unless Kendra decided to tell him what was going on. “I’m calling in that favour.”

“ _ Seth… this is a pretty big favour to call in. Are you sure? _ ”

He had been expecting that question, and the answer was surprisingly simple. He could have spoken about how much she was valued here, how much the President and the staff, but it was much, much more simple to just tell him the real reason, and that was how he felt about her. “I love her, Nick.”

“ _ So the rumours are true, huh? I’m actually booked up this week… but I can fit her in on Saturday morning. Since it’s a favour. _ ”

“Thanks. I’ll tell her.” He replied, and looked up to a knock on the door as Lyor stuck his head around. Seth actually didn’t mind that he’d come in for this conversation because he’d be finding out eventually. Lyor looked exhausted though, and Seth wondered when he’d last had a good night’s sleep. Seth was almost distracted by that when he heard Nick speak again.

“ _ Is this gonna be an in-home appointment? Since my office won’t be open. _ ”

“Yeah. I’ll text you her address. Bye.” He hung up then smiled, sitting back and putting his feet up on the desk as Lyor leant on one side looking at him. There was clearly something on the other man’s mind, and momentarily Seth was really worried about what it was, so he approached the question carefully. “What’s up?”

“I need a break from Kendra, just for one night,” Lyor said that with such a tone of self-disappointment that Seth just wanted to tell him that it was fine, that it was never a big deal when any of them wanted space. “Mostly I need to sleep properly.” That was obvious, and Seth had to admit that he was coping much better with Kendra’s recent insomnia than Lyor was.

“Stay at your apartment for tonight man, I’ll be with her,” Seth assured him with a smile, trying to show that there were no hard feelings about anything. Sometimes Seth needed a break from both the other two, though he would admit that was rare. He was quite a needy person, and he liked to know that the person, or people, he was with wanted him around. Kendra was a challenge right now as she dealt with all of this, and Lyor was not the best at emotions. “I know she’s not the easiest to be around right now.”

“Tell her I’m working late or something, I don’t want to upset her or make her feel even more guilty. I’m trying to work on that.” Seth smiled at the thoughtfulness of that, but Kendra knew better. They probably just wouldn’t mention it past saying Lyor was staying home. In some ways, it could benefit Seth, as when Lyor wasn’t there they were freer to do other things too. “I’m just so tired, and you two are better at the emotional parts. Plus, Seth you could sleep through a nuclear blast. Tell her I love her and I’ll see her tomorrow.”

Seth remembered at that moment that Lyor may not yet know about Kendra’s decision to step back from Senior Staff, and that would possibly make it a little more difficult than he expected to track Kendra down, or for their paths to cross. “You might not, she’s stepped back from Senior Staff to sort herself out.”

“I’ll still see her tomorrow,” Lyor said confidently, and after another second Seth understood what he meant. No matter what, they would see each other the next day and it would probably lead to Seth cooking while Lyor and Kendra got to cuddle on the couch for a while. He didn’t mind that though, sometimes it was needed.

“Ah. I’ll tell her. We should get lunch.” It wasn’t really a suggestion, as they did that almost every day anyway, but Seth just wanted to say it out loud. It was going to be an interesting few days, but Seth wanted to know there was a future coming where they wouldn’t be under this constant cloud. He had to believe that was coming, he just had to.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had just been hoping for a calm day, and most of it had been. He’d been able to talk about colleges and majors with Leo, he’d done some official business with the morning briefing, and at that point, it had seemed to be going quite well. Then he’d been planning on having an afternoon with Penny, and while it had started out well, she had quickly started rebelling, and Tom knew that it was because she missed her mother. Now all he had wanted was for her to do a drawing for her grandmother, and when she’d refused that he wanted her to clean up. That was where they’d been now for twenty minutes. “No!”

“Little Pea, you can’t keep doing this.” He wondered where his little daddy’s girl had disappeared too. In 8 days he felt like he’d lost so much more than just Alex, he was worried that he had lost Penny too. She didn’t want to talk to him, but he knew that she was talking to Leo, or preferably for Penny was to go and speak to Kendra. Which was still a sore spot for both him and Leo. Though they both knew that they shouldn’t be blaming her, he knew they both did still.

“I don’t want to.” Penny yelped, but she grabbed her things up and pushed them all into the backpack she carried her art supplies around in. It maybe wasn’t cleaned up the way he’d wanted originally, but it wasn’t all over the top anymore. Penny didn’t seem to see the irony in still fighting after this point. “You can’t make me. I want mommy.” 

That stung, of course, she wanted her mommy. Tom wanted her mom too, but he knew that telling her it would get easier was just a lie that they would both regret before too long. She was a smart kid, and she knew what all of this meant, so he had a feeling that being honest with her, that he wanted Alex too, was really just going to be something that possibly started a dialogue. “We… we both want mommy but she can’t be here Pen.”

“I know but I still want her.” Penny pouted, though she was at least not shouting back at him anymore. That was an improvement for the moment, though it made him guiltier knowing that she was struggling and that he didn’t actually know how to approach her about how she was feeling. 

He was about to start talking again when there was a cough from behind him and he remembered that he’d told Emily to come up for a chat when she got chance. He did need to know what was going on, but this wasn’t the best time. If there was to be a breakthrough it would be here. “Want me to come back later?” Emily asked, frozen on the threshold.

“I’m going to go talk to Leo. He doesn’t shout at me.” Penny said before Tom could actually speak, and that left Tom just staring at the spot where his daughter had been stood. Tom needed to try and work out himself what was going on in his mind so that he could talk to Penny about everything, but he didn’t know how right now. Like everything else, he’d just have to work it out.

“Come in, Emily.” He ended up sighing, deciding that leaving Penny to go and speak to Leo might make her more likely to talk to him later. This distance was killing him, but he needed to think about the country. He was still the President of the country, even while he was having family issues. “We’re just having some teething problems.” He hoped that that would be enough of an explanation because in truth he didn’t actually want to get into it.

“Still not used to not having Alex around?” Emily asked, and that was exactly what he hadn’t wanted to get int. It was only natural that his staff were worried about him, they had become as much his family as anyone else was, and they probably could be the ones to help him right now, but he didn’t know how to let them in to the private hell that he was facing, and he didn’t want to have anyone else incur Penny’s wrath when she went on the warpath.

“No, and I’m having some issues with Penny.” He just motioned off in the direction his daughter had gone and shook his head. Having a child this young in the White House was always going to be a challenge, and that was when he’d had Alex here to help him. Without her, it was a much more difficult prospect and one that he really wasn’t relishing.

Emily, on the other hand, allowed herself to look a little amused. Probably thinking that this was just one of the normal things that kids and their parents ended up having issues over. At least that would have made sense, only right now Tom didn’t think Penny could be having a much more different upbringing. “I could see that. What did she want to do?” As he wracked his brains he didn’t remember, he knew that he had wanted her to clean up, but that was as far back as his memory was letting him go today.

“I honestly don’t even remember.” He brushed it off, listening to that alarm bell in his psyche that told him pushing any further would be a bad idea for pretty much everyone involved. So instead he refocused onto why Emily was here. “Anyway, I just wanted to bring you up here to talk about how well you and the Senior Staff have coped in my absence.”

“Thank you, sir. We’ve all pulled together and kept the country running.” The did deserve thanks, even when he was getting angry with everyone, threatening to do things to those who annoyed him or just silently sitting through meetings, communicating only with grunts - they had managed to keep everything going and nobody had blown up China or something when he hadn’t been looking. “I think our enemies know not to mess with us right now.”

“I’m hoping so.” He said honestly, and for his presidency, it had seemed to be a quiet week. But now that it had been a week he knew he couldn’t keep just depending on the staff to keep it all going. “I’ll be starting a phased return to full participation later this week. Penny and Leo are going back to school, though Penny will only be doing half days for a couple of weeks.” It was going to be more difficult for her than for Leo, so Tom had given Leo the choice. He wanted to be around his friends. “I don’t want to overwhelm her, so I’ll be in the office in the mornings, while she’s at school.”

“That’s a good thing, sir. Getting back to normal.” Something about Emily calling it ‘normal’ annoyed him, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe it was that ‘normal’ would mean that there was some measure of acceptance going on, and Tom wasn’t sure he would ever be able to accept another about this situation. “I’m sure things will ease up as we all get more used to this.”

“I don’t want to get used to it. I would like to pretend that Alex is just away and she’ll be back one day… but that isn’t going to happen and I have to try and accept that.” There it was, his attempt at being open with his feelings. He didn’t think that it worked that well and before Emily could actually say anything in response he moved back to a safer topic, the White House. “Is there anything going on that I should know about?”

“No sir,” Emily said, then she suddenly paused and tilted her head in a way that made him think she had been considering not telling him something. “Well… Kendra has stepped back from senior staff duties for a week. She’s still struggling and wants some time to get her head together.” 

The white-hot rage that shot through him whenever Kendra’s name was mentioned appeared again, but this time it didn’t fade as quickly as it had before and he snapped before he could stop himself. “Put her on full leave.”

“She didn’t… request that sir.” Emily said falteringly. Tom didn’t really care what Kendra had requested. If she wanted to take a step back she might as well have some time off, whether that was what she wanted or not. Anything that would keep her away for a while was a good thing, in his mind. 

“I don’t care. If she needs time give her time. Two weeks.” He knew this was the anger talking now, and that he really should try reining it in but now he was letting it out it felt good. It felt really good. It was the first release he felt like he’d had in a long time, since long before Alex had died, and he didn’t really want to end that now it had begun.

“Sir I can’t spare her that long. I need her in the White House.” Emily stood up to him, and for some reason, Tom hadn’t actually been expecting that. On anything else, he’d told her she would have just quietly stepped away and found a way to do what he asked. Here though she was pushing back and Tom wasn’t really sure how to take that. “You need her in the White House.”

“I don’t need her.” The instinctual reaction was to deny it, but Tom Kirkman wasn’t a fool. He knew that legal representation for the White House had been scattered at best before he’d brought Kendra Daynes on board, and she had made the White House a formidable opponent and almost impossible to beat. 

“Yes sir, you do.” Emily kept pushing and he knew, he knew that but he still didn’t want to admit it so he just stayed seething silently. “You know you do, we all know you do. But you’re angry she lived and your wife didn’t, so you’re trying to punish her.” Did she really have to lay it all out like that? He didn’t like that he was that transparent to her in his motivations right now, but he couldn’t help it. He still wasn’t going to admit to it.

“I’m not trying to punish anyone.” He lied. It was a lie and he hated to lie, but he still did it because he didn’t want to admit Emily was right. “If she needs time, give her time. Hell, let her fix herself any way she wants.” Now it was a bitter tirade, but he still couldn’t stop himself. “Not all of us can run away from the consequences.”

“Nobody is running away, sir. She and I agreed to a week, so I will send her on leave for a week and when that week is up you can get used to working with her.” He felt like he was being scolded, and maybe that was what he needed, but he still didn’t like it. Before he could say anything further Emily put a swift stop to it. “I have a meeting with Aaron, sir. Is there anything else?” Emily wasn’t giving him a choice, and so he decided to nod and wave her off, deciding that bitter silence was going to be an easier way to work himself down again from this than continuing to argue with her. He just didn’t want Kendra Daynes to get over this more easily than him. 


	11. Day Nine

**_January 3rd 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had barely put her coat and bag down when she heard Emily rushing into her office. Mentally Kendra started preparing herself for being dragged to senior staff for a reason that wasn’t real, and she wasn’t sure that she was ready for that. She just wanted to get on with work and have lunch with Lyor. One night was not enough for her to put her mind straight, even if Seth had made sure to exhaust her. Instead though, Emily looked mildly panic-stricken. “Damn, damn, damn. I guess you didn’t get my message. You need to not be here.” 

“What, why?” Kendra froze, still wearing her scarf. Whatever had happened it didn’t sound good. She hadn’t checked her messages last night, since she and Seth had been busy and by the time she’d gotten up she realised that she’d be seeing everyone in not very long so she had assumed that she could deal with everything when she got here. If it was truly urgent they would have called Seth, he was always with her, so she was even more confused.

“Remember yesterday when you asked if you could take a step back?” Emily asked, and Kendra narrowed her eyes, starting to wonder if she was on candid camera or something similar. That wasn’t something she was likely to forget in a million years, and it had only been 24 hours. She remembered 15 years of legal arguments, and suddenly felt like Emily was severely underestimating her memory.

“Yeah… it was  _ yesterday _ .” The sarcasm crept in, no matter how hard she tried not to let it. Kendra was often sarcastic as a defence mechanism, and this was definitely one of the situations where that came to the fore. She didn’t at all understand Emily’s attitude and that was putting her on edge, never a comfortable position for her.

“Well I spoke to the President and he  _ lost it _ . You know in that way he only seems to lose it with you… well, and Mike and John Forstell.” That really didn’t make Kendra feel any better. In fact it lead to a feeling of dread washing over her as she ran through what she, Mike and Forstell had in common. When she joined those dots she was even more upset, though she wasn’t going to show it, not here.

“The people he blames for Alex’s death.” She heard how high pitched her voice got, so she coughed and swallowed, hoping that she could start her next comment off not sounding quite as upset as she actually was. “Right, so…?” She said quietly, hoping that that would prompt Emily to carry on rather than let Kendra keep thinking.

“So… I said I’d put you on leave. I’m sorry, Ken I really, really tried to fight for you but…” Emily didn’t need to finish that. The President had made up his mind. Maybe she should be happy that he hadn’t fired her, or put her on a long-term leave. At least, she hoped he hadn’t put her on a long-term leave. He blamed her, and she was the easiest target of the three he blamed.

“He’s hurt, I know.” She finished, not what Emily had been planning on saying, but that was how Kendra was going to finish it. “Alright, I’ll go home. I can’t do that much though since everything I was meant to be working on is classified so it can’t leave the building.” That was not going to be easy, as some of it was actually work that needed doing.

Emily paused and trailed off for a few minutes thinking. Kendra herself was just wondering what she could pass on to the assistants. “If I set Lyor up with your files and you skyped him from home could you talk him through it?” That was an interesting question. Lyor wasn’t the worst one to be teamed up with to do it. 

“I guess… but what if something has to go to court, Em? Lyor isn’t in the bar, he can’t represent.” That was going to be her biggest worry. As far as she knew there was actually nobody else currently serving in the West Wing who was actually in the bar, and she was not letting her cases be handled by the incompetents that they had outsourced to before she was brought aboard.

“Then… then I’ll think of something, okay?” Emily sounded slightly like she was beginning to unspool too, so Kendra decided that it wasn’t going to be worth pursuing that right now. “It’s only for a week and then you’ll be back and hopefully by then the President will have lightened up.” The flat stare that Kendra gave her was all she could think of in response. She didn’t know if she was holding out hope that by the following Monday Tom Kirkman would have gotten over the chips on both his shoulders. “I know, I know… wishful thinking.”

“You know, Em. You swing wildly from teenage gossip to psycho bitch at the moment… I might not be the only one who needs to take a break.” It was something that Kendra had noticed not only in her own dealings with the chief of staff but also in observing her with the others. She was beginning to worry about Emily unspooling along with the President. If that happened they really were in trouble.

“I’ll take a break when… when I get a chance.” That was not the answer that Kendra had been hoping for, but Kendra realised that Emily was doing her duty. She was putting the country and the Presidency first. That was what they all should be doing, and so Kendra would go. She served when wanted, and clearly at this moment she was not wanted. She didn’t really want to be at home either.

“Alright, sure. I’m going home then.” There was a resignation in her attitude that clearly came through in her voice as she spoke. She had never actually gotten her scarf off, so she just pulled her coat back on and picked her handbag and gloves back up. “This wasn’t what I wanted, Em. Tell Lyor I’ll be home in about an hour.” She stepped around Emily and held the door open.

“I know. It’ll be sorted, it’s fine. It’s fine.” Emily didn’t sound like she thought it was fine, so at least Kendra wasn’t the only one who was struggling with the idea that any of this was fine. She didn’t want to admit how annoyed she was about this, because she had been trying to be reasonable. When Emily was out she shut the door and headed back to her care, just glad that nobody was there to see her, all going about their jobs for the moment. 

She ended up ranting to herself all the way home, and then ranting more as she changed back into her warm jammies and made the largest mug of coffee that she could before settling in to her computer and messaging Lyor that she was ready when he was. She knew that he would be busy with his own work too, and there was absolutely no chance that this wasn’t going to be getting in the way of his day too. It was an hour later when he finally called. “So you’re at home?”

“Shut up.” She burst out laughing, knowing that he would recognise her pyjamas, and she used it to make a point that she wanted him to come over later when he finally finished work. She’d missed him the night before and then she hadn’t gotten to have lunch with him like she planned. “You better be coming over tonight?” 

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He smiled back and nodded a little in his own little way of showing that he was sorry about something. She didn’t know exactly what, but she had an idea and she didn’t want him to feel sorry for it, but Kendra had gotten to know him over the last month or so, and she was sure that he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself until he’d apologised to her. “I am sorry about last night.”

“Lyor… I understand. It’s not the easiest to be around someone who isn’t doing great at controlling their emotions and can’t sleep.” Seth had desperately tried to convince her it was because of work, but she knew better than that. Lyor had needed a night off, and Kendra didn’t really blame him. She often felt like she needed a night off from being herself. “I don’t blame you for needing a break.”

“You’re sure?” He asked, still with a little worry on his face. There was no doubt in her mind about it, but Lyor had been overthinking and she wanted to let him work it out. He was a lot easier to work out than her own emotions, and that made her feel like she could actually do what she wanted to, put other people first. “I do love you Ken, it’s just… I need sleep.”

“I’m sure babe.” She grinned then thought of something that she could ask Lyor to do that would make him feel like he was important and that he was doing her a favour. She knew there was something on Seth’s mind, but she didn’t think he’d tell her. “Do me a favour though, check on Seth and how he’s coping. He won’t talk to me, he doesn’t want to burden me, but he’ll talk to you.”

“We’ll be getting the train to yours since you won’t be driving us tonight, so we can talk there.” Kendra suddenly realised that she really did drive everywhere now they were almost always together. She didn’t know if she wanted that to change either, since she still had no idea if Lyor could drive, and she didn’t like being in the back when Seth drove.

So instead she changed the subject, thinking they should get on with work. Especially since Lyor would have to get on with his things too, and she didn’t want to take him away from them all for too long. “You sure you’re ready to do my paperwork for me?” 

“As long as it’s only for today.” He turned his face back to the grumpy one he had been wearing when she first picked up. Kendra knew that he wasn’t happiest doing this, and given that it was what she had been planning on getting done today she wasn’t all that happy either. They did what they had to though, and that was the important part.

* * *

***Seth***

Today’s media stories had all hit a little too close to home for Seth, knowing that Shawn Brown was charged was not the only thing that came out, but also that Kendra hadn’t been targeted for the reason they’d all thought. Of course, Tiffany had had to be the one to get this scoop, which was even more annoying. It had lead Seth to reading over the appropriate file, then telling both Emily and Lyor that he was leaving early. Lyor would meet them later, he’d explain it to Emily at a later date. When he got to Kendra’s he was unsurprised to find her in her pyjamas on the sofa, and all he did was hold up Byron Brown’s file and look at her, waiting to see how she responded. “Ken, how could you not tell me about this stuff.”

“It wasn’t relevant.” She didn’t sound like she was all that convinced, but she still tried it. Dropping her feet to the floor and letting him come and sit beside her. He dropped his coat as he moved over and put the file on the coffee table in front of them. He didn’t want to have to make her talk about this, but he needed to know to keep answering the questions, or avoiding the questions.

As for it not being relevant, Seth thought that it was very relevant. “He broke into this apartment and threatened you with a knife.” How was she so blase about it. If someone had broken into his apartment with a knife he probably would have gone into hiding. “Two days later, after you got a  _ restraining order _ he committed suicide.” Seth had been surprised at that, but it made more sense than the leading theory without that knowledge. “Everyone thinks it’s about the senator’s case but it isn’t, is it?”

“No.” Kendra agreed and dropped her head to her chin a little, and Seth suddenly realised why she had been quite so shocked when Forstell had told them. “He stalked me, but I was always in the Capitol, my office of here. I felt safe until the night he broke in.” Of course she did, she somehow never seemed to have been afraid of anything before Christmas, and clearly that included when she actually should have been. “His brother blamed me at the inquest, said that it was the restraining order the pushed him over. I like that you’re not giving a statement.” It was a transparent attempt to change the subject, and Seth wasn’t going to let it work, at least not the way she wanted for it to.

“You realise that you’ll have to testify?” He asked, knowing that she wouldn’t want to talk about it. Seth had to wonder if Kendra had actually ever been the one testifying. From her file she had never been called to witness in a case before, and so she’d always been the one asking the questions. Seth knew from experience that it was different when you were the one in the spotlight. 

“I know, but by then I’ll be more ready.” Kendra at least seemed confident about that, and as her hand slid into his he thought about that idea, and he knew that she had a lot of healing to do before she’d be even close to ready enough for this. “Forstell thinks that won’t be until the summer, and he won’t call me unless he absolutely has to.” She had gotten information from Forstell? And she was believing it? Seth suddenly found himself even more sceptical.

“You trust him?” He asked pointedly. There had not been very much good between them, definitely not something that should say that Kendra should trust him, but it was clear that somehow she was doing. “After everything you’re trusting John Forstell?” Maybe this was because Seth didn’t feel like he could trust John Forstell, especially not with something so important to someone he loved. 

Kendra just squeezed his hand and looked at him with those big brown eyes that just drew him in every time and made him listen even when he would have rather pretended not to. “Seth… right now I have to try trusting people otherwise I never will again.” That was also something he could understand, and he’d been in that situation when he was younger too. “Can you help me tell Lyor about this?”

“You want to tell him?” Seth yelped, why he’d thought they wouldn’t he didn’t know, but he couldn’t even begin to guess how Lyor would take it. Finding out that someone you loved had been in that situation was not easy, especially not when it probably should have come out some time ago. It hadn’t though, and Seth was going to have to think of how best to say it now.

“I don’t want to leave him in the dark. If you got the file it’s only a matter of time before your answers get more specific in their dismissals and then he’s going to get curious about what you know so it’s better if I just… tell him.” That was a good point, as well. Seth was not going to let Tiffany or any of the other reporters make it sound untoward, and that was going to mean that he have to be specific. Then he realised that Lyor

“Tonight?” He hadn’t been sure if Lyor would still be coming, though he’d made the assumption when Lyor had said ‘see you later’. That didn’t give them long to figure out how they were going to tell him, or what they were going to do with any reactions. Kendra would probably cope better than him.

“He’s still coming over. I text him while you were traveling.” That made sense, and somehow reminded him that he wasn’t the only one who arranged them meeting up. There was still one elephant in the room, and Kendra addressed it before he brought it up, and that was such a relief. “I really don’t care about Shawn Brown being charged, Seth. He deserves everything he gets. I’m okay.” He could tell it was the way she truly felt about that, but that didn’t make him feel any better about it. 

He allowed Kendra to distract him until after dinner with Lyor, she was far too good at that, even if she was just talking about whatever it was on her mind. He hoped, in a way, that they could just keep putting this off but he knew Kendra better than that. If she had decided that Lyor needed to know then he was going to be told and it was going to be today whether Seth was ready for that or not. Sure enough, after dinner Kendra had shut off the music and just looked seriously between the two men in the room. “Alright… we need to talk.”

“What happened?” Lyor immediately caught the change in the mood of the room, and Seth internally winced at the tone Kendra had used. It sounded much worse than it was when approached like that, however, Seth was sure that in her own mind Kendra was just wanting to get this all out of the way as quickly as she could.

“Byron Brown.” She started, and Seth just sat watching her, it was clear after a few seconds that she didn’t know how to continue it. Lyor just looked on in mild confusion and Seth wondered what was going through his mind. Kendra still couldn’t seem to find the words, and in desperation she looked up to him. “Seth…”

“The truth behind everything…” Seth jumped up and went the the coffee table where he’d left the file and handed it to Lyor who opened it and started reading eagerly, looking up every few words. “He stalked Ken, she got a restraining order on him just before he killed himself.”

“How… haven’t the press got hold of this yet.” Lyor asked, clearly still reading through the file. That was a question that Seth had himself, and the fact that only Tiffany was sniffing around meant that even the FBI weren’t leaking this yet. It was going to come out before long with charges being pressed against Shawn. When Lyor put the file down he just stood up and walked around the table, kneeling next Kendra. “Are you alright, you’re not in any danger now are you?” Why hadn’t that question occurred to Seth earlier, of course she could have been in danger, but it hadn’t come into his thoughts. “What did he do to you?”

“No. I’m not in any danger now, the FBI have confirmed that.” Something else than John Forstell must have told her earlier when they spoke. Seth had a hand on Kendra’s shoulder and instead just watched the two people he loved interacting. Something he didn’t get to see all that often, and his heart swelled as Kendra just patted Lyor’s cheek softly. “He didn’t do anything to me, not really.”

Her experience of risk once again came up, and he blinked before squeezing her shoulder to get her attention. “He stalked you for two months, broke into the apartment and threatened you with a knife. Ken don’t downplay it, babe.” He was going to have to keep pulling her on this, because he didn’t want her to start thinking that was normal or allowed. He was sure that both he and Lyor would protect her no matter what. “We might not be the strongest guys in the world, but nothing bad is going to happen to you again, we promise.”

“Yeah. You’re safe with us Kendra.” Lyor echoed, smiling a little as Kendra stood up and pulled him up with her. Seth smiled to himself as she pulled them both into an embrace, and he was shown that if they could get through all of this they would be able to get through anything at all. 

“I love you boys. Thank you for taking this so well Lyor.” Kendra said quietly, kissing them both gently before pulling away. Seth didn’t know much about Kendra’s relationship history, but he had a feeling that she wasn’t exactly used to having support like this. “Thank you both for just being here.” She said again, then took their hands and pulled them to the sofa, Seth ready to get on with something else in their evening, something that wasn’t so heavy. 

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had been back in the Oval this morning, and while it had felt good to be back focusing on things that mattered to the country and were things that he could change. He could make life better for people, but he’d been guilty about not being with his children. So when Penny had gotten home he’d started to dither over her a little, and after a surprisingly short time she’d made it clear that she hadn’t wanted him colouring with her. He’d instead sat back and watched her for a while, decided to cook dinner on his own when Leo got home, and now he was hoping that he could help Leo with his homework. “Dad, stop it.” Leo snapped after the seventh correction, and Tom felt a little hurt by it.

“I’m trying to help you.” Tom defended, really wanting to help but realising that maybe he wasn’t doing it the right way. He didn’t want to have to think about how this would affect them if he didn’t back off when they wanted, but Alex had always helped them, and Tom wanted to try and fill that void.

“This is  _ not _ helping me. This is driving me insane.” Leo pushed back a little and looked at Tom with that same grown-up, world-weary look that he’d developed over the last 10 days, and he had to pretend that that didn’t kill him. Seeing his son suddenly becoming an adult because of a tragedy. “I’ve been back at school for one day, the homework isn’t exactly the hardest.”

“I don’t want you falling behind on your homework, I know you need help sometimes.” Tom knew it sounded weak, but it was the only defence he had really and he didn’t want to push much further if Leo really wanted him to go away, but he felt like he needed to try. Maybe it was more about filling the hole in his life than in filling the hole in theirs.

“It’s day one, dad.” Leo laughed and shook his head. Clearly, he wasn’t going to be behind already but Tom wanted to make sure that he didn’t get behind at all. “Will you please,  _ please _ go and annoy Penny.” The almost begging made him realise how annoying he must have actually been being, but suddenly he didn’t regret it that much.

“She’s… made me leave her alone too.” Penny had been less diplomatic than Leo was being, and that was something that was pushing him away he thought. Penny really didn’t want to seem to be around him at all, and that was hurting him more than he wanted to admit. Penny had always been his little girl, and he felt like he was losing her.

“Maybe you need to go back to work dad.” Leo thought aloud, and Tom just stopped and stared at him. He had been back at work, and now Leo was saying that he was needed more there than he was needed here. “I know you want to be around for me and Penny but right now you’re driving us insane.”

“I was there this morning.” Tom defended. He didn’t need to be at work all the time but his children did need him and they didn’t have anyone else right now. Tom wasn’t sure he’d be able to focus if he was down at the office, he’d want to be back up here too much, wanting to be around the people he felt should need him most. “I should be here.

“You can go be there this evening.” Alright, that was blunt and Tom felt a stab of pain but really Leo was right. “Please, dad. Yeah, we miss mom, both of us do. But I am trying to get back to normal and Penny… well Penny is processing it in her own way.” That was a conversation he wanted. If Leo understood more about Penny Tom would do whatever he could to understand himself. 

So he would pump Leo for information, though he was hoping that it wouldn’t take that much. “What way is that?” His question made Leo stop talking and Tom knew that he was probably going to have to lay this bit on a little thick to get Leo to tell him. “I need to know Leo, I want to help her.” There was a sigh then Leo nodded.

“By attaching herself to any woman that walks through the door… other than Emily that is.” There was a certain amount of logic to that, and Tom could understand why she would be looking for a replacement maternal figure, though Tom was curious about Emily, but Leo answered before Tom could ask. “Penny says that Emily isn’t soft like mom and doesn’t hug her properly.”

“At least Penny is talking to you.” That was something that Tom could take some comfort in. He didn’t know how a ten-year-old was supposed to process something like this, and as long as she was talking to someone he felt better about it and about the fact that he wasn’t always going to be able to be here.

“She’d probably talk to you more if you didn’t always seem so angry.” That was something that made Tom stop entirely and think he wanted to try and defend himself but Leo kept going, clearly thinking about what was in the front of his thoughts. “We both heard your rant last night. I think that probably hurt Penny hurt most as you know how attached she’s become to Kendra Daynes.” Tom was well aware, and more than a little bitter. “And I think Kendra’s been quite good for her though, even if I still don’t know if I can forgive her.”

“You think I was too harsh?” If Leo thought he was harsh maybe he should tell Emily to bring her back, though Tom wasn’t really sure how that would work, or if it would make him look weak and ineffective. He should stick to his decisions, but maybe he needed to accept that it wasn’t all for above-board reasons.

“Yes and no. Did you do it because you can’t stand to look at her either right now?” That was not the question that Tom had expected, especially not from Leo. He would have thought that Emily or even Aaron or Lyor would have been the one to ask him that, but Leo had gotten there first. Tom wanted to pretend that it wasn’t, but Leo really was just like Alex. “Tell me the truth because I know the answer.”

“That may have been part of it.” He admitted bitterly, not really wanted to believe that it was that, but it was and he needed to let that go before too long. He didn’t want to let that taint his work, but he knew that it probably would until he had started to heal from this. 

“Then yeah, you were… but you probably did a good thing because you’d have treated her even more unfairly.” That was pretty much what Emily had already accused him of, wasn’t it? Leo had said almost the same thing as his chief of staff and that should have made Tom think even if it wasn’t obvious.

Even more, than being surprised by the insight into that, Tom was wondering where Leo had got it from. He was really becoming a great young man, one that Tom was always going to be proud of. “How did you get so smart?”

“Mom.” Leo answered plainly then smiled, nodding back to his work. Tom needed to think about what was going to be the way forward, because he wanted to try and deal with things, but he wasn’t sure what he could do. Especially not when he was still struggling to even just make it through the day. People would understand.


	12. Day Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ignore the time skip between season 1 and 2, as it makes no sense while playing it as if there was just a few months between them makes the timeline make perfect sense. So by this point Tom is coming up to the first year after the bombing. This is also the only fluff chapter.

**_January 4th, 2017_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had been sleeping soundly for the first time in weeks she thought, then she realised that she was thinking and so wasn’t actually asleep anymore. That was when she felt the gentle kisses on her shoulder that had likely been what woke her up. A second later that was joined by a quiet voice in her ear. Of course, it was Seth, when Lyor wanted to wake them up he just talked loudly until they had to get up to shut him up. Seth was much more gentle, and it seemed like he was only trying to wake her. “Hey baby, wake up.”

“It’s 4 am.” She mumbled, taking a guess. Their alarms all went off at 5 am, so she knew it was before that but it didn’t feel all that early, so she didn’t think it could be any earlier than 4 am. Kendra didn’t actually mind being woken up early, but she didn’t really want to be awake today since she had finally been properly asleep.

Seth wasn’t giving up though, and his gentle kisses were stopping her from falling all the way back to sleep. She didn’t want to still be awake but she had a feeling that sleep was done with. “It’s 4:43, come to the window.” It was a suggestion, a request, but not really. He clearly didn’t want to let this pass them by, but she didn’t even know what it was, so she rolled over onto her back and looked up at him.

“Why?” She grumbled though it was kind of nice to be woken up like this again. She had been single for years before this, jumping from one casual relationship to another, and they never got to stay the night. They definitely never got to wake her up before her alarm for any reason. “I don’t wanna get up.” 

“Please?” Seth asked, giving her the sad puppy face that he liked to use in these situations to get her to do something, and she knew that it was a sign that he thought that whatever they were going to be doing here was important. Though she wondered if that meant he’d woken Lyor up too. Lyor was actually even worse at mornings than she was, so she hoped that he was still asleep, she wasn’t ready to deal with him this morning.

“Fine. I can’t refuse those puppy eyes, Seth.” She said and sat up, grabbing his sweatshirt from the floor beside the bed, pulling it on over her pyjama top. She was always so cold when she got up, so she had claimed Seth’s sweatshirt. His were nice and baggy, while Lyor’s tended to just be too long for her. 

When she was out of the bed Seth covered her eyes then pulled her around the room and stopped in front of the window before dropping his hand and wrapping his arms around her, putting his chin on her shoulder. “Look, it’s snowing.” He whispered after a second, and she just smiled widely. This was so typically, romantically him and it made her feel special, which she was sure was exactly what he’d wanted. “It’s snowing really heavy.”

“I’m glad you and Lyor stayed here tonight.” Of course, her mind went back to work pretty quickly. Maybe it was the idea of missing her first snow day at the White House that had made her so focused on it, but she knew that they would all be going, partly because she had a feeling that she'd get a call from Seth and Lyor saying they were lost if she let them go alone. “At least we can all walk to work if we have to.”

“Baby, you’re not in work this week, remember?” It was as though Seth thought that she'd lost her mind through getting up too early, but it wasn't that. It was more that she had made a conscious choice, and she would just go and hang around if she wasn't going to be allowed to work. It wouldn't be the first time that someone had done that.

“I am tomorrow, not working but… baby, I love you two but you’re awful at directions especially in the snow.” That was going to be her cover story, she turned her head to kiss him softly a few times after she said that then realised that Lyor wasn't in the bed they had vacated a few minutes earlier, and that gave Kendra an idea of what happened to start waking her up. “Lyor wouldn’t get up to look at snow would he?”

“He got up… said some not very nice words. I think this is more your kind of romance anyway.” Seth grinned, his chin back on her shoulder, cheek pressed against hers as they watched the snow falling out the window. Kendra had to admit that this was a beautifully romantic way to be woken up, but it also was not something that Kendra could see Lyor enjoying being woken up for.

“This is lovely babe.” She smiled and felt Seth lift his head and start kissing any exposed skin that he could. This was how they tended to be on the nights and mornings where Lyor wasn't with them. far more physically affectionate than they were when Lyor was around, they didn't know exactly where the line was yet, and until they did Kendra wanted to keep it so that they didn't make him uncomfortable. “Hey, let’s not wake sleeping beauty.”

“He went through to the lounge, it’s fine.” Seth continued, and Kendra just smiled a little, even if he was in the apartment she knew it wouldn't go much further than touching each other up, but it still felt a little naughty. She did like that from time to time. The upside to Lyor not being the quietest person meant they always knew when he was awake.

“Bad influence, Seth Wright.” She smirked then kissed him again. It was the best start to a morning she'd had in a long time, and for the first time in over a week, she wasn't stood there guilty for being alive. This all happened for a reason. She might not know why yet, but she would eventually. Maybe there was a corner being turned in her mind, she didn't know for sure. But today she certainly felt better than she had in a long time.

Lyor woke up when their alarms all went off fifteen minutes later, and Kendra allowed herself to be pulled away from the beauty of the morning to get dressed. Unlike when she was working she found comfortable clothes, leggings and one of Seth's shirts over another t-shirt of hers. It wasn't professional, but it was comfortable. “Come on, I’ll walk in with you.”

“What?” Lyor paused the same way that Seth had, though there was less questioning of her sanity, something that she was thankful for. She didn't actually like thinking that the people she knew best thought that she was losing her mind. 

“I told Seth earlier, I do not trust you two walking to work in the snow.” She didn't think that Lyor would actually disagree either. He had commented before about the fact that neither he nor Seth had any sense of direction and they both had to depend on very specific directions. 

“Why are we going to have to walk?” Well… That hadn't been the reaction that Kendra had been expecting, though it wasn't that much different to Lyor's standard questions when faced with something like this. Why would they have to walk? Because it was snowing. It was snowing a lot and it clearly had been for a while. That was why she'd checked the trains.

“The train isn’t running... I mean I could drive.” She had made sure that she had snow appropriate tyres on her car just before Christmas, and she hadn't driven that much in the last two weeks. Her car would probably be fine, and she lived on a plough route, so they shouldn't have had too much trouble with getting there.

“I think maybe you should in this weather.” Seth chirped, looking up from his coffee and phone news apps. Kendra was used to his morning routine of reading every headline story on three news sites. She didn't know which ones, and really she didn't care all that much. “It’s still snowing. You can drive in the snow, right?” It was a teasing question so she took a second to think of the appropriate response and grinned when it came to her.

“Better than you, Seth.” She often mocked Seth's driving, just because she could. She didn't really mind that he was trying to get her to comment on that because their teasing routine was established and it made her feel better about saying stupid things to him. Especially when she was being silly with it. She might let him drive home later though, just to see how he coped with it.

“Ken you always drive better than me, babe.” He ended up saying as he got up and kissed her cheek before he got up and went to the sink. Kendra just watched and was glad that she had warmer clothes in her office and she wouldn't have to change now. “Let’s get to work then. How are you gonna explain it to Emily?”

“That I wanna be around with people I care about while it snows.” Kendra made the decision that she wasn't missing her first snow day at the White House so she would deal with the fallout from that if and when she had to. Mostly though she thought that everyone else could deal with this. “She can deal with it, or more specifically, the President can deal with it.” Maybe she should have stayed home, but she didn't want to. This was much more fun. It was going to be an interesting day and she didn't want to miss it.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth liked briefings when half the press corps hadn't made it in, and would probably only really try if they got a page that there was an emergency. Right now it appeared that it was largely a slow news day, and he was going to have to accept that. At least without reporters in there wouldn't be the usual ridiculousness of slow news days. He was heading back to his office when Aaron came up beside him. “Did you know Kendra is here?”

“Yeah, she brought me and Lyor in today. It was a little too far away for us to walk.” Alright, Kendra's place wasn't really that far. It would take a while to walk it but it was possible. Nobody had wanted to in the cold, and Seth had just been glad that Kendra had decided to play the rebel and come into work anyway, even though she wasn't entirely wanted here today. 

“It’s still snowing, will she be able to get home?” Aaron asked and Seth just answered with a nod. He was making the assumption that Kendra had had a plan for if it kept snowing. After that Aaron had a little mischievous look on his face, one that made Seth pause for a second. “I assume you’re going to be going with her.”

“More than likely. We’ll figure it out.” No commitment there, they were still trying to keep their relationship quiet, though he shouldn't be that surprised that the senior staff were starting to notice that he, Kendra and Lyor spent an awful lot of time together. It wasn't something they were trying to hide really, though they probably should have been. The fallout of what they were doing could be extreme but it didn’t really bother Seth as much as it probably should have done. He then realised that Aaron being here and asking about Kendra and the weather meant he wasn’t doing any work. “Shouldn’t you be working?”

“Nothing to do right now. I’m going to go annoy Emily.” Aaron was really not someone who should be left without something specific to do, and that was probably part of why he was walking around the West Wing annoying the senior staff. “If it keeps snowing I’m going to get people together for a snowball fight, you in?” 

“I should say don’t annoy Emily, but you know I’m not going to.” Ever since their awkward kiss, that had prompted him to admit to Kendra how he felt about her, he had stopped trying to stop people annoying her, because it seemed like too much trouble. A snowball fight sounded like fun though, and he knew that at least one person would be up for it, even if nobody else would be. “Ask Kendra, she loves snow.”

“I thought she hated being cold?” Aaron just looked confused, and Seth didn’t actually blame him, Kendra was the most vocal about how cold it could be in the West Wing, but when it came to playing in the snow she was a child. She would put as many clothes on as she could and go out and enjoy herself. Seth had heard the stories from her mother about that, and he was actually looking forward getting to see it.

“She wears like thirty layers for snowball fights. She loves them.” Seth could feel the grin on his face. He’d probably have a similar one if he was talking about Lyor too, but he didn’t honestly know about Lyor’s opinion on snow. Kendra sounded adorable with snow, and she had been excited enough just standing with him watching it coming down this morning. “She just loves snow.”

Aaron’s smile grew as they walked and Seth wondered what he was thinking, then just before they reached his office Aaron stopped him and spoke quietly. “Seth… I know you two haven’t ever said it but we’re not wrong thinking that there’s something going on there, right?” He asked slowly, making Seth wonder why he was asking so outright. “Your smile when you talk about her kinda gives it away.”

“You’re not wrong.” He decided to just confirm it to Aaron. Not counting his relationships, Aaron was his best friend in the White House and was one of his oldest friends no matter what had happened in between that had brought them closer together told Seth that he should trust his friend with this secret. He would have to admit, it would be nice to talk about Kendra to someone other than Lyor too. “Keep it on the down low though.”

“Always. She’s good for you.” Aaron smiled and squeezed his shoulder. It was clear that Aaron wasn’t going to end there, though Seth had no idea what it could possibly be. “I’m not going to ask about how Lyor fits in. I’m going to just pretend that he lives in Kendra’s building or somewhere nearby.” That was exactly what Seth had thought that people would assume when they realised. 

“No comment.” Seth decided that that would be the safest way to address that one. It wasn’t an outright lie because it was an assumption that would make sense to people outside of their group. Especially to those people who weren’t used to the thought of having multiple partners. In fact, Seth was willing to bet Kendra was the only one who had experienced it before, and even that was more as an observer than a participant. It was something new for all of them.

“I hope you’re more convincing with the press.” Aaron teased and looked out of the window over Seth’s shoulder. Seth then turned to see the snow still falling and Kendra out there clearly trying to enjoy the snow. Judith hadn’t been lying about how much Kendra loved the snow. The internal gardens were open to West Wing staff, and that was probably why Kendra was out there. It was private and she wouldn’t have to speak to anyone who wasn’t inside the administration. “Speaking of Lyor, think he’ll be into a snowball fight?” Aaron’s question almost distracted him from thinking about why Kendra was out there.

“I have no idea, you’ll have to ask him.” He wondered himself, but he wasn’t going to make Lyor join in if he didn’t want to. It was like everything else in any relationship. People needed to be comfortable, and Seth didn’t really like snowball fights, but he wanted to join Aaron and Kendra and anyone else who was out there. “I’m gonna go talk to her. See you later?” He smiled as Aaron nodded and grabbed his coat from his office before heading out to where Kendra was stood thinking.

Seth actually got to enjoy a few minutes just listening to Kendra speak about the winters from her childhood. It was clear that she had always been a bit of a snow baby. It probably wasn’t all that surprising given that she was born in November in the district, there would probably have been a lot of snow in her first few months. The stories about the time she’d spend with her father were sweet and made Seth wish that he could have met the man. It was obvious how much Kendra had adored him. When he had to go back to work he made sure that she was alright then tried to just work through the rest of the morning so he would have time for the snowball fight. He was surprised a half an hour later when the last voice he expected in the West Wing right now. “Seth.”

“Sir?” He stood up as quickly as he could, remembering a year earlier when he was having to teach the newly-appointed President about the customs of the White House, now it was second nature to all of them. How much was one man meant to lose really? It wasn’t fair the hand that had been dealt to him. “How are you doing?” It probably wasn’t the most elegant question to be asking the President only 10 days after losing his wife, but Seth felt like it was what he should ask.

“I’m getting there, life is moving on as it always does.” It was clear that it was a lie, but Seth couldn’t exactly call the President out for lying about his mental state. There was a moment of awkwardness where Seth was sure they both knew that it was a falsehood, but the President quickly moved on to something, clearly trying to just move the conversation on. “I was walking around down here and thought I would say hello.”

“It’s always nice to see you, sir.” Seth would always feel a debt to Tom Kirkman, especially given how intertwined his personal life had become with his professional position. Though if he had to pick right now he would probably pick to prioritise his private life. As the silence stretched he searched for something to talk about and remembered something interesting that had passed his desk. “I heard you have asked to have a specimen of Hylidae Kirkmanus here permanently.”

“He has a name, Seth. He’s called Cornell.” Once again when it came to that damn frog Seth ended up staring at his boss and wondering what there was that drew him to be so incredibly nerdish about some things. Mostly about frogs, boats and planes. At least those were the ones that Seth had noticed. “He’ll be in the residence, you don’t need to worry about it.”

“I’m not so worried, Lyor probably is though.” Seth would never forget the first time Lyor had met that frog, and how obsessed he had been with it. He also remembered seeing Kendra’s face as Lyor had tried to work the frog out and he’d had to go and distract them. That made him think about Kendra’s cat and how much more cuddly that would have been and would have been less stressful for the West Wing staff who may have to come into contact with it. Though, again, probably not Lyor. At least not if Kendra’s cat was anything to go by. “Wouldn’t a cat have been easier?”

“If Penny has her way we’ll be getting one of them too.” The President smiled and that let Seth chuckled too. He hadn’t felt right about that while it had seemed to be serious, now though he felt better about it. “Thank you for everything you’ve done the last ten days Seth. You’ve been fantastic in front of the press.” That praise seemed to come out of nowhere, and he had no idea what to say so he just ended up staring at him for a moment. “Have a good day, Seth.”

“You too, sir.” He replied, wondering what it was that had brought the President down to thank his staff. For just a moment Seth wondered if he would be going speaking to Kendra before he realised that that probably wasn’t actually all that likely. They weren’t on speaking terms right now, and that was a sad thing really.

* * *

***Tom***

A snowball fight had been too much of a draw for Penny and Leo to keep them inside, as soon as they had seen it starting in the gardens between the West Wing and the residence they had both changed into cold weather wear and run down to play too. That had lead to Tom walking through to the West Wing where he would have a much better view of the snowball fight. He stopped beside where Lyor was watching the same thing, with a similar level of interest.

Penny was running around with them now, and Tom watched as she ran up to Kendra, the lawyer whispered something to his daughter, and a second later they ran behind Aaron from opposite directions, Kendra picking Penny up at the last second to drop snow down the back of Aaron’s collar, leading to a yelp from his NSA and a lot of laughter from everyone else out there. Leo then threw a snowball that hit Seth on the cheek, and lead to more chasing and more laughter.

It didn’t escape Tom’s notice that Kendra and Penny were an unstoppable team when they were working together, and he enjoyed seeing all of them having so much fun. He had never liked snowball fights, even when he’d been young. They were always much more fun to watch while he was in the warmth. His eyes were drawn to Kendra and Seth, clearly trying to have a quiet moment together, until his daughter hit them with a snowball and, presumably, yelled for them to come back to the game.

“They all look to be having fun don’t they?” Came a voice from where Lyor was stood, and Tom looked up to see the young man just watching his friends chasing each other with snow. It did look fun, but for so many reasons Tom was not going to go out there, he was grateful that Lyor had broken the silence. Today was the first day he had wanted to be around people since Christmas.

“They do, you’re not out there with them?” Tom wondered what his reasons for staying inside were. He knew that Emily was working with the Lithuanian ambassador, but he wasn’t sure what Lyor was doing that would have kept him inside. There were no major emergencies happening so the staff was given a little leeway to have some fun, and normally Tom would have wanted to see everyone who could join in.

“And end up covered in snow and with a lot more work to do when I got back in? No!” It was quite an emphatic refusal, one that Tom wouldn’t have expected from Lyor. He normally kept that level of passion for something professional. “No, I prefer watching, especially when it’s still snowing.” There was a hint of regret in it, but it was also something that made sense, in some ways. Though there was a large hole in his logic.

“Lyor, maybe you should lighten up. You’re not working right now.” It was a simple reminder and not one that Tom expected to be giving to anybody. He did want Lyor to loosen up too, Tom was fairly sure that not being able to enjoy something like this was going to add too much pressure to people.  

“You’re not out there either, sir?” Lyor said quietly, moving over a little more to be stood right beside him. It meant that they could keep the conversation more private, and Tom was actually extremely grateful for that. He may be wanting to be around people for now, but he wasn’t sure that he was ready to talk publicly about his feelings.

He also knew that people out there weren’t exactly happy with his insistence that Kendra be put on leave for the week. He was going to let her off for being here today, especially since he knew the decision was unpopular even with his own children. “Most of the people out there don’t like me very much right now, and I can understand why.” He wasn’t going to pretend like he was oblivious to their reasons, so he thought that  “I’ll let them have their fun and watch from here.”

They lapsed into another companionable silence and that made him feel a little better now. Tom was almost taken aback when Lyor spoke again. “Sir, tell me if I’m stepping over a line but I have to ask about when you’re planning on returning to full duty?” That was an interesting question and one that Tom was sure the entire staff was asking. He didn’t really know the answer himself, but he knew what he needed to say.

“Soon. As soon as I can.” He wondered how truthful to be for a moment, and decided to straddle a line. He wasn’t going to keep using the children as an excuse, but he knew that he couldn’t just keep pretending that everything was going to be normal. “I’m still not going to be the easiest person to work with for a while.”

“I think that’s supposed to be your job,” Lyor said, and at first Tom thought that he was making a joke before a glance told him that Lyor was being serious. “I’m the one who is meant to make your deals. That’s the traditional role of a political director.” That was also true, but it made 

“The traditional role of political director was folded in with the job of Deputy Chief of Staff.” Tom thought aloud, suddenly realising that they had hired Lyor and he’d never really thought about a deputy for Emily.

“But you don’t have one of those, sir,” Lyor said, once again entirely matter-of-factly. It wasn’t a request, it wasn’t a reprimand. It was simply a fact that Lyor had felt he needed to be told about. “You don’t have a lot of the traditional senior staff. But the staff you have are talented at managing multiple positions.”

“That’s something I need to think about, thank you Lyor.” It was something he had needed drawn to his attention really, but he hadn’t thought that much about it before. Why hadn’t Emily or Aaron ever mentioned it? Almost a year in he probably should have more staff by now, but he didn’t. 

“Are you not waiting for the fight to finish sir?” Lyor asked, turning to watch him as he started walking back toward the oval office where he thought that he would be able to be alone with his thoughts. Tom thought that it was time that he thought about how he was feeling today. He also needed to think about what Lyor brought up because he hadn’t even thought about his staffing level. 

“Penny and Kendra are going to be the only people who win this one.” It was obvious that his daughter was a secret weapon for the counsellor, and Tom didn’t need to see what they did to the others. “I’ll be in my office.” He turned and walked away, deciding that they could all enjoy the snow while he would enjoy some peace and quiet, which was exactly what he needed.


	13. Day Eleven

**_January 5th, 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

When she woke up this morning something just hadn’t felt right. That pit of anxious dread and painful guilt had clearly dropped on her again at some point in the night. Maybe it was because of the dream. She hadn't dreamt about Christmas for a few days, and so she hadn't been crushed by the memory of that night. By seeing Alex Kirkman in the car. By the mental picture she still had of the response.

Maybe some of it was also because she was laid here with two people she loved deeply. Seth was snoring, loudly, something he'd deny he did if she mentioned it, while Lyor had curled into a ball on Seth's other side. That was part of why she didn't like to go in the middle, she could never get comfortable with Lyor all balled up. Seth just tended to want to keep her close.

Sitting up caused a wave of nausea too crash over her, then another wave of guilt for being annoyed by it. She didn't deserve to be annoyed by the nausea because at least she was alive to experience it. Alex wasn't, and that was the thing that kept sticking in Kendra's mind. Yesterday had been as close to a perfect day as she could get. Spending time with her friends and the people she loved, playing stupid games in the snow. It was perfect, carefree and wonderful. 

Now all she felt was guilt, especially when she thought of what little Penny Kirkman had said to her.  _ “You are almost as good at this as mommy.” _ The little girl's voice taunted her in her barely awake mind, and she knew she needed to get up, she needed to walk away from where she was because even being able to see Seth and Lyor w making her want to collapse into a ball of tears. Slowly she slid from the bed, watching to make sure the two sleeping men didn't disturb, then picked up the sweater and padded through to the living room. Her apartment was small, so she couldn't go far, but it was enough that the wall blocked her view.

Standing at the front window she could see that the snow had still built up, but the road and path were clear. It was still dark, but the streetlights kept the route lit enough for her to see. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to cry, prayed that something would come and distract her, something to tell her that she was allowed to be happy, that she was allowed to be anything and everything. She was so afraid of these moods, they were the things that scared her the most. She never thought of doing anything specifically, but she knew that at the worst she lost track of time, and she had no idea how.

Distracting herself wasn't going to happen, and standing here was just giving her more time to think. Thinking was not what she needed to be doing. Kendra wondered if maybe, just maybe, she should put another layer of clothes on and go for a run. Leaving a note for Seth and Lyor with a time she'd be back for. Anything to get her out of this apartment and to stop her thinking. Morning running was not her preference, but she needed to do something and nothing else came to mind. 

She was midway through putting her pants on when she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and was quickly pulled into a tight embrace. Normally the one who realised she was awake was Seth, but he was still snoring and Lyor was the one there, holding her close without asking a single question. For one fleeting moment she wanted to push him off, yell at him for trying to stop her, but as soon as that moment past she clung to him tighter, feeling the tears start to fall again. How had she dropped back this far in only a few minutes? She didn't know but she would have liked for it to have stopped and for her to be back to feeling the way she had the day before.

Lyor's gentle hands guided her out the bathroom and back through to the living room, settling her on the sofa then wrapping himself around her. Once again not saying a word he just let her cry on him. She didn't even really know how to tell him why she was like this this morning. It was long before their alarms were going to sound, but he was still there. When the alarm did finally go she knew she was going to have to face Seth too, but she wasn't ready to answer questions, and she didn't really think she was ready to be left alone but she knew they had to go to work, and she didn't.

So she just laid on the sofa, waiting for one or the other of them to worry enough to just come and collect her. That was what she expected anyway. Seth called her every half an hour, almost on the half hour. She answered every time, but she didn’t know what else to do. There was nothing to distract her. Just laying there staring at the ceiling seemed like a good start, then there was a knock at the door and she had to suppress the urge to pretend she wasn’t there. In the end, she was glad she didn’t, as another three knocks told her it was her mother and she was annoyed at waiting so was using the chair. “What are you doing out here?”

“I thought I’d come spend the day with you.” Judith was trying to play it off as a random visit, but Kendra wasn’t buying it. There was no way that this was a coincidence, and so she just stared at her mother until she sighed, wheeling past Kendra and into the living room. Stopping in her usual spot. “Seth called me, he’s really worried about you.” There was a part of her that was furious at him for calling her mother, but mostly she felt a spreading warmth of affection spreading through her.

“He didn't need to do that. I’m fine.” If she kept pretending that this was fine. That she really didn’t need to think about how weird this was and that she was entirely normal. It was perfectly acceptable to wish she wasn’t breathing or was just unconscious. She was fine and there was no need at all for anyone else to worry about her.

“He told me you were up half the night alternating between crying and catatonic.” Of course, Seth had sold her out. Kendra just stood watching as her mother slowly got herself up and somehow managed to get herself onto the sofa that had been Kendra’s moping spot for the entire day so far. “Is he wrong?” That question brought her short and she wondered if she should be working out a better cover story, but she couldn’t really lie to her mother, even if she really wanted to. 

“I… no, no he's not.” She tried to make it sound better than it was, but she couldn’t. She’d woken early, yes, and she’d struggled to settle again after that. It didn’t mean that she was up half the night but, technically, he still wasn’t wrong. What worried her was that her mother had come up to the city, and she didn’t like to use public transport pretty much ever. “You didn’t need to come up here though, it must have cost a fortune.” 

“No, Mark drove me up, he’s going to pick me up later too.” Her ‘cousin’ Mark was, of course, going to drive Judith around. He’d always been good at helping when it was needed, and as far as Kendra knew could work from anywhere. That didn’t stop Kendra from giving Judith a look that said she shouldn’t have gone to the trouble. “I’m your mom and I need to check on you. We’re going to talk about what’s going on, Ken. You need to talk to someone.” 

“I have therapy tomorrow.” Kendra knew that that wasn’t going to be enough to stop her mother from pressing, and if she was honest it was something she needed to do right now. She needed to talk, she needed to try and get her mind to settle and to be told that she wasn’t a bad person just because she had survived. She’d been getting better at telling herself that, but she had failed today and maybe she needed it being pushed into her.

“You need the help now, Ken. So I’m here and we’re going to talk.” Judith patted the sofa beside her, and less than ten minutes later Kendra was pouring her heart out to her mother. It was cathartic and painful and awful all at the same time. She had no idea what she was saying, and slowly but surely drifted into a fitful sleep, letting darkness claim her and hoping that when she woke up some of this would have been syphoned off by the unloading.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth hated that he had had to call Judith in, and he wasn’t sure that he had been able to hide his worry all that well through the early afternoon briefing. He was so worried about her, and he didn’t know what else he could do. As soon as he stepped out of the briefing he heard the last voice he needed on a day that was as high emotion as it had been so far today. “It was nice to see Kendra Daynes yesterday.”

“Yeah, it was.” He knew that most of the press corps knew about him and Kendra, if not officially then at least in rumours. It was still easier to pretend that he didn’t have any special interest, or that he wouldn’t have seen her anyway. He wanted to know where Tiffany was going to take this, but at the same time the longer she carried on like this, the longer he had to escape before she said something that pissed him off.

“When’s she coming back?” It seemed like such an innocent question, but it was one that he had answered before. The White House staff had agreed that they would keep saying that it was Kendra’s choice to take a week’s leave. No need for any questions, but it seemed that Tiffany and Lisa were going to push it anyway. 

Seth knew that the only way he could try and stop this would be to either give them what they wanted or to push back against them. He hoped that pushing back would work, but right now he knew they wanted to talk to Kendra, and he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be able to put it off any further. “Tiffany.”

“You know that I’ll find out, and Lisa and I are going to keep pushing this.” There it was, exactly what he’d hoped wouldn’t happen. Since his… thing with Lisa Jordan earlier in the year she had actively worked with whoever was annoying him most at any given time, so right now she was joining up with Tiffany. It would actually have made perfect sense here given that they were investigating something that could hurt him personally, too.

“I told you why she’s taken leave.” Seth could hear the exasperation in his own voice, and it was because he mostly was fed up of repeating it. The rest of the press corp had investigated at first, but they had all quickly surmised he was telling the truth and dropped it. “She came in yesterday in case there was an emergency with the weather. There wasn’t and there is little need for you to keep pushing it now.”

“I don’t believe you, you know.” Tiffany somehow felt she needed to point that out, Seth would have guessed that anyway from the way that she refused to ever accept his word for anything, she’d probably even argue with him about what he had for lunch if she felt like it. She carried on following him and he stopped just before the restricted area began because he was sure that Tiffany would probably follow him. “You can’t protect your girlfriend if she’s under investigation. That’s the only reason for the administration to be this shifty.”

“You can call her, or Forstell.” He knew that Forstell didn’t normally comment on these investigations, but he owed both of them a favour, and if that meant officially declaring that Kendra had never been under investigation then so be it. “I’ll even see if I can get you a sit down with her next week if you stop pedalling your vicious lies.” 

“If you can get me a sit down with her I’ll hold my investigations.” Seth groaned a little, he should have known that offering that would bite him in the ass, but he was sure that he could convince her of it. It would probably take all night to convince her, but he’d try. “But I want it on Monday.” 

“Fine. I’ll tell you the details tomorrow.” He wouldn’t have the ability to do it any faster even if he tried. He wasn’t going to bring this up with Kendra unless he was with her in person, and he knew that Tiffany would keep to her word. There was too much at stake for her, really, if she didn’t. No doubt Lisa would have spoken about how she almost lost her job for losing access to the White House

“Tomorrow is Saturday, Seth,” Tiffany said, clearly trying to make it sound as though that wasn’t going to be good enough. She was a White House reporter, she’d likely be here tomorrow, if she wasn’t, one of her researchers would be between now and then. It was going to be something for Monday, and she’d just have to keep on top of things.

“I’ll email you. I can’t arrange it right this second so you’ll have to be patient until then, I know that’s difficult for you.” He couldn’t resist that as he disappeared around the corner and into the protection of the restricted areas of the White House. He called Forstell the moment he was back in his office, glad that he’d be able to at least make sure that he was on board with Seth’s plan.

Seth felt like the day kept dragging on, probably because he just wanted to get himself home. He had a feeling that while she was in the city Judith was going to insist that he and Kendra join her for dinner somewhere, and he was ready for that. He’d probably find out when he went home at the end of the day. Or that was what he thought when he answered his phone that afternoon and heard a familiar if unexpected, voice. “Judith?”

“ _ I want to come see you. _ ”

“I’m at work…” Seth started, then mentally kicked himself. Judith Daynes was one of the smartest people he’d ever met, she was going to know that the press secretary was at work only half an hour after the last briefing. It wasn’t like he could go home between briefings. He had other things that he needed to do in the meantime. 

“ _ I am well aware of that. Give me an appointment. _ ”

“When?” It wasn’t a statement so he didn’t argue, he guessed from the sounds around her that Judith was on her way over anyway. It sent a shot of concern through him when he realised that it probably meant she had something that she wanted to discuss that she couldn’t talk about over the phone. Seth didn’t want to think about that right now.

“ _ Well, I’m going to be there in five minutes. I thought calling you rather than Lyor was probably a better choice. _ ”

“Is this about Kendra?” He asked, and he heard the fear and trepidation in his own voice. He thought about inviting Lyor to this meeting, then remembered that he was going to be up on the hill all afternoon anyway, and had agreed to go to dinner with Emily and someone tonight. They could talk tomorrow, he would go see Lyor while Kendra was in therapy.

“ _ Yes, we need to talk… So, give me an appointment and I can explain. My godson Mark is with her, she was asleep when I left. _ ”

“Good, thanks. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Seth hung up, then went to the door and called out to his assistant, sure that she was somewhere nearby. She wasn’t always in sight, but whenever he needed something she was there, and she was surprisingly attuned to his moods most of the time. “Cathy, can you call down to security and add Judith Daynes to my appointments.”

“When?” She shouted back from around the corner, but he heard her picking up the phone. It was something he appreciated, and he knew that he was one of the few who had inherited a good assistant from their predecessor. Seth hoped that she’d stay with him for as long as he was in this job. It would be best for him that way, she got him. 

“In five minutes. She’s in a wheelchair, so make sure that is noted.” He called back, hoping that someone would help her up and through the building. Normally they would, but not always. Seth was going to hope that he wouldn’t get another call from her soon saying that she was lost. “Get her an escort to my office.” Hopefully, that would prevent that. Hopefully.

He couldn’t focus on the report as he waited, and he was sure that this was not the best way to be approaching anything, but he was nervous about what Judith was going to be telling him. When she arrived he stood up and walked around, smiling and thanking the escort before she spoke. “Seth, it’s good to see you again.” He was about to reply when she steamed on, and he realised he wasn’t going to get a word in until she had said her piece. “I know how much you care for my little Kennie, and I know you know how fragile she is right now.” That was an understatement. He may have called Judith in today, but for the last 11 days he’d dealt with the bulk of it, with a little help from Lyor. “What you didn’t know is that she blamed herself for not seeing her father for a while before he died.”

“She rarely speaks about how he died. I know it was only a few months ago.” Seth moved a chair so that he could close the door, then sat in it so he was next to Judith, rather than being across the desk from her. It was something that made him feel a little awkward, and while she might be visiting him here, he knew that this was far from a professional meeting.

“July,” Judith replied and swallowed gently, it was clear that Kendra wasn’t the only one still coming to terms with that. “What is happening now isn’t just the First Lady, though she is traumatised by that, but some of it is her father too.” Seth thought they were all affected by what happened to Alex Kirkman, but he also knew that Kendra had not only been there but been the target. It was so different for her than for the rest of them, and learning there was something about her father too was just reminding Seth why he loved her resilience. “She loves this job, and she’s absolutely certain that she’s ruined this chance.”

Seth wondered if there was any way that he could sneakily have Judith meet the president. Maybe that would help both of them feel like they were moving on, and Seth hoped that it would help his personal guilt that he’d had to call someone else in to help him with Kendra’s mental state this morning. The very least he could do was take her on a tour and introduce her to the rest of the staff that Kendra worked with. “Would you like a tour while we talk?”

“Are you sure?” Judith asked, Seth wasn’t sure if it was the tour or the talk that she was debating, but whichever one it was, he didn’t want her to have to worry about it. It wasn’t going to be a spectacle, but he wouldn’t admit to his ulterior motive.

“Of course, it’s late, most of the staff are home but you can speak to the senior staff, most should be here.” He knew that Lyor wasn’t, but Emily and Aaron would be, and Seth would show her the Oval even if the President wasn’t there. It would be something that she could brag about at a later date. This was all fine, and it surely wouldn’t backfire on him, surely.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had been thrown out of his own home, but Penny and Leo had ganged up on him and decided that he needed to go back to work and stop  _ annoying _ them. They had actually locked him out of the residence, and exactly how they’d done that he didn’t know, but it showed exactly who was really the boss in this family, and it wasn’t him. He had been working all evening, and now he was looking for a distraction, so when he saw Seth in the small office outside his door he stood up and motioned him in. “Hi, Seth.” It was only a second later when an older but extremely familiar looking woman followed him into the office in a wheelchair. “You must be Kendra’s mother?”

“Mr President.” She said, holding her hand out to shake his. Given the wheelchair, he probably should have expected a strong grip, but he was still surprised by it for a reason he didn’t entirely understand. After a moment she continued speaking, and Tom suddenly understood why Kendra had gravitated toward Seth and Lyor on the staff. “What gave it away that Kendra was mine?”

“She looks a lot like you.” He smiled, it was actually a little surprising exactly how much Kendra looked like her mother, and it was more than a little painful for Tom to look at this face. He had thought horrible things about what he would have preferred to happen to Kendra, and here he was, seeing immediately that Kendra Daynes had a lot more to deal with than he’d known. “What can I do for you?” 

“I was just giving Judith a tour, she was here to speak to me.” Seth interrupted, stepping to the side and looking a little worried that they may have interrupted him, though it wasn’t clear that Seth hadn’t planned this. He wasn’t going to assume that he had, but it was something that was possible. “We can go.” He offered, but Tom wondered if maybe talking to the woman in front of him might actually help.

“It’s okay, Seth, I’d like to speak to Ms Daynes.” He was sure that Judith Daynes would know what was going on here, and that her daughter was maybe not being treated the most fairly. Tom knew that he would continue feeling guilty as long as she was there, and that was an additional emotion that he didn’t need. He was guilty enough without thinking how his uncharitable thoughts would have affected this woman. 

“Yes, sir.” There was a flash of a smirk from Seth, and Tom didn’t know whether to be angry or amused by it. “Come and find me when you’re done,” Seth spoke quietly to Judith, and that just added credence to the rumours that had been floating around about his press secretary and counsel. He wasn’t going to ask, but it was nice to know they’d found each other. 

When Seth left Tom sat in his usual chair and motioned for Judith to come around to speak to him, once she was stopped beside him she reached behind her into her bag and spoke quietly. “Maybe there is something I could do for you.” She had a cardboard file on her lap when she straightened up, and when she continued speaking Tom realised what had brought her here. “I know where you are. I know your thoughts and I even know why you’re taking it out on my daughter. Among others from what I’ve been told.”

“I… I don’t follow.” He started, not at all sure what he was even trying to say. He couldn’t say he wasn’t giving people a hard time, and he couldn’t say that Kendra wasn’t among those who were getting it worst, but he didn’t want to admit to it either, so playing dumb was probably the better way.

“Kendra’s father… well her adoptive father… He was killed in an accident a month before you offered her her position here.” At that she opened the file and handed him a picture, it was clearly Kendra, probably around 18. It seemed to be her graduation picture, and Tom smiled thinking about how Leo would be graduating in a few months. Then he remembered that Alex wouldn’t be there and he felt the smile drop off his face.

“I didn’t know that.” He actually hadn’t even known that Kendra was adopted. At least by her father, there was no way that she wasn’t biologically related to the woman sat beside him. “What happened?” He wanted to know, but at the same time he didn’t. It would make it harder to deal with all of this. But it seemed impolite not to actually ask.

“He was visiting the warehouse for his company, a stack of boxes fell. He and two young men were crushed.” That was actually even more tragic than Tom had expected, and maybe Judith was right, she did know where he was. But that wasn’t actually going to help him that much.

“I’m… I’m sorry.” He tried to sound sympathetic, and he knew that it was selfish that his thoughts were that that had happened in July. Six months ago. It had been 12 days since Alex died, and he didn’t want to hear about some other tragedy. A tragedy that didn’t really affect him and his children. 

Judith knew though, she knew and that made him angry. “No, you’re not. You’re too angry at the world to be sorry.” She wasn’t wrong about him being angry, so he took a breath to try and control himself. What was it that Lyor would say, him blowing up at the disabled mother of one of this staff would have bad optics.

“You don’t know me.” He snarled instead, managing to bring it back to that but he knew that he was only angry because she had been entirely right. She had seen through him and it made him feel vulnerable. He hated that feeling and it was crushing him right now.

“I know people just like you, sir.” Judith returned, clearly not actually upset or offended by the anger in his voice. “You may have additional pressures, being the President, but you’re not the only person to blame everything as they grieve.” That sounded like something that she had some experience of, but there was no polite way to ask it. “But taking it out on people isn’t going to make you feel any better.”

“Does anything make you feel better?” He hated how desperate that question sounded. It wasn’t supposed to sound like he was a child looking for reassurance, but it did.

“Not in my experience. I’m only 5 months further on than you are though, so who knows what the future brings.” Judith managed to laugh, and that was something that Tom wasn’t sure if he’d ever been able to do. “Well, for me probably not much. I don’t have long left before this gets me, I know that, but you have a whole life ahead of you.”

That statement got his attention, and he sat up a little more, wondering what she could possibly mean by that. “What…?”

“I have multiple sclerosis, secondary progressive, and it’s been progressing fairly consistently since I converted.” Tom didn’t know very much about MS, but he knew that it wasn’t necessarily fatal. He remembered reading somewhere that people with it did have a slightly shorter life expectancy, and were more likely to develop other complications. “Kendra will be without either parent within a few years, and I don’t want to think of her having to live with all this guilt. I’m sure you can understand that as a parent.”

“I understand entirely.” Tom had to admit that the one thing he couldn’t imagine was Penny or Leo feeling guilty about him or Alex. He knew he always would, but he wanted to spare his children this pain, and it was no wonder that Judith would want to absolve her daughter too. “Has your guilt lessened?”

“My guilt for what happened to Keith?” She asked, and he just nodded slowly. “Sometimes. I have good days, where I accept everything, but I have days where I’m furious and days where I’m devastated and days where I would give anything to have him back.” That sounded familiar, though he went through the cycle hourly. “They make you think that the stages of grief are a story, one after the other… but that isn’t actually how it works.”

“You can say that again.” He mumbled, not wanting to admit that he felt all of that, that he knew exactly what she was saying and why she was saying it. It wasn’t what he wanted.

“Just hold your children close, let out distractions, and focus on moving on rather than letting the anger rule.” That advice was something that he had maybe needed 11 days ago, but it was better late than never. “I need to go and find Seth again, he’s joining Kendra and I for dinner. Thank you for speaking to me, Mr President.”

“Thank you for coming, Mrs Daynes.” He tried to sound sincere because he was. But he was also still torn between anger and annoyance. He didn’t really know how to process any of this, but he was going to try. If only so that he wouldn’t add the pressure to his children. He wasn’t sure what speaking with Judith would teach him, but he didn’t think this conversation would fade from his mind for a while.


	14. Day Twelve

**_January 6th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

She hadn’t thought about how therapy would go, it hadn’t been something that she’d never actually needed to think about before so she had been nervous when she opened the door and kissed Seth as he headed out to speak to Lyor, or whatever else he was going to be doing this morning. They’d then made coffee and they’d spoken about how it would work, then she’d just been prodded into talking about what it was that was on her mind. 

At first, she’d been hesitant to actually talk, she’d spoken instead about Seth, and Lyor, and about her mother. She avoided the other things that she was thinking about, but then he asked about the last few days and how she’d been, and that had been all it took to get the floodgates to open again. She couldn’t really think about how to move past what happened if she didn’t talk, but until that moment she hadn’t wanted to burden anyone else with the tumultuous emotions in her mind.

Then she remembered that this man was literally going to be paid for listening to what was in her mind. She made sure that she didn’t reveal anything that was classified, but she knew she had to get everything else out. She tried to focus immediately on the accident, she approached it clinically at first but it soon strayed, and she felt ended up curled up, holding her knees to her chest. By the end of the hour she was exhausted, but at the same time, she felt lighter than she had for a while. 

Kendra had no idea when Seth would be back, but she also didn’t want to fall asleep with no guarantee to wake up before she slept far too long. So instead she went around her apartment taking down all the Christmas decorations. She wondered if maybe taking them down would also help with the reminders. It was going to be a hard time of the year every time, but she wasn’t going to focus on that. She was instead reflecting on what she was told, and how she was told that she needed to try and focus herself on the present. 

She was making another mug of coffee when she heard the key in the door and smiled as Seth came through the door. He kissed her cheek and went to put his bag down in the bedroom. For a moment Kendra wondered if he’d found more clothes to bring over, but she was quickly distracted when Seth spoke, grabbing the coffee she’d just made and making her grab another cup for hers. “How did it go?” 

“Well, I think.” She had no idea how to know whether it actually went well or not, but she felt like she had an idea of what she needed, and they had made another appointment for the following Saturday, so she hadn’t scared him away. She was more interested in what Seth had been doing. “I then took decorations down since it’s twelfth night. What did you do?” 

“I went and cleaned some stuff up at my apartment.” For a moment Kendra had to scratch her head before remembering that Seth did actually have his own apartment, not that she’d been there since they got together, or that he had spent any time there in… well, months. She thought that all his clothes were here.

It was that thought that led to her saying something that she hadn’t really thought through. “You should just move in here.” She didn’t realise that that had fallen out of her mouth until she actually realised what she’d said. They had already decided to try to have a baby, would living together really be all that much of a change.

“Wait, what?” Seth paused with what he was doing too and that made her realise that maybe he hadn’t realised how little he went back to his apartment. She hadn’t noticed until right now either. It felt like the perfect time for them to do this, and for the first time since Christmas, she could say that this wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to what had happened. 

“Seth… even before Christmas, you were here every night, you have been since my birthday.” She pointed out then paused to let him think it over, only when the look of realisation crossed his face did she continue speaking. It was clear that he hadn’t thought about this, but after almost two months they could live with each other without having to worry. “We already live together, you just still pay rent on somewhere you never stay. All your stuff is here, even your pictures of your parents.”

“You know… you’re not wrong.” He said slowly, coming back to the kitchen where she was still leant against a counter watching him. He then stopped in front of her and smiled as he thought it through further. “I think I’ve been slowly moving in as long as we’ve been together.” It had never been a plan, but she lived closer to work, so it had just been logical.

“I think you have too.” She laughed a little then took the opportunity to pull him closer and kiss him softly. Kendra had never lived with a partner before, in fact, she hadn’t lived with anyone since was 22 and she’d rented this apartment with her parent’s help. But she knew that this was right, and it would be a good test for them to see if it being official would change anything between them.  

Seth was obviously thinking about something else, but she didn’t know what. His head was tilted into his thinking pose and Kendra wondered what it could possibly be that was making him think quite so hard. “Do you think Lyor will mind?” He eventually asked quietly, but Kendra couldn’t see how he would be upset by this.

“I think Lyor will just be happy that we’re happy.” She was sure of that. Lyor may be part of their dynamic right now but he was nowhere near ready for commitment, even something quite benign. Kendra would let it come about naturally with him too. “He’s not… where we are yet, you know that. He’ll get there if it’s meant to be, but he deserves his own space too.” She was thinking of what else to say but they were interrupted by Seth’s phone.

“Hang on, it’s Emily. I’ll put her on speaker.” If Emily was calling them on a day they had off then it was for some reason that they were all going to hate. Kendra felt Seth’s free arm wrapping around her as they both looked at the phone “Hey, Em.” He said, not telling her she was on speaker.

“ _ Have you got Kendra? _ ”

“I’m right here you’re on speaker, what’s wrong?” Now she knew there was something extremely wrong. Emily sounded stressed beyond belief and that really wasn’t a good sign. She looked at Seth for a second as they both waited for Emily’s response. Listening to the background noise told them that the White House was full of activity. 

“ _ Your leave is rescinded. I need you both in now. _ ”

“What’s happened?” Seth asked, and Kendra frowned too. She felt him squeezing her softly. She knew that he was just trying to support her in the way that he could. They didn’t need to speak as they both started moving to the bedroom where they could change into more professional clothes.

“ _ A disaster. See you in half an hour. _ ”

They were unceremoniously hung up on, and Kendra just stared at the phone with her skirt in her hand. “Sounds serious.” She commented, resisting the urge to look at the news. She knew that Seth would do that while she drove them in, so they would at least know what they were heading into when they got there. She was nervous about going back to work, but she could do it. 

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had Aaron and Lyor in his office. Somehow Aaron had decided that his office was too far away for this situation, and Lyor just preferred to be with other people before Senior Staff, but it meant that Seth was trying to strategise while being spoken too, and that was not always something that he could do very well. “Seth, what were you doing when you were called in?”

“Kendra and I were just watching TV. You two?” Like hell was he telling them they were talking about moving in together. Watching TV was plausible. He was sure that it was going to come up, he wanted to tell his friends, but he didn’t want anyone to feel guilty for calling them in in the middle of that discussion. 

“Cleaning my apartment,” Lyor mumbled, and that made Seth think about how that was what had lead to Kendra asking him to move in. He had to admit that most of what his cleaning had been was opening his bills and other mail, that should have been the first hint that maybe he didn’t spend any time there at all. 

“Watching the football.” Aaron, of course, was the one of them that was doing something that would have involved yelling at the TV, he probably enjoyed that. It would have probably stressed Seth out at this point though. He spent too much time with reporters to enjoy anything but the crappy crime procedurals that Kendra liked to argue with. She did it quietly and in a very lawyer-esque way.

“How did this morning go?” Lyor asked, and for a second Seth couldn’t remember if they’d told Aaron, but given that the whole White House had known that Kendra needed some help, so it probably wouldn’t have been all that much of a surprise to anyone at all that she had had therapy. 

“Well, she didn’t talk about it much but… she did ask me to move in.” In a way, he wished he was being purposefully vague, but Seth had felt like Kendra wasn’t ready to talk about it, so turning the conversation to asking him to move in was a nicer idea. “Well, more pointed out that I’ve been living there for two months without anybody planning it and still playing rent on somewhere I haven’t slept since November.”

“Great, I’m happy for you both, hang on. Em!” Aaron looked up seeing Emily a little ahead of them and he ran ahead to catch up with her, slowing her down a little so they could catch up easier. 

Seth decided to take that as his opportunity to speak to Lyor and find out his stance on it all. He wanted to know that he wasn’t going to be bothered by it, especially since the invitation wasn’t for both of them. Seth knew that Kendra was right, but he still wanted to make sure, and he couldn’t explain why. “You okay with that?”

“I’m going to be honest, I kind of thought you and Kendra already lived together,” Lyor admitted deadpan. Seth, therefore, wasn’t sure exactly how serious he was about that. Especially since, unlike Kendra, Lyor had been to Seth’s far more often. So how he hadn’t known that Seth had his own place was making the doubt rise.

“You’ve been to my apartment?” He asked, deciding to just press that point. Sure, it had only been two months since he’d started moving things over, and only three since he and Kendra had started dating themselves. It was going fast, but Seth didn’t really mind. As long as everyone was comfortable he would hand his notice in on the apartment in the morning.

“I assumed it was just for show,” Lyor said again, and that confirmed that it really wasn’t just Lyor’s weird sense of humour, he had legitimately thought that Seth had already been living with Kendra and was just keeping an apartment for appearances. “In my defence, I’ve been part of this for six weeks and I’ve never known you to sleep there.” Had Seth slept there in the last six weeks? It had been almost 4 months since Kendra had joined the staff, they’d started dating a month later and after that, he had barely been at his apartment. He and Kendra were both very tactile people, and they liked to share a bed. “You don’t expect me to move in too, right?” Lyor asked extremely quietly as they caught up to Emily and Aaron, neither of them wanting to discuss that just yet.

“No.” He wasn’t going to say anything further while the others could see and hear, so he decided to change the topic to the other thing that was pressing on his mind. He knew Kendra needed therapy, knew she needed help, and while she’d said she was ready he was still afraid that he was pushing her too far and too fast. “I’m not pushing Kendra too far with this therapy, am I?”

“Absolutely not, she needs it,” Lyor said instantly, and that made Seth feel a little better. Other than Judith, who had saved his ass the day before, nobody knew had bad Kendra had gotten better than Lyor. He’d been there almost as much as Seth, and he had been the one who dealt with her middle-of-the-night breakdown thirty-six hours earlier. Seth had managed to sleep through it all.

“She really does,” Aaron said a second later, causing both Seth and Lyor to just stare at him for a second. They knew that everyone was aware of what was going on, but hearing another opinion was a surprise that Seth just hadn’t quite been ready for “Hey, I have an opinion too. I’m sure Emily would if she wasn’t too busy attached to her phone to listen.”

“Emily, you called us all in?” Lyor prodded, clearly thinking that it was going to be much easier to try and convince Emily to speak right now than to let her keep going alone like this. They rounded the corner nearest the Counsel’s office and Seth couldn’t help but smile as he saw Kendra stepping out of it and falling into step with them, sliding her hand into his as she did. “Hey, Ken.”

“Pick-up meeting or are we just all walking to Senior Staff at once?” Kendra asked, and Seth had to smile hearing her trying to make a joke. It was a little half-hearted but it was better than the silence that they normally dealt with. Seth would have to tell her later that he’d told Aaron and Lyor about their new living arrangements. 

Aaron smiled seeing her too and clapped a hand on her shoulder. Seth had never managed to have a relationship where his friends actually approved of his girlfriend before so this was quite a big deal for him. None of them had spoken that much to their friends outside of the White House since they had become the senior staff. Generally, their positions just didn’t give any of them the time for socialising. “Are you back with us?”

“Apparently.” Kendra smiled and reached up to squeeze Aaron’s hand on her shoulder, squeezing Seth’s at the same time. As they approached Emily’s office Seth was sure that there was going to be some sort of emergency that was going to stop them from having these nice conversations and was instead going to be pushing them into emergency management mode. Well, it had been a nice twelve days. “Hey Aaron, it is good to be back.”

“Good to have you back, Kendra.” Emily interrupted and opened the door, watching them all file in. Seth went last, still holding Kendra’s hand softly, but when they got in he let it drop so they could get comfortable around the office like they usually did. “Alright, here’s what’s going on.” Emily started as soon as they were settled, and for the rest of his life, Seth would always be able to say that he wasn’t at all prepared for what he was about to hear. 

What had happened in California was horrific, and watching not only the media coverage that was now starting up but also the more federally owned information coming in made it all harder to bear. He was going to not only have to work out something for the President to say about this, but he was also going to have to approach the Press and tell them that they were doing everything that they could. His mind started drifting to the press strategy while Kendra and Lyor quietly bickered about the legal and political approaches.

He was still thinking to himself when Emily spoke, sounding unsure for the first time that Seth thought he could remember. “Do I tell the President?” It was an interesting question, and Seth knew that they had all been tiptoeing around him since Christmas. Kendra’s enforced leave had shown them all why, but he didn’t think there was anything else that could be done. Entire communities affected, this was nothing short of a disaster. 

“I don’t see how you can’t,” Aaron said first, thinking along the same lines as Seth. How would they manage a disaster of this scope on home turf without getting him involved? “This isn’t something we can handle, Emily. He needs to be here with us for this.” It was a good thing to press, but given the look on her face, Emily was still hoping that there was going to be a way to leave him out.

“I have to agree,” Kendra spoke up, and Seth knew that she occasionally held the deciding vote. She didn’t even know that, but her legal position generally meant they were going to bow to her thoughts, especially with something that could almost certainly land them in hot water if it went wrong. “There is no precedent, none, for the staff to do this without the President.”

“We can’t use the VP?” Lyor pressed, and that would normally have been a great idea, but Seth knew that those who had been on staff when Peter MacLeish had been around were not especially enamoured with the position of Vice President right now. It was probably why they largely kept it going as two entirely different office s that only interacted when they actually had to.

“Unfortunately not.” Kendra shook her head as she kept pushing. It was right, Seth knew that, but he was going to stay quiet until he had to say something. His job was dealing with the press, not figuring out how this would be best brought up to the President. “Emily you have to do it. This is your job.”

“You’re all right, I know you are.” Emily sighed, clearly not happy about it but knowing they weren’t going to let her run away from what she’d been trying to avoid. Seth wanted to help the President, but that didn’t necessarily mean that they hid something as serious as this from him. Emily shook herself off and then looked around at them. “Oval in fifteen, Seth tell the press we’ll have a statement in thirty.”

“I can do that.” He agreed readily, that gave him thirty minutes to figure out what the White House was going to say about all of this. He hoped that at the very least it was going to be something simple, he wanted to straddle the line of what it was going to be acceptable to say before they knew what was happening and the outcome. 

Emily had already moved on, clearly just focusing on what it was that she needed to be telling everyone to do before they brought the President down and got him caught up. “Kendra, you and Lyor need to be on the phone to every legal representative of emergency management in California before we’re back together.” 

“We’ll be on it, don’t worry,” Kendra answered confidently, and Seth wondered how it seemed that she was already ahead of this, then he realised that she had been in her office and had no doubt seen the breaking news and gone into crisis mode. That actually explained why Lyor had been checking his phone. “Lyor’s already placed party calls and I’ve been on with the Red Cross and FEMA. I actually have my FEMA guy due in my office any minute.”

“Go!” Emily yelped and at that Kendra jumped up and headed out the office, no doubt to do whatever it was that legal would be doing. Seth made a mental note to ask Kendra about it, as that was one part that he wasn’t clear about. “Aaron… you know what you need to do.” With all of their tasks handed out, Emily dismissed them, at which point Seth needed to put his game face on. “See you all in fifteen.”

* * *

***Tom***

Twelfth Night had always been a strange tradition to Tom, though he also understood it. He had always been told that that was Epiphany and the day that Christmas ended. He had made it a tradition with Alex that they all got together to take the decorations down, and Tom had tried to keep it this morning, though it had ended with all of them crying at one time or another. Leo had helped them finished then locked himself away in his bedroom, practising on the drum kit that they had gotten him. Tom was grateful that Leo’s bedroom was the other end of the residence. Penny, on the other hand, had gotten clingy and didn’t want to leave Tom alone. It was nice to have this again. “Dad, can you help me with my math?” 

“Of course I can, little Pea.” He wasn’t going to pass up any time he got to have with his daughter, and he always wasn’t going to think about what else was going on that he couldn’t control. His life was getting easier if he just turned everything off and trusted his staff to manage things. Especially if it meant that he got to be with Penny. “What are we doing?”

“Here look.” Penny handed him the book, and Tom sat with her going through the sums on the page. She hadn’t really needed his help, she got every problem right, but Tom appreciated it. He wasn’t sure if she was humouring him or if she knew that he wanted to be more involved. Whichever way it was she seemed to have enjoyed her time.  “Thank you, daddy.”

“Anytime, sweetheart.” He smiled and kissed her cheek softly, wrapping her up in his arms for a second and giving her a squeeze. He still felt a little bad that he hadn’t been there enough for her, so he was going to try and make it up to her, and to Leo. “I love you,” Tom said, looking up and seeing Emily hovering on the threshold, clearly deciding to let him have a few more seconds with his daughter before she took his attention away.

“Love you too,” Penny said, kissing his cheek too then squirming off his lap and skipping away around the sofa. Tom didn’t even have it in him to tell her to be careful, he was just made to feel better knowing that she could still be happy, even if he couldn’t muster up the same emotion. “Hi, Emily.”

“Hi, Penny. Sir?” Emily’s voice shook as she spoke, and that was once again a sign that something was very, very wrong. She wasn’t normally this nervous to bring anything to him, but he knew that he had been quite the loose cannon recently. Maybe it wasn’t a surprise that she was worried about distracting him. 

“Emily, what’s wrong?” He just asked the most obvious question. He already knew that whatever it was, it was going to be a fiery return to work. No matter the situation it was going to be hard and he had barely been in the office. Going back to full duty so suddenly was going to be a strain on him too. It would be like the first days of his presidency again, only this time he hoped he wouldn’t have Alex there to help him.

“California, you’re needed in the West Wing.” There were no other words needed, he shouted to Leo and Penny that he’d be down in the office and followed Emily, listening to her as she filled him in on what had happened there. After the fires in December he had known that something else happening was possible, but he’d been hoping against it. Oh how desperately he’d been hoping against that. 

When he got to the office he looked at the progress that the Senior Staff had made already. He was grateful that Emily had seen fit to recall Kendra, and if he was asked Tom would admit that letting his anger take control had been uncalled for. He still didn’t know if he was going to be as angry when he saw her, but he knew it was a possibility. Whatever it was he was going to have to try and push it down.

They had all done good work, and when they all stepped into his office a few minutes later Tom didn’t need to ask where they were. All he needed to do was know what they had learnt since their last meeting. Kendra, Lyor and Aaron were the ones who had been dealing directly with California, so he addressed his first question to them. “How likely is this to get worse?” 

“Increasingly, sir. State officials have given an evacuation zone.” Aaron answered first, but both Kendra and Lyor were nodding along, clearly having had the same conversations. An evacuation zone was a great start but Tom had a feeling that there were other things going on. 

“Mandatory?” He ended up asking, looking at the file that Kendra handed to him. He still felt the same simmering resentment that she was stood there and Alex wasn’t, but it was a lot easier to ignore it in the face of an emergency. He also knew that he was going to have to work on that, as he had no reason to put her back on leave, even if he wanted to.

“Right now it isn’t, but I’m thinking you should take over and make it mandatory,” Lyor spoke this time, and once again everyone else was nodding. Tom was still listening and nodding along as he read Seth’s first statement. It was good, and it would definitely show that his administration was paying attention.

“The Governor has asked for you to federalise the national guard to assist,” Aaron added to Lyor’s point, and that was something that he wasn’t sure if it was time to do. It would be easier in other situations, but this one could be risking more lives. That was the point though, wasn’t it? He had never had to deal with natural disasters on this level.

“What are my other options?” He asked the room at large while still reading the file he’d been handed. When there was no answer coming forward immediately he looked up and figured he was going to have to prompt someone. Given that this was a legal point he wanted to push Kendra for her answer. She was the best one to answer this, really. “Kendra?”

“Right now there are none sir.” She said it plainly, and Tom was grateful to see that she didn’t shrink away from telling him the truth. If she had done that she would have lost all usefulness and he would have had to ask for her resignation. After a moment she came up to the desk and turned the file back a few pages to her beautifully filled out list of what was going on. “Legally until the point you declare it a disaster everyone is doing all they can.”

“I declare it a disaster then what?” This was more a political question, and unspeakingly Kendra stepped back to allow Lyor to come in. Even while Tom was battling his annoyance at the lawyer he had to admit that her wordless ability to know exactly what other members of staff were going to do was enviable.

“Same as hurricane or earthquake responses sir,” Lyor explained handing him another sheet of paper. One that Tom felt he’d already seen. He had, but not for this crisis, for other ones that had come across his desk. Nothing like this since the bombing almost a year ago. “The federal government gives all the support it can to the state.”

“So ordered.” He couldn’t not order that, not really. There was so much that he still needed to do. “What’s next?” He asked, ready to listen to the advice of those who were in touch with people on the ground, and Aaron had probably been through more of these situations than anyone else in the room. He knew that he needed to listen to him, and take the advice of others. It was the only way to survive today.


	15. Day Thirteen

**_January 7th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra wasn’t really sure what it was that was pissing her off right now, but everything was annoying her. Normally she loved it when Seth and Lyor came to work in her office, but right now they were bugging her too. It was probably because she had been awake for 30 hours straight now and had barely taken a break. She opened the next file and realised that it was not what she’d asked for, and even if it was, it wasn’t in the right order or how she liked it. She knew it was because she was so tired, but she was still annoyed. “I’m going to kill Jamie Torres.” She grumbled, almost forgetting that Lyor was in the room.

“Isn’t he your assistant?” He asked, seemingly not realising that was a dangerous question. Kendra wasn’t sure if she’d had to pull an all-nighter since coming to work in the White House, but she felt like she probably should have warned those she worked with how foul she could be if she didn’t get any sleep. “What did he do?” Lyor continued, even while Kendra glared at him.

She didn’t actually know how to say that her file was wrong and that she didn’t really know what to do about it other than ask for the right file. “Just generally deserves it.” She grumbled, standing up this time and walking to her doorway. She called out of it hoping that this time it would be right. “Jamie, can I have the file? The right file this time, done how I like it. Hey babe.” She smiled as Seth stepped up to her door and narrowed his eyes looking at her. 

“Did you even sleep last night?” Seth asked, and Kendra wondered how it was so obvious to him that she was cranky while Lyor had just been ignoring her foul mood, or contributing to it. Actually, the more she thought about it the more she realised Lyor probably did know about her mood when she didn’t sleep and had been trying to bait her, it would stop her taking it out on anyone else.

“I would be lying if I said yes.” She decided that that would be simpler than straight up admitting it. She went back to her desk and slammed the wrong file shut. She wouldn’t need this one until Monday at the earliest, but possibly not until Tuesday if this kept going. The emergency was always going to take precedence, and that meant her usual work was going to have to be on hold another day.

“Ken, you are the worst person to work with when you haven’t slept,” Seth commented with a chuckle and it earned him the same glare that she had had been saving for Lyor. He didn’t seem to be phased either, and there was a part of Kendra that thought it was sweet that her boyfriends weren’t at all intimidated by her bad mood.

“Worst person to live with too I bet,” Lyor commented and Seth turned to glare at him this time. Kendra realised that this was going to be the thing that made her want to murder them both, and was probably going to be something they all needed to talk about one day about how baiting her on no sleep was a pretty terrible idea.

“Lyor, not helping!” Seth exclaimed though Kendra could still hear the hint of amusement in his voice, and that wasn’t really helping her feel less mad at him. She didn’t really understand why they were just making her want to stab him. Alright, maybe she was more tired than she wanted to admit, and she guessed that Seth could tell that she was that exhausted too. “Kendra, baby. Have a nap. I’m begging you.”

He could beg all he wanted, and she may be looking at the sofa that Lyor was sitting on thinking about how comfortable it was, but she didn’t need to go to sleep. She would push through until everyone else was able to go home too. “I don’t need to sleep. You haven’t slept!” 

“Yeah, you do and we all slept in the night, everyone took it in turns,” Lyor explained, and of course they did, that would explain why Seth seemed so cheerful, he was possibly worse than her if he didn’t get any sleep. She should have known that somehow they would have managed to get some sleep. “Come on Ken, I’ll leave your office.” Lyor leaving her office right now was a plus point that was hard to argue against, if only because she didn’t really want to face a murder charge.

“One hour, then you better wake me.” She grumbled, absolutely certain that she’d only be woken up when she was needed if she didn’t actually tell them why she had to be up in an hour. It was going to be another long day so they were right, a power nap seemed like a great day. “I have a meeting with the FEMA director.”

“I’ll come and wake you, Ken, I promise.” Seth smiled and leant down to kiss her softly. A second later Lyor repeated the action and Kendra just grinned a little to herself as she settled down. As soon as she pulled her blanket over her she was sound asleep. She was as tired as she’d thought she was and she shouldn’t have fought sleep this long.

She managed another nap after her meeting with the FEMA director, and she’d even managed to change her clothes and brush her teeth. She felt like a new woman and it helped make her more patient. Given that she was then called into another meeting with the Senior Staff that was probably a good thing, and she just smiled and nodded to Seth and Lyor, letting them both know that they were safe again. The meeting showed that the immediate issues seemed to be over, but that it wasn’t totally over yet. “I think we should arrange a trip out to the disaster zone.” The President suggested, and Kendra had to wonder about how the others would feel about that.

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, sir.” Emily clearly didn’t want to think about taking the President out to a disaster zone right now, but it did make political sense to go. Kendra was only here for a legal opinion, and there was no legal question here so it was going to be easier if she stayed quiet here. 

“No, no that’s a great idea.” Lyor was, of course, the one to think about taking them all, Kendra wasn’t so sure about that but she’d go if she was wanted. “Go out there, to one of the shelters. Take the whole senior staff.” Wait, what? All of them. Kendra had assumed the President would pick one or maybe two to go with him and Seth, but she hadn’t been expecting all of them. 

“Why all of us?” She asked before she could stop herself, but it was clear that she wasn’t the only one that was thinking that too. Maybe some of it was that people didn’t really want to go and detract from the work going on down there, but at the same time she could see the logic, but she wanted to know Lyor’s reasons.

“A show of unity from a seemingly divided White House,” Seth said, and Kendra momentarily wondered if he and Lyor had planned for this eventuality. It seemed like too fast of an answer for something that he to think of right there on his feet. “Sir, putting Kendra on leave and how little you’ve been since Christmas has… made people question whether your staff still have your trust.” 

The President didn’t seem all that impressed with that though, and Kendra watched his arms crossing over his chest. “We shouldn’t be playing politics with people’s lives.” That was a good point too, and Kendra was so torn about it, she agreed with Seth and Lyor, but she also agreed with the President. It was a thin line.

“Sir, I don’t agree with Lyor’s reasoning but I do agree with what he’s saying,” Aaron spoke up, and as the person in the room with the most experience Kendra was sure that his thoughts were going to be important. “Since the First Lady’s death, there have been a lot of press questions about the White House staff and how we’re all coping.”

“You think it would be a good idea?” The President asked, and even Kendra found herself nodding along with the others. Maybe there were other issues that would be more pressing, but if she was honest she knew that this was important. She felt like it might be an important turning point for her and the President too. Maybe they both needed to see what other people were going through. 

“Going and connecting to constituents who are afraid, who may have lost everything. It’s a great idea,” Seth spoke first, and Kendra actually was a little surprised at how passionately he spoke about this trip. “On top of all that it’s just a nice thing to do.” Nobody would be able to argue against that point, and Kendra just caught his eye and smiled at him. She was quite proud of him for that one. Everyone went quiet and let the President think it through, waiting for his decision.

“I’m not going to make it mandatory for senior staff, but I would like you all there. Make the arrangements.” He said it a little haltingly until he ordered for it to be arranged. The whole staff took that as a sign of dismissal. Kendra got up and stood beside Seth, waiting for the others to filter out when she was stopped by her name. “Kendra, can you wait.”

“Yes, sir.” She stopped and squeezed Seth’s arm, feeling him stopping beside her. She knew that he wouldn’t want to leave her given how many problems she had had with the President recently. She would just reassure him that she’d be fine and see him when she was done. “I’ll come to your office after.”

“Alright.” He nodded and left, but only after squeezing her arm in return. Kendra then squared her shoulders and shut the door after Seth. This wasn’t something that she was looking forward to doing, but she couldn’t exactly avoid the President, and maybe getting it out in the open now was a good idea.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth could hardly take his eyes off of Kendra as they filed into the Oval Office. Given that he’d just woken her up from what he was assuming was a second, very short, nap she hadn’t had time to really not look like she’d been asleep. She’d stopped on the way here to brush her teeth, and she must have changed suits between naps because at least that looked cleaner. Her hair was messy and Seth thought she looked beautiful. His focusing on Kendra did mean that he missed the start of the meeting, but rapidly the President managed to bring his attention back. “I think we should arrange a trip out to the disaster zone.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, sir.” Emily was opposed, and in Seth’s mind, that was unsurprising. Seth had been planning on suggesting it during this meeting anyway, but it seemed that the President had beaten him to it. Surely he couldn’t be the only one who thought that it was a good idea. A quick study of the other faces in the room told him that Aaron and Lyor at least agreed, while Kendra’s face was carefully neutral.

“No, no that’s a great idea.” Lyor countered after a beat, speaking in his usual emphatic fashion. Whether he’d thought this through before or not Seth didn’t know, but Lyor’s plan seemed to be thorough. His mind worked so fast that he didn’t have to plan anything though, so Seth was always going to be in the dark. “Go out there, to one of the shelters. Take the whole senior staff.”

“Why all of us?” Kendra asked, and there was a slight hint of trepidation in her voice. Seth could think of any number of reasons that that could be, but he wasn’t going to ask them. He knew why Lyor would want them all to go though, there were a lot of rumblings about how the President had lost faith in his senior staff, and they all wanted to counteract them. The staff themselves knew that it was shit, but the opposition on both sides of the aisle would jump on it.

“A show of unity from a seemingly divided White House.” He spoke up, this was his wheelhouse, and he was the one who was supposed to make sure that they were all aware of public relations issues. This would count, so he turned to the President and spoke directly to him. “Sir, putting Kendra on leave and how little you’ve been since Christmas has… made people question whether your staff still have your trust.”

“We shouldn’t be playing politics with people’s lives.” Tom crossed his arms over his chest as he spoke, and Seth knew what he meant. All Seth had commented on there was why the whole staff should go, he hadn’t explained why he wanted them to go. Lyor’s gentle nods of agreement were clearly enough to convince everyone that Seth had just been verbalising Lyor’s thoughts. 

“Sir, I don’t agree with Lyor’s reasoning but I do agree with what he’s saying.” Seth was quietly thankful that Aaron spoke next, as he hadn’t wanted to try and defend Lyor’s position while explaining his own. Aaron was also the one who had been on disaster trips before. “Since the First Lady’s death, there have been a lot of press questions about the White House staff and how we’re coping.”

“You think it would be a good idea?” Tom asked, and Seth looked around again to see what people were thinking, not that their expressions really gave anything away. Emily was clearly still opposed to the whole idea, everyone else was just stoney-faced and quiet. The longer they waited the harder it was going to be to say something, so Seth took a deep breath.

“Going and connecting to constituents who are afraid, who may have lost everything. It’s a great idea.” Seth could be passionate about this if he tried, mostly because he thought that it was the right thing to do. They were supposed to give hope to the people in this country, and the best way to do that was to show them that the president actually did care when something happened to them. “On top of all that it’s just a nice thing to do.” 

After a few seconds, The President just sighed then nodded. “I’m not going to make it mandatory for senior staff, but I would like you all there. Make the arrangements.” They all recognised a dismissal when they heard one. Seth waited until others were ahead of them, just so that he could give Kendra’s hand a squeeze, but they were stopped before they could. “Kendra, can you wait.”

“Yes, sir.” Kendra squeezed his arm as she stopped and turned. Clearly, she knew that he was going to hesitate after that. He wasn’t sure how good it was going to be leaving her alone with the President, given that he was a large source of her recent anxiety, but he couldn’t exactly say that out loud. “I’ll come to your office after.” She assured him, and that made her feel a little better.

“Alright.” He squeezed her arm back and frowned a little. He didn’t want to leave her alone like this but he knew he had to. He was also going to have to try and stop his own anxiety from bothering him, so he threw himself into figuring out which of the press were going to be on Air Force One, and who was going in the zoo plane. He made sure that both Lisa and Tiffany were on the zoo plane. 

Seth knew that he didn’t really need to worry but he still was, he was trying to be calm about it. Emily, on the other hand, was not at all calm. She had come to his office and was instead pacing backwards and forwards, clearly waiting on the end of the meeting to go back and speak to the President. “Aren’t you worried about how long it’s been?” Emily paused in the middle of her pacing and looked at him then went back to it. 

“Kendra’s car and apartment keys are in my drawer, so no, if he sends her home she has to find me anyway.” Seth tried to sound more detached than he actually was. Not because he didn’t care, but if he started worrying he wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. It was a lot easier to know that she’d have to find him anyway.

“Oh. Why?” That was a question, and one that Seth shouldn’t have to answer but he would. Hoping that Emily was concerned as their friend, not as their boss. It was hard to separate the two of them, it had been for months now, but even more so since Christmas. It didn’t seem like Emily knew which one she was most days.

“Don’t ask.” He started, but the look on Emily’s face made it clear that she wasn’t going to accept that one and would actually try pulling rank if he didn’t tell her. At least he could say that it was because Kendra was overworking, and not for any other reason. “She hadn’t slept, her nap was interrupted and she’s a terrible person without sleep. Hey Lyor.” Seth tried not to smirk when Lyor stepped into the room.

“Talking about Kendra?” He asked though Seth was fairly sure that it was an unnecessary question. They may know other people who were like that when they hadn’t slept, but none of them were on the President’s staff, and none of them would really be relevant to this conversation. Then Lyor started the next question, which was something Seth hadn’t even thought about. “Think she’s going to go on the trip tomorrow?”

“I think she’ll do whatever the President asks of her.” Seth thought because he honestly didn’t know what Kendra would do if she was actually given a choice. To her, it would be clear, if the President asked her to stay behind she would, and would probably be looking for a new job while they were in California. If he asked her to go she would, and probably feel like they would be able to move past this. “Whatever that is.”

“Will you still go if she isn’t?” Emily asked, and that was another interesting question. One that unfortunately Seth didn’t have a choice in. While everyone else may have had the choice of going, he didn’t. He still didn’t have a deputy, and he wouldn’t trust Lyor to be able to keep the President on message, so he was going.

“I’m press secretary, I pretty much have to. I would be trying to talk to the President on the flight though.” Mostly to find out if he wanted Kendra to leave because that would be what happened if she didn’t go. He was sure that Emily would go, but Lyor was another matter. It would be easier to ask them both. “What about you two?”

“I’d go, I know she could handle the White House for me.” Emily was predictable, though her reasoning wasn’t what Seth had expected. He’d thought that it would be something a lot different than it had ended up being, but it was actually quite a nice vote of confidence in Kendra that Emily believed that. 

So he turned to Lyor and wondered what he would say. “I would probably stay. I don’t want to leave Kendra alone.” Seth felt his smile growing at that, and it made him happy that Lyor was on the same page as he was. He had hoped that Lyor would stay if Kendra couldn’t go. “I don’t think it would be good to do that right now,” Lyor said quietly, and Emily realised that the conversation was drifting away from boss territory and clapped her hands.

“Alright, I’m going to go hurry them up. See you both at the pre-trip briefing, right?” It wasn’t really a question, so neither answered as Emily just retreated out of the office. Seth hoped that that meant that Kendra would turn up in a moment, he was fairly sure that both he and Lyor would be grateful for a few minutes alone with her. 

“She seems to be a little better since therapy,” Seth said quietly when he knew that Emily was out of earshot. It wasn’t the most thoughtful start but Seth just felt confident. Kendra had seemed like her old self in most of the meetings today. Whenever he’d seen her between naps or in the night she’d seemed as in control as ever.

“We’ve been that busy Seth how would either of us know?” Lyor chastised gently, and Seth knew he was just saying that they shouldn’t get their hopes up too high until they knew more and they weren’t in such a crazy situation. “I hope that she comes tomorrow.” Seth wasn’t used to Lyor being the one hoping for things, but they both needed it. 

“I do too. Aren’t you supposed to be working?” He realised that for the first time in a few hours Lyor wasn’t glued to his phone or to the files he was carrying around. How was it that he didn’t have anything at all to do right now. That seemed almost impossible for them both. 

“Nobody is returning my calls right now, so no, nothing to do.” Seth watched and realised that by this point Lyor was as exhausted as Kendra had been when they’d been in her office this morning. It made Seth want to send him to sleep, but once again, Lyor was a step ahead of him. “I’ve done all I can, I’m tempted to go get a nap myself.”

“I’ll come wake you in a couple of hours, or I’ll send Kendra to.” He was almost certainly going to send Kendra to. It would be good for both the people he loved to have a few minutes alone. He just watched Lyor as he stood up and realised what it was they all needed. “Lyor… when all this is over we need a date night.”

“Wherever you want to go.” Lyor smiled back after a second, and that just made Seth grin. He just had to make sure that whatever restaurant they went to had options for both his partners. “You plan it, Kendra and I will turn up and eat.” He joked then pressed a kiss to Seth’s forehead before heading out to his own office. Now that Seth was alone again he needed to stop himself worrying about Kendra’s meeting, he was sure that it was fine. No news was good news, right? 

* * *

***Tom***

The meeting had gone better than he’d expected, though deciding whether or not to take the whole senior staff had made him realise that he needed to talk to one of them before they went on a disaster trip together. He watched his staff beginning to file out of his office and realised that this was the best time for that conversation. “Kendra, can you wait.”

“Yes, sir.” She paused, her hand immediately going to Seth’s arm and squeezing it softly. The same way that Alex would do when he had needed reassuring of something. That wasn’t what he needed to be thinking of the second before he started this conversation, but it was such a painful gesture to him for no real reason. “I’ll come to your office after.”

“Alright.” He didn’t miss Seth returning Kendra’s gesture, and once again Tom was shot back to the early days of his relationship with Alex. He hadn’t really needed to think about that, but Kendra and Seth were so much like them. This situation just had much higher stakes than the situation that he and Alex had been in. Also, to his knowledge, Kendra wasn’t pregnant. There was a difference he should focus on.

Once the door was closed he motioned his arm to the sofa, and he moved around to sit in the chair that was his usual perch when having people for sit-down meetings in here. He was quiet as she made herself comfortable then tried to think of a way to open this conversation. “You and I have a problem, don’t we?” That was awful, but it was a start and he hoped that it opened her up to talking too.

“Sir… before we start this conversation am I going to be allowed to speak freely?” That was a question, and that juvenile, angry part of him wanted to snap at her and tell her no. She was going to listen to what he wanted to say and she was going to agree then she was going to do whatever he told her… But he knew that wasn’t going to help either of them. 

“For this conversation, and only this conversation, I’m not the President, you’re not my lawyer. We’re just two average citizens.” The sensible part of his mind overtook him again. He knew that he needed to keep her onside, not just because of the reasons that Seth had mentioned earlier in the meeting. Kendra was the kind of person he needed on his staff.“So I’ll start it again, you and I have a problem.”

“Yes, yes we do.” She replied, looking at him for a second before averting her eyes. As he watched her for a few seconds he realised that she was trying to find anything that she could focus on that would make it look like she was looking at him, but would really be looking somewhere else. After a minute or two of silence, he heard her speak again, but it was barely above a whisper, and Tom wasn’t sure that she’d meant for him to hear it. “Whenever I look at you I hate myself a little bit more.”

This was time, to be honest, and saying that without getting angry was going to be a challenge, but he knew that she needed to hear it. “Whenever I look at you I hate you too.” He couldn’t help it. He wanted her to be Alex, and he knew that wasn’t fair. The fact that she hated herself actually made him sadder than he wanted to admit. It wasn’t her fault, but that didn’t matter to his emotions, not likely to hers either.

“Well, I’m glad we straightened that out.” She mumbled quietly and then looked at him, catching his eye for the first time in almost two weeks. He hadn’t known how to deal with that until this moment, and her next sentence made him realise that he could keep being angry at her, but that didn’t mean that she needed to stay around and listen to it. If he crossed the line too many times she would leave, and that would be terrible. “Maybe I should go and start packing up my office now. It’s been a good 4 months.”

“Kendra… stop.” He held a hand up because he really didn’t want her to leave, he didn’t want to face her leaving. “You’re a phenomenal lawyer and a fundamentally good person, maybe that is why I am still so conflicted about all of this.” That was the first time that Tom had told anyone that he was struggling with that. If his staff put together all the things he’d said to them he would probably find himself facing some mental health questions, but so far they hadn’t. Or if they had they hadn’t mentioned it to him. “I know none of it was your fault, and I am trying not to be angry at you.”

“But you can’t quite manage it, I understand.” Her words both supported him and added to the guilt that he had. How was she so accepting of everything that he was saying to her and yet still not letting anyone really know how she was feeling. Or at least, not letting him know how she was feeling. He guessed that’s what Seth was for, really. 

The silence stretched out and he had to think about what to say next. Mostly it was that he didn’t want for her to give up something he knew she’d dreamed of because he was an asshole. “I want you to stay on my staff, I want you to come to California with us.” That seemed like it was the best thing he could say to show that he was serious about it. “I’m not going to pretend it will be easy for either of us, but I want us to work through it.”

“Sir, I started therapy and maybe you should think about something like that.” Kendra’s disclosure that she was in therapy took Tom back for a moment. Given how she’s seemed to be so against letting people into her life he wouldn’t have expected her to be the kind who would reach out, but she had and Tom was actually a little proud of her for doing what she needed.

“I’m not sure that I’m there yet.” He admitted a little guiltily. He shouldn’t need to  _ get _ there, he should just accept the help, but he couldn’t. Once again they lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, but it seemed like neither wanted to break it. As it continued to stretch Tom reached his limit and just said the first thing that came into his mind. “If it helps you, I’m glad that it’s working for you, and I’m glad that you clearly have such a strong support system around you.”

“You’d have one too if you let us in, but instead you have pushed everyone away.” Now he felt a little attacked, but he knew that she was right about that too. He wasn’t ready to let anyone else in again either though. He wanted to be able to hold his own before he did that. “We’re all here for you sir, even me, when you’re ready for us.” This seemed like a perfect place to end this discussion.

“Thank you for that. I mean it.” He said quietly wanting and needing to be alone so he stood up and watched as she stood up too and smoothed her dress out. “I’ll see you on the plane in the morning.” He wasn’t really giving her a choice, but he needed for her to come with them tomorrow. 

“Yes, sir.” She just nodded and walked to the door. She didn’t look back when she stepped out, and he realised that she was replaced on the threshold by Emily, and Tom wasn’t ready to see or speak to anyone else. Especially when he was going to have to focus on what it was that Emily wanted him to talk about.

“Give me a moment Emily.” He called out, and when he heard the door shut he picked up a picture of Alex off his desk and knew that she wouldn’t approve of how he was right now. “You’d be so angry at me for treating her like this wouldn’t you?” He said quietly, realising that he needed to start working on getting over all of this.


	16. Day Fourteen

**_January 8th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Oh, how she hated planes, and travelling in general, but especially planes. She didn’t care if they were statistically the safest method of transport, that wasn’t enough for her. They hadn’t even taken off yet and she was mumbling to herself about how much she hated this, and what was worse was that she could feel everyone else’s eyes on her as she did. “Are you afraid of flying?” Seth asked, and Kendra didn’t want to admit it. 

“No…” It was a bold-faced lie but admitting that she was absolutely fucking terrified would be like showing weakness, and she didn’t like doing that. What she really wanted was for them to be focusing on absolutely anyone else. Anything else. She couldn’t imagine how people were comfortable with this. 

“Are you lying?” Seth prodded, and while nobody else was speaking and Kendra had her eyes closed she could still feel them watching her. This was the only reason she could have ever hesitated in coming to work for the President. She had never really flown more than she absolutely had to, and normally she’d drugged herself then. Right now that wasn’t possible for her. 

“Yes, I’m lying.” She hissed and opened her eyes to find that she was indeed correct. Everyone was looking at her. She hated feeling like she was the centre of attention if she wasn’t in control of why they were. She just wanted to the one in control and that was something that flying took away from her.

“How did I never know this about you?” Seth asked with another smirk. She suddenly wanted to stab him to get rid of that smirk, but she knew that it was only because she was unhappy about being on a plane. She knew most of it was because she was a little bit of a control freak at times, and it was something that she needed to learn to control, but that was often easier said than done. 

“How did none of us know this about you?” Aaron chuckled and Kendra threw the ball of paper she’d already created at him, not that it changed how he was laughing. In fact, it just made him laugh even harder about it. Even Lyor and Emily were chuckling now, and she wasn’t coping well with this. At least she could say why they didn’t know about it. She didn’t let them know.

“Because every trip we’ve taken other than by car I’ve gotten out of.” She pointed out, and Kendra had always been very good at getting herself out of things like that. She normally offered to stay and work as the liaison. She hadn’t been able to get out of this one after the president had asked her specifically to come. “I really hate flying, oh I really hate flying.” She mumbled again as the plane turned, making her feel very unhappy about it.

“Kendra… we haven’t even got to the runway yet.” Lyor said, and that was pretty much the opposite of what she had actually needed to hear. She’d somewhat needed to hear that she’d been in some kind of time warp and they were already coming in to land and she didn’t have to worry about flying.

“This does not make me feel any better.” She frowned as she heard the engines starting up and knew that they would be taking off in a minute, as they started speeding up she just continued quietly repeating her mantra to herself. “Oh god, I hate flying.” 

She felt Seth reach over after a few seconds to take hold of her hand. It was something that she appreciated because she really, really hated this part. She remembered Seth mentioning he was occasionally airsick, but he didn’t seem to be bothered all that much right now. “Take my hand, it’ll be fine.” He said quietly, barely audible above the engines. She squeezed his hand as they sped along the runway, bouncing just a little. “Baby I still need my fingers.” He muttered as they finally started climbing and the worst part was over for her.

“Sorry.” Kendra rubbed his hand a little now that she could let it go and breathe a little more. She hadn’t had to worry about anything like this for a long time since she avoided anything that required her flying, but she probably needed to start trying to get better at this, just in case there was something else she couldn’t get out of.

“If I knew you hate flying this much I’d have arranged to have you medicated.” Seth kept his voice low so that only she could hear him with the sound of the engines now. That was something that she could be happy about right now. The engines would cover the majority of her complaints. “We need to do that next time.” Next time. Nope.

“You think there is going to be a next time?” She almost couldn’t believe that Seth thought there would be another time. She didn’t like the idea of being drugged while she was around her colleagues, and more than that she didn’t like the idea of flying anywhere that she could get to by car, but of course that wasn’t how it worked when you worked for the leader of the free world.

“Elections are coming up.” Seth wiggled his eyebrows and Kendra rolled her eyes in response. The lawyer was not necessary for the campaign, and she would likely be better used in the White House than out on the campaign trail. Assuming that they even knew what they were going to go there.

“I’ll volunteer to run the White House again.” She told him, letting her thoughts just come out. She wasn’t going to do this again unless she had to. She had a feeling that Seth would convince Lyor to sit next to her on the return trip. “I’m not doing this again, oh god I’m not doing this again. I’m never doing this again unless I absolutely have to.”

No matter how long she thought about this she was still aware she was on a plane and that she was not going to enjoy it. Two hours into the flight she had clearly driven Seth insane. Her pacing up and down the plane had led to him pulling her into one of the offices and trying to get her to just sit down and take a deep breath. Instead, she was pacing around the room. “Are you ever going to stop?” 

“No, not until we land… and I mean then you have to deal with me during landing.” She didn’t even remember how she was on landing. It had been that long since she’d gone through it before. She was sure that there would be someone out there who remembered, but it wasn’t her. Given how she took it on take-off, she wasn’t putting money on it.

“And four more hours on the flight,” Seth grumbled then reached out and caught her arm while she passed him. “Hey come to me.” He pulled her into his arms and instead of holding her until she calmed down he started kissing her neck.  

“Seth, what are you doing?” She didn’t actually mind that, but she was well aware that they were on a plane with 50 members of the press and almost everyone they worked with. It probably wasn’t great for them to be starting this. Not that she thought they were probably going to stop, that wasn’t really their style.

“We’re the only ones not in the national security meeting in the President’s cabin.” Kendra had codeword clearance, but she wasn’t needed in this kind of a meeting and given how anxious she was nobody had invited her. She was sure Seth had clearance too, but it was likely so that he had plausible deniability until they needed to tell the press. “Therefore we’re alone…”

Kendra was not at all following his thinking, but she probably should be. He was beginning to look far too amused by her confusion, and that was bugging her more than she wanted to admit. “So?” She prompted, hoping that he would say something else that might actually make this conversation make sense.

“That leaves certain places free, and us free to do things in them.” Seth returned and Kendra smirked now that she knew what he was pushing for. That was actually something that might take her mind off the flying, and given they had decided things recently it wasn’t like they needed to think about protection. 

“Are you implying… Sex?” She asked for the clarification just because it was going to be interesting to see how he responded to her asking as though it was a ridiculous idea. She did slightly worry about the fact that someone could walk in on them, but that wasn’t enough to stop her.

“Of course I’m implying sex. Come on, this door locks.” He reached over and slid the lock across and Kendra had to smirk again. This somehow didn’t seem like as much of a bad idea as other things like this often did. She wasn’t really sure what else could be done, so right now she was willing to give just about anything a try.

* * *

***Seth***

His plan had worked, and Kendra was sound asleep back in her chair. He figured that with her lack of sleep and the fact that an hour of activity would tire anyone out he would at least be able to keep her calm until landing. It may have worn him out too, but he wasn’t going to admit that. Hopefully by the time they were flying home they’d all be exhausted enough to sleep. Though of course, the change from ‘nervous wreck’ to ‘sound asleep’ raised a few eyebrows when Lyor came back through. “What did you two do? Actually, I know what you did don’t answer that.”

“How the hell did you know?” Seth exclaimed because he didn’t think that there was only one answer to how he could have possibly gotten Kendra to sleep. There was a doctor on the flight, he feasibly could have gotten her sedated. That might be an idea for the trip back. 

Lyor, however, just smirked as though he was proud of himself for getting Seth flummoxed to that level of confused. Seth just wanted to know how he’d figured out what they’d done. “Kendra is sound asleep and you have that ‘I had sex’ smirk on you. It’s not hard to do the math.” Alright, he probably had a point there. 

“I thought you didn’t want to know when we did that?” Seth remembered that that was one of the things Lyor had said during the discussion about his sexuality, and while Seth still didn’t really understand it as a concept, he knew what it meant and how important it was. It was just going to take him longer to learn. Sex had been entirely off the table, though he was fine with Kendra and Seth being alone together for that, as long as he didn’t know. 

“I don’t but you two don’t hide it well.” Lyor then just smiled and looked over at the sleeping lawyer, and Seth had to admit she did look so very cute cuddled up the way she was right now. Someone had found him a blanket when she’d fallen asleep, and now she had that pulled up over her ears. “Kendra is really  _ that _ afraid of flying, huh?”

“Oh yeah.” He nodded and had to admit that it was an impressive level of phobia. He’d been on flights with people who were afraid, and they tended to be a lot louder about it than Kendra had been, but most bad flyers found other ways around it. Not that Seth really knew, as everyone he knew quite enjoyed flying. Apparently apart from his girlfriend. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as afraid of flying as Kendra.”

“I want to feel sorry for her but I just… can’t.” Lyor burst out laughing again, and that just meant that Seth was laughing too, both of them trying to stifle it so that they wouldn’t wake her and have to deal with yet more of the panic. As the laughter trailed off there was a fond and companionable silence before Lyor looked at his watch then back to Kendra’s sleeping form. “How long has she been asleep?” 

“Almost an hour, your meeting went a long time.” Seth didn’t add that they’d been locked in the office for an hour before that and that he needed to make a note that that office needed cleaning before the plane was next used. He wasn’t going to say way and he thought they left it in a decent condition.

“There is a situation in Colombia. Aaron’s going to brief you and Kendra when we’re ready to take action.” That was something to look forward to, then. He wondered what other fires he was going to be putting out on this trip, though right now it seemed to be fairly calm and quiet. “Was she calmer at least?” He was probably asking about when she fell asleep, though  _ calmer _ wasn’t really the word Seth would have used.

Before he could actually answer there was a laugh and Seth and Lyor turned to see Emily stepping back into the staff cabin and looking around. “Who knocked Kendra out?” She asked, the smirk still on her face. Seth wondered if it was still obvious how, though he hoped not. Things with Emily were often awkward enough without thinking about her reaction to something like that. 

“That would be Seth…” Lyor pointed out, and there was a part of Seth that somewhat wanted the sky to come and swallow him whole, though, there was still another part of him that was really very happy about the fact Lyor was the one pointing it out, and it was said in such a way that it was clear exactly  _ how _ he’d done it. At least nobody had used the words ‘trying for a baby’ yet.

“Alright, I don’t want to know. I  _ really _ don’t want to know.” Emily screwed her face up, and Seth couldn’t tell if it was because it was them or because it was sex that gave her that look, he had noticed that she tended to avoid that subject with everyone though. After a moment of pulling herself together, she looked at him and Seth was fairly sure that wasn’t going to be a good thing. “The President wants to work on some remarks for when we land.”

“Great, I’ll go see him.” Mostly because Seth thought that it was probably going to be easier to deal with the President right now than dealing with Emily in the mood that she’s in. Seth didn’t really want to leave Kendra alone given that she was extremely terrified of flying. “Someone keep an eye on her.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here,” Lyor said, taking Seth’s seat right next to her, pulling a file out and starting to read. Seth watched for another minute then set off to speak to the President. It was extremely busy for all of them, and Seth had managed to work through everything and had managed to say what the President actually wanted to be said. Then, they’d spent some time with Seth explaining how Kendra was coping. Why he was being asked he didn’t know, but he couldn’t exactly refuse to answer the questions of the President. 

When that was all done he went back to the staff cabin, smiling when he saw that Kendra was actually awake again and that she seemed to be much calmer than when she fell asleep. Lyor, Emily and Aaron were all on the other side of the cabin, clearly leaving Kendra alone to wake up, though just from where he stood in the doorway Seth could see that Lyor was paying far more attention to Kendra than to whatever was being discussed. When the announcement they were landing came over he went back to sit in his seat. “Hey, you’re back. You have a statement ready for him?” 

“I do. He was actually asking mostly about you though.” Seth was honest, getting himself settled as Kendra sat herself up, both of them fastening their belts again. Remembering suddenly that Kendra had had a private meeting with the President the night before and he wondered if that was part of what had driven their conversation too. “What the hell did you talk about last night?”

“Mostly about how he wanted to keep me on his staff but that he couldn’t not be angry at me.” The way that Kendra said that as though it was obvious made Seth narrow his eyes. He didn’t understand that, at least not why he was angry at her. He knew why she should stay on staff and the President knew that too, he wouldn’t have offered her the job in the first place if he hadn’t.

Seth just wanted to know why anyone was angry at her. Even living with her and spending almost all of their time together Seth couldn’t successfully stay angry at her for more than an hour. “Why is he angry at you?” He had a feeling it was something to do with Christmas, but that also wasn’t at all fair.

“I lived, Alex didn’t,” Kendra said simply, and she reached over to take his hand at the same time. That was when Seth realised that maybe there was more to what her mother had tried to tell him about her guilt, but he hadn’t seen that himself yet. He knew that it wasn’t going to be easy for them, but it wasn’t a reason to be angry at Kendra. It wasn’t her fault.

“Really?” He just had to know if that was everything. There was just a part of his mind that was refusing to believe the President could be angry at one of his members of staff for something so comparatively petty. “That’s it?” He felt the plane starting to dip and he frowned as he saw the sadness crossing Kendra’s face again.

“I’m angry at myself for that sometimes Seth.” That admission was like a punch in the gut because he just didn’t know how she could think that she wasn’t worth as much as anyone else. “Other than you and Lyor and my mom… I don’t have any other reason to be here...  She had the President and Leo and Penny.” 

“You had plenty of reasons, Ken.” Seth squeezed the hand he still held, and he tried not to imagine what would have happened if it had been her. “I don’t know if I could have made it through if it was you.” He wouldn’t have stayed at the White House, he was sure of that. But he had that option. Given what they were flying into he couldn’t keep thinking about this, so he needed to stop and move on to what else they were going to do. It was a conversation they could revisit in a few days, when they were both in a position to talk about it, and when they didn’t have everyone else around. Though he would want Lyor to be involved. “We’re going to land in a minute.”

“I’ll be okay.” She said quietly, though he saw the terror building up in her face as the plane dropped further. Seth was trying not to laugh at her phobia of flying because that was not kind to her, or really fair. But it was amusing to him. “I have you here and Lyor is sat right over there. I’m fine.” Seth wasn’t sure if she was saying it to herself, so he just squeezed her hand and tried to think about what they would need to do when they got off of the plane.

* * *

***Tom***

The devastation he could see as the plane travelled low over the affected area was worse than he’d imagined. He knew that this wasn’t exactly a pour area, and he was not entirely surprised about that, but still seeing it largely flattened was truly humbling. He knew that he was going to have to think about what else to say in addition to Seth’s carefully crafted words, but he didn’t want to think about that.

Every second he spent on the plane, in front of the press and finally touring the devastated areas. Hearing about what was being done to prevent it getting any worse just brought home how lucky they were that this wasn’t worse. It wouldn’t seem lucky to those who had lost their homes, their livelihoods, and especially not to those who had lost their loved ones.

As he made his statement Tom felt more like he knew what was going on in his mind than he had at any time since Christmas. Everything else had been something that was a distraction, but maybe he could find some healing in what was going on here. Maybe he could see the future in those who were going to have to learn from what had happened here.

It was when they got to the evacuation centre that he knew that he was where he needed to be right now. He spoke to a young woman who had lost her mother, a grandson who couldn’t find his grandparents in the chaos. He promised to get his staff to help them as best he could. He watched his staff fanning out, walking around those here who needed their help most, just spreading a kind word and hoping to put a friendly face on the administration.

As Tom saw his staff he almost smiled. Emily was comforting an elderly man who didn’t seem to know what he was doing, both Seth and Lyor were near each other, talking to couples. Kendra was sat in the middle of a group of children, a baby on her lap, clearly telling some sort of story. Aaron was talking to someone who seemed to be in charge of the centre. It was nice to see them working together as a team. Meanwhile, Tom just listened to Mike’s information and spoke to the people they put in front of him.

This most recent one was a widower, not from the mudslides, but he had lost his home and everything his wife had helped him build. Tom wondered if maybe Mike was trying to tell him something with this one. Tom had forgotten his name, but he thought that there was more importance remembering his wife’s “Can I just say, sir… We were all so sorry about your wife.” Those words out of someone living through a type of hell made Tom freeze and think again about everything that he had gone through recently.

“Thank you.” He said quietly, dropping his head for a second, trying not to picture Alex here, particularly not because she’d be doing exactly what Kendra was doing. Distracting all the children. Instead, he focused on what was right there. “I am sorry to hear about yours. Alice, right?”

“Yes. We were married fifty years.” Nicholas, that was his name. Tom had never gotten if he had a nickname, but since they were speaking one on one he didn’t think he needed that. He was here to listen, to reassure. It wasn’t his job to speak about his own pain. “All of our memories were in that house.” The sadness in his voice once again made Tom take stock of what he’d been going through. This was what he’d needed.

“I’m so sorry.” Tom truly meant it, the first time he’d said those words and meant it in two weeks. Focusing on this tragedy made him feel like he could live through everything that was being thrown at him. If these people could make it through this then he could make it through. “Do you have anywhere to go?”

“My son is coming to take me to live with him in Ohio.” At least Nicholas wasn’t going to be left alone dealing with all of this. He wasn’t going to have to heal alone and that was something that they all needed. He was sure that everyone in this room was going to have some form of support system.

“Ohio is a lovely state. I’m sure you’ll be happy to be back with your son.” Tom thought that if anything happened like this to him in his old age he would probably want to be around Leo and Penny more than anything else. Everything physical was just that. It was replaceable. People weren’t, and that was something that he was learning with going through this situation.

“I will sir.” Nicholas nodded and smiled sadly, and Tom wondered if that weight ever left. He didn’t need to ask about his wife because just like Tom himself, the conversation always went back to her. Probably something that Nicholas hadn’t planned on, but it still happened. “I miss my Alice though. It doesn’t get any easier.”

“So I’ve been told. Do you have any advice?” Judith Daynes’ advice about the fact it didn’t stop being hard as time went on, and hearing a total stranger echoing it, told him that he wasn’t going to know how to deal with this for quite some time, even if he wanted for it to get easier. At least he could hope that he would get better at managing it. 

Nicholas though leant forward and smirked mischievously. That made Tom think that the advice was going to be something profound. When he was actually told though it just brought out a smirk in him too. “Pretend that she’s still going to know about the stupid shit you do. It will stop you doing it.”

“Thank you.” He laughed a little, though it was probably good advice. If Alex knew what he was doing right now he was fairly sure that she would have yelled at him. It was just then that Emily came and put a hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t even realised that the rest of his staff had left what they were doing and gathered near the doors. He patted Nicholas on the shoulder and stood up, going to the front where he was handed a megaphone to address the whole room. “I’m being told that it is time for me to leave, and while I go back to my home, my heart remains here with those of you who have lost yours.” He tried to say it as plainly as he could, that he was going to be thinking of all of those. “You’ll all be in my thoughts tonight, and I’ll be keeping you in my heart.”

When he stepped down he lead his team out and was surprised that it was Lyor who fell into step beside him, though given how emotional trips like this were he shouldn’t have been surprised that Lyor was the one nominated to speak to him first. “Nicely said sir.”

“The truth often is, Lyor.” He smiled and carried on walking, not having time to speak to the people outside. He had already spent too much time here, and it was already almost 9pm back in DC. He needed to call Penny before she went to bed, but he wanted to arrange one more thing. “That man I was just speaking to.”

“Nicholas Tovey, he lost his wife Alice in July.” July? Wasn’t that when Kendra’s father had died too. That month seemed to be the common thread with widows and widowers giving him advice. At least Lyor knew exactly who he was talking about. 

“He has a son in Ohio, that’s where he’s moving. I want a gift basket sending to him with a letter from me. I’ll write it on the plane.” He just wanted Nicholas to know how much his words had actually mattered, and Tom made a mental note to send one Judith too. “Also I want to send one to Kendra’s mother.”

“We can arrange that sir.” Lyor nodded, though it was clear he was confused about why. Not that Tom could blame him for that. It wasn’t going to be clear to anyone that wasn’t the three people involved. “May I ask why?”

“No, you may not.” He didn’t want to tell anyone what the conversations with those two people had taught him, but they would both know, and that would be the important thing. Tom now knew that he needed to make peace with himself before he could start to make peace and accept what had happened. That wasn’t going to be easy, but at least he knew what he had to do.


	17. Day Fifteen:

**_January 9th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

The best thing about waking up this morning was the fact that she didn’t have to get on a plane. The second was that she was warm and cuddled up with Seth wrapped around her. That was when she realised that it was bright outside, and she bolted upright looking at the clock beside her bed and she yelped. It was already nine o’clock. “Shit, we’re going to be late why didn’t anybody wake me up?” She wasn’t really asking that, as it was clear that Seth had been asleep.

“Because you were sleeping and you get mad at me.” Seth mumbled, burying his face into her side, clearly refusing to actually think about the fact that it was daylight and they both needed to get up. “Also I was asleep too.” He kept mumbling, and Kendra felt his lips moving gently against her skin. “We didn’t get in ‘til nearly 4am, I can’t believe Emily would have really expected us at 8am.” 

“Then why do I have a text from her asking where we are?” Kendra didn’t remember putting her phone on silent, but clearly at some point she had. There was also no sign that she’d ever set an alarm, and that worried her a little bit. She needed to just set a daily alarm that would make sure this didn’t happen again.

“Oh. We should go. Where the hell is Lyor?” Seth grumbled sitting up a little then returned to hiding his face, this time he was using her shoulder, and kissing her neck. It took a few minutes for him to continue that thought, and Kendra would admit that she’d been distracted too. “Oh wait, he didn’t stay last night, did he?”

“No, we dropped him off then passed out without alarms, apparently.” She was going to be angry at herself about this for quite a while. It wasn’t like her not to have set an alarm but she was so tired last night that it probably wasn’t all that surprising that something had slipped through the cracks. Especially given the last few days. “We should go to work though.” Kendra needed to try and get herself going, but staying in bed with Seth seemed like a much better idea.

“Ken… you realise this time next week I will officially live here?” Seth mumbled, clearly not really thinking about the fact they should be at work by this point. It was annoying her, but not enough for her to actually stop him. It was amazing that they were actually taking that leap.

“Yeah, I know.” She grinned, turning her head to kiss his forehead. She smiled a little more when he pulled his head out far enough to kiss her deeply. She did love mornings like this, though not so much when they needed to go in to work. “What are you doing with all your stuff?” She asked, mostly because she wondered how he was managing it. They probably should have already spoken about this.

“Most of it is in boxes that can go in the second bedroom here. My furniture was never really mine so that will stay right where it is.” He smiled then went back to kissing her shoulder and neck. This was not going to get either of them ready for work, but Kendra didn’t have the heart to stop him. “I love you.”

“I love you too, but we really need to go to work before we get into more trouble.” It was a halfhearted attempt, and she didn’t even keep trying when Seth bit her neck softly. She knew what he was building up to, and while it was so very tempting she knew that it wasn’t actually something that they had the time to do. “We don’t have time for sex, Seth.”

“How many mornings do we get without Lyor?” He reminded her, and Kendra narrowed her eyes and thought that over. Part of their relationship was that they only had sex when Lyor wasn’t around, and these days that was severely limiting the time that they had. Not exactly conducive to the decision to try to have a baby, so in just those words Seth had won.

“Alright… you make a valid point. We gotta be quick.” She grinned a little and just gave in to what it was that she actually wanted. It was also a much better way to start the morning than panicking about what was going to happen because they were late. Not that she thought it would matter all that much for her.

They were only two hours late in the end, and that was partly because Kendra had driven a little faster than she usually would It had still gotten them a look from security, and no doubt Seth had had to deal with Emily by now, but it was almost eleven before she had Emily in her office. “You were late this morning?”

“Yeah, sorry. Seth and I both forgot to set an alarm last night.” Kendra smiled, and there was a part of Kendra that really wanted to remind Emily that she didn’t answer to her. They were meant to work together to ensure that the politics were all legal and above board, but it seemed like Emily forgot that most of the time.

“Well, that’s not good enough everyone else was here.” There was something in Emily’s voice that put Kendra on the defensive and she wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was the insinuation that she couldn’t even make a simple mistake without it being a huge incident. “Lyor had to do the morning briefing.”

“It’s not the end of the world, Emily. We’re here now, I didn’t have court until this afternoon and Seth will be here to do the afternoon briefing.” Kendra kept her voice even, just not seeing quite why Emily was overreacting like this. “We won’t be late again, I promise.” She had thought that that would be the end of it, but since Emily still wasn’t leaving her office.

“You better not be.” Again the tone made Kendra bristle. She was even less amused when Emily stepped closer and spoke quietly. “Look, I know it’s a hard time for you right now and you’re dealing with a lot of things…” Kendra had already dropped her files and was glaring at Emily because she didn’t like the way this was going. “But don’t drag Seth and Lyor down with you just because you’re an emotional wreck.”

“At least I have emotions.” Kendra spat, but she would admit that that was a little petty. These were the things that Kendra had wanted to say to Emily for weeks but hadn’t brought them out, since long before Christmas, but they fell out. “Why are you getting on my ass about this, Emily. It’s not the first time someone has been a little late after a trip and it’s probably not the last either.”

“I’m reminding you that you have a duty and that the others do too. Don’t make them suffer for your mistakes.” There she was again, making it seem like Kendra was bringing others down when as far as Kendra was aware all three of them were all working to the same level they always had been. Kendra was fairly sure she wasn’t negatively impacting anybody’s work.

“Is this about them both, or is this about Seth?” She asked, still using that calm, quiet voice that always got her so far when she was in the courtroom. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with this and the only way that Kendra could understand this was if Emily had a hint of jealousy. “Get over it, Emily. You don’t care we were a little late. You care we were a little late together.” That was the thing that she was certain of. “Yeah, maybe it’s a little unprofessional that we missing the 8am briefing, which was a little harsh on everyone given we didn’t even get back to DC until after 3am, but at least I’m not being a bitch about it because you decided we had to be here again at 8.”

Emily looked as though she was offended by that insinuation but right now Kendra didn’t care. This was what she did, she called things as she saw them and defended who needed defending. Right now, she was the one who needed it, so she would use her skill to make sure that she was defended fully. “Kendra, it isn’t about that. It’s not persona-”

“Yes it is!” She immediately stopped Emily’s words, not wanting to hear her try to lie her way out of this. This was entirely too much for Kendra right now, and she wasn’t really sure where else this could be coming from. “I’m not a fool, Emily. I know that you kissed Seth, he told me. We’d already been seeing each other for a couple of weeks by then.” Kendra shook her head a little and knew she was possibly going a little bit too far now but she couldn’t stop. “You get close to people then you push them away when they aren’t everything you want them to be. You did it to Aaron, you did it to Seth and now you’re doing it to me. You’re so afraid to feel anything that you don’t let anyone stay close.” She frowned a little more and knew she needed to end this before it blew up any further. “So you can go off at me under the guise of me being late and I’ll apologise for that, but you don’t get to pretend that it’s not personal. Now get out of my office.” She turned away and went behind her desk, and by the time she turned back to the door Emily was gone.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth could not really complain about his morning. The brief dressing down from Emily about being late couldn’t even wipe the grin off his face. For one thing he’d gotten to have sex that morning, not the most common of occurrences in his life even with previous partners. For another he felt like this was a turning point for everyone, though maybe that was just his hope. It was swiftly dashed when Aaron showed up at his office a little out of breath. “We need to get to Kendra’s office, right now.”

“What, why?” Seth was up and stepping out of the doorway before Aaron could even say another word. Given the way that the last two weeks had gone Seth didn’t like hearing anyone say that he was needed in Kendra’s office. Especially not when they had clearly run to get him.

“She’s laying in to Emily about… everything.” That didn’t sound like Kendra at all, so Seth wondered what on Earth had gone on there to push her to that point. Seth wasn’t going to run, because if it meant that Kendra was getting through some things he was sure that she could bring it back once she calmed down. “Hey is it true Emily kissed you?”

“What?” That question threw him off, and he wasn’t sure that anyone knew about that. The only person he’d told was Kendra. He hadn’t even told Lyor about that, as it had been before he’d joined them. He had even only been barely seeing Kendra at that point and he wasn’t sure that Kendra would have told anyone that. “How the hell…?” 

“The office door is open and Kendra is not being quiet.” Oh shit. Hopefully she hadn’t revealed anything else, especially not if the door was open. This was going to be interesting enough to keep quiet in the press, and Seth didn’t like the idea of trying to cover up some of the other things that Kendra could have accused Emily of, though some of them would probably have been true. “At least you never have to worry about anyone else in the White House asking Kendra on a date. The woman is terrifying.”

“Shit.” Seth muttered, and as soon as he saw Carol walking back to his office he was fairly certain that whatever had been happening had ended. Carol would have been one of the first ones who was to witness any kind of gossip-worthy drama. Seth guessed that it was probably something to do with the fact that she was in communications. “Go get Lyor, tell him to meet us in Kendra’s office.”

“Sure.” Alright she looked uncomfortable. Seth had a feeling she was probably picturing that kiss, and Seth wanted everyone to forget that the same way he had been trying to for three months. He was happy with Kendra, though he didn’t particularly want people picturing them either.

He wondered at what point it would be appropriate to ban them all from thinking about it, because that was probably what he was going to have to do to make it so that nobody ever mentioned it to him again. Emily was his friend, but she was nothing more than that, and she never would be. “Don’t picture it, Carol.” 

“I’m trying not too, believe me.” She shook her head and Seth tried not to be a little offended. He didn’t really care that much but he paused anyway waiting for her next comment, which was thankfully showing that she had been listening initially. “You want Lyor? Alright!” Carol hurried back to her desk while Seth continued with Aaron, approaching the part of the building that had the Counsel’s office though hearing it was largely quiet. Jamie, Kendra’s assistant, was keeping his head down and just nodded the two men through.

“Well, the yelling appears to have stopped.” Aaron commented, looking to Seth as though that said something about the mood of the woman who was almost definitely still inside the office. Somehow Seth didn’t want to take that as a given, and so approached quite carefully, Aaron followed him in and looked around. “Where’s Emily?”

“I don’t care.” Kendra still sounded tightly wound, and that was something that Seth was probably going to have to try and work out, but he wanted to first make sure that there wasn’t going to be a need for the FBI and a good defence lawyer for Kendra. He didn’t imagine it could have gone that far without someone noticing. “I really don’t.”

“Ken.” He scolded, hoping that that would be enough to at least get her to say something more than that. Seth didn’t think that he’d ever seen Kendra this angry, truthfully he wasn’t sure that anyone had. She didn’t normally let herself get angry, she normally managed to stop herself before she got to that point. Not tonight.

“I told her to get out and she was gone.” Kendra still sounded dismissive, and that worried Seth more than almost anything else tonight. He knew that there wasn’t much that worried Kendra about her position but that didn’t mean that Emily wouldn’t make things difficult. “She’s not my boss, I answer directly to the President.”

Seth just looked to Aaron and nodded, knowing the other man would go and try to find Emily. He was fairly sure that neither of them had likely expected that a good portion of their work day would be spent dealing with the fallout of personal problems. Though it happened in almost every office, he was sure. “I think that’s besides the point.” Seth said, finally shutting the door and pulling Kendra over to the sofa, hoping that with it just being him she would be honest with his next question. “What happened?”

“She tried laying into me about being late, said something about not dragging you and Lyor down with me because I’m emotional.” Seth narrowed his eyes at that, but as he sat with her she took a few deep breaths and calmed. While he could understand how Emily saying something like that would piss Kendra off he still wasn’t sure that he was getting the full story. Though, some of that could have been that Kendra didn’t actually know what she was saying while she said it. “I’m fine, Seth. You should probably go and smooth over with her. I said some things that I stand by, but I probably shouldn’t have said them in anger.”

“Shouldn’t you be the one smoothing things over?” Seth asked, wondering if he was really right to be pushing this already, but he couldn’t not say anything. He had a feeling that if he just allowed this to continue it would end up worse, but he had long since learnt that pushing either Kendra or Emily too far when they didn’t want to go was a bad idea.

“I think if I did it right now one or the other of us would be handing resignations to the President by the end of the day.” They both looked up as Lyor came around the door then shut it after him. Kendra didn’t try to pretend anything when he was the only one coming in the room, so instead she continued asking him to go. “Please, Seth.” He couldn’t not when she looked at him like that, he was going to be going.

“I’ll come check on you later, okay?” At least leaving her with Lyor meant that one of them would probably get the full story out of her, what she knew about anyway. He was just going to let them work it out. He kissed Kendra deeply then smiled at Lyor, a little sad he was leaving their boyfriend to be the one dealing with this, again, but there was nothing that could be done.

So he managed to find Emily in her office, though given the doors were both closed he thought that she wasn’t wanting anyone to see her right now, but Seth didn’t really care about that. He knew that Emily would need to be pushed the same as Kendra, sometimes he realised they could be similar, but only on the surface. “She in there?” He asked Emily’s assistant, Marina.

“Yeah. She didn’t want to see Aaron so I’m not sure how receptive she’ll be.” Marina clearly wasn’t all that bothered about keeping people out of this room, probably because when Emily was in a bad mood like this it was bad for everyone. Seth was willing to take the hit right now if only because Kendra had asked him to do it. 

“Well she can fire me if it’s that bad.” He joked then pushed on the door and stepped in. To say it wasn’t even midday it was quite dark in Emily’s office, and Seth realised that she’d pulled the curtains and was just sat there in the dark. He came around and sat in the chair opposite her. “Hi.” 

“Have you come to yell at me too?” She asked, and Seth wasn’t sure whether he should pity her or be worried. Maybe for just this moment she was realising how she sometimes managed to make the rest of them feel when she was criticising them and nagging them for something minor, but at the same time she always had this air of confidence around her, should he be worried that this one disagreement seemed to have stripped her of that confidence? It didn’t seem like it should have affected her all that badly, but clearly it had. Maybe it was the fact they were all still grieving, it did make everything seem worse.

“No, though I am going to ask what happened?” He hoped that Emily would talk a little easier than Kendra, especially as she didn’t seem to anywhere near as worked up as Kendra had been. Tonight Kendra would be able to say everything, but right now she needed to calm down, and the more he thought about it the more she was right, she shouldn’t talk to Emily until tomorrow.

“You must have heard, surely your girlfriend told you?” There was definite bitterness in that comment, and if that kind of tone was used with Kendra it was no wonder she had taken it as an attack on their relationships and on her choices on the whole. Even Seth would have had a hard time biting his tongue at that.

“In broad strokes, but not everything and I like to get both sides. Even when one side is Kendra’s.” He knew that it would be simple to just say he believed his girlfriend, but he really did want to know what Emily thought about it. It would probably be easier to smooth out if he had an idea of how both were feeling. This role of peace-maker had never been his forte, but he was going to slip into it here.

“Well, she may have been right. I’ve been sat here thinking about it and she is right.” Emily’s admittance set Seth’s thoughts back, because he hadn’t expected her to say that at all. He had expected some kind of defence and probably a threat to Kendra’s job, not to hear that she was right. “I’m harder on her because of your relationship, and that’s not fair to either of you. But more than that… she’s right. I push everyone away.” He was surprised that Emily had admitted to being jealous of their relationship, even if she hadn’t used those exact words.

“Some of that is your job, Em.” Seth pushed on her, because he knew that she couldn’t always be their friend or someone who was there to support them. She needed to keep a professional distance because at the end of the day she was their boss or at least their contemporary. It wouldn’t be the same as if it was someone lower on the food chain. Emily wasn’t lower, that was part of the problem, and maybe she had never truly learnt how to balance that with the rest of her life.

“It doesn’t have to be, does it?” Emily asked, and Seth wasn’t actually sure how to answer that question. He wasn’t in her position, he didn’t  _ want _ to be in her position. He’d never particularly sought power, he wanted to be the guy in the background, making sure nobody made a mess of things. He was good at that, but that was it, so he stayed almost quiet, letting her think aloud. “I mean, I can be in this job and still count you all as friends surely? But I don’t.”  

“None of us are perfect. I mean, other than me.” It was a stupid joke, but it got a chuckle out of her. “You probably need to work out a balance, but only you can do that.” Once upon a time Seth would have offered to help, but he didn’t want to risk that now, and he needed to focus on the woman he was with. “I have enough on my plate with Kendra… and I have to prioritise her. She’s my partner and we share everything. But you’ll be able to figure it out.”

“Thanks, Seth.” She smiled a little then clearly tried to shake it off and focus on something else. “I didn’t realise you two were so serious?” It was a loaded question, Seth knew that, but it was one he didn’t mind answering. He was devastated that they’d probably never be able to be honest about Lyor’s part in their life, but he was able to see through that to the bright side that was he could, at least, be honest about Kendra.

“I’m moving in to her place this weekend, so we’re pretty serious.” He was going to leave it at that, and he wondered how Emily was going to take the news about it, but he wasn’t going to wait around. He needed to get back to work, and so did she. Which was what he hoped she’d do now. “I’ll see you at the afternoon briefing.”

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had been getting strange messages all day, though most of them had involved being told not to go down to the West Wing today, but stay and do work in the residence instead. His usual briefings weren’t even coming from the usual person, so when finally Aaron was the one to come in the room Tom knew that he finally had someone familiar with the senior staff that he could ask. “What the hell is going on today?”

“Emotions are running high. With everyone having so little sleep since the disaster on Saturday… There has been a blow up.” Aaron seemed to be playing it close to his chest which left Tom guessing who it would have been. There were definitely people that it could have been, though given the current atmosphere anyone could have snapped.

“Who?” He was fairly sure Lyor would be in there somewhere. He was the one who tended to cause the most problems. He was guessing that it wasn’t Aaron, since he was the one here, and it probably wasn’t Seth, since he was on his way over now anyway. That left three members of the senior staff and pretty much all of congress.

“Kendra and Emily.” Well. That was a surprise. Tom hadn’t really been expecting it to be the two women, thought that also made sense. He knew that both were on edge, and it probably wouldn’t have taken much to push either of them over the edge. “From speaking to the witnesses it was something that needed to happen.” Aaron would have made sure of that, and no doubt that both were okay afterwards.

“Differences of grieving and working together so closely is going to push people like this, of course.” He couldn’t really judge either Emily or Kendra given some of his decisions over the last two weeks. Most of them were driven more out of anger and grief than anything. “I called Seth up so we could discuss this situation in Bogota.”

“That’s a good call, sir.” Aaron agreed, not that Tom actually needed for him too. That was one of the upsides to his position. Though, of course, there were people who were far more in charge than him, the youngest of whom skipped into the room looking between them and clearly not caring at all what she was interrupting. “Hey Penny.”

“Hi Aaron!” Penny smiled, jumping into Tom’s lap but clearly being far more interested in the NSA. Tom didn’t really mind that, as it actually meant that he had another few minutes before he had to get his head together. They were going to have to deal with this soon. “Your hair is all curly today.” Penny commented, and Tom had to say that he hadn’t actually noticed that himself.

Aaron looked more uncomfortable than Tom would have expected, but it seemed that Penny had decided that Aaron was the most interesting person to talk to, even if it was only about his hair. “It is a bit, isn’t it? I didn’t have time to do it this morning.” How did Penny even notice that, thought there was a part of Tom that was wondering how he hadn’t noticed that.

“I like it.” Penny smiled then turned her attention to Tom, and he knew that he was about to be asked for something that he probably should be saying no too, but he was terrible at saying no to Penny. The only thing he was sure of was that without Alex his daughter was going to be ridiculously spoilt. “Daddy can I have ice cream?”

“Sure.” Alright, it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought that it was going to be. Ice cream wasn’t that bad, especially as they had already had dinner together. Sure she was going to be hopped up on sugar, but he could live with that if it meant that she was happy and quiet. Those were the things he needed tonight. “Ice cream in January… kids.”

“Sir, you wanted to see me?” He heard from the doorway and they all looked to where Seth was coming in, though the appearance of the press secretary seemed to distract Penny from her ice-cream as she ran up to him and threw herself into his arms for a hug. No matter what anyone said, Seth was good with kids. “Hey little Pea.”

“Seth! Is Kendra with you?” Of course that was why the 10-year-old had been quite so interested in seeing Seth when he came in. Everyone had come to assume that if Seth was somewhere around then Kendra probably was too, but tom was fairly sure that that wouldn’t be the case if Aaron’s information was right, and it normally was. 

“No, she’s gone home already. I’ll tell her you said hello.” Tom had to smile at how diplomatic Seth was, giving Penny another hug then putting her down, after she mumbled something she went back to searching for her ice-cream and Seth looked back up and gave a slightly sheepish smile. “Sorry. You wanted to see me, Sir?”

“I forgive you for being stolen by my daughter.” Tom laughed, and a moment later Aaron chuckled as well. It felt nice for something to seem like it was back to normal even if it was only how predictable Penny could be. She’d had her favourites since the day they’d arrived.  “I heard about Kendra and Emily this morning.”

“They both just need some time to think about what they said.” Seth assured him, and that made him feel a little better. Nobody was better placed to be between the Chief of Staff and the Counsel than Seth, and Tom was always going to bow to his judgement on their behaviour. “They’ll be fine. Neither holds grudges.”

“I don’t know, Kendra’s been holding at least one grudge since high school so…” Aaron commented, and there was a part of Tom that wanted to know that story, but he had a feeling that, somehow, it probably wasn’t the kind of story that was actually appropriate for a boss to hear. 

“Alright, Emily doesn’t hold grudges and Kendra can be talked out of hers.” Tom narrowed his eyes at that because it didn’t sound as though Kendra would be as easy to handle as Seth had first been thinking, not that it was really that big of an issue. For this, at least, Tom could get them together and order them to get along. 

He didn’t really want to do that though, he needed them to be working together, and Tom was sure that Emily liked working with Kendra. At least that was how it had seemed when Emily had been telling Tom that she was needed. They were both necessary personnel and, somehow, Tom was entirely unsurprised that something had broken. “It’ll be alright?”

“Yes sir, I’ll make sure of it.” Seth assured him, and that was one of the things that had been needed to be spoken about out of the way. There was nothing that Tom hated more than when he had to bring Seth and Kendra into national security matters, as for some reason he always felt slightly guilty for keeping them out of it to begin with. For Seth it was a matter of procedure, he needed plausible deniability. For Kendra it was at her request. She claimed that she was more productive in court when she was doing it on the fly, but neither of those things actually made Tom feel less guilty for keeping them out of the loop.

“Good, then we can move on to the press statement on Bogota.” He said it with a heavy sigh and had to remember that this had been for the best, and they were only going public now because they had solved all the problems, otherwise Tom doubted that they’d be having this conversation. 

“Colombia? Yes, sir.” Seth nodded, and Tom just watched him sit up a little but look around a little uncomfortably, probably making the assumption that Kendra should be there as she had been in the past when they’d had one of these situations.

“I’ll be briefing Kendra in the morning, don’t worry.” Aaron stepped in, and Tom was thankful for that. He still wasn’t really ready for that. There was still a lot of anger there. “She’s read in, she just left early today so I didn’t have time to grab her. It’s not time sensitive and she’s not going to be needed.” That would make talking to Kendra easier too, she was mostly being filled in as a formality, he knew that. This was just an average day in the White House, and it was time he started getting back to those.


	18. Day Sixteen

**_January 10th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had gone home early the day before and as she came in to an overflowing desk she regretted that decision. Sure, she’d gotten to have a long, hot back with soaks and bubbles, the whole works, but now she had so much work and would eventually have to face Emily. She didn’t regret what she’d said, it was all true, but she shouldn’t have said it the way she did, and she also probably should have made sure that the door was closed. She hadn’t done that though, and that was the past. When the door opened and she saw Emily she internally winced. “Hey, you got a moment?”

“Sure,” Kendra said, and in a way, she thought that Emily coming to her office was maybe a gesture of surrender too. There was a moment of awkward silence and Kendra wondered what level of ridiculous she should be to try and break that. Though she ended up deciding that something practical was likely a better question. “Do we need a chaperone?” 

“Are you going to yell at me again?” That seemed like a low question, but really it was probably one that Emily had a right to ask. Yesterday had been a lot of things that built up in Kendra’s mind and she’d had to get them out. She knew that it wasn’t easy to have your flaws pointed out to you, even less so when they were yelled at you. But the truth was if Emily pushed her buttons again Kendra wasn’t sure how she’d react.

“I’m not sure yet.” It was honest, but really by now she just wanted Emily to just say what it was that she was here for so that Kendra could get on with what it was that she needed to get done while not being worried that she was going to be told to go see the President or that her resignation would be appropriate. “What is it, Emily?” 

“I’m… I’m sorry about what I said yesterday.” Wait, what? Did Emily actually just apologise for something that she’d said. Despite the internal shock that she was feeling she kept her face schooled into a deadpan, serious expression. Kendra was actually even more surprised when Emily continued. “You were right, it was personal, and I shouldn’t have been so casual about that.”

Given that Emily had apologised maybe, just maybe, she should say something similar. She didn’t actually think that she was in the wrong, but she would admit that she should have done it far more privately. “I’m sorry… for not speaking to you more privately about my worries.” 

“You shouldn’t apologise for being right, Ken, and you were right.” Emily shook her head, the two of them still looking at each other as the weight of that settled on them both. Most of Kendra’s accusations had been that Emily couldn’t separate her emotions from her professionalism and that posed an interesting problem for them both. “I can’t take a step back and, in all honesty, I don’t know what I can do to start getting over all of this but I will get over it all.”

“Good, and if I can help you, I will.” Kendra offered, but it wasn’t really all that serious. Kendra barely knew how to manage her own emotions and mental health, and with Seth’s stress level jumping up today she was going to have to deal with his as well. That was probably the most she could deal with without going insane. “I don’t know if we can turn back the clock and be friends again, but I’ll still help where I can.”

There was a nod and a slight chuckle from Emily, and Kendra just tilted her head in confusion. She didn’t know what was funny about what she’d just said, but clearly, Emily had found it amusing, somehow. “Seth once told me you weren’t good at grudges?” She explained a moment later, and that just left Kendra even more confused. She had many grudges, and she loved them all. 

“Did he? He lied, or he didn’t know me very well at that point.” If it was more than a few weeks ago he probably hadn’t known about exactly how many grudges she held. She was just quiet about them as they were rarely worth acting on. “I love my grudges and I hold them, dear, I can just ignore them when I need to.”

Emily didn’t seem to be especially reassured by that, but Kendra couldn’t really say anything else to make her feel any better. She had to be truthful, as lies would just come back to bite them later. “We’ll get there though, right?” That question was complicated, but Kendra was sure that eventually, they’d get somewhere.

“One day, maybe. Emily I’m always going to be your colleague and you and I are going to work together fine.” Kendra knew that she could say that, both of them could put their personal issues aside for the good of their careers, but their personal lives were another question entirely. Kendra was sure they’d get somewhere, but where that was she didn’t know yet. “The rest… we’ll have to see.”

“I’m really happy you and Seth are moving in together.” Emily even tried to sound sincere about that, and Kendra was glad that Seth had given her the heads up that he’d told her. In some ways maybe making that comment was part of Emily’s way of letting go, so Kendra wasn’t going to call her out, she’d just take it at face value.

“Thanks.” She then sighed a little and motioned to all the files on her desk, including the one that she actually did need to send off to the supreme court today. “I really gotta finish this brief, I’ll see you around.” It wasn’t really a dismissal, but really just her pointing out that she actually did need to do her job. 

“Sure, of course. Senior staff at 5.” Emily nodded a little as she walked back to the door, and Kendra had to admit that she wasn’t looking forward to that meeting. At least it wasn’t one she’d have to have that much input in, and her advice on the speech was largely going to be done in one on one meetings with Seth and Lyor, which was the only part of the whole thing she was looking forward to.

How today had gotten so busy she didn’t know, but she was looking forward to getting it all done, having a clean desk, and going home. She didn’t know if home would be the nicest place now that Seth had realised what his job entailed, but she still would rather be there. Her habit for having her door open was helpful later on when she spotted Mike hovering outside her office. “Mike, I can see you. You are the last person I expected to be coming in here.” She had always liked the head of the President’s detail, so it was actually quite nice to see him here.“I actually haven’t seen you around much since Christmas.”

“I haven’t seen you either.” Mike pointed out, but now that he’d been spotted he came straight into her office and shut the door. Kendra had no idea what that was about but she had a feeling that he was beginning to feel the strain of the President’s attitude. She knew that it wasn’t easy to be on the receiving end, and it would have had to wear anyone down after a while. “I’ve been… busy.” 

“Yeah, I’ve been avoiding you too.” She laughed because she knew that was the real reason they hadn’t been seeing each other around. The White House wasn’t that big and Mike wasn’t an easy person to avoid even if she had wanted to. “Why does it seem those of us who feel the most guilt are the ones avoiding each other the most?” She asked because that was something she had been wondering for some time. 

“Probably because seeing each other makes us more guilty,” Mike answered after thinking about it for a second, and Kendra had to admit that that made sense too. Sure she felt guilty around the President, but there was a reason she only spoke to Forstell on the phone right now, and the pit in her gut since Mike stepped into the room could definitely be guilt.

“You know it’s not your fault, right?” She said quietly because Mike was no more to blame than she was, nor Forstell. Yet the three of them seemed to have decided that they were going to feel as though it was solely their fault. That was part of why she had been grateful that Seth had eventually convinced her to see the therapist. “No matter how the President makes you feel.”

“I know, sometimes it’s hard to convince myself though, you know?” Oh how she knew, and she felt for Mike that he was having to do that too. There was a part of her that had genuinely thought that it should only be her problem, but that wasn’t how anything like this. Everyone dealt with it differently, but there were some scars that were shared among all those affected.

“Oh, my friend you are preaching to the choir.” She decided to try and joke, lighten the mood. She also knew that there was one thing that she could tell him that nobody else could, and she was willing to share that with the people who needed it most. Or, well, with Mike. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to tell Forstell anything positive right now. “He’ll get over it though, Mike. He will. Eventually.”

“Do you believe that?” Mike asked, and for the first time since she’d known him, she realised that he was unsure and afraid. That was something she didn’t think that she would have ever experienced, but she knew that Mike was friends with the President before all of this, and so maybe it wasn’t that surprising that he was taking that hardest.

She did know that eventually, the President would lighten up, she just couldn’t give him a timeline, it had been more than two weeks and she could be in a room and the President wouldn’t show his displeasure that she was there now, so that was a change from immediately after. It was just going to take time. “Well, he already manages to look at me without growling so… that’s an improvement.” 

“That’s a good point. Thanks, Kendra.” Mike smiled a little, clearly having received whatever advice or comfort he’d come down here searching for. Kendra wasn’t going to ask for specifics about what he’d been looking for, nor was she going to tell him about her experiences without being asked. They could talk when they were both in better places, for now, Kendra would just say what felt right and leave the rest.

* * *

***Seth***

This morning had started the nervous breakdown. All it had taken was a simple question from Kendra,  _ ‘it’s the tenth, right?’ _ and Seth had remembered what was coming. Today was the day he’d be given the files of everything that everyone wanted to go into the State of the Union. Normally, the speechwriters would have some direction of what was the theme of the speech. This year though they hadn’t had time, nor had they really wanted to speak to the President about this. However, now that Lyor was in his office Seth knew that he could just unload. “You realise what today is?” It was a very open question, but it was the only way Seth could think to start this.

“No, what’s today?” Lyor looked confused, and Seth had to admit that generally, this day was important to nobody but the speechwriters, at least when it came to the White House. He was sure that it mattered to a lot of people outside of their bubble, but Seth didn’t care about them right now.

“The day where I start wanting to kill myself over the State of the Union.” There was absolutely nothing that could distract Seth from how much he was hating this already. He knew that, at this point, a lot of it was just the anticipation of pressure of what he knew he was going to have to do. 

“What?” Lyor didn’t seem to understand exactly how freaked out it all was making Seth, and he didn’t know what he was going to be able to do to make sure that nobody fell flat on their face about it. Most administrations had two weeks more than this, and they would have already had an idea of what policies were going to be going in so they could discount 50% of the submissions before they even received them. Not this year though, oh no, because Seth needed his stress level increasing.

“I got all the policies they want to be included.” Lyor was still looking at him more than a little confused, and Seth wondered if Lyor actually had any idea how the State of the Union was actually written. He may be a political genius, but he’d never been on presidential staff before, and he definitely wasn’t a speechwriter. “There are 183 of them.” 

“How many make it in?” Seth had to make it fit no matter how many they decided, and it wasn’t up to him. He knew from the past, the two that he’d worked on had included around twenty-five policies, and he had been one of the ones that were trying to make things fit. Lyor would probably have more say in how many policies were in the final draft than he did.

“Twenty or thirty. Another ten of just ours.” He knew that this year, at least, housing policy was probably going to high on the agenda and something that Seth could be proud of. “And I have to write a 40,000 word speech and try to please everyone.” That was something that Seth had been trying to do his entire life, and he’d never been all that good at it. Maybe with help this time he’d be better.

“Now I’m seeing your problems.” Lyor did actually sound as though he was trying to empathise with Seth here and he appreciated it. Though right now he would rather have thought about almost anything else. “You know… I may have worked in politics my entire adult life but I’ve never actually attended the State of the Union.”

“Well, you’ll be going this year.” Seth smiled a little at that. It wasn’t always necessary that Senior Staff went, but they tended to always go. That was how he and Aaron had gotten such steep promotions a year earlier. Though he didn’t want to be thinking about that right now. Maybe he would rather think about the speech than the tragedy a year ago. “Assuming I get it written.”

“No I won’t, I’ll be running the phone banks with that pollster and Kendra.” Dammit, of course, Lyor would be getting out of that, and he forgot why they’d decided that Kendra should be there. Though, he would have to admit that given the way the President tended to wince when he saw her, it was a good idea. “You say they’ve come in, where are they?”

Well, that question was an interesting one, but they were all over his office, and he had managed to convince Kendra to hide some until he was ready “That pile.” He pointed to the ones on the chair beside Lyor. “That pile.” Another one, this time on the floor near the door. “This pile.” The ten files on his desk that he was trying to get through before he called the speechwriting staff together and that was still only around half of them. “And the boxes on Kendra’s sofa…” 

“Why are they on Kendra’s sofa?” Seth thought, momentarily, that he’d already explained that but realised he hadn’t, it had all been the jumble of thoughts currently living in his mind. Kendra had really been taking pity on him, and he was grateful for that since he had no idea how to do it himself.

“Because looking at it was making me want to kill myself and everyone around me,” Seth mumbled. If it had been anyone but Lyor he probably would have been more diplomatic with his answer, but he didn’t mind saying it given that Lyor knew that Seth wasn’t actually likely to do that. Not today, at least.

“Alright, we possibly need to talk about getting you into therapy too.” The level of mild concern in Lyor’s face made Seth thing that just maybe he had misjudged his crowd for that particular comment. Kendra found him funny, at least. She would have got that joke. “You remember that Emily has a meeting scheduled for it this afternoon.”

“Ken would have laughed at that joke.” He sulked and pouted, mostly for sure to see if it actually would work on Lyor. Turned out that it didn’t, well, it had been worth a try. Pouting would get Kendra to do so many things. “I know. I remember. Remove all the sharp objects before I get there.” He hoped that that would be taken a little better, but this time he wasn’t entirely joking.

When Lyor left Seth managed to get back to reading. It took so much out of him and he was thankful that Kendra distracted him with some dinner before he had to go and meet Lyor and Emily. Kendra’s input on the speech wouldn’t be for a week or so, and right now other than making sure that he didn’t lose his mind she didn’t seem to be all that interested in it. Heading to the meeting he watched Kendra head back to her office, jealous that she was getting to go and work on things that wouldn’t push her to the edge of her sanity, then headed to the meeting with the others. “Did you do what I asked you?” 

“She wouldn’t let me take the scissors,” Lyor answered entirely deadpan, and Seth wondered if he was, once again, being overly serious or if he was using his own odd and specific brand of comedy that nobody else understood. Seth was getting better at it, but he didn’t know if anyone would ever get Lyor, no matter how close they all got. 

“What the hell is going on with you two?” Emily’s question made them both stand up a little straighter and Seth suddenly felt like he had misbehaved and been called up to the front of class. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, and he hadn’t felt it since school. Maybe he needed to stop being quite so sarcastic.

Clearly, Lyor dealt with that feeling even worse than Seth did, and there was nothing that he could do to stop Lyor blurting out one of the topics of conversation of their earlier meeting. “Seth wants to murder everyone.” It sounded much more threatening like that, though Seth would be the first one to admit that there was really no way to hear that in a good way.

“I  _ said _ I was going to kill myself and everyone around me, get my quote right if you’re going to use it against me,” Seth said plainly, just looking at Emily as he said it. The stress may have been quite clear already given the look that Emily gave him. Either that or someone had warned her that he was a ticking time bomb right now. 

“You do realise that we haven’t even started planning it yet?” Emily asked after a few moments of silence, and that almost made Seth explode again. He’d already jotted down a basic structure, opening and closing remarks… The rest he was going to have to fill in as he went. Nobody else may have planned, but he had, and he needed others to start inputting it now.

“You haven’t started planning it, you.” He yelped, realising that it didn’t make him feel any better to have got it out, but he also didn’t like the idea that he hadn’t started doing things. He was honestly more stressed that he had no idea what anybody wanted than about the fact he was going to actually have to write the thing. “That is exactly my problem!!!”

“Seth, calm down, you have the speechwriters you can use them and patch it all together.” Lyor was clearly trying, but that was something that seemed so obvious that of course, he knew that. He knew that he wasn’t going to be having to do all of this on his own, but that really wasn’t enough when it was this huge.

“I’ll be doing that but I’m still going to explode.” Alright, he was probably being a little too much about this, but he couldn’t really stop himself. “A year ago I went out because I got one line into Richmond’s speech. Now I’m writing the whole damn thing.” There it was, there was why he was such a mess right now. At least he knew. “This morning I was still dealing with Bogota.”

“It will all be fine, Seth. I think it’s normal to be anxious about something like this.” Emily was more supportive than Seth had been expecting, but it did make him feel better momentarily. “Right, off we move, the President will be waiting.” Seth almost forgot that they would be going and presenting his list to the President, and hopefully, then he would have direction.

“Somebody just kill me already.” He followed Emily and Lyor out, still grumbling. When he spotted Kendra waiting for Emily’s authorisation on something he just took her hands and made it clear that he was going to beg for an end to this. “Kendra, baby, kill me.” Instead of saying what he expected she just held a hand up to Emily and then pulled Seth to her and kissed him once before pressing her forehead to his.

“You’ll be fine, Seth, just focus on what you need to do, and tomorrow it will start coming together. Lyor will help.” She said it all quietly enough that nobody else would be able to hear, and it did exactly what clearly she’d known it would. It gave him a strategy and was exactly the thing he’d been trying to tell himself all afternoon. It was so much easier when someone else said it. “I’ll see you tonight, I’m going picking up some more boxes from your apartment.” Kendra stepped away and smiled, he saw her little nod to Lyor, their private acknowledgement that he’d be there too. Seth still wasn’t happy, but at least he had been reminded he had a plan.

* * *

***Tom***

This was a reminder of how fast a year could actually pass. A year ago he and Emily had just submitted their three proposals for Richmond’s speech, and they had been thinking about how to implement them since all three would still happen of the course of the year, even if they weren’t going to be administration focus. Everything was different now, and that was probably why everyone looked so unsure. “Why does Seth look like he wants to kill himself?” From all accounts, that was common with speechwriters, at least that was what Cornelius Moss had once said.

“Can we not get into that discussion again?” Emily’s voice told him that this was something that they’d all had a round of. The Oval Office seemed larger tonight than it usually did, but maybe it was that this had been Tom’s first full day. “These are all the prospective bills from both sides of the aisle that want to be mentioned in the State of the Union.” He took the paper and looked it over.

“Aren’t we a little late talking about this?” Tom didn’t know how it usually worked, but he felt like it wasn’t normally this close. Sure, most of that was taken from watching TV shows. Also probably not the best evidence for how it worked. So he would let Emily and the others continue guiding this meeting. He got it up and moved around to the more informal seating area. 

“Well, normally it starts on the day after Christmas but there have been… other considerations this year. We still have almost three weeks.” Lyor didn’t sound anywhere near as concerned as Tom would have expected, though he probably had a lot more faith in Seth’s abilities than Seth himself appear to have by the wince he gave at Lyor’s words.

“We have 19 days. I have 19 days to write the State of the Union.” Seth’s barely contained panic explained why Emily hadn’t wanted to open the can of worms. Tom was now probably going to worry about how Seth’s mental health was going to survive this, but knowing that he had the same support that had gotten Kendra through the last couple of weeks reassured him some.

“Does anyone have a Prozac or something to give him because I’m going to kill him,” Emily mumbled, though it was under her breath. It was still loud enough for all of them in the room to hear it and Tom had to step in to try and calm it a little. It made him wonder exactly how stressed out Seth had been all day. Tom knew that Seth tended to fixate on negative things, and he needed to be reassured that he could do things. 

“Seth, 19 days is fine. You have written me miracles in 19 minutes.” Tom smiled, trying to reassure the young man. Tom had had utter faith in Seth since the moment they’d first met and he’d continue to believe in him until there was a real reason not to. “It will be okay.” He continued and Seth just nodded, going quiet again and leaving Tom to think about what was coming next. “So what are we going to focus on?”

“Well, sir first we need to know what you want to be your priorities.” Lyor gently corrected. That was something that was going to be extremely difficult to decide on. There were so many things that he wanted to change. “Since you’re not bound to either party you have your pick of the issues.” 

“What would you recommend?” He wanted to know what his staff thought were the best picks would be sensible. He wasn’t a politician, he still didn’t think of himself that way, he wanted to be making the right decisions for the country. There were policies for every potential decision here. How did he choose?

“No, sir. This isn’t a situation where we recommend to you.” Lyor cut in before he could say anything more. “This is where you look in your heart and tell us what matters most to you, and we bring you options for the high notes. Everything else can be worked out between us and the various members of the cabinet or Congress.” 

That seemed like such a strange way of doing it, but Tom was sure that there was a reason for it. Probably because it was him talking about what his agenda for the next year was going to be. “So, I tell you what I want and you make it happen?” He just wanted to be sure about that, because he knew that there wasn’t any guarantee that things were going to get any easier.

“We try to at the very least,” Emily confirmed, while both Seth and Lyor nodded behind her. Tom already knew there were some things that he was going to have to think about and that it was a difficult thing to think about. “This is what we have to pick from, and we have the White House selections too.”

“Can I get back to you in the morning?” It was a simple request because he wanted to balance it, but at the stricken look on Seth’s face, he almost regretted it. Tom would make sure he circled his choices to make it even easier for the clearly panic-stricken man, as he didn’t really envy the job Seth was going to have to do.

“The sooner the better, really, sir.” Emily clearly saw the look too and decided that it was going to be easier to end the meeting there. Probably to let someone else deal with Seth and his current inability to relax. He was so tightly wound he hoped that someone would get him a stiff drink or a big dinner before he exploded.

Really there wasn’t all that much that he could do though, he couldn’t decide right now and it was late enough in the afternoon that he didn’t want to keep everyone there too late. “I know, I promise I’ll get it back to you all in time for Senior Staff in the morning.” Which probably meant Emily would get an early wake-up call, but he found himself not caring all that much about that. “Have a good night, everyone.” There was a chorus of ‘you too, sir’ as they all stood up and headed to the door.

“You know the Prozac possibly isn’t a bad idea,” Lyor said quietly, probably not intending for anyone other than Seth to hear him, and Tom just smiled as he got to actually watch the two of them as they interacted without being watched. It was nice to see his staff getting along, especially given the way they had started off.

“I’m not against killing you.” That was the last thing Tom heard as the three people started out the door and he wasn’t going to ask about the intrapersonal dynamics that were at play there. Once upon a time, he would have wanted to know, but now he knew that it was not at all worth it. He had a job to do and it was best he focused on that. He could even get Leo and Penny’s opinions. 


	19. Day Seventeen

**_January 11th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra wasn’t used to being the one up and out of bed. Of course, Lyor had been first up and made them some toast. Then Seth had refused to get out of bed. They needed to leave soon, but that didn’t seem to be motivating him. So she was probably going to have to resort to desperate measures. “Hey, come on. Time to get up.” There was a part of her that still didn’t really believe that she was having to do this when for a couple of weeks now it had been the other way around. “This is a weird reversal.”

“I don’t want to go today, I think I’ll just quit,” Seth mumbled into his pillow, it was so muffled that she could only just make out the words. The whole previous day had been a battle with the anxiety she knew he had about letting people down. She’d tried her hardest to help quell it, stop it from progressing, but now that she had her own demons she knew that she was just one weapon in his arsenal to deal with it. She’d keep helping where she could, but it was largely down to him. 

“Seth, come on. I’m going to send Lyor in to jump on you with his bony elbows if you don’t come now.” She didn’t know if that would actually work as a threat given that Seth generally quite liked cuddling up with Lyor, even though he was all knees and elbows in the night sometimes.  That would actually just keep Seth in bed and make Lyor resist leaving the apartment too.

“I said I quit.” Seth lifted his head to speak a little louder, but Kendra already knew what he was saying. She wasn’t going to let him quit. Once the writing started and he felt like he was getting more control things would be easier and he would start calming down. She was fairly sure that making him get to that point was going to be more important.

“You’ll start writing it today and it’ll be fine. Emily already text Lyor saying she has the President’s list.” That had been one of the first things that they’d looked for when they woke up this morning, and having looked at the list Kendra was fairly sure that Seth would approve of all the priorities. She moved around the bed a little and saw that, at least now, Seth wasn’t looking quite so much like he was going to smother himself. It really was time for desperate measures so she just put her hands on her hips and smiled. “I’m going to get naked in about 30 seconds but I’ll go in the bathroom if you don’t get up.”

“I’m up, I’m up.” Seth shot up to sitting faster than she’d expected, and she was pretty sure that, at that point, he was going to be a little dizzy for a few seconds. It amused her how easy it had actually been in the end when she decided on trying it. She had a feeling that mostly it was just because Seth liked seeing her naked, but she hoped that maybe he’d decided he was being dramatic.

“I knew that would work.” She grinned, watching him as he started gathering his clothes. Sometimes the fact that his job crossed with Lyor’s so often was a hindrance. Especially when they were in a situation like this, so at least she could offer some respite from the constant effects of stress. “You know where my office is if it all gets too much for you babe. It’ll be fine.”

“I thought you were getting naked?” Kendra was almost fully dressed, but the least she could do was give him some reward, so instead of stripping off she just shook her head then flashed him, and that would have to be enough for right now. Seth seemed to be entirely pleased with it when she got herself back into her clothes and got up to kiss her cheek. “Worth it, okay, I’m up.”

Kendra actually managed to get them all into work on time. She was impressed with that given that Seth had procrastinated exactly as long as was humanly possible. Once they were there she entrusted him to Lyor. Seth was one that she just had to let do his thing, and she knew that it wasn’t going to change until he took control. She had her own work to be focused on, and she needed to ignore the condescending note on her file from the President. She tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it just wasn’t happening much anymore. Mostly she was just frustrated that it seemed she was never doing anything that actually mattered. She was just getting more frustrated when she heard her name. “Kennie.” Looking up and seeing her mother coming into the room. 

“Mom, how did you get in?” It was probably a stupid question, one that she didn’t actually need to ask. There were only two people who knew her mother well enough to let her in, but Lyor wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t going to be able to show her around and make sure that she got where she wanted to go, which meant there was only one person left.

“Seth.” Judith nodded, and Kendra wondered if she was going to have to have a few words with Seth about that. She loved her mother but really didn’t think that her regularly showing up at work and making it a distraction was going to be all that good for her. “He’s always good about letting me in.”

“Of course.” The fact that her mother was here and hadn’t called her that either something was wrong or there was some sort of surprise but in truth, Kendra hoped it was either.  “What’s wrong?” She’d almost forgotten what today was in the stress of the morning but she hadn’t forgotten. Kendra just didn’t think that would be why her mother would be here.

“Nothing, nothing at all.” Judith actually did sound like she wasn’t worried about anything, though Kendra could see her looking around, and the note on her desk wasn’t exactly hidden. “I wanted to see you at work, and I had a message from the President I wanted to talk to him about.” Given that Judith then picked up the note Kendra was more concerned about that and end up sitting there staring at her mother. “I spoke to him a week or so ago and it’s just a follow-up.”

“Mom!” She yelped, really not liking the sound of that. She didn’t know what her mother and her boss had to talk about, so she wasn’t all that impressed about the idea of them talking at all. Maybe it was the depression that had come on in the wake of the accident but Kendra felt like this wasn’t going to end at all well for her.

“It’s nothing like that, Kennie. I promise.” Judith was clearly trying to placate her, and Kendra would normally be comforted by that but for some reason here it wasn’t actually helping her at all. “I was talking to him about dad. He told me that a recent widow may have had some insight that he didn’t really think about too and so he wrote to us both.” Thinking about her dad reminded her again what today was.

“It’s six months today.” She said it quietly because she didn’t really want to think about the fact that it had really been that long. Her father hadn’t lived to see her joining the White House staff, but he also hadn’t lived to see the breakdown she’d been having either, so there was that to it.

“I know.” That was Judith’s only response, but Kendra saw the pain in her mother’s eyes as they both thought about Keith for a moment. He may not have helped to create Kendra biologically, but he was definitely the reason that she was who she was today. The silence stretched to minutes and Kendra was starting to get a little uncomfortable with it when Judith spoke. “Is Seth all moved in?”

“Your bed is still in the guest room, you going to stay tonight?” It wasn’t really a question that she needed to ask. She knew that Judith wouldn’t want to be alone in the house tonight, at least staying with Seth and Kendra would mean that she had company if she wanted it, and Kendra would be able to talk about things that nobody else would know.

“I was hoping you might offer.” Her mother looked again at the note in her hands, and the only thing that Kendra was glad about was that there was no name on it, so if she needed to she could pass it off as being from Emily. “I wish you would stand up for yourself more. This note isn’t fair, I know your work, you aren’t sloppy like this claims.”

“It’s not the time for that conversation again, mom,” Kendra argued, because she really didn’t need to be told how being a wilting flower might be good in other situations, but when you were dealing with being the White House Counsel it wasn’t appropriate and she needed to let them know that she was doing her job and they were all welcome to come and do it for her if she wanted. She’d had the speech before when she first started. She’d had variations of it ever since she graduated law school, and not once had it actually helped her.

“I’ve heard how you’re treated here and you’ve complained enough about it that I know you’re not happy.” Judith wasn’t letting it go the way that Kendra had wanted, she just needed not to talk about this in the office where she worked. “We can talk about this over dinner. How about you take me for lunch, though.”

“Is that a hint that you’d like a tour?” Kendra smiled, thinking that that was a good plan for the afternoon. She didn’t actually mind showing her mother around, and she did need dinner. Also, unlike her daughter, Judith ate meat so would probably enjoy the mess far more than Kendra herself did. Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad if she just focused on what was in front of her.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had known that Kendra wouldn’t necessarily happy that he’d signed her mother into the White House, but when he’d seen them last Kendra had been taking her on a tour. Now though he could see Judith and Aaron talking, and Kendra looking very bored. He took the opportunity to sneak up behind his girlfriend and wrap his arms around her, resting his forehead on her shoulder. “How long has Aaron been talking to your mother?”

“Almost an hour. I went and got juice from the mess and they were still there.” Kendra didn’t sound like she was all that impressed about it. Seth didn’t blame her, really. He probably wouldn’t be all that impressed if he showed his mother around and she ditched him for another member of staff. But Seth wasn’t going to complain as it gave him the opportunity to do this. “It turns out that they have a lot in common. I have no idea what.”

He also knew what they probably had in common, purely through one random conversation he’d had with Judith once. “Your mom likes aeroplanes, so it’s probably something to do with that.” It was a strange thing that he’d mentioned to Judith at the time, it did make Seth wonder exactly how much attention either would actually be paying. “Think she’d notice if we disappeared?”

“Probably not,” Kendra muttered, and Seth took hold of her hand, pulling her back to his office since it was closer than hers. As soon as they were alone Seth flopped onto his sofa and felt Kendra do the same right beside him. She then snuggled up to his side, his favourite place to have her, he was just sad that Lyor wasn’t on his other side. “We’re going out for dinner tonight. The three of us and Lyor.”

“What does your mom know about us?” He had to ask because he knew that Kendra was entirely open with Judith. Not that Seth thought Judith would have any problems with how they lived their lives, or that she’d use it against anyone. He just wanted to know so that he would know if he needed to pretend that there was nothing in it while she was around, or if they could be them.

“Everything. As long as I’m happy she doesn’t care.” That was what Seth had hoped, he just sat there kissing Kendra’s temple gently. Almost entirely certain that she would only stop him if she had to. This was the most relaxed he’d been since he’d gotten to work. “She also understands the need for secrecy. If anyone asks her Lyor is just our friend.”

“Good.” He wanted to stretch this out because the moment she left he would go back to being a nervous wreck and having to focus on the State of the Union and the speech that he was still having to remind some on his staff how to spell. Focusing on Kendra was much more satisfying than that. “The best thing about being open with our relationship is that I’m allowed to do this in public too.”

“Seth, we’re still at work, so behave.” It was a weak complaint and secretly Seth could tell that she was loving having this attention the same way that he was loving being able to give it to her. He’d always thought that he was too private for this, and he’d been certain that Kendra would be, but it turned out that with each other they liked to show it. Instead of stopping he had started kissing down her neck to her collarbone, the exact places he knew that turned her on. “You’re a bad boy, Seth Wright.”

“Maybe, but you love me and Lyor isn’t staying tonight.” Even if her mother was staying he wouldn’t be passing up a Lyor free night. He kissed her a little more then just sighed and pressed his forehead to hers, knowing he should work. “Alright, this was a welcome break from my existential screaming. Come and rescue me again in a couple of hours.”

“I’ll bring you coffee and a hug.” That was an enticing prospect too, and so he hoped that that was exactly how Kendra came and collected him. Mostly for the hug, though the coffee would also be appreciated. “How is it coming?” He had come to hate that question already, but at least he could probably answer it honestly.

“I am not killing anyone.” He mumbled, and he felt Kendra just kiss him again softly a few times after that before she pulled away and just stroked his cheek. Maybe she had more of an idea exactly what his mind was battling against while he thought about all of this now that she’d been having all of her own problems.

“Well, that’s a start.” She smiled and soon pulled away, they both knew if she didn’t he wasn’t going to be getting any work done, and it could probably be awkward if anyone came looking for them. Instead, he would deal with the fact that he was going stir crazy alone. “Love you.” She smiled before she went back to whatever the rest of her day was going to consist of.

The rest of his day consisted of meetings. Email meetings, phone meetings, in-person meetings. A million meetings and none of them were at all productive. There were some good ideas, but nothing was consistent, and he found himself wanting to scream while leaning his head on the table. Someone somewhere was using this as a torture device. He was certain of it.

“How is it coming along, Seth.” The voice interrupted his thoughts, and he was about to snap at it to go away when his consciousness caught up and told him that it was the President and snapping at him was a really bad choice. Instead, he managed to push himself to his feet and, hopefully, look less like murder/suicide was a good option.

“Sir.” He nodded, trying to make it seem as though he hadn’t just been internally screaming at a piece of paper. He needed to remember that it was only a speech. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. The end of his career, sure, but not the end of the world. He didn’t want to tell the President that he had made next to no progress with anyone or anything that they needed. “It’s coming along.”

“What have you done?” Dammit. Couldn’t he have just left it at that? At least Seth could say things like ‘forward progress’ and make it sound like there were things going on. Instead, he decided to just explain the mechanics of the situation. He didn’t really care all that much about what the President thought about that.

“I have given each of your preferred programmes to a pair of speechwriters, they write that section while I work on piecing it all together and making it sound like you.” That was pretty much how it was always done, it was just on a tighter schedule this year than usual, all because they hadn’t had the two weeks after Christmas to prepare. 

“It’s going to be wonderful I’m sure.” The President came and sat on the edge of his desk, and Seth continued to mentally wish that he would move on. Mostly because it was adding to the pressure, but also because there was a part of Seth that still wanted to ask their boss why he was being so hard on Kendra. Before Seth managed to get that out though, the President began speaking again. “You’ve given me the voice of a president.”

“I think you did that yourself, sir,” Seth commented, and he was fairly sure that that was the only thing he could have said. How would anyone have answered a comment like that? Seth really should probably think this through more, but right now all he could focus on was not making it any worse, or last any longer. “I just gave you the words.”

“I’m grateful, I’m also grateful for your work over the last month.” That was something that Seth wasn’t sure anyone would ever be able to hear easily and know that there was more they could have done. “I don’t mean your professional work, though that has also been exemplary.” What could he have meant? Seth was wondering that when he saw the President pick up the picture he kept on his desk, him and Kendra doing something ridiculous. He loved that picture. “I heard that you moved in with Kendra? You make a fine couple.”

There was bitterness in the President’s voice, something else that Seth didn’t know how to address, and was fairly sure the President didn’t even know himself. It wasn’t something that he could just blurt out either, so he had to brush it aside. “Yes, sir. Well. It’s official from this weekend.” He hadn’t really thought much about that being big news here, but it was an opening to talk about Kendra and how things were going for her. “I know things are strained between you and her right now but… she still respects you, sir.” 

“I still respect her, too. It’s just going to take time.” There was nothing at all that Seth could say in response to that. Time was something they didn’t have, not when they were running the White House, and not while he was the Leader of the Free World. “We’ll all get there I’m sure.” A smile suddenly broke across the President’s face and he wondered what had brought that on. “I feel I should also apologise for how much time Penny takes up when she’s around.”

“She’s mostly with Kendra, and I think it helps them both.” Seth tended to stay in the background when Penny was around. He knew that Kendra doted on that little girl when she was in her care, though, it just served to convince him that she was going to be an amazing mom. He knew that Kendra was always able to look a little more hopefully at the world after an afternoon with Penny.

“I think it does too.” That was possibly the nicest thing the President had said about Kendra in some time, and Seth smiled a little. Even more relieved when it seemed that he had had enough and was going to head off for the afternoon. It was only when he got to the door he stopped and spoke to Seth again. “Keep up the good work.” That was a simple order, one that Seth would have had to do regardless, but now he was left wondering what on Earth was making everyone so talkative today.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had enjoyed his day at work, at least that’s what he was telling himself. It was better than admitting that really he was just numb about it all now. Walking back into the Residence he was more than a little surprised to hear someone speaking quietly to Penny. “So, what it all means is that the things my brain tells my legs to do get jumbled up, so my legs don’t get the message. At the same time what my legs tell my brain gets jumbled up, so my brain doesn’t know how they feel.” The further in he stepped he realised that it was Judith Daynes, no need to go to red alert.

“That’s so weird!” Penny sounded enthralled about what they’d been talking about, and if Tom had to guess, his ten-year-old had just gotten a crash course in Multiple Sclerosis for children. “Can you help me do a project for my class about it?” That was not what he’d expected her to ask, but it would make a better project than her life at the White House.

“Of course I can, Penny. It would be my honour.” Judith didn’t even need a second before agreeing, and Tom actually did feel a moment of happiness at the fact that Penny, at the very least, seemed to be enjoying learning and getting something out of this strange new situation that they all found themselves in.

“Penny, go get ready for dinner.” He said as he made his presence known, thinking that standing and watching the two of them any longer would just pass the line into creepy from… well from whatever it had been standing in the shadows and watching them as they talked.

Judith waited until Penny was out of earshot before she spoke again. Tom doubted that it was anything that needed privacy, but he was grateful for Judith’s care anyway. “I heard you spoke to Seth today.” It wasn’t really a question, and since it was true it wasn’t as though Tom could say no. But it just made him wonder how she knew, it had been less than an hour since he’d left Seth’s office to finish off his day.

“How much does he tell you?” Not a response to her statement, but his attempt at deflecting back to her. He hadn’t really been expecting to have to talk about his staff or his work when he got back tonight, but at least this would give him another chance to think about what was going on in his head, especially after the stab of jealous anger he’d felt looking at the picture of Seth and Kendra.

“He’s moving in with my daughter, I know almost everything.” That wasn’t an answer to the question he asked either. Maybe he hadn’t asked the right question. Seth no doubt spoke to Kendra, and Kendra clearly spoke to her mother regularly. That was the start of understanding how everything that happened with those two ended up getting back to the others. “I got your note. I’m glad to see that you think you’re starting to do better.”

“I hope that I am.” He truly did feel better, but he knew that that was not the best way to measure how he was actually feeling. It definitely wasn’t going to be how he measured his behaviour but he was going to continue holding on to hope that he was getting there, and he was learning to move on. “I’m still so angry.”

“It’s only been 17 days, it will take a lot longer than that for you to start feeling like you’re not angry.” Sage wisdom, as always, and he just found himself looking to her for further comment on that. “Don’t ask me when I don’t know. It’s six months today since Kendra and I lost Keith.” 

“I didn’t know that.” He didn’t realise that today was the day, anyway. Maybe he shouldn’t have added that note to the files he sent back to her this morning, but it had been how he was feeling at the time and he felt like she’d probably needed to know that. Or, at the very least, he probably could have phrased it better.

“I didn’t exactly expect you too. Kendra didn’t even tell Seth until I was here. She keeps it all very private.” That wouldn’t come as that much of a surprise to anyone. “She’s always grieved privately and I think that you are that type too, only with your position you don’t get to be private.”

“I don’t.” He admitted and she was right, if he had had the choice he would have chosen to grieve as quietly and privately as was humanly possible. “But you were right when you said that I needed to not let the anger dictate my actions.” He was trying to get better at it. Trying to let others guide him more than himself right now. Though that was hard when the person he trusted most was gone.

“What will happen will happen, Alex would understand that this is hard for you,” Judith said that with so much honesty and conviction that Tom couldn’t help but believe her. “But, just remember she’d kick your ass for taking it out on others.” There was a lot that she would kick his ass for, too.

“You’re right, she would. Can I do anything else for you, Mrs Daynes?” He looked at the time and knew that he was going to have to sort dinner out soon and check that Leo was actually alive. That seemed like something that a parent should really do. But Leo was a teenager.

“No, just have a good night you hear me?” Clearly, Judith was not expecting hers to be that great and given what she’d said that was a completely understandable thought. She moved her chair around. “I’m going to go sit in Kendra’s office and sleep until she’s done and we can go to dinner.” She didn’t seem unhappy about that, and Tom just watched her go with a smile on his face. After he’d managed to get everything done he decided to keep his recent tradition, though this time he wanted to actually get out of the car. So he asked for someone to take him to the cemetery and he waited, talking himself into it until he finally slid out of the car.

Tom made his way through the cemetery to where he knew Alex rested. He then just settled himself on the ground and tried to think of what he needed to say, or what he most wanted to say. “I made a new friend today.” That was how he was opening it? Smooth. He sounded like a twelve-year-old starting a new school. “Well, I’m not sure if I can call her a friend, but she’s certainly given me some good advice when I’ve needed it.” Judith’s words just kept floating through his mind, along with Nicholas the mudslide survivor. He wondered if either of them would ever be able to fully appreciate how much impact they had on him.

“She’s Kendra’s mother. I think you would have liked her.” Judith had a quality that Tom knew Alex would have appreciated. An ability to cut right to the heart of the matter with a minimum of bullshit. Really, it was no wonder that Kendra had become a lawyer. “I’m surprised how young she is, she was only 21 when she had Kendra. She’s certainly gone through a lot for someone not that much older than me.” He’d only looked Judith Daynes up this time after she left, and finding out that she was only 56 had shaken him slightly. She seemed so much wiser, though maybe that was part of battling a debilitating disease most of her life.

“There are things that I know you’d have yelled at me about if you were here. Things I’ve done I’m not proud of, things I haven’t done that I would have been.” He wasn’t going to lie about the last few weeks. Alex deserved so much more than that. She would know, anyway. She always knew when he was lying. “But right now I’m focusing on the State of the Union and I know that we’ll have good stuff in there.” He had already seen some of Seth’s opening comments. They were magnificent, and he was proud of the man who had come from next to nothing to be his chief speechwriter.

“Leo seems to have mostly settled well back into school. Penny is still struggling but she goes back to full days next week.” He liked to keep telling her about the children, that way it just felt like it was the end of an average day. “We all miss you, we love you.” He knew that this was probably the least elegant position anyone could ever find the President in, but he felt close to Alex this way, and it was easy to talk to her. God how he missed her. But these visits and the reminders that he needed to just let it happen were going to help him keep going. He just needed to get better about not taking his anger out on Kendra and Mike, however hard that was.


	20. Day Eighteen

**_January 12th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

The morning had started great. The same way almost every morning without Lyor started. She and Seth tended to set their alarms half an hour earlier those mornings. She’d then managed to shower and leave a note without waking her mother up. That had been the end of the good morning. Construction had made them late and she recognised the pile of files on her desk and was willing to bet on what they were. “Another damn note.” She mumbled as she opened the top one.

“Ken?” Dammit, she’d forgotten that Seth was waiting for her to check her work then get a coffee. She knew that now she was actually going to have to explain this, and unlike with her mother the day before Kendra knew that Seth was going to know the President’s handwriting almost the moment he looked at the note. There was no getting around talking about what was going on now.

“The President…” She started, just looking at the note again. Another passive aggressive comment about pushing too far, too hard. It was as though he’d forgotten that she was an aggressive lawyer. That was part of why he’d hired her. “Not one strategy I have put forward this month has been accepted, and it’s always with some little… passive aggressive comment.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Seth started, and Kendra wondered how much she should show him. The things from before the New Year she was going to pretend had never come, they needed to go through her shredder, really. But the recent ones, they all stung so much more because he seemed to have so many mood swings when it came to his treatment of her. 

“You’ve seen how he acts around me, and then look at this.” He would switch between trying to work with her, listening to her, not rolling his eyes… to snapping at her, and making it obvious that he didn’t really trust her anymore. She kind of just wished that he’d decide on an attitude. At least if he did that she could learn how to cope.

Seth read the note and scowled softly, clearly understanding now why this was such a problem to her. “Alright… maybe you have a point.” He conceded after a few seconds, and clearly, he realised that these were what her mother had hinted at. Kendra hadn’t really wanted to tell him about them, but now that she had to she felt like part of a weight had been lifted. “Is this what your mother was talking about last night?”

“Pretty much. She thinks I need to stand up for myself more.” That had been a mantra since she was twelve though, so Kendra didn’t think it was going to really change anytime soon. She had always been better at defending other people, fighting for other people, than she had been fighting for herself.

“She might be right, but I don’t think that this is the right place to do it,” Seth commented, coming up and stepping behind her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her neck, clearly remembering that this was her favourite position to be comforted in. Maybe this would start her feeling better because she really needed that today. “Besides, you’re plenty in charge at home.”

“I really don’t think my mother needs to know that.” She laughed, and it felt good for that. They may have been going to get coffee, but Kendra knew that with them being a little late they should both just start working, they could speak again when they got home. “Go work, Lyor will be wondering where you are.” She said quietly, turning her head so that she could kiss him and suddenly strongly wishing that their boyfriend was there too. “Tell him I missed him last night.”

“Urgh, you’re right…” Seth groaned, and right now Kendra knew exactly how he felt. At least he had other speechwriters. She really needed to talk to Emily about hiring another couple of junior lawyers. She smiled a little more when Seth kissed her neck then her cheek before pulling away. “I’ll tell Lyor.” He assured her, then left to go and start his workday.

Hers was spent trying to think of a new strategy. Something that she hadn’t already tried and had thrown back at her. She didn’t know if there was one now though. She had been just fighting with this and she wanted to have had her first strategy approved. Right now she was getting to the point where she was just going to go to court and do what she wanted, as long as she won it wouldn’t matter, right?  She was still worrying about all of this when Aaron came to bring her the new information on the investigation into the crash. After a few minutes of talking about that Aaron just looked at her and tilted his head. “I can’t decide if you or Seth is more stressed.”

“I’m not stressed, I’m annoyed.” She grumbled. Normally she wouldn’t talk to Aaron about this but she wanted to get someone else’s opinion. Given her relationship with both Lyor and Seth, who she did usually speak to about this, she couldn’t depend on them to be entirely objective. “Do you think I’m good at my job? Out of everyone on the staff you’re the one I’ve worked with most.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes and studied her for a second as he considered that question. “Kendra I think you’re amazing at your job, what brought this about?” Kendra didn’t actually know how to explain it, but given that Seth and Emily had seen the behaviour of the President, she was going to make the assumption that Aaron had too.

“I think the President has lost confidence in me. Or at least… something has changed.” She didn’t want to say the obvious had changed. He was a widower and she was the last person to have spoken to his wife, but it seemed like it was more than that now. Kendra still wondered if he wished that she had died instead.

“You were the last person to see Alex, you were the one who made the phone call.” So, Aaron had no problems with bringing that part up. At least that meant that Kendra thinking about that didn’t make her paranoid, it made her right. That was exactly why not only was the President avoiding her but that it was likely why he was treating her differently. “It’s not exactly like you have the best associations in his mind.”

“Should that affect the way he treats me professionally?” She asked, it was a mostly rhetorical question but she did mean it. She felt like it shouldn’t be affecting how she was treated and she needed someone other than Lyor or Seth. Aaron stayed quiet, but it was clear that he actually did agree with her about that. Nobody really wanted to say anything about the President though. “You agree with me, don’t you?”

“I think he’s been unfair to you, but I think you’re just going to have to weather it.” That wasn’t really the advice she needed but it was probably not really all that much of a surprise that it was the advice that she was getting from people who weren’t in this situation. Though from what she remembered Aaron was probably the person with most sympathy for this.

“I just want to do my job, Aaron.” She mumbled quietly because doing her job was becoming harder and harder. Kendra hadn’t signed up to become a way for the President to work out his issues. There had to be something that she could do to try and make herself feel more like she was doing what she’d come here to do.

“I know, and you are still doing it perfectly. I’ve seen you.” Aaron had been the one who came to court with her, he was the one who used her most often when he needed something. Ever since she’d come here their working relationship had been one of the most important ones she had.

“Aaron… I don’t know if I can take much more of this.” There, she admitted it. She was close to her breaking point and she needed to try and figure it out. There were things she could do, there were always choices, it was just whether she wanted to do them. “Maybe I should take an extended leave. Go teach for a few months.”

“Is that what you want to do?” Aaron asked, and Kendra didn’t know how to answer that. She didn’t want to leave, she’d always wanted to do something like this. Help save the world, it was how she’d ended up in the position that she was in anyway. She was good at doing the best for her clients.

But she wasn’t the best at doing what was right for her, and even though part of her was screaming to get out she knew that that wasn’t going to happen. “No. I want to do this, I’ve always wanted to do this. But I serve at the pleasure of the President and maybe I should go before I’m pushed.” It was a simple thought, but she didn’t want to keep dwelling on it. She waved a hand in front of her and changed the subject, hoping that she could just make it through today and regroup over the weekend. 

* * *

***Seth***

Kendra had seemed in better spirits when he’d left her, and Lyor had been put in better spirits when Seth had told him that he was missed the night before. It seemed that today was going to be his day for putting people in good moods, and he was quite happy with that really. He didn’t mind, even, that half of the things he’d wanted to be finished this morning weren’t going to be done until after the last briefing. He was starting to piece some things together when he looked up to see Aaron shutting his door. “You have to talk to Kendra.”

“What?” It had been exactly four hours since they’d arrived and he’d said goodbye to her, he knew that she was going to court for something this afternoon too. What could possibly have happened in so little time that had Aaron coming to his office and telling him that he needed to speak to his girlfriend? 

“She’s thinking of quitting, I think.” Alright, now that was a rather enormous change from the morning and Seth didn’t actually know what to think of it. At least for a moment, then he wondered if Kendra had been internalising the comments the same way that he did. Was she taking everything too much to heart? He would have to find time to talk to her, but it probably wasn’t going to be until he got home. 

“The President?” He asked though he knew he really didn’t have to. There was nothing else right now that would have bothered her like this, he was sure of that. Even her mother wouldn’t have been able to cause this much of a crisis in just a few short hours. Seth actually was slightly worried, but there was nothing he would be able to do until they were alone and with Lyor anyway. “We spoke a little this morning.”

“She seems really bothered by it. Was asking me if she was good at her job.” Well, that somewhat made sense for her to be asking Aaron. He was the one she worked closest with and, occasionally much to Seth’s jealousy and annoyance was the one she had the most cause to spend late nights working with. Not that he’d ever truly admit to that.

“Her mother spending all night last night telling her that she needed to stand up for herself probably hasn’t helped.” Seth was almost sure of that, actually. Especially now he knew what it was that she was being too ‘permissive’ of, in her mother’s words. Judith was wonderfully supportive but sometimes didn’t know when to stop. “Everything that happened since Christmas has just made her… need more reassurance.”

“And the person she needs it from the most is the one being most critical.” Aaron seemed to suddenly realise what it was that was triggering the worst of her worries. It wasn’t that she was getting criticism, it was that she wanted the President to think she was doing a good job. “She’s getting fed up with what’s happening.”

“I’m more worried that she’s going to do something that she regrets,” Seth admitted. If he couldn’t tell his best friend about his worries who could he tell? This was weighing on him and sometimes he needed an opinion other than Lyor, though Lyor was fantastic at giving opinions on some things. 

“Can we all talk to the President? Maybe tell him that he’s being unfair?” Aaron suggested, and while Seth liked the idea in principle it didn’t exactly seem feasible. “He’s doing it to Mike too, but that seems to be more a cold shoulder.” Seth had noticed that too, but Mike hadn’t really complained about it, he’d just kept doing what he was doing.

So Seth didn’t know how to talk about it, or how he would bring it up with the President. Right now, really, all he could think about was the fact that they had no real recourse to make this any better for Kendra or Mike. “How would you start that conversation?” He wondered if Aaron would actually have any idea, really. Seth didn’t actually know whether it would be welcome to do it anyway.

“I have no idea.” Well, that shot that idea right down because if neither of them had any idea how it would go then it wasn’t meant to be and the most they could do was support their friends as and when it was needed. Something that Seth was more than happy to do. Aaron really did seem worried though, and that secretly warmed Seth’s heart. “Just keep an eye on her over the weekend.”

“I will. Hopefully, it will be more blown over by Monday morning.” He had hoped that every weekend since Christmas though, and truthfully it just seemed to be getting worse. Though he was sure that eventually, he was going to be able to not worry all that much about Kendra because something would change. He didn’t know what, but it had to.

“How is the speech coming?” The question Seth hated more than any other, though ‘how is Kendra doing’ was becoming his second most hated. He could try and answer it honestly but he didn’t know if he could, or if there even was a real answer. The parts were coming together, so it was a start.

“Actually feel like I’m getting slightly ahead of it.” He started but saw the opportunity to try and laugh at himself. He needed to do that, and he didn’t know about Aaron but he thought that his friend might actually appreciate that too. “But that could also be that I’ve stopped caring about my career and dignity.”

“That… doesn’t sound good.” Aaron had never been able to tell when Seth was joking. In fact, when Seth thought about it nobody but Kendra actually got his jokes. People said she wasn’t funny either though, so maybe it was something about the fact they had the same humour and nobody else understood it.

“Seriously we’ve got some good stuff.” He could even say that with a straight face because he truly meant it. Over the last 24 hours, all the speechwriters seemed to have pulled themselves together and that was making his job easier. “I’m going to make a first draft over the weekend and then we can start the second draft on Monday.”

“Well, you know where I am if you want me to look over the foreign policy and national security sections.” That was an offer that Seth hadn’t really expected because it was just assumed that someone in Aaron’s position would look it over, so actually being told that it would be okay was a nice change.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Seth smiled, and he probably would have to liaise with Aaron later on in the writing process. The first draft was just so they could see what was working and what wasn’t working. Mostly because Seth wanted to work out how it was all going to go together. There would be plenty of time.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom wasn't sure why he was still fighting her on this because it should have been solved days ago. She still wasn’t doing what he wanted but she had managed to win. Somehow. Tom hadn’t called her in to this meeting, but now that she was here he couldn’t resist saying the first thing that came into his mind. He should stop, he knew this wasn’t fair but he still thought it. “I guess you did the best you could.” 

“The best I… I won!..” Kendra spluttered, and that just made Tom stare at her and Emily seemed about ready to jump in when Kendra carried on speaking, raising her voice above its previous level. “Okay, I'm stepping over that line. What the hell is your problem with me? You heard John, it wasn't down to me, it was down to a guy who wanted to cause people pain.”

“I'm not blaming you.” It was a lie. It was a bold-faced lie but he had convinced himself of it, so why wouldn’t he be able to convince other people. He didn’t blame Kendra, no. She was the root of it all though, and that deserved some anger, right? Some level of responsibility even if it wasn’t blame. 

“Bullshit. You have treated me differently since Christmas, been cold and distant. You refuse to accept my work, getting Lyor to check it over.” Alright, he’d been doing all of that but it hadn’t been personal. She’d had problems, it was making sure that nothing was affecting her work. Right now he was starting to think that everyone telling him that she was fine were trying to wind him up. “I'm not incompetent, but I'm starting to have doubts about you.” That stung, he’d admit it, but not enough for him to stop wanting this to escalate further.

“Ken!” Emily yelled, holding a hand up clearly about to send her out of the room but whatever anger had built up in Kendra wasn’t allowing it. Tom wasn’t going to pretend that he wasn’t secretly finding this darkly entertaining. 

“No, Em. I'm fed up now. None of this is my fault.” Kendra’s voice remained an octave higher than usual and bordered on hysterical but Tom couldn’t find it in him to feel sorry about it. In fact, he wanted to use it, needle her a little bit more and see how far he could push her. See how much he could break her. Maybe that would stop him being so angry about the fact that she was here.

“Maybe your work just hasn't been up to standard Kendra, have you considered that?” Tom knew that it had been. Aaron, Emily and Lyor had all told him that but Tom knew she was still occasionally insecure about it. It was easy, almost too easy. The little angry man that lived inside of him was positively thrilled to be finally saying all of this. “Maybe you aren't as great at what you think?”

“Sir, Kendra's work has been exemplary recently.” Emily tried to interject, tried to stop him tearing Kendra down any further. It was probably for the best, so many lines had been crossed since this discussion had begun, but Tom wasn’t sure that he was ready for it to stop, that he was ready for it to end.

“No, Emily… He doesn't want to hear that. He ways to hear that I'm doing terribly and you know what… I'm tired of it.” Tom watched her as she took a few deep breaths then just turned on her heel towards the door. 

“Where are you going? Ken?” Emily yelled, she’d completely taken over since Tom had continued trying to bait Kendra and that dark part of him couldn’t help but think that it was good she was leaving. Good that she’d lost her temper, good that he wouldn’t have to try and make up an excuse to fire her.

“To write my resignation. You'll have it end of business tomorrow.” Kendra yelled that over her shoulder and only then did it start to sink in that this was a real situation, and he maybe wasn’t dealing as well as he should be. Sometimes he let anger take the wheel in his mind, and it was only when there was a consequence faced that he realised it.

Emily looked like she could slap him too, and the adrenaline started to wear off he realised that she was talking. “Sir… You know that she's not the one in the wrong here, and if she goes through with this resignation you're going to have bigger problems.” Emily’s voice remained the same as it always did. Slow, calm, steady but even he could hear the anger bubbling underneath, and for the first time, he realised it was aimed at him.

What other trouble could he have if Kendra resigned? Nobody else had been the subject of his angry  _ mistreatment _ , if he could even call it that, so he didn’t see how they would have a problem. “I am?” It was going to be easier to ask, but he didn’t know if he actually wanted to know.

“I can't guarantee that half the senior staff won't go with her. Seth definitely will go. Lyor and Aaron might.” They were a very small, tight-knit group anyway, and Emily had been in enough meetings recently to hear the displeasure the staff had about the treatment of both Kendra and Mike. “Nobody has liked the way you've treated her. You've tried to hide it, but we've all seen.”

“Give her an appointment tomorrow evening, I'll apologise.” He spat it out bitterly, though right now he wasn’t sure if he was bitter about having to apologise or being told that he hadn’t been hiding his emotions anywhere near as well as he thought he had been. He’d been sure nobody knew that he wasn’t doing as well as he pretended.

“You have to mean it. Because if you don’t she’ll resign and then it’s game over. We need her, we need Seth and Aaron and Lyor.” Emily kept pushing, and Tom had a feeling that she wasn’t going to stop pushing until he did as she said. “If you don’t fix it your presidency is over.” That seemed pessimistic, at first, but then he realised that she was probably right. He needed his staff, and his staff needed to feel like he trusted them. That was what he had eroded with this behaviour, nothing else. “It isn't her fault that Alex was killed, and you and her need to talk about that.”

“Thank you, Emily.” Tom took a deep breath, but she understood that he needed for her to leave him alone. He knew what he needed to try and do but there was one thing that he needed to do first. He needed to do it and he needed to be absolutely certain that nobody else was going to find out. “Mike, can you get me a car. I want to go visit my wife.” Apologising to Mike could wait another day.

Tom hated this cemetery, even though he had been here every day for almost a week now. It was where Alex was, and that made him feel better but he knew that this wasn’t helping him. Sitting on the floor in front of her newly installed headstone was cold and damp but he still wanted to speak. He wanted to say these last things before he started to make the changes that he needed to make. “I went too far. We all knew that it was coming eventually but I did it today and I feel more awful than I thought I would.” He hadn’t even noticed it all, but now that he was aware of it he just felt guilty.

“I honestly thought that I’d been being fair, or at least hiding it better when I wasn’t. That I hadn’t been letting my bias and anger show… but I had.” He’d been thinking about it a lot more at night recently, maybe that was why the last few days it had been worse, but that wasn’t an excuse. Kendra had been right in what she said, he had wanted her to be doing badly, but not for the reasons she thought. 

“What do I do? I can apologise but will that be enough to stop her leaving?” It was a rhetorical question even if he hadn’t been speaking to a grave. Right now he wasn’t sure that anything would be enough to stop her from leaving. “Will that be enough not to single-handedly destroy my presidency?” Though, if he was honest, his presidency was secondary right now to what he was truly worried about. “Will telling her that it’s because I hate feeling like she is moving on better than I am convince her not to leave?”

“These daily visits aren’t helping me either, and maybe I need to cut down to just coming with Leo and Penny.” He’d thought it would help. He thought that being able to come and sit and talk to her about everything that was in his mind would make him feel more like he was living a normal life, but truthfully it was reminding him that Alex wasn’t here anymore. “I love you, but this is just adding to my bitterness.”

“It’s time I start trying to take control.” He sighed, standing up and putting a hand on the cold, smooth marble before pulling his phone out and stepping away. He knew there was nobody around, and that made this the safest place for him to say these words. “Emily, I need you to call that therapist we spoke about.”


	21. Day Nineteen

**_January 13th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

All night she’d tried to make the resignation letter sound like she wasn’t bitter and angry about it all. She wasn’t sure that it had worked at all until Seth had stepped in this morning and helped her rewrite it. She believed that something like this needed to be hand written, so as she finished copying it up she felt Seth’s gentle kiss on her cheek. “Are you really going to do this, Ken?” He asked quietly, clearly hoping there was still a part of her that wasn’t sure.

“I’m really going to do it.” At least she was if there was no apology. She would have to think if there was, but she knew it was going to take something absolutely enormous on the president’s part. She’d done absolutely everything that she could and she was just ready for it to be over, even if that meant she needed to leave. Checking the time she knew that she needed to get ready, and Seth needed to get to work. “Go to work and I’ll be there in a couple of hours.” 

“Therapy, right?” She smiled, glad that he remembered, and that he’d set her up with this therapist who seemed to be particularly good with grief and trauma. He pulled her to standing and into his arms. She did love that he was this attuned to when she just needed to be held and comforted. “I hope it goes well, I’ll speak to you at work at some point I’m sure.”

“So do I, got a lot to talk about this week.” Kendra had a feeling that the disagreement with the President was going to be the top topic and she needed that to be something she spoke about. She needed to be certain that she wasn’t over-reacting, even though the entire staff had basically told her she wasn’t. It would be nice to hear it from someone else.

“Like your impending resignation?” Seth still sounded slightly sceptical. She knew that he believed her but Kendra was fairly sure that he didn’t believe that she needed to resign over it. Mostly though, the resignation was because the last thing she thought that she could cope with long term was this behaviour.

“You should have been there, Seth. There was nothing else I could have done.” She said almost silently, feeling his arms tightening around her as she said that. She wasn’t going to have time to get ready for work before her counsellor arrived, but given that she was getting a hug she didn’t actually mind that much. 

Seth’s arms around her reminded her that she actually did have a lot of reasons to stay, she just didn’t think about them all that much. If she hadn’t been in this job she never would have met him, or Lyor, and despite it only having been a few months she knew that they were going to have an enormous impact on her life. “There is always something else, Ken. Some other way.” 

“Not this time. You looked the letter over, right?” Being there while he did it apparently didn’t stop her feeling like she needed to ask again. She didn’t want to have to think about the contents of the letter again. She didn’t want to have to wonder if she had said the right things. In her heart, she knew she was leaving for the right reasons but was she really doing the right thing?

“Yes, but I wish you didn’t have to give it to him.” Seth clearly had his doubts, but she knew that he would support her anyway. He’d probably even keep gossiping with her, telling her all about what was happening at the White House. She couldn’t imagine not being with him every day, but right now she was absolutely certain this was her last day as the White House Counsel.

“I wish I didn’t too but here we are.” She kissed his cheek and spent another moment drawing what strength she could from him. It made her feel better knowing that he was there with her and wasn’t going to let anything come between them. “I know the dean at Georgetown Law. I’ll have another job before you know it.” In fact, he’d always said to come to him when she finished her tenure at the White House, so she was going to be able to change with very little problem.

“Try and work something out today Ken, please.” Seth almost begged, and Kendra realised he still wanted to be working with her every day. Sure they may be living together, but she knew that working together was something important to Seth too, and he wanted her to stay. She couldn’t just stay for someone else though, that would be unfair on herself.

“Anything short of a full, unreserved apology will be too little,” Kendra said, and that was her minimum line. There were other things she’d like to be said, or done, but she wasn’t actually believing that any of them would happen. “I’ll try, babe. For you and for Lyor. I’m just not guaranteeing anything.”

“Trying is enough,” Seth said quietly as there was a knock on the door. He then kissed her deeply before heading to the door and stopping. There were still things they needed to say to each other about that, but it would keep until they were at work. “I’ll see you later, love you.”

“Love you.” She replied and waved as he stepped out the door, greeting his friend as they passed each other. Kendra really wasn’t sure how she was supposed to deal with everything, but sitting through another session where she was reminded that she couldn’t control other people and that it wasn’t her responsibility what they believed. It was maybe what she needed to hear, but that didn’t make her happy about it.

After the session was over she got herself ready, using that time to wipe her face and talk through what it was that was worrying her to herself. It was another way of working it out, and then by the time she headed into work she felt like she was actually in control, not only of her actions but also of how she was feeling too. She even managed to get some more work done, organising for whoever would be taking over, and was still focusing on that when Lyor came in and seemed to flounder a second before saying something. “You had therapy today?”

“Yeah. Seth not speaking to me?” She had a feeling that that was why Lyor was struggling so much with how to start the conversation. It was normally the reason. Not that she could blame Seth. “He wasn’t all that impressed that I spent most of last night writing my resignation.”

“What happened last night?” Lyor asked, and Kendra had a feeling that there was some gossip going around, and no doubt Lyor had put together the fact she hadn’t wanted him over last night with that gossip and figured there was at least some truth to it. “Nobody has seen the President this morning, other than Emily, and she’s being tight lipped.”

She hated that she was going to have to explain it, but she knew Lyor would understand. Probably better than anyone else. “I was fed up. Tired of being treated like my input isn’t input, that my help isn’t help.” She managed to make it all sound factual too, as though there was nothing else in it, no emotions attached. Maybe that shouldn’t be something she celebrated. “The President said another passive aggressive little comment and I just… I lost it.”

“You shouldn’t really lose it with the President…” Lyor started, and Kendra just levelled him with a glare as she stood up and came around to lean on the edge of the desk, just wanting to be more on his eye level. After a few seconds of silence, his face split into a smirk. “But it was about damn time. So you’re gonna resign?” It was a question, but it was also a statement. Lyor really did understand.

“Yeah. I’m not sure what else I can do. I was so far over the line I don’t really know what to do.” That line had never seemed further behind than it had been as she walked away from that office, but she found that she didn’t really regret what she’d said, and she definitely didn’t regret what she’d done.

“Given everything that you’ve had to put up with Ken… you realise the reason Seth’s not here is that he’s writing his resignation too.” There was a hint of finality in Lyor’s tone, and that was when Kendra realised that she wasn’t alone. “This is going to affect more than just you. He doesn’t think that you should have to resign given the recent behaviour.”

“I don’t want him to do that. He loves his job.” She hesitated a little because she knew her boyfriend, and she knew that he wasn’t going to be stopped from doing what he thought was right. But it did add an additional level of pressure.

“I wrote mine this morning too. Last I heard Aaron was considering it too.” She was about to argue that, but she had a feeling that Lyor wouldn’t accept it either. He was too much like Seth sometimes and this was one of those moments where she loved them both deeply. “This is about more than you Ken, this is about the principle and all of us are with you.”

“I’m seeing the President at five o’clock. You, Aaron and Seth, should meet me here at five thirty.” She wanted to tell them all together the outcome of the meeting, as she didn’t want Chinese Whispers to start and make it more difficult for her to tell people the truth. “Don’t do anything until then. If there is any way we can make this work… I wanna try.”

“Come here,” Lyor said after a second, pulling her close and kissing her softly as he did. She smiled a little to herself, amazed at the people she had in her life and how much they meant to her, and clearly how much she meant to them. This was fantastic to see. She didn’t expect for them to do anything like this, not for her, and yet here they were. Waiting to know what was going to happen.

* * *

***Seth***

There was something that was bugging Seth about the fact that he had been sent to work. He wasn’t sure what it was, as he would have left her alone anyway. Maybe it was just because it was his first official day living there, or maybe it was the fact it could be Kendra’s last day working at the White House. “Kendra kicked me out of the apartment.” He grumbled when he saw Lyor, knowing that he’d been a little hurt when Kendra had asked him not to come over too. “I mean she had therapy but it’s my place too now.”

“I’d kick you out if I had therapy,” Lyor said, smiling a little as they turned the corner. It seemed like he was in a surprisingly good mood. Seth hadn’t really been expecting that, but he hoped that it meant he wasn’t annoyed that Kendra had wanted to be on her own last night. “Didn’t you need to be here for morning- what is that thing doing here?” Lyor stopped in his tracks looking straight over Seth’s shoulder.

“What thing?” He had to ask. He didn’t want to turn around until he knew what it was and if it was likely to make him yell, scream or burst out laughing. From the look on Lyor’s face, it really could have been any of the above, and he wouldn’t want to try and take a bet on it until there was slightly more context.

“My nemesis,” Lyor said, narrowing his eyes into a glare. Maybe to Lyor that narrowed it down, but Seth actually just found it even more confusing. Especially since that could have covered almost everyone from the Fed Chair down to Kendra’s god-daughter. There were a lot of people Lyor claimed were his nemesis.

“Lyor babe that doesn’t really narrow it dow…n…” Seth mumbled as he turned his head around and his brain stopped mid-thought. There at the end of the corridor was the glass cage that was oh so familiar. “Is that the frog?” He asked, turning around and starting to walk toward it. He needed to know if his initial thought was right. 

“It can’t be, can it?” Lyor asked, seemingly as confused and mildly concerned about it. Seth was never really going to forget the first time Lyor had been dealing with Hylidae Kirkmanus. It had been both hilarious and frustrating. They had only known each other a couple of weeks then. He was fairly sure that he would have found it a lot more endearing now.

“I think it is. I knew the President arranged to have it returned but…” He remembered that conversation, but he had just assumed that the frog had gone straight to the residence. Seth hoped beyond hope that it wasn’t going to be left in the West Wing. “Maybe someone else will have to deal with this.”

Lyor was not paying attention to a single word, his focus entirely on the small frog. “Are you the same frog?” Almost instantly the frog let out a high pitched scream and as Seth jumped back Lyor just tilted his head. “Yes, yes you are. I swear we’re going to have it out this time. Kendra is not going to distract me.” 

“ _ Lyor _ .” Seth snapped, hoping that it would pull Lyor out of his frog-induced trance. They had bigger fish to fry right now, and the frog was definitely a secondary concern. “Forget about the frog.” He tugged Lyor’s arm and was glad that he followed fairly easily.

“I never forget about the frog,” Lyor said, still looking back over his shoulder to the glass home of their newest… pet? What the hell did they even call the thing? As he kept walking and tugging Lyor away he waited to see how long it took for him to refocus on the point of the conversation. It turned out they were in Seth’s office before he did. “Oh, yeah. Kendra. So, do you think she’s actually going to resign?”

“Not a clue, but if she does I’m going too.” Seth hadn’t told her that, but the decision was made. “You’ve seen how the President’s treated her over the last three weeks, she shouldn’t be punished for finally having had enough of being his metaphorical punching bag.”

“I don’t disagree, but I don’t know how much it’ll help.” Lyor had a point too. Seth wasn’t sure how much his resignation would help, but he wasn’t sure that he would be able to continue working here knowing that Kendra had only stood up for herself and had to leave because of it. There was just something unfair about it, and he wasn’t sure how to overlook it at all.

“It probably won’t, but it’ll make me feel better. Aaron’s not happy about it either.” They had been texting through the night about it, just as he had been with Lyor, and he knew that there was a lot of displeasure about what was happening. “We’ll know at the end of the day, I guess.” One way or another, they would have an answer before they went home, and they would know if they were all going to be working together or not.

So, the last thing that Seth needed was Tiffany Gimble. The absolute last thing that he needed. He would deal with anyone else in the entire world, he would deal with the reincarnation of Hitler if he had to. Anyone, anyone but Tiffany. Especially when she said the words that he would have dreaded hearing even if he didn’t live with subject of the inquiry. “I heard Kendra blew up at the President last night.”

“Always nice to see you, Tiffany.” He was going to try and brush it off, portray it as a non-story. In fact, it pretty much was a non-story. Seth was pretty sure the entire West Wing had heard the rumour by now but given that none of the other press teams were pursuing it and they were all taking this slow Saturday to have a break and let their interns rule the roost… He wondered why Tiffany had decided to come in.

“So, is it true?” She pressed on, just as serious about following the story as he was about writing it off. It would be a bigger issue tomorrow if the majority of the senior staff all resigned at once, but right now and hopefully the rest of time, it was a non-issue and a personal matter between staff.

“I don’t speak about the internal, private conversations of the White House you know that.” He kept dodging, hoping that she’d get the picture.  _ It was a personal matter _ and Seth wasn’t going to talk about it. If the President, or Kendra, decided they wanted to talk about it then he’d change that stance. Right now though, it was private.

“If the White House Counsel and the President are having an argument don’t you think the public deserves to know?” Now even Tiffany was stretching. There was no way that this would be in the public interest no matter what happened, and the fact that she was trying to use that was kind of saddening. 

“Because it’s going to do exactly what?” Seth asked. If it was Aaron, or a secretary, or even Emily it would be a big story. Kendra was only nominally involved in most things, and of the senior staff was the most junior. She could have an argument with the entire cabinet and it would still be nothing serious. “It’s nothing but gossip if it happened, and I thought even you were above that.”

“Are you protecting her because she’s your girlfriend?” That was also an original attempt to convince him to talk. It hadn’t worked before when she’d tried to threaten him with it, and it wasn’t going to convince him now.

“I’m not protecting anything or anyone right now. I’m just disappointed that you’ve dropped so low as to be peddling gossip.” He hoped that the amount of disappointment and mild distress in his voice helped sell the fact that he’d expected more of her. And truthfully he had, he didn’t know when she’d become such a gossip merchant.

“Slow news day, what can I say?” She tried to defend and Seth just rolled his eyes. It wasn’t just a slow news day, it was a slow news Saturday. They’d come in late, that was the only reason he was even still here. Well, that and waiting for Kendra’s meeting with the President, but he wasn’t going to mention  _ that _ .

“That you’re going to do what the rest of the senior press corps did and take a day off to spend with your family or sacrifice a goat.” Alright, that was possibly a little bit of a low blow but maybe it would make Tiffany see how ridiculous it was that she was here. “You know. Whatever you do in your free time. I’m going to go and enjoy mine.” He didn’t actually have to do anything else today unless there was an emergency. Maybe going and sitting in Kendra’s office and annoying her would be a good way to pass the afternoon.

* * *

***Tom***

He hadn’t really wanted to face the day today. It had taken him a lot longer to get out of bed than he would like and even through helping Penny and Leo with their homework he’d felt distracted. Walking down to the West Wing he’d actually dawdled. Having it pointed out that he’d been letting Alex’s death affect him this much had actually just served to remind him that he had never been very good at being on his own. Almost the moment Emily walked into his office he looked at her and frowned. “Did you call the therapist?”

“I did. He had an appointment this morning, but he’ll come around this afternoon.” That was sooner than he’d been expecting, but there was a moment of welcome relief. He knew that Emily, in particular, had reservations about how the public would take it if they discovered he was seeing a therapist, but it would go on in the residence, under the guise of family counselling. “Are you sure about this?”

“At this point it is all I can do.” He couldn’t lose his staff, any of them. They worked so well together that they knew what he’d want long before he would ever say anything. They were already giving him the options before he even knew he needed them. “You were right last night, and I need to start regaining control.” He paused for a second before thinking of how to continue. “Alex is gone and she’s never coming back. I need my friends, my staff, to make sure that I can keep going and do what this country needs.”

“Are you trying to convince me or you sir?” Emily asked, and at that particular moment Tom didn’t even know, nor did he particularly care. He just needed to say it out loud. Maybe he was trying to convince them both and anyone else who may or may not have been listening that he was ready to commit to this.

“Both, almost definitely both.”  He mumbled, not meaning for it to come out as reluctantly as it sounded. He was just far too concerned about everything that he might bring up in the session. He knew that it would be covered by privilege, but he didn’t want to depend on that, not really.

“You don’t need to convince me, sir. I know that you need something to help you through all this.” Emily sounded full of support and that did help to settle Tom a little bit more. He hadn’t actually planned on ever doing this, so to know that multiple people would be here to help him was making him certain that he was going to make it through.

“So what time will he be here?” Early afternoon, he hoped. If only so that he might be able to have a break before Kendra came. He was still dreading that conversation but it was also one that needed to happen regardless of how much he wanted it. This wasn’t a matter that could be dealt with by him reminding everyone that he was the president. He was the problem here.

“Around 1, and I have Kendra coming to see you at five.” Emily then looked at him seriously and frowned a little. “I spoke to Seth this morning and she wrote her resignation letter last night. I know for fact he and Lyor are both working on theirs. Aaron could go either way, but he’s appreciated having Kendra around when he needed legal help.”

“In essence, you’re telling me I need to suck it up.” Emily had known him for so long, of course, she could see straight through him and knew that he had needed to be reminded, once again, of the stakes of this going badly.

“If you want to lose three-quarters of your senior staff and your NSA, no. If you want to keep your staff… then yes.” Blunt, but accurate. Tom didn’t need to ask where her loyalty lied, but it wasn’t really about that now. It was about keeping the team together.

“Thank you, Emily.” He genuinely meant that and for the first time since this had all began he actually felt like maybe he could actually do this on his own. “I’ll apologise.” Reassuring her had been the start. He’d done his work, then sat through the therapy. Well, he attempted too anyway.

The therapy session hadn’t gone nearly as well as he’d thought it would, but the angry ranting did help him feel more like he was in control, and having someone neutral to listen meant that by the time it was done he was calmer and able to think through what he wanted to say to his Counsel much more clearly. The therapist had been in complete agreement that he was the one in the wrong, and that had convinced him that he truly needed to apologise. When she knocked on the door he took a deep breath and knew it was time to face the music. “Come. Kendra, thank you for coming.”

“Yes, sir.” She was stiff, formal, and Tom couldn’t blame her. He had needed people to give him examples, but as soon as he had some it became obvious just how badly he had actually been treating her, and all of a sudden he had blamed her even less for reaching her breaking point. “About last night, I should probably explain-”

“You don’t need to. I had it pointed out to me… multiple times… that, however, well I believed I was coping, that wasn’t the actual reality. I wasn’t really coping well at all.” He saw the look of shocked surprise on her face and wondered what she’d thought he was going to say. He saw the envelope in her hands but hoped she wasn’t going to hand it to him. “I was taking it out on you, and for that I’m sorry.”

“I… I appreciate that sir, but I don’t…” She was clearly battling with her desire to accept his apology and something else. He didn’t know what, but he had a feeling that when she regained her ability to speak. She floundered another couple of moments then clearly decided that she could speak freely. “I can’t remain on your staff if you’re going to keep using me as a punching bag.” That hurt to hear, but Tom had to accept it. She probably did feel that way, especially recently. “This is all I’ve ever wanted to do, but I’m having enough problems I don’t need more.”

“While I can’t promise that I’ll never say a harsh word again, I can promise you that I am trying to work on it.” Whether that would be enough for her he didn’t know. There were private things that he, quite obviously, wasn’t going to share so he hoped that that would be enough, or that the things he was willing to share would be at least.

“Alright…” She sounded unconvinced, and Tom knew he was going to have to tell her. There was an agreement that nobody would know he was seeing a therapist, but he felt like his senior staff needed to know, Kendra would no doubt tell Seth, probably Lyor and possibly Aaron, and then he wouldn’t have to have this conversation again.

“You mentioned once that you had started therapy and that you thought I should…” He knew that she hadn’t thought he ever would, at that time he hadn’t thought he would. But here he was. “Well… I started this afternoon.” That was as far as he was going with that, but he saw the softening of her expression as he nodded. “I’m hoping that that will show enough change to convince you that I am serious about this and that you understand that I want you to stay on.”

“Truthfully?” The voice that whispered that sounded more like a young girl who wanted an assurance from her father than a grown woman in a professional situation, but Tom was willing to overlook that, he needed to learn not to be so critical of her again. He’d often told Alex that Kendra was the second best lawyer he knew, he needed to trust that again too.

“Yes. I don’t want you to leave, and I can’t imagine anyone else in your position.” If she left, they would go back to outsourcing. It had taken close to a year to find her, and he hadn’t wanted to think about what it would take to find someone else who could begin to fit in the way she had. “I’ll give you an hour, if I don’t see you again, I’ll assume you’re staying on.”

“Yes sir, thank you.” She nodded then turned and walked out, no doubt heading to talk to whoever was waiting to hear the outcome of the meeting. They would probably know before he did whether she was going to stay on or not. It was going to be a rough hour, and likely a rough few days, but he hoped that this was the beginning of turning the corner.


	22. Day Twenty

**_January 14th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had struggled to stay asleep when the sun had come up. She didn’t normally have trouble, but this morning the light just made her start tossing and turning. When she felt Lyor getting out of the bed she pushed herself up and tried to put her finger on why she was awake. Like most mornings they were up before Seth they were both quiet, making coffee and just both thinking their own things. Kendra just didn’t know why she was having so much trouble this morning. She felt a million miles away, and it seemed like it was showing. “What’s bothering you?”

That forced her to think on it, and about how she could phrase it. There weren’t many good ways to say what it was that was bothering her. “The President.” It was a start, and Lyor just tilted his head slightly in a gesture that let her know he was listening. “He seemed so sincere last night but how do I know he was really sincere? How do I know he wasn’t only apologising because Emily knew you all were going to resign with me if I really went.”

“He’s not the kind of man who can lie like that, Ken. Much to my eternal annoyance.” Lyor sighed, and most people would have thought that the deadpan delivery was him being serious, but Kendra knew him better than that. “You’re the best lawyer most of us will ever meet, and despite his feelings right now Kendra he’s not going to let that go.”

“Thank you.” She smiled a little and looked over her shoulder back toward the bedroom. It was still quite early but she was going to have to leave soon, and she knew that Seth liked coming when they had the chance. “At what point do you think we should wake him up?” She did want to particularly, but she wanted for Lyor to agree with that before she just went without him.

“He’s had a busy week, let him sleep,” Lyor said a second later giving her the permission to let him sleep. She wished that she’d slept even half as well as Seth was doing today. Lyor seemed to be enjoying himself though. “Apparently he insinuated that Tiffany sacrifices goats in her free time yesterday.” 

“Are you gossiping with me, Lyor?” How did she, the person least interested in gossip on the planet, end up in a relationship with two people who adored to gossip. Normally they just gossiped with each other and let her watch TV, but when it was about one of them she wasn’t sure that she could ever avoid it.

“Well, nobody else cares about Tiffany Gimble,” Lyor said, and that was where they lost Kendra. She didn’t care about any of this. She just didn’t see why it mattered, and since she was sure that the three of them were the subject of a good amount of gossip she didn’t like playing into the culture.

“Why do you two hate her?” It was a simple question and Kendra just wondered if it was because she was often a pain in their sides. She’d spoken to the woman earlier in the month, though it had turned out to be pointless after the disaster trip to California, and hadn’t found her all that annoying. 

“I don’t hate her. I nothing her. That’s worse than hating her.” Lyor tried to say, and it just caused Kendra to look at him in utter confusion. Did he really think that this was having no feelings for someone? “She means so little to me that she’s nothing.”

“It’s a Sunday morning, I’m about to get ready for church and you’re telling me about something that Seth may have said to her.” Kendra pointed out because she thought that it was fairly obvious that Lyor was actually not all that little about how he felt about Tiffany. “That’s not nothing. That’s definitely something. I don’t know what it is but it’s something.” 

“Go to church,” Lyor said before she actually said anything else. That’s when she realised that she’d maybe hit a little close to home and Lyor actually did care, a little, about Tiffany Gimble, even if it was in the negative. “He’ll be sorry he missed it.” Lyor nodded to Seth and Kendra couldn't help but snicker a little to herself.

“No he won’t, he only comes with me because Sister Mary Megan feeds him cannoli while I’m talking to people with my mother.” That had been the main reason that he seemed to keep coming with her. He did get fed a lot of cannoli and she got to keep the community she had built up around her when she was young.

“Wait, really?” Lyor looked hopeful and surprised and Kendra was already sure that she was going to regret having told him this part of her Sunday routine. “Can I come to church?” Oh, wouldn't that look great at a Catholic service? Kendra and her boyfriend, and her other boyfriend. She was fairly sure she could see the heart attacks coming.

“No!” She yelped, refusing to think about how this would happen or if she could ever let it happen. She loved Lyor, but him in her church was terrifying. Though she was sure that some of the nuns would love him, and probably he’d remind them of when she was younger. “I’ll see you in a few of hours.” She grinned then leant over to kiss him softly before going to get dressed and head out.

Kendra wasn’t a strict Catholic, some months she barely even passed as a practising Catholic if the White House was busy or she was tired. Recently though she’d barely been. In fact, this would only be the second time since Christmas, and the first time she’d only survived because she’d had Seth and her mother there. This service was much quieter, and nowhere near as busy, and that suited her mood. Clearly, she lingered a little too long after mass, as when she next looked up there was the bug eyes and warm smile of Sister Mary Megan. She had always been Kendra’s favourite, and even if she was going a little senile now she was still one of the sweetest women Kendra had the pleasure of knowing. “Kendra, what’s troubling you, sweetheart?”

“Work, Sister,” Kendra admitted, and she would have left it at that, but if she couldn’t unburden herself to a nun who could she speak to? She didn’t need anonymity, nor was that what she wanted. She just wanted someone to listen who would tell her that it was all okay. “I’ve had a hard week and I’m not sure that I did the right thing.”

“Did you do what your heart told you?” That had always been Sister Mary Megan’s advice. If it was in your heart, and it was telling you that you did the right thing, then the chances were that you did the right thing. That was a lesson she had taken to heart when she was younger and it had lived with her until the White House. Unfortunately, her heart was too sore to tell her how it was feeling.

“My heart was too hurt to be telling me anything.” She said, and she felt a few tears slip out the corners of her eyes. She hadn’t even realised she was welling up. Almost instantly there was a hanky in front of her, and Kendra took it gratefully. “I forgave, I am trying to move on from it but how do I trust someone who has hurt me more than once recently?”

“Is this person a good person in their heart?” That was a harder question for her to answer. Tom Kirkman before Christmas had been one of the most loving, kind and sweet people that she’d ever been fortunate enough to know, but the last month had been awful for him, even before the events of Christmas Day, maybe it wasn’t all that surprising that he was struggling too right now.

“He is. He’s one of the best, he’s just also having a hard time right now.” She thought that that was the best way to phrase it. Kendra wasn’t even sure, exactly, if the Sister remembered where she worked or who she could possibly be talking about. So that made it easier to just open up and say the thing that was really bothering her. “I want to try and help more, but he doesn’t accept it.”

“Kendra, ever since you were a little girl you’ve always wanted to fix people. Sometimes, they need to fix themselves.” Once again, Sister Mary Megan made it clear that she knew people, even if she didn’t know where she was some days. Kendra had always been a fixer, it was part of what drove her to study the law, but she had never lost that desire to help and fix something. “Just you wait. Trust me. He will come around and need you more than ever.”

“Yes, sister. Thank you.” She meant that sincerely. It had given her another thought on this situation, and maybe, just maybe, there was more to it than she had been thinking about. It wasn’t only her that had been getting this treatment, and she knew that there was a lot she didn’t see. Giving the President the benefit of the doubt right now was likely to be rewarding in the long run.

“Have a cannoli.” Sister Mary Megan said out of the blue, and Kendra had even almost forgotten she was still sat there. She took the treat and smiled, accepting the little encouragement from her mentor to go and join the friends she’d had for years, along with her mother, talking and sharing about their lives the last week. Maybe this was part of the start of getting back to normal. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

* * *

***Seth***

Sleeping well was not something that had been common since Christmas, but it seemed to be getting better, and today Seth woke up and for the first time he could think of he didn’t feel like he was still groggy. When he opened his eyes he saw the sunlight through the open curtains. Reaching out he could feel Lyor behind him, but Kendra’s place in the bed was empty. He wondered how long he’d actually been asleep. “What time is it?” He mumbled, knowing that if it was this bright Lyor would be awake, just laying in bed for the company, and the warmth. 

“Almost eleven.” The response was almost instant, and all Seth could think was that he hadn’t slept for twelve hours solid since he was a teenager. He had been due a day to just collapse and sleep, catch up on everything that he hadn’t had. “You’ve slept all morning.” That was something quite obvious by the time.

“Kendra gone to church?” He asked, not sure if she would have gone without him. She would probably have been in the bed with them if she’d decided to skip it, but he still wanted to ask because he hoped that she felt ready to go. Ever since he’d met her going to Church had been a big part of her routine.

“Yeah. She told me about the cannoli nun.” Dammit! That had been Seth’s secret, and the main reason he had started going with her when they started dating. She had said that it was a big part of who she was, so he went. Then he was fed cannoli and hadn’t minded going back so much. Kendra liked being able to show him off, and he’d had cannoli.

But that didn’t mean he should ever, ever let Lyor fall into the same trap that he had when it came to Sister Mary Megan. She was Kendra’s favourite, and there were no doubts at all about who would win that fight. “I learnt the hard way,  _ do not _ call her the cannoli nun to Kendra. She throws things at you, hard.” Alright, that was hyperbole and Lyor would know that, but it was still good advice.

“What’s the nun called?” Lyor was never likely to go to church, at least Seth didn’t think he was, so why he wanted to know was beyond him. It wasn’t going to hurt, though, and it would probably have been good for Lyor to use the correct name when they spoke about her. Seth didn’t even remember any other names, really, but that one stuck out.

“Sister Mary Megan. She was Kendra’s favourite Sunday school teacher when she was little.” Seth was still hoping that eventually, they would get some good stories out of that. Seth somehow thought that Kendra was probably the type of kid who had never stopped asking questions. “That’s still who she turns to when she feels like she can’t talk to us, or if she needs another opinion.” 

“Answer me something though, she still drives out to the ass end of nowhere to go to church?”  Lyor seemed confused about that, and Seth understood why. There were plenty of places for Kendra to go much closer to home, but she was set in her ways and her community was out there. He also knew that she liked the time she got to spend with her mother.

“She picks her mother up too.” He remembered that level of uncomfortable the first time, as that was also the first time he’d been meeting Judith, and he hadn’t really expected the whirlwind that was Judith Daynes at that point. Kendra did not do a good job of preparing people for meeting her mother. If she was at church all day Seth wondered if they could maybe do something else to cheer her up. This weekend had been rough and he just wanted to spoil her a little. “We should do something for her.”

“Like what?” Lyor asked though he did at least look interested. The fact that they hadn’t even moved from bed did make it even easier to think about something like this. It was something that made him wonder if they should make absolutely every decision in their life while they were laid in bed.

Though, he still didn’t know what. Kendra was the most difficult person to do anything for, she didn’t tend to ask for anything and she rarely, if ever, asked for anything to be done for her. “I don’t know. But something.” 

“Seth Wright, full of good ideas.” Lyor teased, finally actually rolling over to face him. It was much nicer to be able to speak to his face rather than his back, though still mostly he just wanted to know what they could do for Kendra. There was another reason he didn’t want to let his mind idle.

“Hey, I get  _ one day  _ to not worry about the State of the Union, don’t ruin this for me.” He knew that the stress had been building, but they had been so late getting to the President’s ideas about it that even all the work they’d put in beforehand had been derailed at Christmas and other things had become a higher priority. 

Lyor seemed to take that to heart and they both fell silent for a few minutes, thinking to themselves. Seth knew that Kendra wasn’t much for going out to eat, not with the both of them because she didn’t get to cuddle with them both. Everything else that came to his mind it was too cold to do. “Do you know her favourite food?” Lyor ended up asking quietly.

“There is this vegan channel she watches on YouTube when she can’t sleep that does a jackfruit taco.” Seth sat up and grabbed Kendra’s tablet, knowing her pin code so he could get in and find the channel. They’d only spoken about it a couple of times, but it was enough for him to remember. When he found it he showed Lyor the picture and smiled. “She always has the ingredients in the kitchen. Maybe we should make her those?”

“You think she’d appreciate them?” It was a good question, but on balance, Seth was pretty sure that she would and he didn’t want to think about what would happen if she didn’t. Lyor’s face was, once again, a mask of mild confusion and Seth wondered what had thrown him off this time. “Alright, I know Kendra is vegetarian but I thought she still had cheese and milk and things?”

“She does, she just likes vegan food too.” At least that was an easy answer and was a question that Seth himself had once had. Between the two of them, he’d learnt a lot in the last few months about both vegetarianism and being gluten-free. “Let’s try and make them, at least.”

“You remember that I can’t cook, right?” Lyor grumbled as Seth started to get out of bed. They had a plan now and they needed to have them made by the time Kendra came home. If only because he was sure that she’d want to make them something for dessert. As for Lyor not being able to cook, it was only a small detail and an insignificant one at that. 

“I can though. You just… do what I tell you.” He smirked a little and grabbed his pyjama top. There was no point in getting dressed if he wasn’t going to be leaving the house, was there? He could do everything in his pyjamas and enjoy the day with someone he cared about, making something for another.

The woman making the video was very, very excited and enthusiastic about her food, and that made Seth feel more confident about what he was doing. He followed the recipe and watched the video along with each step. He had to admit, he was quite glad none of them minded adding spices to their food. It ended up smelling amazing.

“Hey boys.” Kendra smiled as she walked through the door, and Seth was glad to see that they had somehow managed to time this perfectly. Seth assumed she was taking her coat off while she continued speaking and hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t in the living room. “You wouldn’t believe church today. Seth, my mom told me to tell you that Janice Brooks admitted to her husband and you were right to tell her.”

“That sounds like good gossip,” Lyor said, and that drew Kendra’s attention to where they actually were stood. Seth smiled a little as she started over and wanted to elbow Lyor for not letting her figured it out for herself. He never could keep his mouth closed, especially when there was an opportunity for gossip.

“You don’t even know these people!?” Kendra spluttered, and it was both a question and a statement. It just reminded Seth that, of the three of them, she was the one who didn’t really care about gossip and that Lyor was the one who knew all the business about everyone they knew. Whether they worked in the White House or not.

“I might know them one day, Ken.” Seth snickered at that, not really sure how Kendra would take it but Seth would always find the mental picture of Lyor around her church people amusing.

“I’ll text your mom later. Lyor and I have a surprise for you, I hope you’re hungry.” Alright, he couldn’t wait anymore to show her what they’d been making. He felt like a child, but they had worked quite hard. He was no slouch in the kitchen but to make everything taste good he had had to be very particular.

“I’m famished. Other than the cannoli that Sister Mary Megan made me eat I haven’t eaten today. No, Communion doesn’t count, Lyor.” Kendra preempted the question, and truthfully Seth was a little glad about that, he didn’t need to listen to that speech again. She came around the counter a little to where the plates were and just froze. “Are those… are those my favourite jackfruit tacos?”

“Yeah. You’ve mentioned them so many times and we thought you deserved this.” Seth smiled, stepping up to her and wrapping an arm around her waist, smiling a little when Lyor stepped up to her other side. “We love you.”

“I love you both too, oh so much.” It was nice to see a smile so huge on Kendra’s face, as it had been quite a while since he’d actually seen her so happy. He knew that things were difficult but that wasn’t really changing much anymore, they had to get used to the changes in their lives. “What did I do to deserve you, huh?” She asked sarcastically then kissed them both before grabbing a plate. It was going to be a good evening, he hoped.

* * *

***Tom***

For the first time in almost three weeks, Tom woke up and didn’t dread the day. He’d done the night-time routine that the therapist had suggested, and having the list of emotions to look at first thing made him determined to try and avoid feeling them that day. He wasn’t even fully out of bed when he had his first shout of the day. “Daddy!” At first, he thought Penny was up early, then remembered he hadn’t set a wake-up call this morning. “Can I see Kendra today?”

“She has the day off, little Pea. How about you spend it with me instead?” Tom wouldn’t deny that he wasn’t a little hurt that Penny had asked about someone else first thing, especially since it was the first Sunday they’d had together where he hadn’t had to go and work or do something that took him away.

“OK, that will be fun too.” Penny smiled, and she actually didn’t seem all that disappointed that she couldn’t see Kendra. Tom took heart from that, maybe she’d just thought that he would be too busy to spend time with her today, and that’s why she’d wanted Kendra first. When Penny sat on the edge of the bed she looked at him and Tom could feel Alex in that glare. “You’ve been happier this morning.”

“Have I?” One session and one day had apparently made a difference, or maybe it was knowing that he was going to have somewhere safe to let those emotions out. He didn’t have to be quite so tightly wound. “Well, I’ll keep trying to be happier then.” He wouldn’t promise her anything, he didn’t want to let her down, but he could tell her that he would try and try and try again to keep this change.

“Good.” Penny nodded, seemingly not caring about it being a promise and far more interested in what they could do for the day. “Can we play a game, maybe get Leo to play too?” Penny had her back to the door now as she spoke, but now that he was up and in something that resembled casual wear he decided that it was time they went through to the family room and did something, at least. A game was as good a thing as any.

Walking out the bedroom meant that he saw Emily coming, and he tried to pretend that he wasn’t mildly annoyed. It was a good day, it was a quiet day. He didn’t want to have to break this up and go into the office. “Why don’t you go get Leo and convince him to come and play while I talk to Emily?” He wasn’t leaving this corridor, nope. It wasn’t happening. He wanted a day off.

“Alright, Emily can play too if she wants,” Penny said that as though she didn’t really care either way if Emily played or not. Tom wasn’t sure where the mild animosity came from, but Penny really didn’t seem to like Emily very much anymore, and that was making it harder when she needed to come to the residence.

“I’ve got to get back to the West Wing soon Pen, but thank you for asking me.” Emily hadn’t always been quite so diplomatic, especially with children, but it seemed like she had started to master it now. Probably also because of him, almost all the major changes in the White House over the last few weeks were attributable to him in one way or another.

“Go on, I’ll meet you through there,” Tom told Penny quietly, smiling softly as she just looked at him and watched as she ran away. There was a part of Tom that wanted to know if they had to do anything today, but at the same time, she was pretty sure that Emily wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t something important. “Can it wait?”

“It could, but I want to get right on it tomorrow morning.” Alright, Tom could understand that, so instead of pushing and seeing what she could start with. Tom knew that she had a few things on her mind that would bring her here. “Sir, the one thing that the last 3 weeks, and also this weekends… issues… have shown me is that we’re drastically understaffed still?”

“We are?” That didn’t really seem entirely possible to him. Maybe though, that was because he was quite isolated here. He’d never realised that the Presidency was quite such a lonely job. He only really spoke to Wyatt and the senior staff. Of all the other staff he never saw them. He had thought that Kendra’s position was the last one that needed filling. At least, it was the last one that Emily had been nagging him about.

“Usually the presidential senior staff is 10, that’s without advisors. So taking Aaron out you have 4.” Alright, maybe he was a little understaffed compared to other presidents, but this was working, wasn’t it? “None of us have deputies, we never hired a communications director, we were just happy letting Seth do double duty.”

“And you think that that’s not possible any longer?” Tom thought that Seth had been doing wonderfully, but he had a private life too, and maybe asking him to do the job of two important positions it was too much. Tom had never heard him complain, but that was probably more a sign that Seth never complained.

“I think it’s putting too much pressure on everyone,” Emily said honestly, and Tom just nodded. He didn’t really want to be involved in picking these new staffers until the rest of the staff approved. That seemed like it would be a good way to close out the process, and Tom wouldn’t pass on someone the rest liked. “We don’t need anyone burning out, least of all Seth.”

“You want me to let you hire some new people?” It was a simple question, but one that Tom felt was absolutely necessary. He didn’t know how he’d cope with new people right now, but Emily was right, they needed this.

“Yes, sir. A communications director, at the very least. Then deputies for them, Seth, Kendra…” She tilted her head a little and Tom realised that she was thinking how much further he could push it and changing her mind. “I’m willing to leave it at just that unless we have further issues.” 

“What about your deputy?” Tom didn’t want to leave Emily stuck, and he realised that her name was the one that was missing. He didn’t really know why she’d left herself out, but he was sure that she had a plan or at least some idea of what she was going to do.

“I want you to appoint Lyor.” Well, that explained it and Tom actually liked that idea. They only reason they hadn’t appointed Lyor at first was how much trouble Seth and Aaron had seemed to have with him. Seth no longer had any problems, in fact, they seemed to be the best of friends, and even Aaron had learnt when to listen to him. “Political advisor generally fell into the remit of the Deputy Chief of Staff and it’s a job that I think Lyor would excel at.”

“I think you’re right. Set all of this in motion. But get Seth and Kendra’s ideas on who they want as their deputies.” Tom didn’t want to push them into taking people they didn’t want. He thought that they would know their departments the best, especially Kendra. They had the entire pool of political talent to choose from. “I want Seth’s opinion on Communications, too.” He said, and after only a few more words Emily just nodded and headed back down to the West Wing, leaving Tom to spend the day with his kids.

And what a day it ended up being. A board game turned into helping with homework, which then ended up turning into another board game. Now they were half an hour into a game of monopoly and Tom remembered why Alex had banned them all from playing this. Nobody would agree on anything, and Penny somehow always won. “Hey, that’s cheating!”

“No, it’s not. I have the money to buy it, I landed on it, so I’m buying it.” Penny responded, despite Leo’s annoyance she was handing her monopoly money to him and Tom was looking for the property card to give her. She was far too good at this for a ten-year-old. 

“Now I remember why we never played monopoly.” He mumbled as Leo’s protestations continued. Tom wasn’t anywhere near as prepared for this game as he’d been assuming, and he kept looking across the table to where Alex would normally have sat. Despite the tinges of sadness that came with that, Tom had been having a great day. “Leo, she’s right she can do that. She hasn’t turned it down so it doesn’t go to an auction.” 

“I think I preferred it when we were playing scrabble,” Leo grumbled. Tom wasn’t surprised about that, he was studying for his SATs and had won every word, and that had ended in Penny in tears and even Tom not having the best time with it. 

Penny wasn’t going to let him forget why they’d stopped playing that either, it seemed. Tom had to laugh at the fact Penny was never going to let anyone take advantage of her. “You’re bigger than me you kept winning!” She said and handed Tom the dice calmly. His move would probably decide whether his kids killed each other or not. He wasn’t sure he liked that responsibility.

“How about we go down and see if we can have pancakes for dinner?” That was the only thing that he could think would actually stop them both and end the game so that nobody could gloat. It wasn’t a big problem, either way, Tom just didn’t want to deal with it.

“Yey pancakes!” Penny yelled and jumped up immediately. She did love pancakes, at least she did when Tom wasn’t the one making them. “Game over, come on everybody I want pancakes.” 

“You did that to stop the fighting didn’t you?” Leo saw right through him, and Tom didn’t mind that at all. In a few months, Leo would be getting ready to go off to college and it would just be Tom and Penny. He’d never really thought about that.

“Who, me? Would I?” He tried to make it sound like the joke that it was, but it maybe didn’t really work as well as he thought that it did. Leo just gave him the look that Tom wanted to call ‘confused and embarrassed teenagers’. He loved being the one to bring out that look in his son and was glad that it was one his daughter hadn’t yet developed. 

“Without a second thought,” Leo said seriously, helping him finish cleaning the board away, Penny already halfway to the kitchens to ask for pancakes. Leo seemed to want to talk to him instead. “This has been really nice dad. It’s nice to have you back.”

“It’s been nice to be back.” Tom smiled, giving Leo a hug as they all started walking through. He felt better, more like he was able to handle it. Or maybe the anger was just starting to let go of the hold it had had on him. Maybe this wasn’t going to be the easiest way to continue, but he was willing to focus on things like this, rather than on the past. They had to look forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, the recipe Seth and Lyor use in this chapter is here. [Lauren Toyota's Poblano Pepper and Jackfruit Taco.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTbZwxfsYNM) I am a huge fan of Lauren Toyota and all her food and if you're even curious about vegan and vegetarian cooking I recommend her channel highly.


	23. Day Twenty One

**_January 15th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra had never been that much of a fan of being summoned to the Chief of Staff’s office but right now she didn’t feel like she had all that much say in it. So she’d just turned up when she was told to turn up and was actually unsurprised that Seth was there too. He, on the other hand, did seem quite surprised to see her. “Did Emily call you here too?”

“Yeah, you as well?” That was a dumb question, of course, him as well, he’s actually said that. Wow, she really wasn’t on her game yet today. She’d been slow to wake up and still hadn’t quite caught up with the idea that she needed to be conscious to do her job. Seth, thankfully, just wrapped his arm around her and gave her a reassuring squeeze. She was making a mental note to drink three mugs of coffee before she went back to her office. 

“What do you think this is about?” He asked, and Kendra had to wonder about that. Why would they have been called here, together, while nobody else was there? She really enjoyed her job and would quite rather not be fired, especially after having just weathered the weekend’s storms. 

“I’m not sure I want to know but I guess we’re going to.” She couldn’t think of anything much that had changed, sure she and Seth now officially had the same address, but that wasn’t news, they’d been talking about it for a week and did people really think that wasn’t going to have happened. “Think this is about you moving in?” She had to ask not that it had entered her mind, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to settle if she didn’t at least voice it.

“I don’t think so, I mean, other than the President being both our bosses we’re not in the same supervisory chain.” Seth made a good point there. It was only frowned upon or made an issue out of if there was a direct chain. Where there wasn’t one there was no problem. Nothing was encouraged, still, but it wasn’t a hard rule.

Though, she wondered if that counted when it came to the senior staff. The President’s closest advisors. She, Seth and Lyor were already playing a dangerous game when it came to relationships, she really didn’t want for this to be adding anything else to it. “But we are both senior staff.”

“That shouldn’t matter. I answer to Emily, not you.” Seth kissed her cheek softly, in one of the ways he knew was guaranteed to calm her and make her focus on the bigger picture. There was nothing that they couldn’t do if they put their minds to it, including figuring a way out of any potential mess. “While that brings its own problems it does give us cover.” Seth then stepped back a little as Emily breezed past them and opened the door.

“Hey, come in, you’re not worrying are you?” She called back to them, and Kendra wondered how many coffees Emily was running on because it was possibly exactly how many she was going to need before she perked up too. Caffeine was definitely the stimulant of choice around here. 

“Well, calling just the two of us does look somewhat suspicious and cause concern.” Seth deadpanned, while Kendra just looked at him and smiled softly. He would be the one to tell Emily that she had made a big, big mistake in not giving them some idea of why they had been called here. Kendra didn’t like this feeling, especially not from a hastily written note that had been left on her desk. 

“Oh no, it’s no reason to be concerned.” Emily waved a hand, and Kendra had to avoid looking at Seth or she would have probably said something that she would later regret. “The President is finally telling me that we can finish hiring the staff. You both need to look for deputies for your departments.” Oh, now that was a much nicer thought.

“Alright, I can find a good lawyer for that.” She had no idea who, but she would be able to find someone. There were some great lawyers in DC, and a lot of them would be happy to come and work in the White House. She also had a feeling that there would be plenty of input on who she should be considering. 

“Seth, we’re going to look for another communications director too. You’re too valuable as press secretary to keep doing double duty.” Emily said it so matter-of-factly that it sounded like no big deal, but even Kendra knew what that meant. Kendra at least was secure in her job, but Seth looked like someone had come along and kicked him.

Seth’s face said it all, and Kendra reached over to take his hand and give it a squeeze. She didn’t know how she would have taken a blow like that, but Seth seemed to be taking it better than she would have. “So I get a demotion?” He eventually asked though Kendra could hear the gentle catch in his throat.

“No, Press and communications are going to be kept separate. You’ll be in charge of all public facing, communications is purely going to be speeches and remarks.” Emily still didn’t seem to realise that she hadn’t made herself any friends in the way she had dumped this news on them. “We need to get a deputy there too.”

“We’ll get on it.” Kendra tugged Seth’s hand, wanting to get him away for a moment so that he could process what had been said and what he had to get through. She was too tired to be of much help, but she knew getting him out of the way was probably a good idea. “Come on babe.” She just tugged again, pulling him through to his office that was closer and letting him rant for a few minutes until it was out of his system.

It didn’t take as long as she’d expected and as soon as she got back to her office she started bringing up the vetting files of people the Senior staff had previously looked at for her job. Even just scanning the names she could see why they’d stuck with outside counsel until she’d come along. Once she had counted all of them out she started a list of people that she thought she could work with, apparently not realising that she missed lunch. It was only when Lyor came and collapsed on her couch that she realised she’d been meant to meet them at all. “Sorry, I lost track of time.”

“What’s going on with you today?” What was going on was that she knew too many lawyers and disliked all of them. She couldn’t even think of that many that she liked who didn’t already work either in the White House or somewhere else within the administration. It didn’t help that she didn’t really get along with others all that well unless she wanted to. “You didn’t come with Seth and I for lunch?” That sounded a little hurt more than anything.

“Seth didn’t tell you? I’m looking for a deputy.” She did feel bad she’d missed lunch, but she’d cook dinner and they’d forget all about. “I don’t know who I’d be able to work with.” That was a different point and one that Lyor would be terrible at helping her solve. Kendra didn’t know if he worked well with anybody, most of the time he didn’t even work that will with her and Seth.

“What about Bruce Lowder?” Now for a moment, Kendra wasn’t sure if Lyor was joking or if he had somehow learnt that part of her past. The only person who knew about it was Seth and given that he was under the threat of no sex for a year if he told anybody she doubted that he would have mentioned it. That was something that she hoped she’d never have to admit to Lyor.

She decided that playing it off like it was absolutely nothing was going to be the best way to play this. It wasn’t going to stop Lyor’s explosion at the idea, though. “Nah, I dated him once.” She said it dismissively, even lifting the next page in her file as if it was the least interesting thing ever. It was so well choreographed in her mind, but she couldn’t help but look up when Lyor’s silence just stretched a couple of beats longer than she’d expected.

“He’s a conservative Republican!” There it was. That’s what she’d been expecting. Bruce Lowder wasn’t a  _ bad _ man, he just had fairly fundamentally different views from… well almost everyone. That did make him a bit of a target for mockery among some. “I was suggesting him as a joke.”

“I’m not joking, I dated him once. We were in the same class at Georgetown.” She had been 22 at the time, there was a part of her that hoped it saved her. Also that mostly their relationship was arguing at dinner to the point they didn’t want to even look at each other. “It lasted exactly two months and never went further than arguing over dinner.”

“Well, I’m glad about that. I don’t think I’d have been able to look at you the same if you’d actually been physical with Bruce Lowder.” Lyor’s strange way of phrasing it did amuse Kendra, though she was glad that he would at least be able to look at her. She went back to work and sort of assumed that he was going to go back to his office as well, but no, he was still sat there until she looked up again. “Do you know why the President wants to see me tonight?”

“No idea, probably something similar to Seth and I looking for deputies. There are still a lot of positions to be filled.” Kendra knew that, technically, this White House was still very understaffed. She didn’t really mind that, finding it less chaotic than if it were fully staffed, but at this point in time she could see that becoming a problem. “I’m sure that it’s nothing serious babe. You’ll be fine…” Kendra was distracted from the conversation by the number popping up on her phone, only having seen that number once before. “Hang on, I gotta deal with this.” She picked up the phone then just listened. The second that was done she opened her email then yelled out the door. “Jamie, call Seth’s office and you tell him to come here immediately.”

“What’s wrong?” Lyor clearly knew immediately that something major was about to go down, and Kendra had to admit she wasn’t sure if he’d seen her having to start dealing with something like this. It was probably not really what he’d be wanting to deal with either, but this was likely to cross his desk in the next day or two.

“Leo.” She said simply, not wanting to go into any more detail until she’d seen what she’d been sent and until she had a chance to actually talk to Leo about what had gone on. What she did know was that this would be a press nightmare, and she needed to coordinate with Seth for what they would do here. It was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

***Seth***

It had still taken him ten minutes to get to Kendra’s office after he had been summoned, mostly because if she was calling him she probably didn’t want to have three reporters following him through. They were already going to be curious though, not that he would really blame them. Being summoned to the counsel’s office was rarely fun. He walked in and his first thought was that she looked frazzled. “Jamie and Carol said I needed to get here.”

“Come in, shut the door.” She said that in her commanding voice, and Seth rarely heard that in work. It was one of those voices he tended to only hear in video of her in court, or on the odd occasion they had time together around other people. So Seth was a little surprised to hear it here. He decided that it was probably going to be safer to just do as she said rather than waiting. “Leo got into a fight at school.”

“How did you know that?” Seth didn’t even know that and he was normally the first person to know when something that major happened. He’d known about the issue at the protest before anyone else. The press tended to like to let him know when they had something before him, and the only person who had known the protest before him was the Secret Service.

“Secret Service protocol after what happened at the protest.” Well, there was his answer and his thought process had been going down the right path. There was a part of him that was confused about that because he didn’t understand why it went to her rather than still going to Emily. “I now get a call to anything that could damage Leo’s reputation, just in case. With this one, I knew that you needed to be brought in.”

“What happened?” That was something that would affect how they approached this with the media. It was going to be something that he was asked about, and it was also something that he needed to play out in his mind, but he was certain that Kendra would already have some idea. Public relations came into her job more often than he’d want to admit.

“Nobody seems to know, and the only video I have of it shows that he was walking away.” She motioned him around the table, and he took the opportunity to maybe stand a little closer than was entirely professional as Kendra played the video through again. Leo was indeed walking away, taking his friends with him. The other boy was definitely the instigator. “The boy can fight.”

“There are what, a dozen kids with phones?” Seth was trying to count how many he could see on the video, something that he assumed was from one of the secret service cameras. This was going to be on the 24-hour news before he even got out of this office. How were they supposed to deal with this?

“Yeah, this is going to hit the news and I wanted you to have the heads up.” Kendra turned and kissed his cheek, also taking advantage of how close he was, and then stood up, prompting him to stand too. “Want to wait with me when I speak to Leo?” That would fill in gaps for him but was the President going to be alright with that, it would negate privilege. 

“The President is okay with that?” Seth just needed to be clear about that, because he didn’t want to do anything that would get them all in trouble. After Friday and Saturday he had had a close enough call with losing his job, he really didn’t need to think about it again so soon.

“I already spoke to him, on the phone. He wants me to talk to Leo before he goes up to the residence, so he’ll be coming right here.” Kendra hadn’t seemed to grasp the question that Seth was actually asking, and that made him even more worried. She turned back to him as she stepped around the desk and just shook her head softly. “There are no legal problems here babe, this is all PR which is your speciality.”

He liked that she’d called it his speciality. They had been together months how did he still get giddy when she praised him like that. Even in the seriousness of this situation he took it to heart and smiled. “Alright. I’ll wait here.” Seth admitted, that having a few extra minutes of this away from the reporters was good. They sat together on the sofa, a notepad on her lap as they tried to work out how best to respond to this.

Leo finally arrived almost thirty minutes later, and he didn’t exactly look thrilled that he’d been brought to counsel’s office before being taken home. Probably when he was younger Seth would have worried if he needed to see his lawyer before his father. “Why am I here, shouldn’t I be being yelled at by my dad?” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s coming next. No, Leo.” Kendra answered first, motioning to the chair beside them. They had thought that that might help him feel like he had more control of the situation. He was able to decide how this was presented, and he wouldn’t feel trapped sat beside one of them. “Your dad wants me to go over any potential legal issues, and Seth is here for damage control.”

“It’s in the press?” That immediately made Leo quiet and look a little more panicked, it also made him look more like a teenager. Seth actually felt bad for him, it wasn’t his fault that he was stuck like this, and he hadn’t been the one to start it. He knew that Leo’s school was zero tolerance, so he was going to be punished for being involved, but he had defended himself. 

“Not yet as far as we know, but it’s going to be there soon,” Seth said quietly, Leo had been in the White House for almost a year, he’d had to deal with the press all that time and he knew that this was going to be something that they jumped on, especially given that he’d already had something similar happen. “You know the press, Leo. They won’t wait for facts.”

“He was calling mom, so I replied and called his.” It was basic but it was a start, and Seth just glanced quickly at Kendra, seeing her studiously looking at the paper, not looking up and scribbling notes. Thankfully about potential press avenues rather than anything else. “Then he started after me.”

“Alright, from the top, Leo. Every detail.” Seth took control, knowing that Kendra was letting him because this was more about what he’d need than what she’d need to do. Hopefully, she wouldn’t need to do anything. “Kendra and I both need it all to work out what to do.”

Leo hesitated, but he eventually started at the very beginning. This had been building up via the internet all weekend, so of course, it wasn’t that much of a surprise when he snapped. He sounded mostly scared, and Seth didn’t know how to protect him from that. Once they’d gone through the story for the third time he just nodded, and Leo thanked them before heading up to the residence. “What do you think?” Kendra asked, but there was a catch in her voice that Seth didn’t think he’d heard before.

“Legally he’s still fine, right?” He wanted to double check, noticing Kendra’s nod he then thought about how to continue his thoughts. “But in the press… I’m not sure. I can definitely spin it to a grieving boy defending his dead mother’s honour though.” That was probably going to be the avenue that he took, he didn’t like the idea that he needed to, but he was going to have to.

“We need to keep him protected, Seth.” She whispered a second later and Seth realised now why she’d been so quiet. It wasn’t what he’d thought it was either. At first, he’d been thinking that it was something to do with Alex Kirkman, but no, he knew now that it was much, much more personal than that.

“You identify with him, don’t you?” He asked, wanting to make sure that it was what he was thinking it was now. It was just going to be harder for her to be completely detached if it was what he thought, and he knew that she wouldn’t want for it to mess with her credibility. 

“If someone had said that about my dad I probably would have reacted the same way.” She nodded then wiped her eyes a little. Six months didn’t change the grief so Seth just moved closer and wrapped his arms around her for a second. The press could wait, this situation could wait, he needed to support his family. “I can’t blame him.”

“We’ll protect him babe, you and me.” He assured her, then just sat with her in silence until they were ready to do what they wanted and needed. Seth was sure that this was not how either of them had planned to spend this evening, but he was glad that they had had the opportunity to do this now, rather than later when she would have thought on it. He decided that having her with him for the briefing was going to be a good idea too, so they had other things to focus on, just like always.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom was livid, he had been spitting mad when Kendra had called him, but first pacing around the oval and then pacing around the living room had helped settle his thoughts. Penny was going to an after-school music class tonight, so he didn’t need to worry about her walking in on this. Leo did look suitably guilty when he came into the room, but that didn’t really stop Tom’s anger, though it did diminish it some. “How could you do this?”

“He was talking about mom, dad! What was I supposed to do?” There was a part of Tom that felt a little worse for being so angry when he heard that, if someone said something about Alex he probably would have thrown a punch or two as well, but that wasn’t what you were supposed to say as a parent. 

“You were supposed to do what we’ve always taught you,” Tom said, but he dropped to the sofa and let Leo sit down beside him. His anger quickly disappearing into annoyance but he knew that that wasn’t going to make this discussion any easier. “Walk away, let it roll off your back, in this position we have to be above reproach.”

“Dad I didn’t even start it! I just yelled back at him, he threw the first punch.” Leo jumped up and started pacing, and Tom decided to just let him work the energy off. “I was walking away. I didn’t want to start anything, I didn’t even want to be there in the first place.” It was clear Leo was agitated, but Tom didn’t know what he could do about that.

“You’re lucky that the video evidence agrees with that, and that Kendra is as fast as she is at her job.” It felt like a long time since he’d said something like that, but it was true. “Without her, you would have been expelled and goodbye college.” Alright, that was an outright lie, but he wanted to scare his son into taking things like this more seriously.

“Dad!” Leo was clearly actually scared, and it made Tom think that Kendra definitely hadn’t let him in on exactly what had happened before he was in her office when he got back. Tom was thankful for that as it had helped with this. “It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t. It wasn’t my fault.” Leo collapsed onto one of the chairs and huffed dramatically. 

“You’re grounded, two weeks, and you’re suspended from school this week.” Tom hadn’t really liked that either, but he understood that the school had a reputation and that required Leo be punished too. He may not have started it but he did still participate. “That means you’re going to be doing whatever my staff want you to do.”

“What!? Dad?” Maybe he didn’t like that idea, but Tom didn’t care. He wasn’t letting him waste this week, at least if he did some help he’d have some more volunteer hours, and on top of that he would be able to use it as a talking point at interviews in the future. “I don’t wanna do work for your staff.”

“No, you’re going to be helping in the West Wing. You’ll be able to put it on your transcripts and it will put this suspension to good use.” Tom was also certain that Leo would be able to help and release some of the pressure of what was going on in the West Wing recently. “Go to your room, and don’t even start playing music loudly.”

“Fine,” Leo grumbled, but he did get up and leave. It gave Tom long enough to actually pull himself together again before his last official meeting. After Penny got home he spent a few minutes with her then headed back down to the Oval, knowing that he still had at least one thing that he needed to do before he could call the day quits. 

He was grateful that there was all that time, he calmed down and was ready to appear happy, given that this was a happy occasion Tom thought that it would just be rude if he didn’t react that way. In the almost five months since he’d started working there, Lyor had been a good hire, and this was a step up. “You ready for Lyor?”

“Sure, there isn’t much else that could go wrong today. This is at least happy.” Alright, maybe he wasn’t as cheerful as he’d been trying to convince himself that he was. He suddenly wanted to just scream for a second and get it out of his system. He’d never planned on doing any of this alone. He then looked up to the door as Emily opened it again and waved. “Come on in, Lyor.” Tom had made sure nobody but Emily knew they were offering Lyor the job, so he was sure there had been some not-inconsiderable worry. “I’m sure you’re wondering why you’ve been called here.”

“It has crossed my mind, sir,” Lyor answered honestly, staying stood in the same spot he always seemed to stop in when he was here. Whether alone or with others it didn’t matter, he always managed to stop in the same spot. As though subconsciously that was his spot.

“You may have heard that we’re doing some reshuffling of West Wing roles, and we wanted to speak to yours in person.” Both Kendra and Seth had been told about it, and given how close Lyor was with both of them Tom couldn’t imagine that it hadn’t come up with at least one of them. “You’re not being fired, Lyor, relax.” His shoulders were so stiff that it must have been starting to hurt.

“Then, sir, why am I here?” He sounded both relieved but slightly suspicious at the same time. Alright, maybe this hadn’t actually been the best way for them to tell him about this, but Tom was looking forward to to the response when he knew what they were talking about. 

“Lyor… I want you to be my deputy. Deputy Chief of Staff.” Emily stepped forward and spoke, giving Tom a second to just watch Lyor as that idea sunk in. It would give him much more responsibility and Tom was sure that he was ready for it. Emily definitely was. Despite what often seemed to happen in this building, they did rely on Lyor more than he thought some would like to admit.

There was a longer pause than Tom had expected before Lyor looked up again, clearly needing to check that nobody was playing some kind of horrible, elaborate prank on him. “Wait, really?” He asked a second later and Tom just smiled and nodded, taking a further step forward to shake his hand.

“We, want you to take the position of Deputy Chief of Staff. It’s quite a promotion, but we’re sure that you’ll be able to fit with the rest well.” He knew that this was exactly what they had wanted for this, and he was sure that when there were newer members of staff Lyor would seem more senior, but right now this was the happiest Tom had been in almost a month. The acceptance was swift, and Tom was thrilled to have made someone so happy and to have solved some of the staffing problems all at once.


	24. Day Twenty Two

**_January 16th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

It was easy to practice what she was going to say to Emily in her own apartment, but Kendra knew that practicing it was going to be the only way that she didn't freeze herself up. This wouldn't even have been an issue if Emily hadn't made it quite so obvious that she had a preference. That preference hadn't even made Kendra's top three. Truthfully she wasn't even sure he would have made a top ten. She was repeating the three names to herself like a mantra while she waited for Lyor to actually get out of the bathroom. “Dominic Thomas, Jesse Wallis and Lucy Tiller.”

“Your choices for deputy?” Seth asked, stepping up behind her and looking at the door over her shoulder, clearly mentally asking if they still had time to shower before work. Right now Kendra had something else on her mind, but if asked she was willing to go with needing a shower. Somehow, of the three of them, Lyor was always the one who spent the longest in the bathroom.

“Yeah, I’ve worked with Jesse before, but Dominic and Lucy both come highly recommended.” She wasn’t sure how it would be taken that she was recommending Jesse, but she felt like he would fit with what she wanted. She didn’t really know much about the other two, but she liked their resumes, and their recommendations from other lawyers that she knew well. She could train someone new up to how she liked things done, she was sure. 

“You ready to present them then?” Seth asked, wrapping his arms around her waist, though given her curren problem that wasn’t as romantic as he probably had hoped it would be, and clearly after spotting the look on her face he decided that hands on her hips was going to be far less dangerous.

“I’m not sure. I get the feeling Emily isn’t really going to like my list.” That was a little bit of an understatement really. Emily had been pushing for someone to join the team, someone that she liked and had worked with. But given that Kendra knew there were already personal problems involved, and that she didn’t particularly like Emily’s choice all that much either… He had been easy to pass up, but was no doubt going to cause trouble down the line. Seth made a curious noise while he kissed the back of her neck and she decided to keep talking as though that wasn’t what he was doing. “Harris Donovan isn’t on it. She was pushing for him pretty hard.” 

“I don’t like him.” She hadn’t known Seth’s thoughts on him, but she’d known Lyor’s and from her one or two dealings with him she hadn’t been that much of a fan. He won cases, but he played dirty and Kendra had never liked that type of a lawyer. He’d also never beaten her in court either.

“I don’t like him, hence why he’s not on my list.” She felt another ping of her bladder and knew that this was going to end very badly for her, she didn’t need to start the day by peeing herself, she was just glad this corridor had linoleum. “Lyor you have been in there for twenty minutes. Seth and I need to shower too!”

“Just another minute.” Lyor called back and Kendra had to mentally hold back from pushing the door open. Why was she waiting for the bathroom in her own house? She’d never really much cared to wait for the bathroom, it was why sharing a place had been so much bigger a step than she thought anyone had really known. She wasn’t unhappy about it now, but she was unhappy when Lyor slept over then went in the bathroom first, because it always ended like this.

“He can shower at his own place next time I swear to every god… and if we ever all move in somewhere we need two bathrooms.” That was still a long way off with Lyor. He liked to have his own space, and while he stayed over three nights a week it still hadn’t been thought of any further than that. Kendra didn’t think it would, either, until something made them want to change. Right now this was working well, for the most part. The longer she stood in silence the more she focused on how much she had to pee so she looked over her shoulder at Seth again. “Have you got your list ready?”

“I do. We’re meeting with Emily before Senior Staff, right?” Of course he’d be cool as a cucumber about it all. He didn’t get rattled by anything and that was probably the most frustrating part of this right now. He had three lists to compile and probably had known instinctively who he wanted for each.

“Yeah, she wants to have our choices vetted and their files before the President this evening.” Kendra had wondered what the rush was but she wasn’t going to question. It would be nicer to have someone that the junior staffers could go to with questions and queries. Someone that wasn’t her. At Seth’s continued silence she just got more curious about who he wanted. “Who’d you pick?”

“For deputy? Geordana Hayes from Treasury.” Kendra had seen her giving briefings, and had met her once. She seemed like a lovely woman and Kendra could see how she’d fit in with those already working in the West Wing. It would be interesting having all these new people around, but all Kendra could think was that it might mean she’d maybe be able to start taking Saturday off too.

“Just her?” Kendra had picked three, she was fairly sure Emily had wanted them to pick three, but Seth did like to push the boundaries and if he was certain that she was who he wanted then he was never going to have suggested anyone else. 

“Just her. She was already on my list beforehand.” Seth smiled a little and kissed her neck again and then he reached around her and banged on the door. “Lyor, I think Ken’s going to piss herself if you don’t get out here.” Alright, so he’d seen through her charade about the shower, but she didn’t even care when it led to the door opening swiftly.

“Thank you.” She kissed Seth’s cheek in thanks then ran in the bathroom shutting the door after her. They couldn’t keep doing this whenever Lyor got in the shower first. Maybe they needed to make up some kind of schedule. “We need to talk about your shower habits Lyor!” She yelled out, and hearing Seth’s snickering on the other side of the door told her that this was going to be something he found amusing. 

At least she eventually did manage to get ready for work, and they managed to not even be late. Kendra was always going to be thankful for days when they were early so she didn’t have to rush into her office. Nobody really kept track of the senior staff, they all worked far over their expected hours regardless of when they arrived. After getting things together she decided it would just be easier to go and deal with Emily straight away, soe she headed out, looking around when the door was open and smiling as she knocked. “Here you go, my three choices.”

“Harris?” Emily asked as she waved her in. Of course that was going to be her first question, but Kendra wasn’t going to allow herself to be bullied into taking someone that she wasn’t sure she wanted, nor someone she thought would cause issues within the senior staff who were already established. That was not how she was going to phrase it though. She knew better than that.

“No, I just don’t think he’d fit with me, or fit in with the others in the White House.” That was going to be how it was, and there would be more opportunities if Emily wanted him. He’d be low ranked, a junior staffer, but he’d have a position. “You can always recommend him for associate counsel in the next round of hires.” Which she would be making as soon as the new work year started in April. She needed a full office really.

“That might be a little low for him.” Emily scowled, but Kendra was sure she would so as Kendra suggested. Emily may have been chief of staff but she had to listen to what the people who worked in each department wanted. She had her choice for deputy, it was only fair that she give everyone else that. Not that Emily always played by ‘fair’. “Seth, you have your picks?”

“Only one for Deputy Press Secretary, Geordana Hayes. Three each for Communications.” Kendra hadn’t got their names, and she had a feeling that she wouldn’t have known them really anyway. Lawyer and speechwriters only really came together on political staffs, and she’d never been on a single staff before. She was the all-rounder people called when they had some sort of trouble. As she said that, Seth appeared around the door with his list in his hand. 

“Thank you both.” Emily looked over them and then nodded. There was no smile, no hint that she had any opinions on the names. For a reason that Kendra wasn’t entirely sure about that bugged her. She couldn’t explain why but she was annoyed, and then even more annoyed at what seemed like a dismissal. “I’ll see you for senior staff.”

“Remind me to avoid Emily today.” Seth grumbled as they both walked away, and Kendra had to smile a little to herself. If she was mildly irked, Seth would be much, much more annoyed. Not that she entirely blamed him for that either. She knew he wasn’t that happy about the change in position. “I’m still not sure this isn’t a demotion.”

“It’s not a demotion, babe. It’s a redistributing and you’re still Press Secretary. That’s not nothing.” Kendra actually thought that, in a selfish way, she’d prefer him only being at press secretary. She was looking forward to them both actually occasionally finishing at the same time and getting to go home together, being joined by Lyor when he eventually finished. 

“Yeah. I’ll see you later.” Seth kissed her softly as they reached the part of the corridor where it split off, her off on the left, his on the right. She loved that they had this part to separate, and she was fairly sure this split was where most people had realised they were more than just colleagues. It had a special spot in her heart.

“Yeah you will, go write the speech.” She had been pushing him to work harder on the speech every morning as soon as they got in. Kendra also knew that despite originally starting thinking about it months ago everything went out of the window at Christmas, so he was doubly stressed. Secretly she agreed with Emily, he needed to focus on one job, and press was better for her.

* * *

***Seth***

Kendra’s support telling him that it wasn’t a demotion helped some, but that bitter part of him was still feeling like it was, like this was some sort of payback for things that happened months earlier. Seth knew that this was needed eventually, and he’d even been fairly sure that he’d have been kept at Press when it did, but the fact he’d been right didn’t make him feel better. He also knew he needed to walk it off otherwise the speech he was writing now would reflect it. Everything was coming together now, they were on the third draft and were almost ready to send it for testing. As he walked through the communications office he had to smile a little seeing Leo Kirkman sitting on the floor surrounded by boxes. “Enjoying your first day, Leo?”

“Yeah, it’s been a real thrill.” The dripping sarcasm was something that Seth appreciated, and given the task Seth had set him today he couldn’t exactly pretend that he wouldn’t have said something similar. “I’m going through boxes, Seth.” Not a thrilling job, but it was an important one. 

“We need those files cataloguing, it’s an important job.” Seth didn’t think that it was going to be that bad, plus there were supposed to be a couple of girls barely older than Leo here helping. Seth had assigned the three of them so that they could see what they had in common, and maybe make those  _ particular _ interns rethink their choice of vocation.

“It’s a boring job.” Leo complained a second later and Seth knew that, too. His first job here had been something remarkably similar, That had been when he was still new to town, and long before he’d expected to be doing this. Truthfully, he’d never really expected to be doing this. 

But he was thankful he was high enough up that he didn’t have to go through all the old files from the last administration. “That’s why the lowest rung on the totem pole is given it. There are a couple of interns in my office supposed to be helping you. I’ll go find them.” Seth clapped him on the shoulder, and then carried on through, looking around for the two girls in particular. “Hey, you two are supposed to be helping Leo with the cataloguing, if you want your reference you do as you’re told.”

“Sorry, sir. We just thought…” The taller of the two started, and that was enough to spark off Seth’s annoyance. Alright, it was still largely at his perceived demotion, but it was annoying and he wasn’t really able to think about anything else. All he could focus on right now was the fact that he had to deal with all of this and never get the credit.

“You don’t think, that’s not what you’re here for, you do as I’m telling you and you do it without complaint. Got it?” There was a snap to his voice he hadn’t intended but it seemed to help them both realise that he was deadly serious about this and he wasn’t going to be changing his mind about it.

“Yes, sir.” They said in unison, both dropping their heads as they walked out and back to the job they’d been given. Seth didn’t feel especially sorry about it, though maybe he shouldn’t have taken his frustrations out on a couple of interns. Even if they were interns who were terrible at their jobs.

Aaron stepped forward from the doorway he’d been lurking in and followed Seth into his office, there was no question of whether he was welcome, but he did at least shut the door after him. Seth wasn’t going to ask why he was there, a part of him honestly just hoped maybe Kendra had sent him so that Seth would have someone to rant at. “Who pissed in your cornflakes?” 

“Emily, the President, the press. Take your pick.” Seth sunk into his chair and just looked up at Aaron, who stood managing to look both in control and uncomfortable at the same time. They hadn’t actually spoken in the last couple of days, but Seth was sure that Aaron would have heard the West Wing gossip by now.

“Is this about the communications director position?” Aaron asked, and Seth wondered how much he should actually say, or if he should say anything at all. Right now though he didn’t care because Aaron was in the administration and it wasn’t exactly a secret that he’d had his own troubles at the beginning.

“Yeah. I feel like I’ve been screwed, Aaron.” Alright, maybe a little too honest, but it was how he was feeling. He felt like he had been good enough while there was nobody else, but as soon as they could they were going to get someone to replace him. There was part of him that knew that was just his low self-esteem talking, but that didn’t actually make him feel much better.

“You’re a good speechwriter, Seth, but you’re a great Press Secretary. I think they’re putting you where you’re best.” That was a nice way of putting it, and Seth was thankful that Aaron at least had the presence of mind to explain it. He didn’t know exactly why this was bothering him so much, he’d just always thought he’d be a speech-writer. He didn’t want to be the Press Secretary.

“I didn’t come here to talk to the press.” He grumbled a little, he didn’t want to be ungrateful, and he actually did love what he did as press secretary. It just wasn’t what he’d expected and there was a part of him that didn’t want to throw it away. He still wanted to be what he’d come here to be, but destiny had taken him in another direction. That’s what Kendra would tell him, anyway.

“I didn’t come here to be NSA but we all do what the President asks of us.” Aaron made an even better point. They didn’t always get to do what they wanted to do, sometimes they had to do what the President wanted to do and that wasn’t always going to be what they wanted to do. “Is Lyor’s promotion bugging you too?” 

“No, he deserved it, he was doing the job without the title already.” Lyor’s promotion was probably the thing that affected him the least. He had hoped that someone would eventually see that he was set perfectly for that position, and so he was just happy about the fact that it had finally happened. 

“So, you’re just mad at the fact that it’s not what you were expecting.” Aaron knew exactly what it was that was bothering him and while that made Seth feel good, he didn’t really like the fact that it was obvious there was something. “I think it’s a good choice, Seth. I think in time you’ll see that too.”

“Maybe.” Seth sighed and looked at the time. However much he wanted to sulk in the office he had a press briefing to give and then he was going to have to go and actually write the next few pages of the speech. “Okay I gotta go deal with another fifty thousand questions about Leo’s suspension.” 

“Slow news day?” Aaron knew well enough that the press would focus on something trivial because there was nothing else. The last time the conversation had been about how many gay people were working in the West Wing, and generally about relationships, though that may have been because it was the week Seth had started being more open with his behaviour toward Kendra. That had been at the start of December.

“Biblically. It hasn’t been this slow since Christmas.” Okay, that was a bad thing to have said as in the end Christmas had been one of his busiest days of the year, though right now Seth would take a day like that over a slow news day. He got up and started out, though Aaron carried on walking with him. “So they are focusing on what Leo is doing in the West Wing. I’m not giving any answer other than ‘assisting the senior staff’.”

Without actually knowing what Leo was doing, that sounded like it could be interesting. Seth would try and get him something better to do later that afternoon, but he doubted there would be anything, and he’d be moving on to Lyor in the morning. “What is he doing for you?” 

“Cataloguing the memos leftover from the last administration.” Seth had written a good number of them, he recalled. The ones that would never matter, never be answered or addressed. He tried not to think about them very much, it was still a little too painful. “The ones that don’t actually matter anymore but need to be kept.”

“Oh, that’s not the most exciting job in the building.” Aaron grimaced, probably recalling his early days of political service doing something very similar. Any career politician seemed to have a similar start, and Seth wasn’t entirely surprised they all remembered it. It was a memorable job, even if it was the most boring thing ever created. “Good luck in there.”

“No it is not.” Seth agreed then stopped at the internal door to the press room, smiling a little as Aaron looked nervously around for any press. For some reason he liked to avoid them. Despite wanting to see how long Aaron would stay there for, he just shook his head and put his hand on the handle. “See you later.” Maybe he could take the last of his frustrations out on the press.

* * *

***Tom***

The day had been remarkably quiet. He’d actually kept his meetings with everyone who had had a meeting today, and for the first time since Christmas hadn’t needed to take a break to deal with something involving Leo or Penny. The last job of the day was here though, and it was the one he was least looking forward too. He knew they needed new people, he just wasn’t all that sure that he wanted them. “These are who Seth and Kendra have picked?”

“Yes, sir.” Emily handed him the stack of files, one in yellow, three in red, six in blue. He could guess the departments on the colour. He had expected three choices for each, but he had somehow known that he would only get one for Press. “Seth is dead set on Geordana Hayes for his deputy.” Emily noticed him picking up that file first.

“Any objections or anything come up in her background check?” He asked, even while skimming through the file himself. He didn’t care about her family circumstances, and he didn’t care that she had a girlfriend, she seemed like a good pick and right now he couldn’t imagine anyone caring about those minor details either.

“No, she’s a star over at treasury, and her background is clean.” The recommendation alone gave that, and if Seth was confident enough about her to have only recommended her then he was certain that she was going to fit in with them all as well. He wouldn’t have picked her if he wasn’t. “I’m not surprised Seth wanted her.”

“She likely to fit in with our team?” He wanted Emily’s take on it. Part of her job was to know everyone and have an opinion on everyone, so he was confident that she would be able to have some comment, even if it was based on hearsay from people that she barely knew. 

“I think so. She already knows Kendra, I think she knows Lyor too.” Maybe that was part of how Seth knew her too, Tom wasn’t sure. There was no doubt that people crossed paths more here than almost anywhere else in the entire world. That was how it seemed to him, at the very least, and it had since long before he’d become part of the sideshow.

“Washington’s a smaller place than you think, sometimes.” He wondered if that meant there would always be some crossing once he was out of the job. He shook it off, deciding instead to focus on the job, on what it was that he needed to be thinking about rather than letting his mind wander. “What about Kendra’s picks?”

Emily pulled her copies of the files out, though Tom had a feeling that was more for show. “Background on Dominic Thomas was slow, we haven’t got it all but on that alone I’d say no to him. Jesse Wallis could have been a good choice, but Kendra hired him as a first year associate when she still had a practice so…” Trailing off was enough to show that Emily was unsure about that.

“You’re not a fan of the optics?” It would seem like nepotism, he had to admit. Though one look at the recommendations showed that he had every right to be on this list without knowing the White House Counsel. He had a feeling that Kendra would have wanted him more than the others, but the optics did need to be considered. 

“No, Lucy Tiller is the last choice.” Emily nodded to the last file, and then continued speaking as Tom started looking through it. She was younger than the two men on the list, but already had an impressive resume behind her and a good number of both personal and professional recommendations. “Young but eager, I think she’d be good working with Kendra.”

“Great, so that’s Press and Counsel. Now comes the harder choices.” Tom knew that they were basically hiring a new department. Though he hoped that Seth had had the presence of mind to recommend at least one from the current pool for the Communications position. 

“Honestly sir, I think we need to hire a director, and let them choose their own deputy.” Emily said after a few moments, and Tom wondered why she changed her mind on that. She had been the one to suggest Seth pick them, and now maybe she was having second thoughts? Tom didn’t know but it did seem like a good idea. “We don’t want to pick two people who fundamentally can’t work together.”

“No, of course not.” That made even more sense, they had given Seth and Kendra and even Emily herself the chance to choose their own deputies, it was only fair whoever was in at communications had the same opportunity. “Maybe we should start arranging some interviews then. I’ll want to see all three choices.”

“Yes sir, we can do them the rest of the week.” Wow, she really did want to get moving on this. But she had been right all along when she’d pointed out that they were understaffed and than the senior staff was beginning to run on empty. Tom didn’t want to burn them out, as he intended to keep his staff for a long time now. They spoke a little more about the plans for the next few days, and then Tom was grateful to get home, back to the residence where he could take a break.

Leo came back a little after six, ate quietly with them and then went to his room, sticking to the terms of his grounding well. Tom wondered how he’d done when there wasn’t someone directly watching him. While in the West Wing his detail took a wide berth, as it was probably one of the safest places for him to be. He thought about asking Emily, but then remembered that she wouldn’t have had anything to do with him today or she would have already mentioned it. He figured that it was Seth who would have taken the first day, and so Tom looked up and dialled his number then just waited. “Seth, I heard Leo was working with you today?”

“ _ Yes, sir. Babe if you want take out you need to go that way. Nope, okay... _ ”

“How did he do? Leo?” Tom pressed ahead, ignoring the commentary that was clearly meant for Kendra, not him. He could live with having this conversation while they were travelling, especially given he knew Seth rarely drove and Kendra would be having Leo working for her at some point in the next few days too.

“ _ He was very helpful, sir. I had him cataloguing. Not exciting but he did well at it. He’s going to be working with Lyor tomorrow and I’m sure that will be more exciting. _ ”

“ _ You’re not eating meat if you expect sex tonight. _ ”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” He shook his head a little, it was not the mental image he would ever need. Something that knowledge alone was more than he cared to have. How Kendra hadn’t picked up that this was a bad time to talk about this he wasn’t sure, so he decided to make some sort of comment on that. “I take it she’s not paying attention to who you’re talking to.”

“ _ Nope, she’s hungry and I think mad at me for something so she’s ignoring me for the most part. She’s surprisingly good at it. _ ”

“Well, have a good night, Seth.” He couldn’t help but chuckle. Knowing that two of his staff had found happiness with each other did make him feel good, even if he was still jealous and slightly bitter. At least he didn’t feel angry when he thought about it anymore. “Thank you for everything you did with Leo today.”

“ _ Have a good evening, sir. You know I was talking to the President then… _ ” 

Tom cut off the phone before he heard even more that he really didn’t need to know. Given how proficient Kendra was at everything else he’d ever seen her try he was somehow unsurprised that she was also skilled at ignoring somebody when she wanted to. Leo had done something productive, and Tom was thankful that his staff had rallied around to help. There was still something bothering him, and he doubted Alex would be all that thrilled with Tom’s punishment, but it was a start of him learning how to do it alone. Only he wasn’t really alone, and that knowledge helped him more than he wanted to admit.


	25. Day Twenty Three

**_January 17th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

It had been a much better day than she’d been expecting so far, of course, it was only a little after nine in the morning, so an awful lot could change. She actually even had quite a light week too, not that she was letting herself think that. There would be some sort of national emergency and she would actually have to work. She was thinking about taking one of her free days to go see her mom for her birthday on Friday when she heard her door open and knew it was Seth before he even spoke. “I need you.” 

“Well, I know that you told me plenty of times last night.” She couldn’t resist it, even though the door wasn’t closed. She’d already accidentally mentioned sex where the President could hear her comments, so she decided to just go for it. There was no reason she shouldn’t really. Besides, it was also true. 

“Kendra.” Seth cautioned though she was fairly certain that was more because of where they were than what they were doing. She didn’t think that he would actually have had a problem if they hadn’t been in work. They didn’t actually get to have nights like the one the night before all that often, but she shook it off realising that, clearly, Seth needed something professional from her.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m serious. I swear I’m serious.” She took another breath then just sighed and hoped that it wasn’t actually going to be something that disrupted her week. Kendra may be claiming that she was bored, but she was actually relishing this break from the firefighting it felt like she’d been doing since she started her job.

The look on Seth’s face made her think that he was, in fact, going to do just that. She mentally crossed her fingers, hoping that at least it wasn’t a national emergency. It would probably have been Emily collecting her for that, though. “Lyor and I need to go spend the day with the pollster testing the big lines for the speech.”

“And you need me because?” She already didn’t like this idea. Other than checking that their plans didn’t put them in any danger legally Kendra had very little to do with their jobs, and she had even less to do with the State of the Union. There were other people who went through that for them, though she double checked them herself because she liked to be sure.

“I don’t trust Emily in my press room and she is too busy to cover press briefings anyway so you’re next in line.” Seth had often said that she would be a good press secretary but she had never had any reason to find out if he was right about that and she wasn’t sure she wanted to start now. All of a sudden their desperate need for staff was brought into stark contrast for her.

“Seth I’m not trained to deal with the press!” She couldn’t imagine how she would go into it today with absolutely no experience. Of course, she’d held press conferences as a lawyer several times over the course of her career but that was always to push some sort of agenda, or to speak of the innocence of her client, or the guilt of another. She’d never done this and despite Seth’s thoughts that she’d be good at it, she wasn’t sure that she actually would be. 

He seemed to be glossing over her worries about that though, and she knew that that was probably because there was nothing else. “Look it’s nothing major and if anything happens I’ll be right back to take over. Carol in my office will make sure you have all you need when you go in there.”  

“You are lucky I love you both.” She huffed a little because she was not at all looking forward to this, and she understood why Lyor hadn’t come for this. He no doubt would have thought that Seth would have a better chance of convincing her on his own. “This is why we need a deputy.” 

“They start the first of the month.” He smiled, coming around the desk to kiss her forehead and smile. The first was still two weeks away, and that wasn’t anywhere near soon enough to spare her for today. It would have been nice, but she was going to suck it up and do it because she both loved the President and loved the two men she was covering for. 

“That’s too late for today though, isn’t it?” She kept grumbling not really caring if she seemed like she was being a pain about it. “I’ll do it, just for you. You better be prepared to thank me with dinner later.” That would be worthwhile because Seth could make amazing food and he was starting to learn how to substitute things in his family recipes to make them vegetarian. 

“I am sorry, Ken. I forgot I needed to be there for testing and then Lyor needs to see how it all works together and so…” She understood that too. Kendra regularly forgot exactly what she had to be doing and wouldn’t remember until she got to the office. That was partly why she’d had to have Lyor handle some of her briefs earlier in the month, it was just rare for her to be on the opposite side of it. 

“You’re both needed, I get it. Go. Are you taking Leo?” She wasn’t sure how the secret service would feel about having him in somewhere quite so public, but at the same time, he was supposed to be seeing what the White House was all about. Kendra had already worked out what he was going to be doing for her the following day, and she hoped that it would be more interesting than what he’d been doing. 

“No, he’s updating Lyor’s database.” More organising. Though Kendra had to admit that while it seemed like working at the White House was going to be super exciting, a lot of it was still paperwork. Just like it was in almost any job that anyone would ever try their hand at. Kendra didn’t really like the idea of leaving the teenager completely unwatched though. 

“Want me to keep an eye on him too?” She thought that offering would be something better than just doing it and nobody really knowing why. Seth and Lyor had important jobs in the run-up to the speech at the end of the month, and she was sure that soon Seth would realise that it was less than two weeks until the speech and the panic would set in. 

“You’re an angel, babe.” So, that panic hadn’t seemed to come just yet. Kendra kissed Seth back and stroked his cheek softly before he pulled away. She did like that part of being public with their relationship, she no longer had to hide things like this. “I love you.” He smiled before pulling away and starting back to the door.

“Yeah, yeah. Get out of here, loser.” It was easier right now to pretend that she was mad at him, and maybe in a silly way she was because she didn’t want to be having to do everything when she had been having a soft week. Now she needed to prepare herself for going out and speaking to the press… This was going to be an experience.

Thankfully, Carol was as good at her job as Kendra would have expected. That made preparing to give her first briefing went smoothly, and the briefing itself had gone better than she’d expected, though there was a terror she’d felt that she had never had when walking into a court room. Seth could keep his Press room, she knew where she was most comfortable. When she was done she stepped into the corridor, and somehow was unsurprised to hear Tiffany Gimble’s voice following her. “You know, to say that’s your first briefing you did pretty good.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or a criticism, Tiffany.” Kendra barely slowed her stride, but she knew that this would just end worse for her if she ignored the reporter. Kendra suddenly realised that this was why she hated the idea of doing this job. The backdoor politics that came with regularly dealing with the Press.

“Oh, a compliment I assure you… but where is Seth? And for that matter where’s Lyor?” There it was, the real reason that Tiffany had followed her out. No doubt assuming that she would be easier to get information out of, or that there was some juicy reason why Kendra was the one answering the questions. 

“Nothing all that interesting. Mall testing.” The one thing that Kendra was an expert at was pretending that the interesting things were boring and that the boring things were deviously tedious. She knew that Tiffany wanted some gossip, but she wasn’t going to give her that.

“And that’s why they aren’t here doing the briefing. Oh.” Tiffany’s disappointment was palpable and that made Kendra smile. She didn’t really care that there wasn’t a story in it, what she did care about was that she could see why both Seth and Lyor had so much distaste for her. She probably thought her investigating was good journalism, but in reality, it was annoying and made her less likely to get the leaks.

“Sorry it’s not more juicy for you, and that I didn’t give you a car wreck to talk about.” Kendra was sure that they had all been secretly hoping that her first briefing went up in flames. As she paused right before stepping back into the restricted part of the White House and turned to look at Tiffany. “Look, I get it, you’re the thorn in Seth and Lyor’s side and I think it’s sweet how you get under their skin… but I’m only doing this job for a day, then you can get back to complaining about my performance as counsel.” Kendra then turned her smile overbright and leant a little closer to the young reporter. “I assure you though, you continue going after Seth for any little thing and I will make your life a living hell, and you’ll never even know it was me.”

“I… love your jacket.” Tiffany recovered bravely, and Kendra had to admit that that was both a good way to diffuse the situation and an interesting track to take. Kendra couldn’t refuse a compliment without looking like a total bitch, and they both knew that. This was the part of politics that Kendra was actually good at. 

So she looked for something that she could return with, settling on Tiffany’s shoes, which were actually a little gorgeous. Not something that Kendra would ever have an occasion to wear, but pretty enough that she still wanted them in spite of that. “Your shoes are fantastic.”

“Have a good day,” Tiffany replied stiffly, and Kendra was glad that it seemed almost immediately that Tiffany was taking her threat to heart. That was a good thing and something that Kendra wasn’t going to take for granted. She returned the pleasantry and then headed back to her office. Alright, today was just as interesting as she’d thought.

* * *

***Seth***

Lyor was like a five-year-old in the mall, and so Seth wasn’t exactly having the time of his life trying to keep him from losing his mind. There wasn’t much to this, and Seth would have thought someone who was so good with the politics would have done this before, but Lyor had always dealt with the politicians, never the public. He was walking around the empty shop front that their pollster had set up with the booths and screens. “So this is all we do?” He asked, and Seth scowled a little. It was the seventh time that had been asked. 

“Yep, this is it. For the seventh time. Come over here.” He grabbed Lyor’s arm, given they were in public trying to make it look as professional as he could and pulled him over to Ann Morales, the one person Seth trusted when it came to polling. “Ann is the master of all things polling. She’s been working with the DNC for years and the President let me bring her on for this.” Seth smiled, deciding that actually introducing them might give Lyor something else to focus on. “Ann this is Lyor, the new Deputy CoS.”

“Nice to meet you Lyor, I’m sure we’ll see a lot of each other if you’re Deputy.” Ann was always polite, and Seth was sure that she’d appreciate Lyor’s directness. That was something that was always going to be appreciated in the right circles, and that tended to include Seth’s friends outside of the White House. The ones he still spoke to, anyway.

“He’ll be with you and Kendra on speech night.” Seth decided to continue, especially as it seemed that Lyor had gone temporarily mute. Though that may have been due to the fact that Ann was quite clearly very heavily pregnant at this point. Maybe Seth should have given Lyor a heads-up about that. “Kendra also said she’ll bring that cake you like, she’ll even make it vegan for you.”

“Tell her she’s a sweetheart. I’m looking forward to seeing her again.” Ann had always seemed to get along well with people that Seth also liked, so he’d been unsurprised to know that Ann had crossed paths with his girlfriend. Kendra may have stuck to the Senate before this, but she still seemed to know everyone. “Okay, I gotta get back to this. I’ll have first-round results in about twenty minutes.” She smiled and turned back to the work that she was doing and left Seth to turn to Lyor.

“So she knows Kendra?” It wasn’t an accusation, which Seth was grateful for, but it did sound like Lyor was getting himself wound up about something. What it was Seth didn’t know yet, but he recognised the signs of an impending panic better than anyone and he wondered if it was because of Ann or if there was something else.

“They know each other separately, I didn’t even know until Ken mentioned it the other night.” It was nice for him that they did, but the more he looked at Lyor the more he was worried that something was really, really wrong right now. “You doing okay man, you seem more stressed.”

“I think it’s having to do everything officially now. I could pass stuff on to Emily if I thought it was too hard before, now I have to do it all.” Lyor said quietly looking around, and Seth realised that in all the time he’d known Lyor, he’d never actually displayed any kind of weakness or hint of insecurity about his work before. “This is just making me realise there is a lot of stuff I still don’t understand how to do.”

“You’re going to learn, and I’ll help you.” Seth smiled and patted his back, wishing for a moment that they were alone so that he could reassure him properly. There weren’t that many things that he didn’t know after almost three years working in the White House, in two different administrations, so he was sure that he could get everyone to help Lyor on this learning curve. “We’ll all help you,” Seth reassured him, then tried to show him around the rest of the process, how it told them how to deliver the key lines of the speech and what they needed to have in it. 

Seth didn’t like seeing Lyor having a problem like this, and more than that he didn’t actually like the fact that there was nothing he could do right now. He may have promised Kendra a meal tonight, but when she knew the circumstances he was sure she wouldn’t mind eating out instead. “Ken, meet us at that new Chinese place on our block in an hour.”

“ _ Sure, I just called a full lid, is everything okay? _ ”

“Lyor’s having a little bit of new title panic.” He could hear the echo and guessed he was on loudspeaker, that probably meant that there was someone else in her office, and he guessed that at this time it wouldn’t be Emily. She had blocked a couple of hours out for an interview with a potential communications director, one of the three he’d recommended, so he wasn’t going to complain.

“ _ Ah. I actually have Aaron here should I invite him along too? _ ”

“Er, yeah sure.” He wasn’t sure about that, only because Aaron and Lyor didn’t really get along and Aaron had been in Lyor’s position once. He may have been the best person to help, but whether they could get over their personal differences to actually work together Seth didn’t know.

“ _ It’ll be fine Seth, we’ll see you in an hour. _ ”

“Great.” He could already hear Aaron in the background, and Seth hoped that Kendra was having a word with him. They weren’t ready to come out with their relationship, but Seth was sure that Kendra would be able to phrase it in a way that made it seem like they were just very close friends. “I just called Ken, she and Aaron are going to meet us at that new Chinese place.”

“I was just going to go home.” Lyor frowned, pulling his bag on. Seth knew that it was part of the anxiety too. Lyor might not call it that, but Seth had suffered from it enough over the course of his life. It was never easy when you were doubting your ability to do a particular job, but that didn’t change anything about it here. 

“Hey, don’t be a pooper.” He needled, hoping that that would convince him. Seth also knew that five minutes in a room with Kendra would cure him of any doubts he had. “We know you’re having a hard time, dinner, a few drinks. You can laugh at Aaron being confused by our conversations. Maybe you two will even get to know each other a little better.” That was one of the things Seth had wanted for a while. He knew that Aaron and Kendra had been occasional adversaries for years, but they liked and respected each other. 

“Alright, alright. Chinese does sound good.” That made Seth grin more, and they could go right from here rather than going back via the White House, they had no reason to go back. As they started walking out Lyor managed a smile. “Besides, Kendra’s words of encouragement are magic and somehow always work.” Seth was glad that Lyor had noticed that too, which made him smile again. “I don’t know how she does it but she always knows the exact right thing to say. She’s gonna make a great mom.”

There was something about the way that Lyor said that that made Seth pause. It wasn’t that Lyor was out of the loop on their discussions about it, he wasn’t, he knew that they wanted to have children sooner rather than later, but that wasn’t the kind of comment that was like ‘one day’. That was an ‘in the immediate future’ comment and Seth was frozen thinking about that potential. “Wait, what?”

“I said nothing,” Lyor said, but Seth wasn’t buying it. If there was something that he knew Seth wanted to know, and if it wasn’t that he wanted to know why Lyor was thinking that. “I just… I know stuff from observation and maybe you should talk to Kendra about it.” Seth didn’t like him playing it this unspecific, it wasn’t like Lyor either.

“Alright, you’re freaking me out now. Are you trying to tell me you think our girlfriend is pregnant?” He wanted children with Kendra, he knew that as much as he knew anything in his life, but Seth had to admit that he wasn’t sure he was ready. They’d only spoken about it a few weeks earlier, and he didn’t know if this was fast or not, but he was freaked out about it either way.

“She hasn’t said anything, but I think she’s a day or two late.” Lyor looked guilty that he’d made Seth worry like this, and while there was a part of Seth that was terrified, he was glad that Lyor had brought it up. “Like I said, talk to her about it, I don’t know anything for sure.” Seth didn’t know anything for sure, and while he was terrified he also couldn’t pretend he wasn’t excited about the possibility. He wasn’t sure if this was normal, but even if it wasn’t it was a good feeling. He would bring it up with Kendra next time he got a chance, he just didn’t know when it would be.

* * *

***Tom***

Kendra Daynes was far better at briefing the press than Tom would have ever expected. If she didn’t already have a job she would have been perfect as Seth’s deputy. He might recommend to Emily they use her instead of Lyor when Seth was unable to brief in future, well, for the next two weeks anyway. He was still ruminating on that idea when he felt Penny bounce onto the sofa beside him. “Dad, I have a thing to do for school.”

“What is it?” He asked, smiling a little as she held the paper out to him. He could see that she had plans already, but Tom wanted to hear her explain it before he tried to guess. Penny was a smart girl, but her brain made intuitive leaps that Tom would never be able to understand.

“I have a project for English, they want us to write reports about things that have been important to us.” That seemed like a very deep project for children of Penny’s age, but that was probably why Alex had so wanted to send them there when they first moved to DC. Penny seemed to be loving it, and even Leo liked this school.

“What do you want to write about Little Pea?” He was still going to let her run it because it was best for her if she took the lead and just knew that Tom was going to be there if she needed the back-up and to answer any questions that she might have had. She was clever though, he was sure that she already had a plan.

“Well, I wanted to write about mommy.” That would make sense, especially given how raw it still was to them all. Tom wasn’t sure if either of them was really ready to talk too much about Alex, but if that was what Penny wanted to do right now then Tom would help her, of course he would. “And our old house before you were President.”

Penny looked so excited about that one, and Tom knew that she loved that house. He often wondered if they were going to go back to that house when they were done here, he wasn’t really sure if he wanted to do that but they didn’t have anywhere else to go. That was a consideration for later on. He didn’t need to think about that right now. “We can talk about both of those things.”

“What about Nana’s house in Europe that we went to that summer?” Penny thought again, and Tom had to wonder about that one. He didn’t know what it was about that house that had been so quick to grab hold of Penny’s imagination, but it had been back then and she clearly still thought about it.

“You were only five?” Half her lifetime ago. That was slightly terrifying to Tom and thinking about it that way was probably not the smartest idea. Penny looked at him like he was the one not making any sense, and maybe to her, he wasn’t. It seemed like she was settled like he’d thought she would be.

“I know, but I liked it,” Tom remembered that summer, and getting Penny out of that house had been difficult. That was where Eva had gone to since Christmas, he thought. She was escaping everything. “And I want to write about you and about Kendra.” There was a part of Tom that was still slightly jealous that Penny wanted to see Kendra every night when she got home and would go down to the West Wing before coming to see him, wherever he was. 

“We can do all of those things.” He nodded and smiled as she started spreading papers out across the table in front of them, and Tom wondered what she was expecting for them to do and how much she was expecting to write. 

“You’ll help me?” She seemed to be double checking, though given how distant Tom had been recently he couldn’t say he entirely blamed her. He hadn’t been the most present person over the last few weeks. “Even if it gets sad?” Penny knew well what talking about Alex was going to do, so Tom wasn’t surprised that she actually asked.

“Of course I will Pea.” He assured her, giving her a close hug as they both thought it through for a moment, and Tom was just really preparing himself for this conversation because he knew that he was going to have to answer all of Penny’s questions honestly, she would know if he wasn’t. 

“Thank you.” She said quietly and immediately launched into questions. Once again Penny’s particular leaps were beyond his ability to follow, but she knew what she was doing and they got most of it written. He thought that she should call Kendra and ask her the questions, mostly because he didn’t know any of the answers. Penny then said something that made him think about what else he had to do. She said that she was happy that he’d said sorry to the people he’d been so mad at. 

But he hadn’t said sorry to them all. One he never planned to apologise to, Forstell would get over that though. The only other person that deserved one and hadn’t gotten one would likely still be somewhere around. He didn’t leave until quite late, and that was the one thing that Tom depended on. He kissed the top of Penny’s head and told her to call Kendra, then he headed off to find where Mike would be. Sure enough, he was there in the office just down the corridor. As soon as he got there Tom knocked on the open door and sat down. “Sir?”

“Keep your seat. I owe you an apology.” Tom wasn’t going to beat around the bush, Mike deserved more than that but Tom wasn’t sure he’d get it all out if he didn’t start it straight away. He wasn’t the best person when it came to apologies, especially recently, but he wanted to get through this because he was sure that it was another step to getting back to some semblance of normality. 

“Sir?” Mike just looked confused, and Tom couldn’t entirely blame him. There was no warning about this, and Tom hadn’t given any context. He felt a little like he was having to go through this a million times, learning each time how to do it better next time, though in a way that was a synonym for grief in its entirety. 

“I haven’t been kind to you since Christmas, and if you’ve felt like I blamed you… well, I can’t say you were wrong. But I  _ was _ wrong.” Mike really wouldn’t have been wrong if that was what he’d been thinking because that’s what Tom had been doing. Mike, Kendra and John had been the objects of his blame, and while it was all misplaced he still hadn’t been able to truly shake it. Logically he knew it was wrong, but he wasn’t able to entirely stop.

“I understand sir, I was in charge of who was on the detail.” Mike nodded, and that didn’t help Tom. Just like Kendra, Mike blamed himself too. Mike had kept everything together a lot better than Kendra, though. Even now Tom would occasionally catch her looking like she’d been crying, but he didn’t press. It was up to her if she wanted to talk about it, and he wasn’t going to press her. She had a boyfriend and friends for that.

“It wasn’t their fault either. I don’t even really blame the FBI.” Alright, that was a lie. One day it would be the truth, but for the moment he still blamed them irrationally. As long as he wasn’t aiming it at anyone in particular he thought he could live with that. “This was the work of a madman who wanted revenge on the wrong people.” 

“You don’t blame Kendra then, either?” Mike asked, and Tom wondered if they had spoken that much about the situation. They clearly knew each other, but how well he didn’t know. Would they have been close enough to share their thoughts on this situation? “The man was targeting her, after all.”

“She did her job, and Alex would kick my ass if I kept blaming her for being a good lawyer.” That was the one thing that he was still sure about, that Alex wouldn’t be happy with him recently. Particularly in relation to Kendra and Mike. “I should have apologised to you weeks ago, but I didn’t. More than that I should have thanked you, you’ve always done your very best, and I know you’d turn back time if you could.” 

“I would.” Mike nodded, for the first time betraying the depth of the emotion that he was feeling, and Tom felt for him there. Ever since that first day, the day of the bombing, Mike had been one of the few people that Tom trusted. He couldn’t let this all come in between them. Now the apology was out of the way, he already started to feel far more comfortable. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as hard as he’d been expecting it to be. 


	26. Day Twenty Four

**_January 18th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra almost forgot that she was supposed to have Leo with her today. It was Thursday and she had been thinking about everything else that she had to do, at least until Leo was coming through her door and she remembered. She’d even prepped the day before so at least she knew that she had something for him to do. “Please, please don’t have me organising something that doesn’t matter today Kendra?” He was almost begging and she thought that was somewhat sweet. 

“No, don’t worry I have actual work for you to do.” She smiled softly, motioning to the seat on the other side of her desk. Today he was her employee, so she was going to treat him professionally. While she had work for him she wasn’t sure that it would be all that much more thrilling that what he’d been doing for Lyor and Seth. Though that depended on his thoughts on it. “It’s not the most exciting, it’s what I’d have my interns doing if I had any.”

“Alright, what do you need me to do?” Leo was at least enthusiastic, maybe a little over-enthusiastic if she was honest about it, but she didn’t really know how to mention that to him. Though Alex has once mentioned that Leo had been thinking about law school eventually, so maybe it was working in the counsel’s office more than anything that had him excited.

She then leant down and picked up the box that had been at her feet. “This is every legal opinion I’ve written since I came to the White House. I know, it’s a lot.” Most of them were quite short, but some weren’t. It depended on what it was about. She was busy every day because she was doing the work of five lawyers, though Leo typing these up would help. “I need you to type them all up again and where there is a citation I need you to go and find the relevant law and add it in.”

“Wait, really?” Leo looked a little more interested, though maybe that was because she was trusting him with work that was actually extremely important. Unlike on the last two days where he’d been doing somewhat unimportant work that would have definitely felt like a punishment. “I kind of think I’d like to be a lawyer, I just worry I’m not smart enough.”

“Have you been focusing on pre-law classes?” She was sure that Leo would be plenty intelligent enough, especially coming from the two people that he did. He might not feel like it right now but she was sure that he’d be able to do it, Kendra had faith in him for that. 

“Mostly, and music. That’s mostly because I love music and I want that to be something I can do as electives.” Leo nodded as he spoke, and Kendra had to smile for that. She’d never really taken other classes, but she’d done a lot of other things and she’d never had to pull a single all-nighter. Which seemed to be rare.

“I’m sure you can. I mostly stuck to singing for my downtime in college, I was in a band.” She smiled a little at that and realised that Leo was actually really worried about all of this and Kendra knew that if anyone could help him reach this dream then she was the person to offer. How happy her boys would be that she cut into what little time they had she didn’t know, but she would rather help if she could, and they would get over it eventually. “Leo, if you’re set on law school I’ll be glad to tutor you.”

“Really?” He asked, looking shocked that she would offer to do that for him, and it made her just want to tell him that she didn’t hold grudges and that she wanted to make sure that he succeeded if that was what she could do for Alex. Kendra had the feeling that sticking to the latter was the better was to go. 

“Sure. I know your mom would have done if she was here, but I’ll step in if that’s what you want to do.” She smiled at the happiness in his face, and Kendra hoped that that would alleviate some of the stress that he’d been feeling. If he’d been thinking that he’d lost the person that could help him maybe it wasn’t that surprising that he’d been so angry.

“Thank you.” He replied quietly then looked down. “Look, I’m really sorry about how I’ve been treating you the last few weeks. I’ve said some things that I really regret and thought some things that weren’t fair.” He was clearly ashamed and that was enough for Kendra to believe that he was truly sorry. 

“Leo I don’t hold any of them against you. I lost my father a few months ago and I’m just as angry at his co-workers sometimes as you were at me.” Kendra wasn’t sure she’d mentioned her father to either Leo or Penny, but she knew that it was what he needed to hear right now. He needed to know that someone knew how he was feeling, and that they weren’t going to be angry at him for having those feelings. “It’s natural that it hurts, but you will start to feel less angry, I promise.”

“Thanks for everything, especially for offering to help me.” He said quietly then stood up and picked up the box. She just stood up too and went to open the door again, planning on finding somewhere out in the main office for him to sit, somewhere he wouldn’t be distracted. “I’ll get on with this. I can use the internet, right?”

“Sure, knock yourself out.” There was no reason he couldn’t, he may even need to for some of the more random references in her thought process. Not that she thought any of it really mattered. The original arguments had already been had, but they were going to need to be sent over to Congress eventually.

She stopped at the door, she should have picked where she was putting him the night before. Leo stayed stood next to her as she looked around then spoke quietly. “Kendra… you know on weekends… would you ever have any work for me to do around here?” That would help him too, but she didn’t want to say yes or no before she’d spoken to his father.

“I’m not sure. I’ll speak to your father about it, alright?” She smiled then spotted the cubicle that she was sure would be fought over when she had a full staff here, she made a mental note that after the speech she needed to push Emily to let her fully staff her office. “Come on, I’ll set you up in a cubicle.”

She ended up in and out of her office to sort things out and was filling forms out when she spotted Seth coming in. She hadn’t been expecting him today, so she was a little surprised to see him there. “Hey Leo, Ken can I have a word?” Seth waved to the teenager then gave her the look that said he really needed to speak to her.

“Sure. In the office?” She nodded and motioned back, grabbing the file before she turned away. She trusted Leo but she still wasn’t going to be leaving classified documents on the table just anywhere. Kendra didn’t believe in not locking those things up because she knew that it only took a minute for something to leak. 

“Yeah.” Seth agreed then lead her back into her office. Kendra was mildly concerned about what it was that was causing Seth to act like this. In the months she’d known him she couldn’t remember any time he’d been this jumpy. He held his hand up and waved to Leo, and she just narrowed her eyes. “We’ll be back in a minute Leo.”

“Whatever dude.” Leo had the same level of interest in that as Kendra would have done. He didn’t need to be watched every second of the day, and she was mostly just confused and concerned. It was so unlike him to be this jumpy, even with all the stress from the speech she didn’t buy it.

“Seth, what’s going on? You’re scaring me a little.” She took his hands and hoped that that small action would help centre him and convince him that he didn’t need to keep thinking about whatever it was that was making him crazy, or that was on his mind so much that he couldn’t stop overthinking it.

“This is probably crazy because I’m listening to Lyor but… I couldn’t stop thinking about it after he mentioned it and I think I just need to hear you say that he’s crazy.” Now she was even more concerned because this wasn’t at all like Seth. He didn’t babble like this and he tended to know what he was saying, especially when it came to her, so the fact that he was mumbling on made her pull him a little closer and drop one hand so that she could lift his chin.

“Seth, baby… what’s wrong?” She managed to create eye contact and she was determined to keep it. She didn’t know why he was so worried and more than that he didn’t seem to know why he was worried either. At least that was the impression she was getting from the mess that he was being right now. 

“Ken... could you be pregnant?” He blurted it out and for a second Kendra’s brain just froze. Out of all the things that she’d thought that he would ask her about that was probably the last thing. She was a few days late now, but she was fairly sure that that was just how stressed she felt. But more than anything she just wanted to know how he had come to think about it without her mentioning anything.

“Wait… what makes you think that?” She didn’t particularly want to talk about her bodily functions with anyone, not even Seth, but she would if it would help one of both of them understand more about the female cycle. Someone needed to teach them, and she was guessing that their previous girlfriends never had.

* * *

***Seth***

She didn’t look all that impressed, and Seth wondered exactly how far off base Lyor was. He and Kendra hadn’t had sex often enough for him to figure out her cycle and really he didn’t want to think about how Lyor had worked it out anyway, but he hadn’t had any reason to doubt him. “Lyor said he noticed that you might be a day or two late and that I should ask you about it.”

“Well, I am a couple of days late but given all the stress of the last month that’s not that surprising.” Seth let out a light sigh of relief. He wouldn’t have been unhappy if she was pregnant, but he wasn’t sure that he knew how to not be relieved at hearing it was just stress. It was a byproduct of years of not wanting to be a father just yet. Kendra smiled a little at his response then narrowed her eyes. “Wait, how the hell did Lyor know that?”

“Something about noticing things and patterns and I don’t know I didn’t want to go into it.” He really hadn’t and didn’t and wasn’t going to ask. That was a conversation that Kendra and Lyor could have on their own and Seth would do everything in his power to not be around them for that moment. 

“I don’t think I’m pregnant babe, if that helps.” It did help, she was right, and as he let himself unwind he just pulled her against him and kissed the top of her head. He couldn’t believe that he’d let himself get so worked up about this given that it was Kendra that he was speaking to. Of course she would have just rolled with it. “I don’t know for sure and… well we have a lot of sex so it’s possible but I don’t think I am.” 

She had to remind him about the sex, and while it wasn’t regular there was still a lot of it on the nights when it did happen. She was right, they could have managed it, and maybe they should check it out. He would take her thoughts on that. “Do you think we should check?” 

“I’m only three days late. If it hasn’t shown up by Sunday I will, but right now I think it’s best we just hang tight.” She looked down, clearly mentally counting to double check. He didn’t know if he could wait that long. After a moment she looked back up at him and there was pain in her eyes. “I thought we wanted this?” That was the question he’d been dreading, because he did want it but he was still worried that he would be a terrible father. He didn’t know how to talk about this. 

“We do, I do.” He really did. He’d never thought about having a family with anyone else, and he couldn’t imagine another woman having his children, but that wasn’t stopping his overactive mind telling him that this was a terrible thing. “It’s just… It’s not even been two weeks since we had that discussion and here we are.” 

“Seth I love you, and if I am then we still have months to get ready, but I really think Lyor is off the mark.” Kendra trying to reassure him was always sweet, and even right now when she didn’t know the exact problem she was close enough that he felt himself relaxing even further. “I know my body, and I know how it feels when I’m late. Trust me.”

“I always trust you.” He smiled because he knew that if she was saying that she was certain, or as certain as she could be. She also never lied to him, and she never just said something to make him happy. It was a new experience for him, but one that he loved. “I love you, okay. More than I thought could be possible.” He never had a problem telling her that and he always liked to hear it back.

“I love you too. We’d be fine, Seth. We would be fine and you would be the best father.” She stroked his cheek softly then leant forward and kissed him again softly. He loved that she was open to doing that. Her comment reminded him of what it was that Lyor had said that had brought all this about anyway.

“Lyor said yesterday you were going to be a great mom and you know what he’s totally right, you’re going to be an amazing mom.” Seth smiled and he knew beyond all doubt that that was true. He only needed to think about how fantastic she was with all the children in their lives and how much this was something that she wanted. 

A phone-call interrupted them and Seth regretted stepping away and heading out of the office, saying goodbye to Leo as he did. Finally, though he could concentrate on his work, and on everything that he needed to get done today, because this morning he hadn’t been able to focus, and he felt like he should apologise for the morning briefing. He wouldn’t, but it had been a little terrible. Despite how much Seth loved Lyor, seeing him this afternoon was not needed. “Did you speak to Kendra about what we talked about?”

“Yeah. That has to have been the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had with her, by the way, so thank you for that.” Seth felt like he needed to blame Lyor for that because while he had been helped and reassured by the end of it, it was definitely not something that he’d enjoyed doing.

“What did she say?” Lyor seemed more interested than Seth would have actually expected, even though he was part of their family he hadn’t seemed to want to be involved in these decisions so far. Seth didn’t blame him for that since they hadn’t ever really been clear about their standings.

“She doesn’t think so, but if things haven’t changed by Sunday she’ll do one.” Seth nodded a little and remembered what Kendra said about it not changing anything immediately. They would still have plenty of time to work things out, but Seth still didn’t know what he truly wanted. “It’s not that important really, between now and then we just have to think about what could happen. Baby or not. It doesn’t have to change anything, especially not immediately.”

“Do you think you’re ready to be a dad?” Lyor asked, looking around to make sure the door was closed as he did. The conversation with Kendra and all the thinking he’d been doing since the day before still hadn’t answered that question for himself, which made him think that probably he wasn’t actually ready at all, but that didn’t stop him from wanting it too.

“Not even close but I think it would be great.” He wondered what Lyor thought about that too. Assuming that he wanted to stay around he would be a dad too, and Seth wondered if he was ready for that, or if he’d even thought about it at all. “What about you, are you ready to be a dad?”

“Me?” He asked, a look of confusion on his face and Seth somewhat wished that Kendra was there just to see that look. Seth just stepped closer and wrapped an arm around him, especially since he knew that they were all alone in here.

“We’re together, Lyor. The three of us. You’re involved just as much as I am.” The only person who couldn’t be left out of this was Kendra, she was somewhat needed, and he knew that she’d want Lyor to be involved too. “I may provide genetic material, but if you want to be part of the unit Ken and I would be so happy for that.”

“I’m… that’s a lot to think about.” Lyor stuttered and Seth realised he had been right and Lyor hadn’t even considered that. It seemed like it was obvious given their relationship, but it was still new and Lyor hadn’t even been involved for two full months yet. They could all learn together if it came to that.

“We love you, man, but it’s all your choice.”  “Let’s see what the weekend brings. We can all talk about it together.” All this was showing Seth was that the three of them needed to have a serious discussion about where the future was going if they continued down this road. It was probably for the best that they discussed it and it was definitely what he wanted. He loved them both and he thought they would be best doing it all together. “Come on, we have speech prep.” Seth knew that they needed to head down before people asked where they were.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom was already fed up with the amount of people in the Oval Office. Most weren’t speaking, but they did all need to be there. This was the first time he had been able to see a full speech. He’d commented on the notes so far, but he hadn’t actually known what Seth was doing. He had total faith, but it was still worrying. “Alright, so this is the first draft?”

“No sir, this is around the sixth draft. This is just the first one that we think you might like.” Emily explained, and Tom heard the groan from Seth. Somehow Tom didn’t think Seth would like anything that he was writing for this speech. That was the part of a speechwriter in this kind of situation.

“I also don’t recommend sending Seth back, I think he’s starting to lose his mind.” Lyor seemed to be the one that was most worried about Seth’s mental health around the speech and everything else. Tom had to admit that it couldn’t have been easy for him writing this one in particular, as he would have been dealing with Kendra’s issues in private too. 

“Starting?” Seth responded while looking at Lyor, and Tom had a feeling that there was something else personal at play there. Given the closeness between the two of them and Kendra, Tom was willing to bet that they had plenty of private jokes and conversations that nobody else was going to be involved with.

“You’d probably be further along if you didn’t have Kendra at home,” Emily commented this time and now  Tom was just wondering if he had been left out of the loop. Then again, that was pretty much what being the President meant. He was out of the loop almost as often as he was in the loop when it came to the personal lives of his staff. 

“Alright, you told me all these people needed to be here for this but… Why are you all here for this?” Mostly they were the speechwriting staff who were here to hear him deliver the speech and to edit how their sections flowed together and make it easier for Seth to piece it all together again. But that could have been achieved if he’d just recorded it in front of the senior staff.

All of them fell silent for a few minutes and Tom wondered what it was that was causing it. They all ended up looking to Emily and that really made sense as she was the chief of staff, and really should have been telling him straight away anyway. “Because sir… We want to bring more people in for prep.” Tom didn’t know why that had been met with quite so much trepidation, but he also didn’t think that it was all that necessary.

“I’m used to giving speeches now, Emily.” He shot back, not liking the feeling that he was being treated as though he was a newcomer to giving things like this. It had been a year since he’d been sworn in and now he was used to the glare and he didn’t think he needed to be coached.

“Can we have the room, everyone,” Emily said, and she just indicated for Seth and Lyor to stay. The others all quietly filtered out, no doubt just waiting outside the doors for when they were called back in. Tom wondered what Emily wanted to say that required her to clear the room, but at the same time, he didn’t care that much. “You’ve not given a speech recently sir, and not like this one.” She said as soon as the doors were closed just leaving the four of them in the room. “This is huge and on top of it you haven’t really been at your best since Christmas.” 

“You don’t think I can do it?” Tom challenged quietly, he wasn’t sure that Alex’s death had actually affected him all that badly but he also knew that he couldn’t keep assuming that he was the best one to follow his performance recently. It was becoming more and more obvious to him that he actually didn’t have a clue, and that his staff were all trying to help him. They didn’t want him to fail, and none of them wanted to hurt his feelings either. They were doing their best and he needed to start accepting it.

“I don’t think anyone could do it without prep, and none of us is that experienced at this.” Seth was probably the one who understood the most how he was struggling, and only because he’d been seeing it through with Kendra too. Tom didn’t want to give in, but maybe it was a good idea after all.

“That’s why we want to bring someone in.” Emily continued quietly, and Tom just nodded his head. They would probably do it anyway, or they would push the address back and he would have to deal with it one way or another, however little he wanted to accept this. 

“She’s someone I’ve worked with before, sir. She’s good.” Lyor added, and that made Tom feel better. Lyor may have been a little strange and took his time to settle into the job but now that he was here Tom trusted him as much as any of the others, and if he was saying this person was good then he’d believe it.

“I’ll take it under advisement. Let’s start running through this, my kids will be home soon.” Tom knew it was going to take at least an hour, and he didn’t want to get back too late. Who even knew where Leo was, given that he’d been working for Kendra today and she was the one member of the senior staff who wasn’t here. She would have already signed off on this version of the speech though, he was sure. “I’ll read it again tonight and I’ll text you any thoughts, Seth.” He said as the others slowly filed back in, and Tom just savoured the panic-stricken expression for a moment before he turned his focus back to what he was doing.

As soon as he started he realised that Emily and the others hadn’t been wrong. The first practice wasn’t a disaster, but it certainly wasn’t the strongest speech that he’d ever given, and this needed to be the speech of his life. As they left Tom said that they were right, conceding that point. He’d then took the text back to the residence to read once Penny was in bed. Leo had been avoiding him since Monday, which made it even more surprising when he came and sat with him. One look told Tom something was bothering the teenager, but what that was he didn’t even have the ability to guess at. “Leo, what’s wrong?”

“I heard you and Pen talking about mom last night,” Leo said quietly, and Tom wondered what it was about that that was upsetting him. If it was that he hadn’t been involved that would make it even harder for Tom because he didn’t want either of them to feel like they were left out.

“You should have joined us, Leo.” Tom wanted both of them to feel like they could talk to him about what they were feeling. Maybe he hadn’t been the most emotionally available parent since all of this had happened, but he really wanted to try and change that.

“I didn’t want to interrupt, Penny seemed so happy and I don’t think I could talk that happily about mom.” That caused a stab of pain through Tom and a bulge in his throat. He knew that Leo was having a much harder time moving on from the bitterness and anger than Penny had had, but knowing that Leo struggled to talk about his mother in a good way upset him. “Kendra made a really kind offer and it just made me miss mom even more.”

“I miss her too,” Tom admitted, it was such a stupid thing to think that he didn’t actually say it all that often, but he never stopped missing her. First thing in the morning and last thing at night he was reminded she wouldn’t be there in the bed with him, wouldn’t drop in on him in the office. None of that was easy and he missed it all so much it took his breath away if he thought about it for too long. 

Leo just shook his head though, and Tom could see the tears welling up in his eyes. There were so many things about grief nobody understood and it wasn’t until you were going through it that you learnt about it. “It’s more than that dad… I’m angry at her for not being here and I can’t stop.”

“That’s why you were being so angry with other people, huh?” Tom realised, misplaced anger was something he had some experience of. There was no easy way to deal with it, and Leo had clearly just realised who he was really angry with, and sometimes that was worse than the pain of missing them. 

“It was easier when I was pretending I wasn’t mad at mom,” Leo admitted, the tears spilling from him almost instantly as he said that and Tom dropped everything to the coffee table then moved along the sofa to pull Leo into his arms and held him close. “I just want her to be here. How can I graduate and her not be here to see me?”

“I ask myself that every day Leo, but I know that mom would be wanting you to do the best that you could,” Tom admitted, those milestones were the things that he thought about most. He didn’t really think all that much about anything else. The one thing that Tom could say was that Alex would hate to see them like this. “She wouldn’t want to think that we were suffering because she’s not here anymore.”

“How can you even think about things being normal again?” That was not something Tom thought about much. Normal was never going to be possible. Things had changed far too much for that to ever happen. 

“I don’t. Everything is going to be a new kind of normal.” Who was it who had said that to him? Was it Judith Daynes? He wasn’t sure but it seemed like a pearl of wisdom that she would have come out with. He just rubbed Leo’s back, not letting his son go until he was ready, wanting him to know that it was fine for him to cry. “It’s alright to be upset, I am. All the time. Just remember that I love you and so did mom.” He reassured, letting Leo pull away and do whatever it was that he wanted or needed to do next. Tom hoped that this was a breakthrough for him too, because the one thing that they all needed to do. Moving on was hard, and the first month of anything was filled with so many emotions. This may not be the end of things, but it could be the start of the rest of their lives. Lives that would only include Alex Kirkman as a memory.


	27. Day Twenty Five

**_January 19th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Kendra didn’t like how awkward her home felt at the moment, though she knew that was partly that she wouldn’t take the test that Seth wanted her to. She didn’t think it mattered that much, but then she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it and taking the day off to collect her mother had given her far too long to think about it all. Kendra had always wanted a family but it had never seemed like it was going to happen for her. Her career had come first, and now that she was so close she had to admit that she was terrified. Not that she’d say that to Seth and Lyor because she knew the terror was natural when making a decision like this. Pulling up outside her mom’s place she sighed a little and pushed all those thoughts to the back of her mind. “Hey, mom.”

“You sure you’re okay taking a day off like this?” Judith rarely wasted time on pleasantries these days Kendra noticed, and she just shook her head walking around the car ready to get her in. This was always the most interesting part of any day out they had together, mostly because Judith hated being helped but didn’t always have the strength to do what she wanted on her own. “I mean, what if something happened?”

“Mom I’m already here, it’s a little late to be asking that. I have my phone if anything happens that requires me to head in.” Kendra smiled, and despite the fact that they both knew that she was happy that Judith still thought about it. Kendra hadn’t missed taking her to one of these since she was sixteen, and she wasn’t going to start now. She just stood back watching as Judith tried to move herself over before asking if she actually needed and wanted a hand. “Need me to help?”

“Well, you have an important job now,” Judith said, ignoring Kendra’s offer and managing to pull herself up into the car and pushing the chair back toward Kendra and smirking proudly. “I mean, you work in the White House, you’re the most powerful lawyer in the country.” That wasn’t quite true, but Kendra wasn’t going to stop her thinking that.

“Because my job in the Senate wasn’t important?” She mumbled as she folded the chair up and put it in the trunk. She felt like, at times, she’d been doing more for the public when she’d been with the Senate, but she was proud of the work she was doing now. Truthfully she knew that this was the only way she would have ever gotten this job. She was too liberal a lawyer for even the most liberal of Democrats, while Tom Kirkman tried to keep his staff as balanced as the country was. 

She fell silent again as they started driving toward the clinic, her thoughts returning back to the idea of children and her potential pregnancy. She wasn’t sure that she was going to be able to do about it all, even if she wanted to. “Kennie… What’s on your mind?” Judith asked after a few seconds and Kendra turned her head briefly.

“What makes you think anything is?” How did Judith always do that? She always knew and she wasn’t shy about letting Kendra know that she knew. Was this something that she was ready to talk about with someone outside of the three of them? She didn’t know for sure but this was her mother and they had never had secrets. She didn’t know how it was that Judith always knew but it wasn’t worth denying it. “How do you always know?”

“I’m your mother.” Was Judith’s simple answer and Kendra just let out a sigh and thought about what to say. She knew that there was going to be support no matter what because Judith was never unsupportive but that didn’t mean saying this was at all helpful. “Is everything okay with Seth and Lyor?” Kendra had obviously been silent for a few seconds too long, and she frowned a little thinking about that.

“Yeah, they’re fine. We’re fine.” At least she hoped they were. It seemed like there was a lot that they really needed to talk about all of a sudden that she had thought they were clear about. It wasn’t really a joint conversation before, so that was probably why she knew they needed to talk. Instead, she thought that the actual problem she was fixated on was one her mother would understand. “Lyor and Seth think I’m pregnant. I’m pretty sure that I’m not but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Am I happy or not happy?” Judith asked, and Kendra realised she hadn’t actually told her mom that they were thinking about making her a grandmother so she wouldn’t know that part. Given how she’d come to exist she could see why her mother might be worried about a baby being wanted by both parents. Or all parents, as it was in their case.

“About me being potentially pregnant?” She clarified, watching out of the corner of her eye as Judith nodded. “We’re planning it mom, Seth and I… we want a baby so that would be happy. Not like when I came along.” Kendra had known from her early teens that things when she was created had not been the easiest for her mother, but they had had a good life in the end. That wasn’t the problem, right now it was that she wanted to be pregnant, but that wasn’t how she felt. “I just don’t think that they’re right.”

“What do you think?” Judith had always been good at making Kendra think about why she felt something, or why she believed something, and that had been helpful when she was younger. In this situation, though, it just made Kendra doubt herself even further. She wanted to be pregnant, she wanted to be moving forward, but it wasn’t time yet.

So she knew that she was going to have to face the fact that she was right, though for probably the first time she could ever remember she hoped that she was wrong. She hated being wrong, but if she was wrong here it would be even better. “I think I’ve been stressed and anxious and it’s messed with my cycle.” 

“Maybe while I’m in with the neurologist you should go and get a test. Put your mind to rest.” Judith recommended, and Kendra thought that over. She normally liked to be in with the consultant, but Kendra knew that nothing was to be done now. It was the same thing every year, a list of things that were slightly worse and her meds being changed slightly. Missing it for something that could help was a good idea. “Kendra you’ve always been hyper-aware of your body, I guess growing up with a mother who was losing control of hers led to that. But it does mean that you know what’s going on with you.” 

“Thanks, mom,” Kendra said, slowing as she went to turn into the parking lot for the clinic, knowing that it wasn’t going to be the easiest place to park near the entrance. They were early though, so she found the closest empty space that would let her get her mom out and just got everything sorted. She was even happier when her mother stayed silent too, letting her think.

“How is the President doing?” Judith eventually asked as Kendra started pushing her over. It was clear that her mother cared about the President and wanted to know that he was doing well. For the first time since Christmas Kendra actually felt like she didn’t have to lie about how he was managing. She had hated lying to people, though she’d always told her mother the truth, but she had wanted to protect him to other people.

“Better. He started therapy.” Kendra had been pushing him to do that since she’d started, but she knew that most of what made him actually go was when she threatened to resign, and she wasn’t going to pretend that there wasn’t a part of her that was proud of that. On top of that, she also knew that her mother had been a helpful counsellor and that the President appreciated it. “I’m sure he’d be glad to hear from you mom. You’ve been one of the few people he’s listened to over the course of the last month.”

“Maybe I’ll give him a call tonight.” Judith agreed, both of them dropping the conversation as they walked into the clinic, neither of them wanting to talk about things that probably shouldn’t have been shared anywhere near publicly. When her mother was called in Kendra went to find the closest pharmacy, there was always one near a clinic, and as soon as she found it she went to the bathroom. 

Pausing as she waited she realised that she wanted it to be positive. More than anything she wanted for it to be positive and she wanted to be able to tell Seth and Lyor that they were right. Five minutes later though she needed to accept that that wasn’t to be. Not this time. She just shook her head when she saw her mother, and they skillfully avoided the conversation the rest of the day. At four she got a call asking to pick them up in an hour and a half, which again gave her the unfortunate time to think as she drove back. She drove to her usual parking space, knowing that that was where Seth and Lyor would be first, and she tried to look like nothing was bothering her. As soon as Seth got in the front seat she looked at him and tilted her head. He could have only just finished the evening briefing. “You’re finished early?”

“Today wasn’t as busy as I expected for a Friday.” He smiled, leaning over to kiss her gently before he fastened himself in. Still trying to pretend that she wasn’t bothered by anything that she’d done today. She wasn’t at all sure that she was succeeding. “How was your mom’s appointment?”

“The usual. Nothing has changed and she’s managing to have slow progression, which I’m thankful for.” It meant that maybe, just maybe, they would have more time together and so soon after losing her father she wasn’t sure that she would have coped with losing her mother too. “I mean, I wasn’t in there, but I know it anyway.” It slipped out, and she realised that that was the biggest mistake she could have made.

“What were you doing?” He asked immediately, and her mistake was straight away something she regretted, and would probably be something she’d regret for the rest of the day. Seth wouldn’t let it go, and he’d probably be slightly hurt by this, but she wasn’t sure about what else to do.

“Where’s Lyor?” She managed to say it without her voice giving her away, but Seth knew her well enough to know that if she dodged like that that she probably had something to tell him or both of them, and Kendra really didn’t want to have to do it twice so she was going to keep ignoring him until Lyor was in the car too.

“He’s coming. Don’t dodge my question, Ken.” Seth said quietly, reaching over and stroking her hair back behind her ear. She smiled softly as he did that since he knew that it was something that calmed her down. After a moment of that Lyor got in the back, scowling at Seth as he did. “He’s here. Now, will you tell me what you were doing since you dodged it so well.”

“I took a pregnancy test.” She just dropped that and let it sit there for a few moments. She didn’t know how they would react and she wanted them to think about what she was saying, but she couldn’t help herself from welling up a little as she took a breath to finish the thought. “It was negative.” 

“I’m sorry babe. Next month, maybe.” Seth continued his gentle movements, helping Kendra make herself feel less like she was going to cry. She was going to hope every month at this rate. Even while he kept stroking her hair and neck. “We all need to talk at some point about what this could mean too.”

“Not tonight, though.” She said instantly. Tonight she just wanted to cuddle up with the both of them and pretend that there wasn’t anything going on in her mind that would require a serious conversation. She hadn’t expected to be so emotionally exhausted by this, but she was. “Sunday is probably going to be the best day for it. I’ll skip church if I need to.”

“I think Sunday is a good idea. It gives us all time to think about what we want.” Lyor agreed, squeezing her shoulder softly. Kendra smiled a little as he did that then wiped her eyes and tried to get herself ready so that they could get themselves home and she could do exactly what she had been thinking. Today had been one hell of a day.

* * *

***Seth***

Seth hadn’t had the best start to the morning. He didn’t like feeling like there was something between him and Kendra, and he didn’t like feeling as though they needed to talk about everything in their lives because of one small little thing. It meant he was struggling to concentrate and he hoped that it wasn’t showing that much, but he still jumped when Emily walked into the room. “Did the President send you many notes?”

“Surprisingly, no. Only about 200.” Seth had been thankful for that because it meant he wouldn’t have to add too many flourishes. He was getting into the last parts of writing it now, and he wanted to try and have it locked by Tuesday so that they could actually move on and start working on presentation.

“In the entire speech?” Emily was clearly exactly as surprised as Seth had been when he got the papers back. The comments had even been added in a nice blue pen, which was frankly a lot more calming than if he’d used a red pen. Honestly, given how his day had started, he would have probably cried. “Yeah, that’s a lot less than I was expecting. How’s Kendra, I know she took a personal day.” That was the real reason Emily was in here. He shouldn’t have been surprised, and yet he was.

“Her mom is seeing her neurologist and Ken likes to take her to those appointments if she can.” Seth knew that there was a lot that happened with MS. He tried to read up on it when he had the time but, doing the job that he did, he rarely had the time. He wanted to know more about it so that he could help Kendra, and by extension, so he could help Judith.  

“Why does her mom see a neurologi- wait, it’s none of my business.” Emily stopped and shook her head, holding her hand up. It wasn’t Emily’s business but it also wasn’t something that Kendra had ever tried to hide and Seth wasn’t exactly sure how it was that she had missed this.

“Have you somehow missed that Kendra’s mom has MS?” He asked and the look of surprise on her face said that somehow she had, in fact, missed this part of Kendra’s life. “She had a relapsing-remitting course when Kendra was young but it progressed to secondary progressive about twenty years ago, Kendra was eleven.” Seth had learnt that, and that was enough for him.

“That explains why she’s so protective of her mom.” Emily nodded a little. Seth thought that it was adorable that Kendra was as protective of Judith and that she always made sure that Judith was doing well. Emily, on the other hand, was clearly more worried about Kendra getting back. “She’ll be back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, she’ll be back tomorrow, no doubt in fighting form, too.” Seth was absolutely sure that Kendra would think that this was all somewhat hilarious, especially at the fact that Emily had somehow missed all of this. It was something that Seth would make sure to tell her - if only so it felt like they were going to be able to figure this out. “I’ll tell her you were checking up on her, Emily. She’ll appreciate it.” He didn’t actually think that she would, but he’d tell her anyway. Mostly because there would be a part of Kendra which thought that it was hilarious Emily hadn’t known this.

“Great. Thanks, Seth.” Emily smiled and headed back to the door which Seth was thankful for. He wanted to try and focus for the rest of the day. “Good luck with the edits.” She said and disappeared, and Seth hoped that she was done. He didn’t have much to brief, he didn’t have much of anything really, and so he was glad that both he and Lyor would be done early.

He had expected to be elated when Kendra confirmed that she wasn’t pregnant, but he wasn’t. He especially wasn’t when he saw how broken up she was, and how she wanted this. Not just that she wanted a baby but that she wanted him to be the father of that baby. He couldn’t be relieved about it when he thought to himself how much he’d wanted it too. Convincing her to eat when they were home had been more difficult than he’d expected, but cuddling up in bed was what she wanted, and after dinner, they were all more than happy to do that. “Hey, Lyor fell asleep.”

“He was tired, I guess whatever he was doing today tired him out.” She replied quietly, sliding gently out of his grip and closer to Seth. Lyor was the cuddliest person when he was awake, but once he got to sleep they had both learnt he was best left to his own devices until he was waking up again. 

“The Senate can do that to a person.” He joked quietly, both of them settling down and watching their boyfriend sleeping for a moment. Lyor looked so much different when he was asleep, his face lost the intensity and it was nice to see him calm. Seth kissed Kendra’s shoulder softly then whispered in her ear. “You know that I love you, right?”

“You tell me six times a day.” She chuckled softly, but at least it was genuine. She told him at least as many times too, and Seth knew that was because they both had a similar relationship history, being with people where they didn’t know how the other person felt. “Yes, I know. I love you.” She replied after a moment, turning her face away from Lyor to look up at him.

“Maybe this wasn’t supposed to be this time, but we’ll get there Ken.” Seth was sure about that, and he knew they were both worried about how and when and all the usual things that worried people of their ages. They also worried about what role Lyor would play, or if he’d play one at all, but that could all be worked out. He also knew there was at least one upside to all this. “We probably need to be a little more regular with our attempts.”

“I know, and I knew it hadn’t happened this time I guess I just wanted to hope.” Once again the soft disappointment in her voice. Hope wasn’t a bad thing, and probably next month he’d be hoping just as much. He’d needed this test-run to know how he felt about it all, and it turned out… He really didn’t feel the way he’d thought he would. He wanted this as much as she did. “I really, really wanted to hope.”

“Ken I promise you, we’ll get there.” He kissed her shoulder and neck again. Wanting to use anything he could to help her calm down and know that this wasn’t even a setback, it was just a first try. “This was only the first possibility and we still have so much to talk about, and we need to work out how Lyor wants to fit in to all this.”

“I’m not sure how I’d want to do it without him,” Kendra said quietly and they both looked to where Lyor was still sleeping soundly. “Every plan I’ve made has always included him.” Seth knew what she meant because every version of the future he had contained Lyor too. It wasn’t easy thinking about that.

“I know, mine too.” He decided that it was best they move on from dwelling on that thought because one way or another he and Kendra were in this together. “We’ll talk and we’ll work it out and one way or another we will do what’s going to be right for all of us. Even if that means you and I doing it alone.” Hopefully, it wouldn’t be that, but he was going to try and plan for every possibility. “Just know you’re stuck with me, no matter what.”

“Standing by me for the last month has proven that, Seth.” Kendra smiled, and Seth understood without words what she was meaning. She hadn’t been the easiest person to love or live with, but Seth still wouldn’t change anything about how this had all developed. “You’re stuck with me too.” 

“Good. Now go to sleep.” He kissed her cheek and wrapped her up close to him. Unlike Lyor, both Seth and Kendra enjoyed being cuddled together in their sleep, and as long as Lyor was within reach they all slept soundly. Seth wanted to do anything that he could to make sure that they all felt comfortable with things going forward, really it was the very least he could do.

* * *

***Tom***

Tom didn’t know how much longer he could stay in the White House while doing this. Every time he was told to do something or had something pointed out to him he was looking around for Alex’s comment. It reminded him of that first meeting with Seth, Alex had been there then, and she had not backed him up at all. Maybe it would be easier if he wasn’t doing it here? Maybe he could prep away and that would stop him always look for Alex. Camp David was the obvious choice. Alex may have lived there, but he hadn’t been there with them. He didn’t know if it was possible, though, and he needed to know so he picked the phone up and dialled Emily’s office. “Do I need to stay in the White House for prep?” 

“ _ No… why? _ ”

“What would you say to you and Lyor staying here while I take the speechwriting staff and Kendra out to Camp David to work on prep next week.” Why he included Kendra he wasn’t sure but he thought that it would be a better idea to have her around than to leave her here in DC anyway. If she was needed back here she could be driven.

“ _ Do you think that will be a good idea, sir? _ ”

“Seth and Kendra can both staff me if anything happens and Aaron can make the trip if anything requires an NSA briefing.” That was why he could bring Kendra, she could argue both sides of any discussion and that was what he’d need when he had limited senior staff. “I need to get away from here if you want me to focus on improving my performance. It’s not going to happen while I’m looking over my shoulder for Alex’s opinion.”

“ _ Well, I can certainly put it all in motion. What about Penny and Leo? _ ”

“Penny I’ll take with me. We can arrange for her tutor to come along too so she won’t miss out on schooling.” There was no real question about that, and Tom wasn’t sure that she’d be all that upset either. He would be able to spend some more time with her and she loved it at Camp David anyway. “I’ll give Leo the choice. He is old enough to be trusted, besides, he always has secret service protection too.” Tom wanted to give Leo the choice, he was almost an adult and he deserved to be treated that way.

“ _ That’s a good point, sir. I think you’re right, too. Get out of DC and focus just on this. It may help you more than you think. Besides, Michelle will be here Monday too. _ ”

“Michelle is Lyor’s friend, yes?” He hadn’t caught her name before, but now he at least had that much. He would have preferred to know who he was going to be dealing with, but he also knew that neither Lyor nor Emily would have recommended her if she wasn’t good. He had to keep trusting them. 

“ _ Yeah. I’ll talk to the Secret Service and get all that in motion. With your permission I’ll bring in Seth’s new deputy over the weekend, he can work with her and help her break in. I’ll stay in the residence with Leo too. _ ”

“Good idea.” He was grateful Emily offered that. She would be available if he needed something, but she would also be too busy to coddle him or try and control him. In a way, this would be the perfect start for Leo, and Tom hoped that he was as trustworthy as he believed him to be. “Alright, I’m going to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“ _ Yeah, I’ve pushed your wake-up back until 8 unless there is an emergency. _ ”

“Emily I have a grieving ten-year-old, believe me, I will be awake before 8.” Penny was up at around 7 every day, school or not. On weekends she would come and talk to him until he had to go to work and she did whatever it was that she did when he wasn’t in the Residence. No doubt getting up to no good, that was something that she had been an expert in as long as she could talk. “I appreciate the extra time.”

“ _ Yes, sir. Sleep well. _ ”

“You too, Emily.” He finished and hung up. Despite every intention of bringing it up with Leo the next day, he couldn’t stop thinking about it as he got ready for bed. He needed to know where Leo was going to fall on the idea of coming or going. It was just sitting there in his thoughts and he didn’t really want to try and sleep while he was fixated on it, so he decided that it would be easier to just talk to his son. He got up and padded through the residence quietly, knocking on Leo’s bedroom door then pushing it open. “Leo, can we talk for a second.”

“Sure, what’s up?” Leo took his headphones off and Tom had to admit that it was nice to walk in here and not worry about one or the other of them being angry. Tom didn’t like when they were mad at each other, and in these circumstances, he didn’t think that it was helpful for either of them to walk on eggshells.

“I need to take the speechwriting staff up to Camp David next week for prep before the State of the Union on the thirtieth.” He probably didn’t need to say the date, the entire country was worrying about what might happen. It was part of why he had chosen Kimble Hookstraten to be his Designated Survivor. But this week of prep was needed, and even if he didn’t need to think about what might happen. “I’m going to be taking Penny and Liberty with me, but I wanted to give you the option of staying or coming.”

“Who’ll be here with me if I stay?” Leo looked unsure of himself, and Tom didn’t blame him. Even before he’d become President they’d always been protective, and neither of the kids had been without one of them or their mothers. It did mean they were somewhat coddled and protected, and that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

“Emily’s going to come and stay in a spare bedroom as the adult in the building, but she’ll be mostly working. You’re almost eighteen, I trust you on your own.” Tom was going to keep making that point. Especially if Leo was going to go to college and succeed in just a few weeks.

“I’m back in school next week too, right?” Leo checked which made Tom remember that this suspension was over and that he’d been given glowing reports by the entire staff. That was something that he could be proud of when he spoke to his chosen colleges.

“Yes, you are.” He nodded, internally thankful again that Kendra Daynes was so good at helping him with school things. Mostly though Tom thought that she liked to argue just as much as Alex always had. “I know nothing is easy at the moment, and sometimes it feels like we’re failing at everything we’re doing, but we’re not really doing all that badly.”

“I know dad. I think I’ll stay, I don’t want to miss my classes.” That was sensible for a boy who was going to be graduating in just a few months. Secretly though, Tom had hoped that his son would come with them. He wanted Leo to grow up confident, but he still wished he had his little boy there. “I can call you though, right?” It was a soft question, one that reminded Tom that there was always going to be that little boy in Leo. 

“Every night I would hope.” He smiled and kissed the top of his head before standing up. “Don’t stay up too late.” He wasn’t going to order, he was going to let Leo take responsibility and he believed that that was going to be the best thing he could do now. Tom didn’t want to think about how this would all go if he didn’t because he was all alone now, and they were much more grown up than they’d been a month ago. Tom was fairly sure they were all more grown-up than they had been.


	28. Day Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only six chapters more to go after this!

**_January 20th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Therapy this morning hadn’t been nearly as exhausting as usual, though she’d probably had even more to talk about than she had before. The guilt from the crash was finally beginning to really diminish, which was making it easier for her to cope. They only had one more session anyway, and Kendra thought that she was over the worst, and that was what this had all been for. Today she’d even come into work by choice after the session. She didn’t have that much she needed to do, but here she was anyway. It turned out to be for the best when she learnt that on Monday morning they’d be going to Camp David, so she started getting all of her files in order. “Kendra!” At the voice, Kendra looked up and smiled seeing Penny Kirkman bounding over to her.

“Hey little miss, what are you doing here?” It wasn’t unusual that Penny was in the West Wing, in fact when she wasn’t in school she was often down here finding the people she liked to talk to and causing trouble wherever she could, but it was unusual that she was here on a Saturday. Normally someone took her out if the President was busy.

“Daddy has to work with Seth and Emily and Lyor so I thought I’d come see you.” She’d wanted to be with her dad, that made sense. Kendra smiled and stood up, coming around the desk and just smiling at her, crouching down a little. “You weren’t in there so I thought it would be okay.”

“Of course it’s okay Pea. How about we go and get a hot chocolate down the street.” Kendra knew that that wasn’t always the easiest thing, but generally with just Penny one or two agents were fine and they could walk and talk about whatever it was that was clearly on Penny’s mind. She did think it best that she check with Penny’s agent. “That okay Shannon?”

“Sure, I’ll pass it on.” Kendra knew that that meant sending an agent down to the coffee shop they all frequented to keep an eye on people coming in and out. She dithered about getting her jacket on then held a hand out for Penny, shooting a text off to Seth first so that if he came looking for her he’d know where she was.

They walked quietly and it was easier for Kendra to let Penny lead things, but after five minutes it was clear that she wasn’t sure about how to start it. Shannon and a second agent were a few steps behind them, enough to give the semblance of privacy while making sure that they were both still safe. “What do you want to talk to me about, huh?”

“How’d you know?” Penny looked up at her and frowned a little. Kendra was shot back to the day before when she’d asked her mother that question. It was really easy to know when it was a ten year old though, but Kendra didn’t really want to say that to Penny.

“I guessed.” She said, then as they got to the almost empty coffee shop Kendra smiled and held the door open before sitting down with Penny. She’d written their order on a slip of paper for one of the agents to give, it was considered a security measure, though Kendra didn’t really understand that. “Did your teacher like your presentation?”

“She said I spoke about too much but she wanted things that were important and everything was important.” Penny looked mortally offended that anyone thought that she could talk too much about the things that she cared about and that passion was adorable in a child of Penny’s age. “I think I didn’t talk about mommy enough.” She mumbled and Kendra frowned at that thought, especially knowing how much Penny had written about her mom in the assignment.

“Why do you think that?” She had to ask it, if only because it would help her understand Penny and why she was this worried about not speaking about her enough. Kendra knew there were still a few problems with the President, not that she could blame him either, but that didn’t mean that Penny wasn’t talking about her mom often enough. 

“Because people kept asking me how I felt when she died.” Penny looked sad just think about that and Kendra smiled taking the hot chocolate and thanking the agent, also giving Penny a huge piece of chocolate cake too. “And they kept asking me what I think she’d want now. I don’t know what she’d want.” 

“I do.” Kendra smiled happily, taking a bit of her chocolate cake then smiling to Penny. She just wanted to let her know that it was alright to be happy and that it didn’t mean that she didn’t miss her mom. “She’d want to know that you were happy and that you were safe.” Kendra looked around as she said that, just wanting to check where the agents were. More for her own piece of mind. “More than that she’d want to know that you were okay without her, but that you wouldn’t forget her.”

“How can someone forget their mom. I mean… It’s their mom.” Penny looked so confused at that, and Kendra smiled softly at that. It was something that she didn’t understand either but she knew that it was a coping mechanism that some people had. Maybe it was because both she and Penny were lucky to have had excellent parents. 

“I know, but people do.” The hot chocolate was making her feel better too. Maybe she had been more wrung out after therapy than she’d thought. Or maybe it was just being around someone as hopeful as Penny seemed to be that helped. After a few minutes of silence, Kendra leant down a little to whisper to Penny quietly. “I still talk to my dad.” 

“How do you do that?” There was a wide-eyed look of disbelief on Penny’s face and Kendra nodded. Maybe, in some small way, feeling like she could still talk to her mom would help Penny feel like there was something better for her to do. Not that Kendra thought her coping mechanism was all that good most of the time. It seemed to work well enough.

“I close my eyes, and I think about him… and I talk.” She closed her eyes and smiled, demonstrating a little. She actually needed to try and find some time to get away and do that soon. She didn’t know what her father would think of everything going on right now, and she just wanted to think about him for a little while. 

“Does it work?” Penny asked, playing with the spoon in the mug, both almost finished with all the chocolate. Kendra didn’t mind teaching the ten-year-old that chocolate would make everything feel a little better because she honestly believed that that was a lesson that all children should learn early. “Do you feel like you talk to him?”

“I think so.” She nodded, she pulled her phone out to find a picture of her father and handed it to Penny so she could see who they were talking about. It made her miss him even more, but she loved that photo. She wished that he’d been alive to see her here, but she was sure he’d be proud of her. “I tell him about what I need his opinion on, and I feel like he guides me to what he thinks.”

“Do you miss him still?” Penny probably wanted reassuring from a grown up that she would be able to stop missing her mum one day but Kendra couldn’t do that. She was pretty sure that there were people who missed their parents until the end of their lives and that was how it was supposed to be.

“Yes, always.” She nodded, Kendra didn’t want to make Penny feel like it was an impossible ask but she also didn’t believe in lying to children. So that was only one thing that she could say. “But it gets easier Pen, I promise you. Come on, we should get back before someone wonders where you took me.” She smiled and stood up, holding her hand out to Penny. If for just one moment she made Penny feel better then Kendra was going to be happy about her day.

* * *

***Seth***

Lunch hadn’t come quickly enough for Seth. He wanted to sit and think about everything that had been happening over the last few days and all of his emotions about it. Normally, obviously, he’d talk it over with Kendra and Lyor but right now they both needed to reach their own conclusions on the same things. His office offered solitude, normally, but he hadn’t expected Aaron to follow him in and keep pressing him for questions. “What’s on your mind today?”

“Huh?” He asked, thinking about what would happen when they stopped walking and Aaron and he were alone. There was no reason that it would be something he struggled with only it was something he was struggling with because he didn’t actually know what to do about all of it. It wasn’t the idea he had issues with, it was about what would happen to them all if it happened. 

“You’re a million miles away and the usual source of that isn’t here.” Aaron teased and Seth immediately knew that he was talking about Kendra. He wasn’t wrong either. Normally if he was this distracted it was because Kendra was there and something she’d done had reminded him how lucky he was. It also happened around Lyor, but thankfully Aaron wasn’t normally around when that happened.

“Ken?” He wasn’t mentioning Lyor, that was still a big no for more reasons than he wanted to list. Aaron was suspicious, he knew that most of the staff were, but nobody was ready to tell about that. “No. We’re…” He trailed off and thought for a few seconds, wondering what to say when he realised that this was his answer. He could talk about it with Aaron, leaving Lyor on the side, and hopefully work something out. “Okay don’t tell anyone this, especially not Emily, but… Ken and I are thinking about having a baby.”

“Wait, really?” Aaron froze then dropped onto the sofa. That reaction was not what he’d been hoping for. Seth knew that he and Kendra hadn’t been together all that long but it was perfect and he’d always been told that you knew love when it showed up, and that was what he had now, with both Kendra and Lyor. “You think you’re ready to be a dad?” That was everyone’s first question, so at least Seth knew his answer for that.

“No. I don’t think you can ever be ready.” He really didn’t, it was such a life-changing decision that you were never ready. There was just so much that could go wrong, as well as all the things that could go right. “But we both want it. We both want it so much and that tells me that we’re doing the right thing.”

“But?” Aaron pressed, knowing that Seth wouldn’t be this distracted if he wasn’t thinking about something more. It was just so hard for Seth to consider being a parent when he was in these walls. He and Kendra, and Lyor too, all worked insane hours and could rarely know one day to the next how long they’d be here. That made the idea of having a child, or more than one, so much more difficult for him and he didn’t know how to get over that idea. 

“We both work  _ here _ .” He ended up saying, motioning around the room. There would be elections coming up at the end of the year, then the potential for two full terms of the Kirkman Administration. “What effect is that going to have on a kid. Mom and dad could be working in the White House until they’re nine years old.”

“Seth… look I’m not a parent and my longest relationship was seven dates and a quickie so I have no idea about parenting and relationships but I don’t think that that stuff matters.” This time it was Seth’s turn to be frozen in his mental tracks. Aaron causing him to rethink everything that he’d been racing off with.

What did it mean that it didn’t matter? They would be working ridiculous hours and a ridiculous lifestyle that nobody else had to go through, something that would set them apart from the rest of their classmates. Seth didn’t want to think about how it wouldn’t be a problem. “Huh?” 

“You and Kendra have the two biggest hearts of anyone I know.” Aaron smiled, and Seth just tried to stop his thoughts and listen to what Aaron was actually saying. “Your baby, or babies because I get the feeling that once Kendra starts she’s not going to want to stop, is going to be the most loved child and this freak show will just be another part of their life.”

“So… it won’t matter?” Seth hadn’t thought about it that way really. They wouldn’t know anything different and Kendra did have a huge heart. She was also amazing with children, the way that Penny Kirkman had responded to her was proof enough of that. They would surely be able to make it all make sense. 

“No, they’ll be living a crazy life, but they’ll have loving parents who would do the best for them.” Aaron smiled then paused himself and shook his head with a chuckle. Seth narrowed his eyes and wondered what he was getting at. “I guess that bullshit I said to Emily once is true. It was about how everyone suddenly realises what’s important when a tragedy happens and they make their life choices easier, and earlier.” That sounded about right, as he didn’t think they’d be trying already if Christmas hadn’t happened. “I mean, I didn’t say it that positively to her but it was the same meaning.”

“All I know is that I love her and I didn’t think you could know that after four months but I knew the first time I kissed her.” Seth nodded and realised he didn’t think he’d told anyone that before, not even Kendra herself. “For the first time in my adult life I can see myself settling down with three or four-”

“Or fifteen.” Aaron interrupted him, and while Seth wouldn’t deny that if she had her choice they would have their own soccer team, but he wasn’t going to let her go anywhere near that far. He might want kids, but he didn’t think either of them would be able to do more than that. 

“-four kids and a house and all that kind of thing.” He reiterated his maximum number because. Though that image of the future was perfect to him. It did include Lyor in its ideal form, but Seth would be able to live with it if Lyor decided that he didn’t want to be part of a full family.

“Then don’t worry about where you work or about the President or Emily or anything else.” Aaron proclaimed, and that was exactly what Seth had needed to hear. He always cared far more about what everyone else thought and he didn’t put himself first anywhere near enough. This situation should, surely, teach him that putting himself first was the very least that he could do. “Worry about your family, the one you want to create, because believe me, that’s the one that will matter.”

“Thanks,” Seth said sincerely then stood up, realising that the time he had to eat had actually been taken up by this conversation. “I needed that pep talk. Now I need to go and set out rules for tomorrow and briefings for the week with my new deputy.” It was nice that she was being brought in more than a week early so that she could cover for him and Lyor wouldn’t have to. Aaron didn’t look like he was envious of that. In truth, Seth would have rather just gone home right then, but they worked for the President, so it didn’t work that way for either of them.

* * *

***Tom***

For a Saturday today had been so quiet that Tom was almost suspicious. Even Leo and Penny had been doing their own things while he’d been in prep and having his now-weekly therapy sessions. He wanted to know what the kids had been doing, but he thought that it would be best if it all came up on its own, so dinner had been a group affair, around the table and everything. “How did therapy go today dad?” Leo asked suddenly, completely out of the blue. Tom had been honest about therapy with them both, wanting them to know that it was perfectly fine to ask for help when you needed it. 

“It was fine. We talked a lot about your mom.” He normally talked a lot about Alex in his sessions. She was the reason they were there, when he looked at it that way, and he needed to get all his feelings about her out in the open as that was the only way that he’d ever be able to move on and pull everything back together.

“That’s good I think. Talking about mom that is.” Leo agreed, shovelling a little more food into his mouth. As he did that Tom smiled about how Alex would have reminded him about his table manners and that it was impolite to talk with your mouth full. Tom would have said it too, but he was too struck by the memory to focus. 

“Yeah, I like talking about mom.” Penny chimed in and nodded, she took her mother’s lessons about table manners a little more seriously and had waited until her mouth was empty to speak. “I was talking about her with Ken today.” Tom had been told by the Secret Service that Kendra had taken Penny for a walk, he didn’t really mind as long as she had protection, because Tom wanted for his daughter to be happy and Kendra helped her with that. 

“I heard you went and got hot chocolate?” Tom framed it as a question to try and get Penny talking. She had been surprisingly quiet most of the time, only talking to anyone when she wanted to which Tom understood was part of how she was coping with things, but he wanted to try and bring her more into conversation when he could. 

“We did, and she told me about her dad.” Tom had heard a little about Kendra’s father, though none of it was from Kendra. Judith had spoken about him when they’d spoken, and it did help Tom understand why Kendra was so easy for Penny to relate to at the moment.  “She still has a mom but doesn’t have dad, and I still have a dad but don’t have a mom.”

“She understands you, huh?” Leo asked this time, clearly realising himself why it had always been so important for Penny to have Kendra around. Given that Leo had been so angry with Kendra for the first few weeks it was probably something that he could feel guilty about. Lord knew that it was something that bothered Tom. 

“Yeah. She knows how to be me-sad.” Tom understood her meaning. She thought that Kendra was able to relate to her, probably through being a woman who had also quite recently lost a parent. It was nice to hear that he’d been right all along, but it didn’t stop there being a little hint of jealousy in Tom that he wasn’t enough for Penny right now. “It’s why I like going talking to her when she’s here on weekends.”

“Well, I’m glad you have her to talk to.” Tom nodded, trying to swallow the ball of jealousy that had risen in his throat. He didn’t want to feel like that but he did. When he thought more about it though, he wasn’t as sure who he was jealous of. Kendra for being who his daughter looked to, or Penny for having someone there to listen to her and understand. “You know you can talk to me too.” He reminded her and looked to Leo to include him in that conversation too.

“I know dad just… it’s hard sometimes.” Penny said quietly and looked away. Tom felt another stab of guilt that his thoughts and actions after all of this was why they thought that it was hard. He wanted to argue and tell them that he was getting better and so would be fine with it, but he was cut off before he could start.

“It really is dad.” Leo then clearly decided that changing the subject was a better idea, but he picked something that Tom hadn’t really known how to bring up or how Penny would actually take it. He had had his thoughts about it, but he didn’t know for sure if he was right about them. “Hey have you told her yet?”

“No, I was going to tell her after dinner but I’ll say now.” He sighed and turned to Penny, who just look suspicious about what she hadn’t been told. It was going to be easier to just say it straight, knowing that Penny didn’t really need to be coddled as much as he did. “We’re going to go up to Camp David next week.” 

“Okay… why?” Penny pursed her lips and looked at him even more suspiciously. He remembered that while she had loved it there, the last time that she had been there it had been for protection, and she’d been with Alex. Tom thought that he could make it sound more entertaining than it actually was.

“I need somewhere with peace and quiet to try and learn something, and I want to spend time with my best girl.” He smiled then reached over and tickled her a little bit, it was hilarious that she still squealed just like she had when she was a baby. By this age, Leo had started giving him loud laughs, but Penny retained her toddler giggle when it came to tickles.

“Daddy!” She eventually got out between her giggles and pushed his hand away from her side before stopping to catch her breath again. Tom just smiled watching her, happy to see that smile on her face. “Is anyone else going?”

“Well, the speechwriters will be there, and Seth and Kendra are coming.” Tom was sure that telling her that Kendra was going to be there would be something that made her even more excited, and Tom would have to remember to mention the Kendra that she should probably expect more of Penny.

“How long will we be there?” She frowned again, though this time Tom couldn’t even begin to guess at why. He wasn’t going to keep pushing himself to work out what was going on in Penny’s mind, she’d tell him if it was something he needed to know, or she’d tell Kendra who would tell him. 

“For a week, we’re going to go on Monday morning.” And they would be going early Monday morning. He had so much that he needed to run through with the staff, and he didn’t want to miss a full day of it to travelling and settling in. A morning was going to be trouble enough.

“Yey no school for a week!” She seemed far too thrilled about that possibility, so of course, in the traditional way of being a parent, Tom was going to enjoy ruining her excitement and making it be known that it wasn’t a vacation. If he was going to be working so was she.

“Liberty will be coming, you’ll still have to work.” He wasn’t going to let her skip out on an entire week of school however much she probably would have enjoyed that. It was easier to look at it as being school outside of school than anything else. Tom just didn’t want to leave her alone. Leo was almost an adult, Penny wasn’t.

The look of disdain was almost enough to make Tom feel like he was being a good dad and that he could do it all on his own after all, and then his favourite part of being a parent when he’d had Alex to discipline happened, and he realised he’d have to be the one who discouraged. “Dammit.” 

“Hey.” He scolded as Penny covered her mouth with her hands. That was almost funny, but he just couldn’t let it pass. If he would scold Leo for it he should scold Penny even if it was funnier out of her mouth. “Where did you learn that?” 

“You.” Penny had an ability to play everything straight. She didn’t tend to lie very often, she just said the truth with such a sincerity that to those unfamiliar with her they would assume that it was a lie. It was how she had gotten away with so many things that Tom couldn’t even count, so he had no reason to doubt her on this either.

“Alright, I’ll let you off.” He couldn’t actually tell her off if he was the one who had taught her it, even if he hadn’t meant to. A few minutes later she slid off her chair having finished, and Tom nodded with a smile. “Pick your favourite things to take.” He called after her, shaking his head as she walked off toward her bedroom. This was going to be an interesting week away, but he needed it and he thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be good for those he was taking too.


	29. Day Twenty Seven

**_January 21st 2018_ **

* * *

 

***Kendra***

Kendra hadn’t really been sure about what she was going to be facing today, but she was sure that it wasn’t going to be great. One way or another she was going to have to have an awkward discussion tonight, and that was part of why she wanted to make the evening memorable. It could be the last one they had. She’d been even more surprised then when Lyor had called her to pick him up just as she was coming out of mass. He had even been waiting at the side of the street forty-five minutes later when she’d been arriving there. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“It was on my way back from church. We need to pick Seth up too.” She didn’t dare show any outward sign of affection other than reaching over and squeezing his knee. They were both always aware of how it would appear on the outside if they were too physical with each other. It didn’t always stop them, but it should.

“Where is he?” Lyor asked, and Kendra was somewhat surprised that they hadn’t spoken to each other today. Even on days when they didn’t see each other or they weren’t at work Seth and Lyor still spoke. This situation was making it awkward for all of them and there was a part of her that wanted to take everything back and just let it go. But she was well aware of the stats and she didn’t want to miss her chance.

“Work. He went in to talk to his new deputy so I went to church.” Alright, that was the other way around. They had bickered this morning, so she’d gone to church and dropped him off at work. She didn’t even remember what they’d been bickering about but they had needed the break from each other. “I booked us a table at that vegan Chinese place we like.” She hadn’t been planning on that until she’d been travelling to church, then she’d done it on the spur of the moment.

“The one that has the whole gluten free menu?” Lyor asked, clearly making sure that he knew the right one. Kendra now made sure that anywhere they ate had choices for the both of them. It definitely didn’t help that the two of them had such massive differences in their diets. If they were on the same diet it would be easy.

“That’s the one. Seth isn’t as fond of it as we are but he can always find something he wants to eat.” Unlike the two of them Seth would eat almost anything. He often complained about it but he would eat it. Kendra let silence fall again but now that Lyor was right there with her all she could do was think about what was going on between them all and the decisions they were all going to have to make. “Do you… do you know where you… you know?”

“Ken I’m not used to hearing you stutter.” Lyor smiled looking at her for a moment. She had to admit that she couldn’t actually remember the last time she was this nervous about anything at all. This was just such a big thing and she wasn’t the one in control of it, that was making her nervous. She didn’t like feeling out of control. “I think so.”

“I think we’ll all know better about it once we’ve discussed it, right?” She was hoping so anyway because right now she was not feeling good at all. That was part of why she and Seth had been having such a hard morning. They were both nervous, and if Kendra was completely honest, they were both afraid. “Lyor give me some confidence, please?” She’d beg if she had too, she just needed to be told that everything was okay.

“Kendra calm down. We’ll talk, and the three of us will work something out.” Lyor at least sounded like he knew what he wanted. That was something helpful. Kendra realised that they had barely moved two car lengths since joining the busier inner-city roads and she sighed just as Lyor grumbled looking around at the traffic too. “Why is it so busy?”

“That’s a very good question.” She was going to guess some sort of sporting event, she didn’t actually have any idea, and they weren’t normally on the roads on any day. It was not going to be possible to pick Seth up in this so she sighed and looked to Lyor. “Call Seth, tell him to meet us at the restaurant there is no chance that we’re getting through this before we’re eating.”

It didn’t seem to matter to DC traffic that they had dinner reservations, they still had to crawl through that part of the city before she could turn in to the parking lot for the restaurant then followed Lyor in. She loved this place, and she was even happier to see that Seth was already in the waiting room, though she heard Lyor say he’d be right with them before ducking off somewhere. “Hey, you two eventually made it here?”

“Sorry, the traffic was insane.” She kissed him softly as she got to the waiting area with him. They would hopefully be in their usual booth at the back of the restaurant, it was private and would keep them away from the sight of everyone else. It was pretty much the most private place in the city for the three of them other than her living room. As Seth kept his hand on her back she just thought about the morning and felt bad about their fight. “Sorry about his morning too.”

“We were both stressed, it’s okay.” Seth clearly could see Lyor’s back over her shoulder, and Kendra would have turned around but she didn’t want to give anyone another reason to talk. “Where’s he landing?” He asked quietly, pulling Kendra against him so that he could talk into her ear, she just wrapped her arms around him to make it look even more like they were just making up before she replied.

“I’m not sure. Do you know where you are?” There was a part of Kendra that was still terrified Seth would back away from this idea. She didn’t think it was likely but it was still a fear that was in the back of her mind and she couldn’t shake it until she heard it out of his mouth. Right now she had to admit that there would be problems if either of them backed out, but she could survive Lyor deciding this wasn’t for him. Seth would break her heart.

“I do, I know what I want and I know what I need with it. And it was always going to be with you.” He smiled saying that and kissed her softly, letting her take a moment to accept that he meant it. “Whatever happens we’ll work it out.” He continued, going back to saying it quietly and straight into her ear. 

“You sure about that?” She replied, not really doubting him but just needing to make sure for her own peace of mind. Given that she thought Lyor was going to agree too she hoped that this would be the end of her anxious freakout about the decision they had to talk about. First though, she just really wanted to enjoy her food with two people she enjoyed spending her time with.

Kendra was quiet as she just let Seth support her as they waited for Lyor to come back to join them, and she was grateful for it. She just needed to remember that it didn’t matter what happened, she still loved them both and right now that was enough. She could live with that. “Sorry, a friend from congress. Have we got a table?” 

“We were waiting for you. Come on, they’ve given us our usual booth. At least we’ll have privacy.” That was definitely something that she could appreciate. She tried to contain her nerves through dinner, and eating did help a little, as did driving home. They spoke more like normal and she was feeling a little more confident about everything that was going on with the three of them.

* * *

 

***Seth***

It seemed like dinner had gone well and the drive home had included the same bickering over who got front seat and Ken threatening to make them both get the train home. Nothing was in between them and he was grateful for that, but as soon as they were all sat in their living room the elephant in the room needed to be addressed. He got the feeling that neither Kendra nor Lyor were going to bring it up on their own. “Alright, we have put this off as long as we could. We really need to talk.” Kendra started off by glaring at him, while Lyor resolutely stared at the opposite wall. “Come on, this will eat away at us all if we don’t. 

“You’re right. You’re right.” Kendra said, holding her arms up then crossing them and sitting back in the sofa. Seth had never before imagined what she must have looked like as a teenager who would sulk and complain about how unfair the universe was but he had a good idea what it looked like now.

“Okay… I’ll go first.” He decided that it would probably be easier to say it, even if Kendra wouldn’t need to hear it. She knew about his fears, and he knew about hers, but they didn’t need to tell each other about them. They both just knew. He could at least say it out loud for Lyor, maybe it would help him know that he wasn’t the only one terrified about what this could all mean.

“No, Seth. Let me.” Lyor interrupted, holding a hand up then moving over onto the sofa he and Kendra had sat on, settling himself on the other side of her. “I know that my… surprise that you wanted to include me in all of this has made it a little bit harder for us all the last few days.” Seth felt a little guilty about that, because it had been him running his mouth that had led to it. “Honestly… I always thought that when the two of you decided to start a family that would be it for me.”

“Lyor…” Kendra started, sitting forward a little to put her hand on his leg, but he shrugged it off and shook his head softly. Seth just watched and realised that if someone didn’t have a hand on her she was going to start panicking herself. So he leant forward and grabbed her hand with a smile.

“Let me finish, please.” Lyor managed to get out while they were doing this and Seth just nodded, hoping that he realised that was for Kendra too. “I’m not good at talking about how I feel, I’m not the easiest person to be with even at the best of times and I never actually believed that anyone could ever, or would ever, want to have a family with me so I needed some time to process that. Especially since it’s not just one person, but two.”

“How do you feel about it now?” Seth prompted, still clinging on to Kendra’s hand, and now he wondered how much of it was about Kendra now or if he needed the feeling just as much. It was probable that it was about him too because every word Lyor said was building him up and making him wish that he could just hurry through this part. 

And Lyor, like all good television presenters, knew how to use pauses to his best effect, and right now Seth was just about ready to scream at him for the answer, though that would probably change the answer. “I think… I think I’d like to be involved, assuming you still want me to be.” He finally pronounced and he felt Kendra jump forward and pull Lyor into a hug before he could stop her.

“Of course we do, of course.” He smiled, just leaving a hand on Ken’s back as she clung to Lyor for a few seconds, when she finally pulled back and sat down properly again Seth took a breath and decided that now he really would say what he’d been thinking. “Since we’re here to be honest… I’ll admit to being terrified about being a dad.”

“Me too.” Kendra said a second later, and Seth felt his jaw dropping to the floor, looking over to Lyor he saw the same shock and confusion echoed back in the political director’s expression too. Seth had known she had worries, but he hadn’t thought that it would be anything that she’d admit to.

“You?” Lyor managed to regain control of his voice first, but he said pretty much exactly what Seth was thinking to. There was nobody on the planet who was more destined to be a mother than Kendra Daynes. “You’re the most maternal person most people have ever or will ever meet, how are you terrified?”

“Because being maternal to other people’s kids is different than having your own.” She said quietly, and before she started the next sentence Seth knew where her mind was going. The one thing that the three of them had in common was a really terrible biological parent. “I’ve always worried that I won’t be able to do it. I mean… what if I’m like my biological father?” It was a question he could understand, but he also knew that that wasn’t who Kendra was. 

“Ken… you already want the baby, and Seth and I… we’re not going anywhere.” Lyor once again managed to speak first, and Seth wondered how much he knew about Kendra’s family history. No matter how much it was in the past it was painful, but Lyor just rolled with it and spoke a little more quietly. “I… don’t talk about my family much, my dad died when I was young and my mother was always distant… but it means I know how to be better for our child.”

“Though, no matter what anyone says. Four is the limit, Ken.” His mind flashed back to yesterday and Aaron’s determination that they’d have fifteen before they were done. Seth might go along with Kendra wanting a big family, but he didn’t think that he would be able to handle more than four without losing his mind.

“I think I’d be happy with four.” She smiled a little then kissed them both in turn before standing up and brushing herself off. It was unnecessary but Seth knew it was a habit she picked up in court that had carried over into her everyday life.  “How about I go and get dessert and you two talk about potential fatherhood?”

They both watched as she got up and walked off. Neither had a choice in whether she was getting them dessert, but Seth decided not to argue with it. He was just enjoying sitting there, knowing that something had come out of all of this, when Lyor sat forward to speak. “You didn’t actually speak much.” 

“She doesn’t need to hear what I’d say, she already knows.” Seth smiled, looking over his shoulder to where Kendra was busying herself getting dessert out and thinking about whatever it was that had her singing and dancing in the room. “She’ll get there with you eventually too. It might take a bit longer but she’ll know.”

“You really want to have children with her, don’t you?” Lyor asked with a smile on his face. Seth knew that sometimes he was really obvious in his feelings for the two people in this apartment and he couldn’t really help that. He’d always been a sentimental person, it was just easier with them. He couldn’t imagine anything better than them having their own family.

“With you both.” He nodded, because Lyor was just as important. “Ken and I said we didn’t know if we’d go through with it without you. Not yet, anyway.” Seth had said they wait for a year or two, let the administration settle further. It would have been more difficult if it was just the two of them. That wasn’t something he had to worry about though. “You’re part of this, and we can’t let you go.” Seth nodded but knew that he needed to explain his fears. “But my thing is similar to yours. I don’t remember my biological parents, I was only 5, Michael was a baby… but I know we wouldn’t have been taken if it wasn’t something serious.” He shook it off and looked up again to see Kendra coming back over and knew that everything would be okay. “But we have her to keep us straight, and she’s amazing.” He knew that Kendra could make it through almost anything that was thrown at her. So he knew that he didn’t have to worry.

* * *

 

***Tom***

Sundays were often more quiet than the rest of the work, though it wasn’t always going to be the kind of thing that he could expect. He just didn’t want to think about how difficult it would have been if it had ended up being a busy day. Emily was the only member of senior staff who was here all day, at least, she was meant to have been. “I saw Seth was here earlier.” He commented as they went through plans. Everyone had been off, but Seth had come in anyway and he wondered if Emily knew why.

“Yeah he wanted to make sure that everything was set up for the week.” Emily was a fountain of knowledge, even when it seemed like she was being a little frozen out she still managed to know everything. “I think he and Kendra are fighting, they’ve not been as close the last few days.” She really did know a bit of everything.

“I’m sure they’ll work it out. There are always a few bumps when you first move in together.” Tom could only imagine how much butting heads must happen if you both lived together and worked together. He and Alex had spent most of their time together but there had always been a separation of roles that they had needed at times. Sometimes that was necessary too.

“Did you and Alex have trouble?” Emily asked quietly. Tom thought back to when they’d moved in together, into his tiny apartment above an old garage so everything always smelt of motor oil. They hadn’t lived there long enough but it was still fond in his memories. They had needed to figure out who they were as a couple while knowing that Leo was coming along.

“Well, we moved in together while she was pregnant with Leo, so there was an extra level of stress.” He couldn’t imagine how it would have gone if that hadn’t been a factor, but it had been and he hadn’t needed to think too much about anything other than keeping her happy and comfortable. “It doesn’t last long. Within a month or so you get used to having someone else there.” The fact it was a Sunday actually gave an easier idea he’d never thought of. “Kendra and her mother are both Catholic though, he probably came in while Kendra was at church.”

“I didn’t know that.” Emily said quietly and Tom had to wonder if she was out of touch or if it was just that Kendra was extremely good at compartmentalising her life. Nobody knew anything about her if she didn’t want them to. In fact, Tom felt a little uncomfortable knowing what he knew some of the time. Judith had let it slip, and tom was going to continue pretending he didn’t know.

“I didn’t either until I started speaking to her mother. I think of all of us, Kendra is the one who has kept her private life the most private.” He would admit that mostly he knew because of Judith. It wouldn’t be that hard to work it out when someone actually looked into it though. Not that tom would want for them to do that.

Emily just nodded a little and let it go. “She does seem uniquely able to do that, but I guess we don’t really have a lot of time to worry about other people.” That was something about this job that Tom hadn’t expected. He couldn’t know or care about anything, really. He needed to focus on the big picture and he wasn’t always the best for that.

“Simultaneously we worry about everyone and no-one.” He commented quietly and checking the time he decided that it was going to be easier to just tell Emily that she should go home. If anything happened she’d be called back in and then she could decide.  “Go home, Emily. I’ll see you before we leave in the morning.”

“Yes, sir.” She didn’t argue, and Tom watched as she left with a few final pleasantries. He was almost grateful to be all on his own again when she was out and he could focus on the report he was finishing and then on heading back up to the residence and thinking about what he and Penny were going to need for the next week.

Penny was sat there in the living room playing a card game with Shannon, her agent, when Tom walked in. He thought that the one-on-one protection that Shannon presented was a much better idea than having a full team of agents on his ten year old. “Hello there, Miss Kirkman. Have you packed your back for tomorrow?”

“I went through it and made sure she’d have what she needs.” Shannon smiled and stroked Penny’s head fondly. That was really above and beyond, but he was thankful that someone was here to help him like that. In truth, he didn’t have a clue what either of them was going to need, let alone both of them.

“Thanks, Shannon.” It would be a deserved week off for her, since Penny would be in the middle of his defence perimeter and would not be able to get away from that. She was going to be somewhere safe and Tom was glad that he would be able to give her at least something about this that was normal for a child, a vacation in a cabin. Not completely normal, but more normal than most of her experiences. “So, what board games shall we take?”

“All of them!” Penny chirped happily, pulling them all into her arms and smiling widely. Clearly she already had game nights planned in her thoughts and Tom thought that that was adorable. “We can get Seth and Kendra to play with us.” They could ask, but Tom wasn’t going to force them. No matter what, they deserved to have some time where they weren’t just his senior advisors. 

“We can ask them, I’m sure.” He bent down and kissed the top of her head before motioning into the living room where the big TV was, the one that she enjoyed to spend her time in when she had some. “Go on and watch TV, I want to talk to your brother.” There was no guarantee he’d see Leo in the morning, so talking to him now was a good idea. As he had a few nights earlier he walked down to the bedroom and knocked on the door before stepping in. “Hey rock star.”

“Alright, for the first time in my life I’ll let you use that as an endearment.” Leo laughed, and Tom had to admit that his son had never been one for the silly nicknames in their family. If Tom had found one that Leo wouldn’t complain that much about then he was going to use it forever.

“You ready for the next few days?” He needed to make sure that Leo was ready for everything, and that he knew the procedures that he should follow. It would be a great test for when he was living in his dorm and not coming home to the White House every night. 

“Yeah. I’m looking forward to being able to blast music through this place.” Leo teased, motioning to the walls around them. Tom had absolutely no doubt that his son was going to cause severe damage to his hearing, but there was no point pointing that out. Leo already knew, he just didn’t care.

“Emily will still be here, don’t forget that.” Tom reminded him quietly, and there was a sudden burst of gratitude that Emily would be here. Then Tom went back to being serious for a few minutes. He needed Leo to understand that it didn’t mean they should go without speaking. “You know that I’ll be at the other end of the phone day and night. All you need to do is call.”

“I know dad.” Leo chewed on his lip a little thoughtfully, it was a gesture that he’d inherited from Alex and with a stab of pain Tom had to move past that sudden painful reminder of his wife and focus instead on their son. “If I change my mind in a few days… can I get the Secret Service to bring me up?”

“Absolutely.” Tom agreed without even having to think about it. He didn’t think for a moment that Leo would actually end up joining up with them, but he deserved that peace of mind that he could come any time that he wanted to. “I’ll miss you, Leo.” He smiled and reached out to squeeze his shoulder.

“I’ll miss you too, dad.” He admitted and Tom had to smile. It seemed nice that Leo would actually admit to missing his family. Tom didn’t think that that would have happened if it wasn’t for the situation that they found themselves in. But if he decided that he needed to come there was no way Tom would stop him. It would have been nice to have them all together.


	30. Day Twenty Eight

**_January 22nd 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

If Kendra ever doubted exactly how much of a drama queen Lyor Boone was she would only have to remember this moment. It seemed like working out where they were all going to stand in the upcoming massive lifestyle change they were planning had pulled them all closer together. That was probably why he was being such a drama queen about the fact that she and Seth were leaving for a week. “Why’d you have to leave?” He grumbled, joining them in Seth’s office as they made the last few preparations.

“Hey, it’s not like we’re leaving forever we’ll be back in a week.” She reminded him quietly. Though she was also taking a gamble by letting him have access to her car. Only after she had checked his insurance was actually still current, and that he actually had a licence. She’d always wondered that. Her car was something she was quite protective of, so it was a risk that she was willing to threaten him over. “Though I swear to every God, Lyor, if you break my car I will murder you.”

“Are you sure you want to be lending him your car?” Seth asked, smirking as he sat behind his desk. Kendra looked over her shoulder a little and was less than impressed at how cocky he looked at the fact that she was being so threatening about letting Lyor even possibly use her car. 

“I wouldn’t lend it to you without extenuating circumstances either, Mr Wright.” She’d actually be even less likely to lend Seth her car, she’d been a passenger to his driving, it was not her favourite thing to have done. “He needs a way to get here if there is a middle of the night emergency and I’m not going to be here to drive him.” 

“I don’t expect I’ll use it on the daily.” That was something that was reassuring, as it meant that Kendra probably didn’t actually have to worry that much. What were the odds that something major would go wrong on this one week? “Just if there is an emergency, and tonight when I take it to my place.” He smiled a little then suddenly reached out and pulled Kendra into a hug. “I’m going to miss you both.”

“I’m going to miss you too.” She smiled and patted his back softly, nuzzling into his neck for a second before she pulled back and nodded to Seth. “I need to go talk to Emily, you boys hug it out.” Kendra knew that the second she stepped out that would be exactly what they would do.  She just needed to ask Emily something before they left.

There were so many better fits for this kind of a trip than her, and so she really didn’t understand why it was that she was on the trip to begin with. There was obviously something, and she felt like she deserved to know. She smiled to people through the halls as she headed through to Emily’s office then paused at the door, waiting for permission to enter. “Kendra! You ready to go?” 

“Yeah. I managed to pack for both Seth and I. The man packs like a toddler.” She didn’t need to pretend anymore, that was one upside to them officially being together and living together. Nobody could be surprised when Kendra mentioned packing for him, or when he mentioned doing her laundry. It was also something that reminded her that she probably shouldn’t be on this trip. “I do have one question though, how come I’m being sent on this trip? It’s not because of Seth, right?”

“What?” Emily paused and looked at her confused. Either at the question on the whole or at the idea it was because of Seth. She had so many reasons why she shouldn’t be going, but no good reasons why she was. So she couldn’t help but ask. Emily continued to look confused and so she knew she was going to have to actually say the most obvious things.

“Well, I’m not on speechwriting or prep and I already had my input.” She was going to leave it there because the rest were likely just her mind trying to tell her that she wasn’t as valued as she thought, and that was just silly. “Why does the President need my at Camp David?”

“It’s not a need, he just wants you there Ken.” That was not something she’d really been expecting. She thought he was still mostly avoiding her. “You just need to go and staff him, take it as a vacation.” Oh, that would be lovely. She hadn’t had a vacation in years. “Don’t worry about anything that requires court, the Secret Service will drive you back if it’s necessary.”

“But I still have to go?” Now she came to her other issue. Now that it was clear that she wasn’t going to be able to get out of going, she wanted to know if it was really necessary she travel with the President. Especially given that she knew Aaron would be joining them later in the afternoon and would be driving up there. “Can’t I drive up with Aaron?”

“Are you afraid of flying?” Emily asked, and Kendra just stared at her for a moment. She didn’t remember all that much of the flights to and from California, Seth managing to get her off to sleep for them, but she was fairly sure that Emily had witnessed exactly how much of a wreck she’d been on that flight. Kendra wasn’t merely afraid of flying, she was terrified of flying.

“I remind you of the California trip.” She mumbled and shook her head. When she looked back to Emily she caught the smirk on the other woman’s face and made the executive decision that she was going to ban smirking from her vicinity. It was never for a good reason if someone had that expression. “I hate planes and it’s even worse in a helicopter.”

“You’ll have Seth right there with you.” Clearly not understanding the issue Emily shook her head and Kendra knew that she wasn’t going to be getting out of that either. These were the only moments that she truly regretted taking this job. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t need to be worrying about these flights.

“I just want to die.” She grumbled and wondered if she looked as petulant as she felt. There was a part of her that was reminded there would be a ten-year-old on the flight who would probably be handling it better than her, but even that wasn’t enough to make her feel better about that.

“You’re still quite new here, you’ll get used to that feeling.” Was Emily’s only response, and Kendra narrowed her eyes. That was not really what you wanted to hear from your boss. No matter what day it was you didn’t really want to be thinking about the fact that people who worked in the White House routinely wanted to die.

“Thanks, Emily. Really confidence inspiring.” She didn’t know whether she meant for herself or for the public, but really it wasn’t exactly confidence inspiring for anyone. So she thought it best she leave it at that and head out to meet the rest and leave. Not that she really wanted to go. “I’ll see you next Tuesday if I survive.” She heard some sort of mumbled response that she didn’t quite catch and she decided that that was as good as a dismissal.

Kendra made a terrible choice in speaking about her terror at flying where other people could hear it, so of course, Penny heard, and Kendra had to feel even more pathetic. “I’m not scared of flying, I think it’s fun.” Of course, she did, Kendra would never understand those people. The people who legitimately enjoyed flying. “Why are you scared?”

“That’s not a conversation we need to have, come on Little Pea, you’ll see Kendra plenty when we get there.” The President was probably wise to cut that off because if Penny wasn’t afraid of flying before hearing Kendra’s rant about it she probably would be afterwards. Instead, she just waited for the others to get on and spoke much more quietly to Seth. 

“I hate this, I could have stayed here another hour and driven up with Aaron and avoided spending any time at all in this flying death tube.” She glared at the helicopter in front of her as though it had personally offended her by insulting her mother. This was not going to be fun, maybe for the trip back, she could convince someone to give her a valium.

“Sometimes I wonder why you’re with Lyor and I, when we can both be dramatic and you’re normally so put together... Then I suggest flying to you and you become more dramatic than the two of us put together.” Seth’s chuckles made her turn her glare on him for a few moments. 

“It’s a flying death tube!” She said emphatically, glad that the whirring of the blades was enough to hide her words from everyone else. Seth clearly wasn’t going to let her duck out of this either, and she just found herself getting more and more defeated by the fact she maybe needed to get used to flying. Either that or she was going to have to get a prescription for something to calm her down.

* * *

***Seth***

It probably wasn’t considered polite to be laughing about your girlfriend’s intense fear of flying but he just couldn’t help it. Even now they had landed and were not going to use it again for at least a week, unless there was an emergency, she was still cursing it and he was still finding it hilarious. They sat through the usual safety conversation and were given the details of which of the various cabins had been set out for them. As Senior Staff both he and Kendra had a cabin of their own, and Seth had to smile at the fact that they were set a little away from everyone else. “At least we’re in neighbouring cabins.”

“I think everyone in attendance knows that one of these cabins is going unused.” Kendra laughed a little, wrapping her arm around him gently. Seth was sure that everyone did know that, though the fact remained that since they weren’t married they would have to have two cabins, officially. “Which one though?” She asked, and they looked close to identical at first glance.

“Well, how about we have a look around them both and decide?” He suggested though that would require moving and in truth, Seth wasn’t sure he was ready to actually move at all. He was enjoying having his arm wrapped around Kendra too much. They may have to work, but for this moment it felt like a vacation. Finally out of DC for a few days. 

“That’s a good idea, which one of them has the bigger bed.” She smiled and nuzzled his cheek for a minute before she took a deep breath to step away. “We have a couple of hours before we’re due to start prep too.” She could recover from the flight, and he could enjoy the last few minutes of her freaking out about everything. As they stepped into the first cabin he realised that while he needed to be here he still didn’t know why Kendra had been the one brought along. 

“What are you even doing here?” It was a little more blunt than he normally would have asked, but he just couldn’t help the way it came out. If one of them had had to come out with them he would have been Lyor.

“Staffing the president. I’m being Emily and Lyor’s point of contact here.” Seth had assumed that, so it wasn’t really news, but it was something that he was glad to have confirmed. After a moment of them walking around he realised that she didn’t know any more than he did. “I’m still not sure why they sent me not Lyor but apparently the President requested me.”

“He probably isn’t sure about Lyor doing it without Emily right now, maybe?” That would have made sense to him, given that Lyor had just been promoted, that the President wanted for him to stay with Emily. Seth wasn’t really going to complain though, at least he had one of the people he loved out here. 

“Lyor’s been on the staff longer than I have,” Kendra said after barely a beat, stepping through to the next room but turning around to face him. Seth just thought back to a few months earlier when they’d both started because it seemed like it was all at once. “Granted only by a couple of weeks but it still counts.”

“Oh, you’re right.” He realised and frowned a little. Why had he thought it was the other way around? Maybe because he’d liked Kendra instantly, while Lyor had taken a little longer to get used to having around. “I have no idea then, but I’m sure we’ll find out eventually.”

“That’s a single bed.” Kendra pointed out when she finally turned around. Seth had a feeling this cabin would be, as it was the one that was meant to be his. He was pretty sure that they would be much more comfortable in Kendra’s anyway. It wouldn’t surprise him if they were a little more prepared for them to use that one, as this one was very spartan.

“Other cabin it is then.” He said quietly then pulled her a little closer, taking the opportunity of being alone and out of the gaze of others to kiss her softly. She was always so receptive to things like this when they were alone. His thoughts on the other cabin had been right, and he was thankful that they had time to settle in, though he wasn’t anywhere near as passive in it as he’d thought he would be.

Seth didn’t even think about the fact that these cabins probably weren’t all that soundproofed until after the fact, and he would have to mention that to Kendra before they came back to bed. As she got out of the bed to go shower he enjoyed the view for a second before reaching for his phone, what was it about having sex with Kendra that made him immediately want to call Lyor to check in on him? That was what he pondered while waiting on Lyor picking up. “Hey, how are things going there?”

“ _ It’s been three hours since you left. _ ”

“Yeah, but I wanted to check in.” He definitely wasn’t saying what had prompted it, though he was sure there was something that he could cover it with. He’d be trying at the very least. He froze up and thought about anything that he could speak about, and apparently, he left the silence stretching just a little too long.

“ _ Seth? _ ”

“Do you know why they sent Ken not you?” It was the first thing that came to mind, and Seth was fairly sure that Kendra would appreciate knowing what Lyor thought about it. Why they hadn’t spoken about it Seth wasn’t sure, but they had had so much to talk about recently it had just passed by. “I mean, she’s not on my staff, obviously. She wasn’t the first choice I would have gone too.”

“ _ The President wants to talk to her about something. Also, I think it’s partly for Penny too. _ ”

“Penny?” He asked, not really sure what the President’s daughter would have to do with the choice of who came to on the trip with them. Sure, she was here but she wasn’t going to have much to do with their work. Then it dawned on him and he wanted to scold himself. Penny was attached, and that would likely have ended up causing problems down the line.  “Oh, of course. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t pissed anyone off?”

“ _ No, I’m also dealing with the start of the new legislative session too. There is a lot going on here I can do that Kendra can’t. Logically this makes sense. _ ”

“At least I can tell her that.” Seth hadn’t even remembered that there was actual political work for Lyor to do now that the rest of the government was back doing their jobs. Kendra would be glad to be reminded of that too. Neither of them had that much to do with the politics right now. “I think she’s a little worried about this too.”

“ _ Where is she? _ ” 

“Making herself one with nature.” Seth lied, though it wasn’t really a lie. There was something about being out in a rustic cabin that felt like nature. Given that that was also their euphemism for the bottle of wine Kendra kept for particularly bad days he thought that it would be a good cover.

“ _ Finding where the wine is hidden? _ ”

“Basically. I’d better go, we’re due to start prep soon.” He looked at the clock realising how long Kendra had actually been in the bathroom and that they both needed to be back with the President soon before they started on the reason they were here. Seth didn’t know how they would do for this, but it was going to be worth it. 

“ _ Tell Kendra… you know. _ ”

“Yeah. Same.” That was the way they said they loved each other when they weren’t in private, and Seth was thankful that they had a way to do it at all. He then hung up and just laid back for a second, smiling as he saw Kendra coming back through to him a moment later, trying 

“Are you bugging Lyor already babe?” She asked, seeing through his attempt at nonchalance immediately. He shouldn’t have been surprised by that and yet he always was. She then looked at him a moment and frowned. “Please tell me you didn’t say I was in the shower? He would know exactly what we’ve spent the last hour doing if you did.”

“No, I didn’t. I said you were on a hunt for wine. I also didn’t tell him what we spent the last hour doing because I said I wouldn’t.” That was pretty much the only reason too. Sometimes there was still a part of him that was seventeen and couldn’t believe he was getting to have sex with the hot girl. It was just something that he would probably never grow out of. He didn’t have to brag about it now.

“Good. You should probably shower before we go to prep too.” It was phrased as a suggestion, but Seth knew better than that. If Kendra Daynes said something like that while looking at you like you were in trouble you did what she said and you didn’t ask questions. He learnt that long before they started dating and it was information that had come in handy. 

“Brilliant thinking, Miss Daynes.” He teased, then got out and kissed her cheek as he passed on the way to the bedroom. Maybe there was a lot for them to do, but if the trip continued on the way that it had started, Seth didn’t think that it would really be all that bad of a time. 

* * *

***Tom***

Tom had enjoyed the flight here, at least, he’d enjoyed listening to Kendra complain about flying, and trying to keep it quiet so that she didn’t freak Penny out as she spent the entire journey mumbling to herself, or to Seth. Landing had seemed to make her relax and Tom just smiled to himself watching as everyone got off. He already knew which of the two cabins he and Penny would be staying in, and of course, it wasn’t the one that Penny made a beeline for. “This is the cabin we stayed in with mommy.” 

“We’re staying in the other one this time though, Little Pea.” He tried to convince her to move on, he knew that there was going to be nothing good in that cabin, and yet he could tell that his daughter was drawn toward it and if she was going to go in Tom couldn’t really tell her no. This had been her home and she no doubt had an attachment to it that he didn’t understand.

“Can I see if I left Miss Driggle here though?” Penny asked quietly, already pulling him to the door so not really giving him an actual choice in the matter. He had wondered what had happened to that ragdoll that Penny had loved. She’d slept with it since she was about three, and it had just disappeared one day. “I can’t find her at home and I want to check.” 

“Sure, we’ll look.” He knew that he was already defeated so there was no fault fighting it. He couldn’t even think of a good reason to say no. He stepped in after Penny and looked around the sitting room. It was as tidy as any of the others, but there were still a few flourishes that Tom knew were Alex’s touch. 

“Mom’s blanket!” He heard the happy yelp a second later and smiled looking at Penny holding the blue check blanket up. Tom was happy that it meant something to his daughter, connected her to her mother, but the twinges of pain, anger and distress were already building up. “Can I take it, daddy?” She asked, and at first, he didn’t say anything, needing a moment to swallow his emotions.

“Alright, we can put it on your bed. Go look around for Miss Driggle.” Tom watched as Penny ran off to look around the cabin. She knew more about this place than he did, it was specifically why he’d asked the Secret Service to prepare him a different cabin, one that his family hadn’t lived in. One that hadn’t had Alex in it. Everywhere he looked in here was like a painful memory, but he could help himself walking through and wondering what they had done while they were here.

It was only when his feet led him through to the bedroom that he realised exactly how bad of an idea this had been. He looked around and saw the things that Alex had left there.  _ ‘Well, I’m sure we’ll be back there one day, so I left some rustic gear so I wouldn’t always have to take a bag’ _ . He could remember the conversation so clearly that it almost stole his breath and his thoughts away.

Of course, seeing that just stoked his anger, his distress, every emotion that he had associated with Alex’s death coursed through him and considerably soured his mood. Reaching out he ran his fingers over the cream summer dress he remembered her wearing the summer before the bombing. Sat out in their yard, working on her laptop while keeping an eye on Penny and her bike. The memory was so clear.

But it would never happen again, and it was all because of this job and everything else that he was having to go through. Sure, he would have died if he weren’t the Designated Survivor that night. But Alex would be alive, his children would still have their mother. That seemed like it would have been preferable to him right now. 

He managed to keep it together for long enough to get Penny settled in the cabin they’d actually been using, her favourite doll in her hand, and she’d been more than happy to start doing her schoolwork. By the time he knew prep was going to begin, and he needed to not let this bad mood take him over, but he doubted that that was going to be possible. He stepped out of the cabin and almost immediately saw Kendra and Seth walking over. Both, like him, in much less formal clothes than they’d left the White House in.

“Mr President, we’re in this cabin, sir,” Kendra shouted over to him, pointing to the large cabin that served both as a cafeteria and staging room when they were using it for this. Tom felt his scowl grow upon seeing the two of them, but he knew it wasn’t their fault that he hated the world right now.

“Let’s get this show on the road.” He said a few minutes later when he got down to them. He knew that Kendra was sent to staff him, so he would need to stop feeling bitter soon. It wasn’t going to be easy because seeing her, especially after looking at so many of Alex’s things, reminded him that she had survived. 

“Is everything alright, sir?” Seth asked, clearly picking up on his mood as he held the door open. There was no way that he was going to answer that question honestly, he didn’t have the time to go through everything with them and he didn’t really want to put them all through that train wreck of a mental process. 

So instead he shrugged it all off and just got on with what they were doing. He was listening to what was said, the speechwriters were doing what they were here to do, polish on the spot. Make it sound better, for him and for the people who would be listening. The look on Kendra’s face and her constant muttering to Seth and the woman on her other side told him that maybe his mood was spilling over. “Sir, if you could maybe soften your expression a little.” Gavin, one of the more senior speechwriters, said after a moment. Tom only knew his name because he was always the first to make comments. “You’re addressing Congress and the American people, not staring down a rabid dog.”

“I think that a little seriousness is needed.” He replied. Though maybe there was a difference between serious and whatever he was exuding. He looked up toward the back of the room before turning his attention back to Gavin, who seemed a little more cowed by the annoyed glare he received.

“Seriousness yes, but not anger or aggression.” The new woman, the one stood next to Kendra, spoke up. Tom knew exactly who she was and why she was here, but he didn’t want to deal with a newcomer critiquing him. Especially not today. Everything was just adding on to his mood, when all he really wanted to do was go back to the cabin and talk about Alex with his daughter.

“Who are you?” Instead, he was having to deal with all of this, and that was the last thing that he actually wanted to be doing right now. He wanted to think about anything other than what he was here to do.

“I’m Michelle Connor, sir.” She started, but Tom just waved a hand, still not ready to listen. Now he was just being rude but he really didn’t care all that much. Really all that he cared about was trying to end this as quickly as possible. Tomorrow would be better, he was sure, but he couldn’t keep doing this tonight. 

“She’s the speech coach that Lyor brought in.” Seth supplied, and Tom turned his glare on Seth who immediately stepped back again. The silence in the room was heavy and there was nothing that he was going to try and do to lighten it. He liked that they were uncomfortable. Everyone other than Kendra, who just seemed to be mildly annoyed.

“How about we take a thirty-minute break, then we’ll do another hour before dinner.” Kendra stepped up and said, clearly realising that nothing was going to happen with him in this mood. She and Seth were the only ones who stayed, though that maybe wasn’t the best plan. He wanted to be alone. “Sir, maybe you’d like to take a drink or sit quietly.” She came to him and spoke quietly, placating him a little, it didn’t work. “I don’t know what put you in this mood, but we need to work.”

“Call it off for tonight.” They would be stopping at dinner anyway. The speechwriters would then do whatever they’d be doing, while Kendra and Seth would great Aaron and have a small staff briefing with Mike. Tom didn’t need to be present for any of it. “We’ll come back to it in the morning.” He saw that his Press Secretary was about to argue, and Tom wasn’t in the mood for explaining all of it to him. He needed them to stop for now. “That’s an order, Seth.”


	31. Day Twenty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK. This chapter is heavy af and you should know that going in. Brace yourselves.

**_January 23rd 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

Morning staff was stressful for every department head in the White House, but she didn’t have a staff this large and she’d never had to arrange it for this many people. Yet here she was, having handed out the schedule that had been printed for her the night before by the staff assistants who had driven up in convoy with Aaron and the speechwriters. Apparently the fact it was 8 am and she was on her first cup of coffee was lost on them, though, as they still asked stupid questions. “How’s his mood this morning?”

“You got me.” She replied, knowing exactly what they were talking about. The President’s mood the night before had been gossip all night, she knew that, but that didn’t mean that she had any idea of his mood this morning. She’d put off going waking him with Wyatt as long as she could. “I woke up and I came here. I haven’t spoken to the President yet Gavin, but I’ll be sure to tell you when I have.” It was a sarcastic answer but she couldn’t help herself. She wasn’t going to be talking about the private business of the President unless she absolutely had to. “You have some Staff time with Seth in half an hour while I will be having breakfast and going over the days’ schedule with the President.”

“How are you finding doing the Chief of Staff job, Ken?” Another question that had nothing to do with what she was here to do, but Kendra was sure that they would all move on soon if she kept giving the sarcastic answers that seemed to come so readily to her when she was around people like this.

“I’m fighting the urge to murder you all already.” She muttered and was about to try moving on before she looked up and saw everyone looking at her eagerly so she just smiled and shrugged, thinking about what else she could say. “Let’s just say that Lyor and Emily can keep their jobs.” They really could, she didn’t care for this job, and it was proof to her that it was never going to be her forte. 

“I’ve said that ever since I took the NSA job.” A voice from the door said, and that distracted her attention. She didn’t realise that anyone had even opened the door, yet come far enough in too have been able to hear what she’d been saying about the chief of staff and her deputy.

“Aaron Shore, ladies and gents. He’ll be here all week. Please don’t forget to tip your wait staff.” She got up seeing that it was clear that he was needing her for something that was not yet for mass consumption. Kendra understood that and so she continued the comedy club metaphor as she walked out. “We’ll be back in five minutes with our next comic. What’s up?” 

“I think we have a situation brewing.” That was never something good to hear out of the mouth of the National Security Advisor, but Kendra didn’t understand why that was necessary for her to know. That’s why Aaron was here - so that she wasn’t going to be the one trying to brief the President on something she barely understood.

“I’m not national security?” She asked, mildly concerned that Aaron had briefly forgotten that since he was usually in this kind of a situation with Emily, who was very involved in national security. Kendra’s involvement in it up until this point had mostly been being the thorn in Aaron’s paw as she worked to keep the government honest. 

Aaron, however, shook his head and frowned, and for some reason that worried her more than she already had been. “No, but this isn’t about national security and you’re essentially the President’s wrangler for this trip.” That was an interesting title, but it also wasn’t wrong so she couldn’t argue it.

“What did he do?” She asked, already resigned that whatever it was was probably going to eat up her entire morning. Not that she minded that much given that she found the speech fairly mind-numbingly boring to listen too. So she would hopefully be able to fix this while the speechwriters did what they were good at.

“I would guess the answer to that is a bottle of whiskey.” Kendra tilted her head a moment as she tossed that around in her mind. It took her a second longer than she wanted to admit to work out that Aaron meant that the President was drunk. When the look of dawning realisation clearly came upon her Aaron continued. “Seth and the tutor took Penny to the kitchen for pancakes, she hasn’t seen him.” That was a good idea because she didn’t need to see that. 

“I’ll be right there.” She said quietly then paused and looked at Aaron just mildly annoyed about one part of this. “Where the hell did he get a bottle of whiskey?” There was a mild hint of annoyance in her thought process, she’d admit because that whiskey could have been hers and used for a much more entertaining reason. “Actually, don’t answer that it doesn’t matter.” 

“You have an hour to wake the President before he’s due in with the speechwriters.” Aaron reminded her, as if she actually needed pressure adding to how she was feeling right now. She actually didn’t, she needed to be reminded that she could do this job and that Tom Kirkman was not that much of a tough customer. Though she’d never seen him drunk.

“Can you go to the kitchens and ask for a fried breakfast. And I need a gallon of coffee.” That wasn’t even an exaggeration. If she couldn’t get the President to drink it she was going to need it herself to get through what was likely to be a very bad morning. “Michelle, just who I needed to be my back-up.” 

“What?” There was a hint of well-hidden suspicion there, and Kendra wasn’t surprised. She’d pretty much felt the same way on her first day on staff. It felt like they were always going to be trying to catch you out and that made you suspicious. It passed within the first week, but it didn’t stop it being there at first.

“You signed a confidentiality agreement, right?” Alright, her questions weren’t going to help lessen Michelle’s suspicion but Kendra needed to make sure that this wasn’t going to leak. Everyone else on the base currently had far more secrets they were keeping, and none of them would be seeing the President until she’d sobered him up.

“Of course.” She confirmed, and Kendra just felt a little relieved there would be another woman in the room with her. She wouldn’t have minded it just being Mike. But she wanted to see if it was less threatening if it was just her and Michelle. But that wasn’t going to stop her also putting the fear of God in her too.

“Good, because if this leaks I’ll be making your life hell.” Kendra was very good at her job, and sometimes that included intimidating people into doing exactly what she wanted them to do. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked. She stopped outside the President’s cabin and looked up to her friend. “He still in there Mike?”

“I don’t think he could leave if he wanted to, Ken.” Mike gave her a wry smile and that made her think that, just possibly, this would be a level of drunk even beyond Judith Daynes’ sure-fire hangover cure. Kendra had relied on that enough in college to know it worked, but not at a certain level.

“That’s not good.” She replied, then stepped in when Mike opened the door to let her and Michelle in. She made it through the cabin quietly, knowing where the President was from the smell of alcohol and sweat that seemed to be stronger one side of the building than the other. “Sir. Come on, it’s time to get up.” She started gently, standing in the doorway, getting closer as she spoke. When he didn’t even move she took a breath, channelled her mother and barked. “Tom!”

“What, I’m up.” He jolted upright, and Kendra was glad to know that that particular mom move seemed to work on everyone. “Oh Kendra, it’s you. Maybe you should join me here.” Kendra was going to ignore that. From the smell of the room, the blurred eyes and the slurred rooms they had a President that would still be over the drink-drive limit on Friday. 

“I think you’d need a shower, to be 10 years younger and to not be married.” She said quietly, the only response to the very clumsy, drunk come-on that he’d attempted. She instead knelt beside the bed to try and coax him out of bed. “It smells like a brewery in here.” It wasn’t working, and she was likely to need more back up, so she jumped back to where Michelle stood and frowned.

“Is he often like this?” The younger woman asked, and Kendra just shook her head. That was always the first question and Kendra thought that by now if the President was regularly legless someone would have done something to stop him, or at least help him stop himself.

“Never as long as I’ve known him.” She would admit that she hadn’t even been on staff for six months, so she couldn’t really say all that much about the President, but given everything that other people had told her this wasn’t something that he usually did. “Which admittedly isn’t even six months so I don’t know, from what everyone has said.”

“You’re the new girl that Lyor brought in.” Another slurred comment coming from the walking drip-tray on the bed, and Kendra was already ready to wince before he even said what his drunk mind was thinking. “You’re very pretty.” He mumbled and Kendra stepped in front of Michelle and decided that maybe she’d be better off with the boys after all. 

“Michelle… maybe you should get Mike to come in and go find Wyatt.” She wasn’t going to leave Michelle in this situation. She could go and help Seth and they could do something. She didn’t know what. Seth would be with Penny Kirkman as long as he could be anyway, so that was something that she didn’t need to worry about. She just needed to think of how she was going to cope with all of this instead. 

* * *

***Seth***

Walking into the President’s bedroom to find him paralytic and drunk on the bed, clearly in no position to do anything, had not been how Seth had intended to start the day. He and Kendra were using the time without Lyor to their advantage, but this morning they had both clearly been missing the last piece of their triad, so they’d just gotten up and decided to get on with the day. That was how he’d ended up here with Penny Kirkman sitting at the staff dinner table waiting for breakfast. “Where’s my dad?”

“He’s still in bed. When Aaron and I went to wake him up he was sick so Kendra is there making sure that he’s okay to work today.” Sick was a better explanation than  _ drunk _ so Seth was willing to go with that. He didn’t think that anyone would contradict him, and hardly anyone would know what was wrong with the President anyway.

“If he’s not okay will I still be able to come with you and everyone.” Seth was always a little amazed by Penny. She was such a happy, social child who wanted to be around other people all the time. More than that, she didn’t mind telling people that she liked to be around others. “I don’t like being on my own and that’s how it feels sometimes.”

“Sure. You got your schoolwork to do?” If she was doing schoolwork, or even if she participated, Seth didn’t think that exposing Penny to all of this was a bad thing, she deserved to know how their government worked just the same as any citizen did. Penny just had a more up-close experience than was average.

“I’ll bring it with me.” She nodded and smiled. Seth knew her tutor was nearby, but she was probably trying to get her mind over the fact that they had found the President black-out drunk this morning. “When can I go get it?” Penny asked, and Seth thought that instead of letting her back in the cabin before he knew the President was sober he would use the Secret Service to his advantage.

“If you know where it is we’ll have Agent Limo get it.” The young agent stood a little way away nodded then came and knelt beside Penny, ready to listen to her saying where it was. Seth wondered if Penny suspected anything at all, but given that she trusted him and Kendra with anything he doubted it. 

“It’s on my bedside table, under Miss Driggles.” Seth hoped that the agent had any idea who or what Miss Driggles was. Seth decided that he didn’t want to know. As soon as Penny turned her attention back to him she scowled. “It’s math and English. I don’t like math.”

“I never liked math either. But I liked doing English.” Given his position now that was probably not something that he’d need to tell anyone. Press Secretary and speechwriter, that was helpful and English had been all but mandatory for both. “Alright miss Pea, what do you want on your pancakes?” He asked, deciding to get her eating and assuming that the others would come get him when he was needed.

It was almost two hours later before there were any signs of movement. He brought Penny along with him to staff and he watched as his speechwriters did what they could, each trying out different ways of phrasing key lines. They really needed the President for all of this though and given what he saw this morning that may not be happening today. “Seth.” He heard called from the door and looked up to see Kendra motioning him out the door.

“Penny, you’ll be good doing your work there, right?” He checked, and she just gave him a thumbs up. Seth didn’t know when they’d all become responsible for her, but since her tutor was taking a break Seth didn’t mind. There were thirty adults in the room too, so it wasn’t as though she was unsupervised. 

“I left him showering with Wyatt and Mike watching him,” Kendra said as soon as the door was closed, both of them stepping further away so that nobody would be able to overhear them, even if they tried. It was a sound reason, but one that Seth was wary about drawing attention to the problem. “It was a challenge to do even that.”

“How is he?” He asked, no matter what he was going to be worried about his President. Seth had the experience of already living through losing one man that he respected, he didn’t want to see Tom Kirkman go in a direction that none of them could save him from. 

“Not good. I don’t know how much he drank but he’s really not himself.” Kendra looked off in the direction of the President’s cabin. He didn’t want to think about what he could have done to have Kendra saying that given that she’d seen him at his worst in the last few weeks. “If Michelle doesn’t head back to DC today we’ve got a real trooper.”

“That bad?” He pressed while Aaron stepped up and joined them, he assumed that Kendra had seen him coming since she hadn’t stopped talking. Seth frowned a little and knew that he’d been talking to the White House, that had been the way they’d split this up. “Hey, Aaron. What did Emily say?”

“Let’s just say that I’m glad we’re not in the White House right now. Here we can hide him away.” Somehow Seth thought that that had been Aaron’s idea, likely Emily was just fuming that they had allowed the President to get wasted to this level. Probably forgetting that he was their boss, as she so often did.

“I’ll work with Mike and we’ll make up something that he has to be working on, or just that he has a virus?” She looked like she was asking for their advice but Seth was going to go with him being sick. Penny would talk anyway and he was the one going to be telling everyone anyway.

“Ken we still need someone reading this.” He hated that he needed to still be focusing on what they were here to do, but there was only so much time and it was exactly ten days before the speech. He couldn’t give away the time just because the President had gone on a bender. “Someone who sounds like the President.”

“Lacey Duggan does a great impression of the President, see if she can fill in for the day.” How the hell did Kendra know that? He wasn’t sure but Lacey would do if it was all they had. “I know it’s not perfect. Also, I think you should keep Penny away until he’s sobered up. Nobody needs to see their father like this.”

“I can do that too.” She seemed to be enjoying being around all the speechwriters anyway, and her English homework was probably going to be the best in the class, she had that many writers helping her with it. He looked up to Kendra and frowned a little, sorry that she was having to take the brunt of this. “You’re alright?”

“I’m fine. You and Aaron just keep everything running smoothly. If it gets too much I’ll tag in with you Aaron.” Despite Seth wanting to say that he’d go in and save her if she needed it he knew that it was better for Aaron to do it, for all his earlier reasons of why he needed to keep the focus on the speech. He just didn’t like that Kendra was having to be in this position.

“Sure.” Aaron agreed then checked his watch momentarily. “I should go check in with Secret Service, actually. I’ll meet you in there.” Aaron nodded to the hall then started jogging off in the direction of the security outpost that was one of the reasons they were all so safe here.

Once he was gone Seth sighed and looked at Kendra, the one thing that was on his mind that he didn’t know if Aaron knew about. Seth was actually fairly sure that he wasn’t supposed to know, but he and Kendra didn’t keep secrets from each other. “Do you think we should call his therapist?”

“I already left a message for Emily. She knows who he is. If he can’t be here I want him at least on the phone at some point in the next 24 hours.” Kendra knew that it was a lot to demand of anyone, that they drop everything at a moment’s notice and come to the middle of nowhere in Delaware to be here, but she couldn’t let this keep going.

“If you need to talk…?” Seth reminded her, stepping closer to her and nuzzling her cheek in the way he knew told her she was supported. He didn’t want her to feel like she was alone in any of this. He would be there for her while she dealt with the fallout of this, since he doubted that it was going to be good for her.

“I know. I’ll tell you tonight.” She nodded and turned her face to kiss his cheek softly. Seth kept her close for just another few moments before she pulled back then just looked at him and kept stepping backwards, ready to go back into the fray.

“I love you.” He called after her and just allowed that ball of worry to settle into the pit of his stomach, where it would be until he got back to their cabin tonight and would get to see she was fine. “Don’t let him get under your skin.” He called again, hopefully still quiet enough that nobody would question, but truthfully Seth didn’t care that much about that. All he cared about was that this didn’t go as far south as he thought that it probably was.

* * *

***Tom***

The alcohol had certainly helped him feel better last night, and he still felt better today, though given he had woken up and started drinking again that was probably why. He was sure that Kendra was just overreacting as she had made Wyatt take him to the shower and wait outside while he did. She seemed to like worrying about him or mothering him. He didn’t know which one she was doing but it was bothering him. 

Maybe this was how he had to get through this. There was no reason that he couldn’t. It made it a lot easy to forget about the fact that Alex wasn’t her, and that Leo was in DC and that he hadn’t even seen Penny this morning. That neither of his children probably even cared that they hadn’t seen him. What did any of it even matter anymore? He couldn’t make the right decisions and he couldn’t do what he was supposed to be doing. He couldn’t even keep his family safe.

Kendra was still there, this time with coffee and a plate of food. He remembered hearing her talking about her hangover cure before she’d sent him to shower. If she wanted to help there were two things she could do, but he had the feeling she wouldn’t do either of them and it would be out of line for him to demand either one. 

Getting back to the bedroom was harder than he thought, but when he got there he wanted to find the bottle he’d started, but it wasn’t there. Nothing was there anymore. There was no explanation, no apologies, she just stood there bold as brass, clearly not caring that she had disrupted his personal space. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He growled, not caring that there were people right there with her. It didn’t seem like she was afraid of him either. Tom didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

“Wyatt, Mike… can you give us the room please?” She went silent, just staring back at him, an air of gentle disappointment exuding off of her. How was she so confident when he was about ready to knock her on her ass. “What the fuck do  _ I _ think I’m doing.” She said as soon as the other two were out of the room, still staring at him, not moving or letting him do anything. “I’m not the one drunk at nine am.”

“What does it matter if I’m drunk?” He challenged. Right now how was that going to change what he was doing? This was as close to a vacation as he was going to get until the next guy took control. There were no issues of national security at risk here. “All I’m doing is reading off the paper.”

“You’re meant to be getting feedback, sir. You’re meant to be learning about how you can make it better.” Kendra was still patient, calm. Tom almost wanted to get in her face just to see if there was anything that would rattle her right now. He was about to try it when she spoke again. “Have you even looked at yourself? You’re pathetic.” Pathetic? He wasn’t pathetic. Hungover, or still drunk, maybe, but he was fine. There was nothing wrong with this. He was going to keep telling himself that, then maybe he could convince her that there was no problem. “How are you supposed to give a speech when you can barely even talk!?”

“I’ll tell them I have a cold, it’s made my voice husky.” Alright, he was grasping at straws but it wasn’t going to be something that he backed down on. He didn’t want to admit that maybe she was right, and maybe he needed something more than he currently had. The problem was that he had had it. “That’s all it is. A cold.”

“That…” Kendra froze, searching for the words that he didn’t think were going to come. He stared at her, taking small, slow steps forward as he did. One way or another this was going to end with her feeling as bad as he felt. “You know what I don’t have to do this. I didn’t sign on for this. I’m your lawyer, not your mother or your wife.”

“You’re only here because I feel too guilty to fire you.”  He spat . The truth was opposite that, really. Tom couldn’t imagine firing Kendra, and he remembered how he had regretted what he’d said that had almost made her quit but he was angry and he wanted to hurt her, he wanted to make her leave him. Leave him like everyone always did. Nobody ever stayed around him for long.

“You’re only here because you were the most inept possibility.” She snapped back, and Tom felt worse than if she’d slapped him. Nothing hurt worse than the truth, and especially when it was a truth that you didn’t want to face. Kendra was right, that was why he was here. “See, throwing insults doesn’t actually help, does it?”

“You going to quit on me again? Run away. Back to the Senate.” He couldn’t stop even though it was straight up lies. He just wanted someone else to hurt, someone else to feel even half as bad as he did, and Kendra had put herself in the firing line. Probably to protect the other people around.

“No, because I know eventually you’ll sober up and feel embarrassed about all of this.” She was back to calm and composed which made Tom angrier. “I don’t care what you say to me, but I care what you say to the rest of them out there. The speechwriters, the agents. Your  _ daughter _ . I don’t want your little girl seeing you like this.” That was the first thing that made him feel like he should be ashamed. “Everyone is here because they work for you, they are loyal to you and they love you. Be as pissed as you want at me, but you say one word to any of them and you’ll wish that I’d quit.”

“Is that a threat?” He asked, mostly taken aback that someone dared speak to him like this. The only person who had done that since he’d become president was Alex, but clearly, Kendra had realised that maybe he needed those firm, angry words sometimes to keep him in line.

“You better believe it is.” She responded, and Tom was actually surprised that that was a real threat. Not that he took it seriously. “Get your ass back in bed and I’m banning alcohol on the base. I’ve already had Mike pass it on to the secret service.” Tom narrowed his eyes but didn’t try to argue. “To everyone else you’re sick, tomorrow you’ll be sober and you can apologise, or not I don’t care.”

She didn’t waste any time, and a second later she was out the door, Wyatt stepped in and started dithering, but Tom was just staring off after Kendra. She had been right about everything, of course, and he was already regretting what he said. At the same time though, he couldn’t bring himself to care that much either. It was just more confirmation that it didn’t matter anyway, did it?


	32. Day Thirty-two

**_January 24th 2018_ **

* * *

 

***Kendra***

There was no way that she was going to get up if she didn’t need to. At least that had been the idea when she’d heard the alarm that morning. She’d reached over and silenced it then pulled the cover back up over her and pretended that she was still asleep. The night had been long, and all she’d been doing was cuddling Seth and refusing to move. She didn’t want to relive what had happened, but she couldn’t help it. Straight after the alarm she felt Seth get out of bed and after about ten minutes she felt him get back in and wrap himself around her. “Babe, you need to get up.”

“I don’t wanna.” She mumbled, still refusing to get up, move or do anything that was expected of her this morning. She knew that she’d have to do it, that she’d made a plan for today already, but that wasn’t meaning that she accepted that she had no other choice. No, Kendra was going to pretend she could stay in bed all morning.

“I know. Are you with the President today?” Seth asked, still kissing along her shoulder in the way that was absolutely not going to convince her to get out of bed. The President was the absolute last person that she wanted to see. She knew that it was the alcohol and that he hadn’t really meant what he said but some part of him believed it and that was the thing that hurt. 

“No. Aaron’s doing it. After yesterday I think it’s probably best that he and I don’t be alone together.” Maybe tomorrow she’d be alright being around him. There was something else that she could do today and it was going to be much more help there than with the speechwriters really. “Penny’s tutor had to go back to DC so I’m going to be with her today.”

“She was fine with the speechwriters yesterday.” Seth replied, and Kendra wasn’t sure what he was trying to argue there. That Penny would be fine again with the speechwriters or that she should work with the President. Or maybe he just didn’t see why she wouldn’t be fine with them again. 

Kendra was sure that Seth would be slightly more put off by the topics. Though he was well versed in both, teaching them to a child was not really his forte and Kendra couldn’t imagine him enjoying answering those questions when he would have his actual job to do today. “Today’s classes are history and government, which while you know a lot about them are not the things you’re best talking about to children.” 

“Alright you have a point, you do them.” He replied, kissing her shoulders and neck again. All in all this was just making her want to stay in bed, though she would prefer it if he was staying in bed with her. “It still requires you getting up.” Seth muttered quietly after another few seconds, but he wasn’t helping her make the move to leave the warmth of bed.

“You kissing my neck like that is not going to convince me to get up.” Kendra finally replied with a smirk, pulling the blanket further up against her cheek and making it clear that she wanted to settle in again. After a few moments Seth pulled back and Kendra couldn’t help but pout softly. “That didn’t mean you should stop.”

“Kendra Elise Daynes you need to get up.” That made Kendra drop the blanket and sit up, she hadn’t heard Seth use her middle name before, and she didn’t actually remember telling him, which made her think that that probably her mother was the one who had told him how best to get a reaction out of her.

“Did my mother tell you to use my full name?” She had to know, not that it would really matter but it would help her be able to counter it. As long as she could remember hearing her middle name had meant that she was in trouble for something. It was a gut reaction and she needed to try and deal with that.

“It works.” Seth smirked, kissing her once more before sliding out of the bed and grabbing his pants off of the floor. “I’m going to go and do staff then start working with everyone. Shall I get the kitchen to send some breakfast over?” That would be nice, and it would reduce the chance that she would run into the President. She was not ready to see him today. She wasn’t sure they would, but it was worth a shot.

“If they will. Waffles and coffee. With syrup.” That seemed like a good high-sugar breakfast. Enough that would keep her levels up long enough to spend the entire day with Penny. Seth’s agreement was quick, and as she watched him head out she already hated being alone and it wasn’t as though she could bother him again. Checking the clock she knew she had an hour before Penny would be here, so she had time to take her mind off everything. Wanting to talk to someone she pulled her phone out and hit the second number in her speed-dial, and as soon as he answer she said what she needed. “Lyor can you just… talk to me about something.”

“What’s up Ken?” He asked, and even over the phone Kendra could hear the worry in his voice. It probably wasn’t all that surprising. She tended to go to Seth when she needed emotional support, Lyor was who she went to for the practical help. Today she just wanted to listen to him, something else to focus on so her mind didn’t slide back to the discussion the night before.

“I just want to listen to you talk for a bit.” She explained, not wanting to go into why. By this point she was sure he had learnt from Emily, or Seth, what had happened the day before, but she wasn’t ready to repeat it again. Telling Seth and Aaron had been hard enough. “Tell me what you’re working on.”

“Well, there is this bill the Democrats are looking for sponsors on…” Lyor started, and almost immediately he was describing what his day was going to be about in extreme detail. All through getting dressed Kendra just listened, occasionally asking questions. When he talked himself to silence he spluttered a little then mumbled one question in return. “Is that what you wanted?”

“It was. I just miss you right now.” Three months ago, when they had started this, Kendra had been a little sceptical that she’d ever be as dependent on Lyor as Seth for her happiness. As far as she’d been concerned then it was going to be an interesting experiment, but now he was as much a part of her heart as Seth was, and it was unexpected. For her at least, Seth had always seemed confident of it.

“I miss you too Ken, both of you.” Lyor said, and Kendra couldn’t picture that it was that easy being without both of them. Not that Lyor would let that interfere with anything. “It’s not the same around here without the two of you.” She snickered and nodded, surprised when she went out to the lounge to find her breakfast there, clearly only just having been brought over. 

While she was sure that she and Seth were big absences, she had to imagine that the others who were here that Lyor worked with almost every day was probably having an impact. “And the President and Aaron?” She teased, unable to hold it back once she’d thought about it. Though while she missed Lyor she was finding that she didn’t really miss having Emily around at all. 

“They don’t have to be here for it to feel like home for me.” Lyor replied, and the honest simplicity of that statement stopped her heart for a second, and she couldn’t really remember anyone saying anything quite so sweet, and it meant an awful lot.

“I think that’s the nicest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.” Kendra smiled, feeling herself choking up a little. She knew that they both needed to get to work, but she was glad that she’d called him, and she hoped that the good mood now carried her through the day. “I’m sure we’ll call you tonight when we’re together but I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“I’m glad Ken. Call me whenever.” She missed him even more in that second of ending the call that she was almost ready to go and possibly run into the President, but she quickly changed her mind. She wasn’t actually ready, not today. Though they would need to have a conversation soon, but Kendra was going to think about that later. Today she only had one concern.

* * *

 

***Seth***

The cafeteria was raucous this morning, and Seth was a little glad that Kendra was staying in the cabin. Given how she’d clung to him all night, a sign of her PTSD that he’d become accustomed too, she wouldn’t have been able to cope with it in here right now. After he spoke about sending some breakfast over to her he grabbed the plate of his breakfast and took it over to where Aaron was sat alone. “Did you convince Kendra to come out of the cabin today?” The NSA asked as Seth took the seat beside him.

“She’s going to be doing lessons with Penny, but I think she’ll join us for dinner when we’re all finished up.” Seth hoped that she would anyway. Senior staff was small still when they were in the White House, it seemed even smaller here. “She was a mess last night, Aaron.” Seth confided, needing to talk about it to someone. “I don’t know exactly what he said to her but it couldn’t have been good.” 

“He was still raving when I got there, but he didn’t seem to know what he was ranting about.” Aaron nodded, and Seth was still grateful that his friend had been there to save Ken from whatever it was that they’d fought over. “I checked on him before I came over here. Kendra’s alcohol ban worked, he’s sober this morning but grumpy.”

“I can deal with grumpy. I ride to work with Lyor every morning.” He was very careful about how he phrased it, but Lyor was not the best person to be around most mornings if he hadn’t gotten the exact right amount of sleep, and he seemed to need it down to a half an hour either way.

“What’s even going on there? I hardly ever see you and Kendra without him these days.” Aaron commented, and Seth internally winced, making a mental note to bring it up with the other two when they were back in DC. At least there were good reasons for them to be around each other so much most of the time.

“He lives near us, it’s easier for her to drive us both in.” That was actually true too, Kendra was going to drive in anyway. She needed her car in case she was needed to go to court and Seth liked travelling in with them both. It was a little longer they could be together. “It’s given me the ability to deal with morning grumps very well though. Not that Kendra is sunshine in a morning either.” 

“Well, stock up on breakfast since we’ll probably need to work through lunch.” Aaron said, and that reminded Seth that they were behind with where he’d wanted to be. He had wanted to have the messaged locked by now. They didn’t have that. They barely had anything. “Michelle seems to have fit in with the speechwriters.” Aaron then commented, nodding to where she was sat chatting. 

“Yeah. I’m going to recommend to whoever gets the Communications Director slot that they bring her on full time.” There was still a part of him that was sad when he said that but at the same time he wasn’t anymore. There was more to life than this, and that was something he’d needed to be reminded of.

Aaron, of course, knew how hard he had taken it. He’d also known how bitter Seth was at first. “You still sore about that?” In some ways he still felt he was being replaced, or being told he wasn’t good enough to be communications director, but he was trying to shout down those intrusive thoughts and see the bright side.

“Actually… no.” He could say it honestly, which he hadn’t thought about until the last few days. It was spending so much time alone with Kendra that had made him see the positives. “I realised that in the Press Secretary role I’ll have more time home with Kendra.” They had plans, plans that would be better if he was home when he wasn’t urgently needed. “Until her I never thought I’d have a reason to want to be home more, now I have one it doesn’t feel so bad.”

“How long have you two been together now?” Aaron asked, and Seth knew that people were always going to do it. They had moved quickly, but Seth had always thought that that was what happened when you knew where your future was going to be. Since the day he’d met Kendra he’d known she was going to be important in life, so far he was being proven right.

“Three months. Things are moving quickly, but it works for us.” There was that flat look that people gave him when he said that to them. Sure, he and Kendra had dived into this quickly, but for them it was working well. “Don’t give me that look. It’s what happens when you find that person.” He couldn’t help but grin, and then he heard the scraping of the benches as everyone noticed at once that the President had walked in the room. “Good morning, sir.” Seth said, smiling as the rest of the staff were waved down, and he sat down beside Aaron and Seth, immediately starting to talk about the timetable for the day.

The speech was not the easiest thing to break down unless you heard it a few times. Seth was glad that it was running at almost exactly an hour without the breaks that would add up to around ten minutes. When the third run through ended, the calamity of opinions started and he had to move up beside the podium and yell. “Alright, alright. One at a time.”

“Sir, we haven’t yet added applause breaks so we need you to figure out where you’re going to take breath breaks so we can work around them.” Lacey was the one to mention that, and Seth was unsurprised about that. She did do a good impression of the President, but he paused for breath in different places to where she had. So it had helped to a point, but they were only now seeing it.

“It’s an interesting world when we can schedule the applause breaks.” The President commented, and at first Seth thought that he was being harsh, then wondered if he was just making an awkward joke. Not wanting to ask though he just looked at what the President was looking at. “We vetted all these guests, right?”

“Yes, sir.” Seth nodded, he then decided that it was probably going to be a lot easier if he explained about breath breaks. They hadn’t been something that they’d had to be conscious of before. “We wanted you to know where your breath breaks were going to be before we started playing with it ourselves.”

“Thank you, that’s very thoughtful.” That was sarcasm and Seth pulled his face a little. That was when Aaron clearly decided that it was time he step in, and when Seth looked at the clock he realised that it was after two in the afternoon, and they had started quite early. A lot of progress had been made too.

“We’ve been at this for five hours now. Let’s all take a break for food and coffee, but we had some good work today.” Aaron said, stepping up into the corridor between the two sets of seats for the speechwriters. Michelle following him a second later. When they were all stood with the President, everyone else getting ready to stretch their legs, Aaron spoke again, and they were some of the best words that he could have imagined. “We might actually get this done.”

* * *

 

***Tom***

Tom wasn’t going to pretend that he’d enjoyed having every aspect of his speech performance scored, but he knew it was important and this was how they were going to make sure his address was a success. After almost 9 hours he was glad when Seth finally called a stop to it for today, especially as it gave him a window to ask something that he needed to know. “How is Kendra?”

“She’s fine, sir.” It was a cagey answer, one that made Tom think maybe Seth wasn’t being entirely truthful, but at the same time that was a relationship that Tom wasn’t privy too and it would be unfair to expect Seth to talk about something private. No matter how much he wanted to know. He was also guilty, more guilty than he would have imagined being, and she deserved an apology from him. 

“I was harsh with her yesterday. What I remember of it, anyway.” Tom had never been much of a drinker. He’d never liked the idea of burying his problems in a haze that often left people with regrets, but he’d needed something. That wasn’t an excuse, but it was his reasoning behind what had started as a way to cope.

“Yes, sir. She told me.” Seth nodded, and he clearly was wrestling with himself for what else to say. There was a lot, he knew, and if he’d been in Seth’s shoes he doubted he would be so polite. But that was part of who Seth was and watching him battle his own conscience was something Tom didn’t want to have to do. He was about to just hold a hand up and forget this conversation when Seth found his words. “If it helps, she doesn’t hold it against you. She knows that it was the alcohol.”

“But she’s still hurt?” It did help, a little. At least it meant there was hope that he could mend their working relationship. Again. He needed to stop messing things up with her. She was a superior lawyer and a loyal friend and Tom would admit that he had taken that for granted probably one too many times. He couldn’t blame her for feeling hurt. She hadn’t deserved any of it.

“She is.” Seth paused again, but continued after only a few moments. Clearly worried that what he was going to say may be over the line. “It’ll be okay if you let her come around on her own.” That seemed like sound advice no matter the situation. “She feels a little like she’s been your verbal punching bag for the last month, and it’s starting to wear her down. Ken’s strong and she’s good at putting others first. Today though she’s wounded and needs to reflect.”

“What’s she doing?” Tom hadn’t really asked, he’d noticed she wasn’t in the room but he hadn’t wanted to pry particularly. He’d hoped that he could ask Seth, or that he would have seen her eventually and they could have talked, but it didn’t seem like that was the way it was going to go for him today. At least he would know.

“She’s spending the day with Penny.” Seth smiled and Tom knew that the couple had spent a lot of time with Penny over the last few weeks, it had always helped improve Penny’s mood. Tom was actually fairly sure that those days were part of the reason that Penny was coping as well as she was at all.

“That will make Penny happy.” Tom decided would be the most appropriate thing to say. He wasn’t going to push past that, but he did want Kendra to know that he was ready to talk when she let him. “Tell her that I want to talk to her when she’s ready. She and I need a discussion, I think.”

“I think you do too, sir.” Seth readily agreed causing Tom to pause for a moment. Tom wasn’t sure how to take that, but there was clearly something else on his mind. “I will also say… I think you owe the speechwriters an apology too. We’re on day three here and we still haven’t made any forward progress.”

“We’ll work on it tomorrow and we’ll get it before we go back to DC, Seth. I promise you that.” There was nothing worse than having to reassure someone when you were the one who had caused the roadblock to begin with. Tom regretted what he’d been doing, but he was glad that everyone had been able to work through it anyway.

“I never had any doubts.” The speechwriter smiled then stepped away, going to deal with someone waving paper in his direction. Tom just looked around the group, proud of the way they were all working through this despite all the roadblocks that he’d thrown in front of them. 

It was time he called it a day though. He still had a phone meeting with Emily to get through, and then his evening phone call with Leo loomed over him. It seemed like his son was enjoying having some freedom, though the comments that Leo had made made it seem like Emily was interfering a little more than he would have liked. Tonight’s phone call was no different, though given the topics that were being discussed here, Tom probably should have assumed that Leo would eventually hear what happened. “Dad, I heard you had a flame out yesterday.”

“Who told you?” There weren’t all that many people who knew all the details, but that didn’t mean there weren’t going to be rumours floating around. Leo was also just like Alex, and he would find out anything that it took his fancy to know, especially gossip coming back from Camp David.

“Nobody, but I overheard Lyor and Emily. I don’t think Lyor knows how to be quiet.” Leo laughed and Tom had to join in. Lyor did have a tendency to never alter his speaking volume when he thought they were alone, so no doubt in the residence he’d assumed he could speak freely, and the result was Lyor knew all of it. “Is Kendra speaking to you again?”

“Not right now, actually nobody but Seth or Aaron has said anything directly to me. Though some of that may be that they think I’m contagious.” That was going to be something he probably had to explain. There was a flash of shame that went through him upon realising that he’d required his staff to lie for him, something he was rarely comfortable doing. “Seth told them I was sick, not angry.”

“You know you’re allowed to not be at your best, Dad.” Leo assured him, causing Tom to swallow a ball of emotion that bubbled up his throat. The thing he hated most about this was how it had forced his son to grow up beyond his time. “Nobody is going to blame you for that.”

“I said hurtful things, things that I didn’t mean.” Tom replied quietly. He knew that Leo would understand that. They had fought enough over the years in which Leo had said the same kind of thing. Nothing ever stayed as solid and unmoving as they wanted, all they could do was hope that it would work out at the end of it all. “It will be fine in the end.”

“I’m sure.” Leo snickered and Tom would have pushed him if they’d been near each other. As it was he just sighed and shook his head a little. “Go sit out on the bridge over the little stream and speak to mom. That was her favourite spot there.” That was something that Tom hadn’t known, but he was thankful that Leo told him. “I better sleep before Emily starts trying to talk to me. Oh, dad. I’m going to come join you for the weekend.”

“I’ll see you Friday then.” Tom felt a little lighter about that too. He missed having Leo around, even if all they were doing was bickering and complaining. He let Leo go, then checked that Penny was asleep before he took Leo’s advice and headed out to the bridge he spoke about. Sitting down and dangling his feet over the edge he closed his eyes and just started speaking. “Leo said I should come out here and speak to you, that you liked this spot.” There wasn’t much he could say, but the one thing he needed to get off his chest was the one thing it was hardest to admit to. “I fucked up, Alex. I really fucked up.” He took an hour to talk, to get everything off his chest. He tried, oh how he tried, to just let go of all his negative energy. There was so much he had to let go of, and he doubted it was going to work.


	33. Day Thirty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last main chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is for four very special people.  
> For Sophie, for Anton, for Clint and for my beloved Rhiannon.  
> I miss you all more than I care to admit.

**_January 25th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

It was quite nice to be having an evening where she didn’t have anything to do. She had no briefing books, no briefs to write, no reports to read. She was actually finally getting to catch up on YouTube videos while she let Seth finish with whatever it was that he was doing. It would have been nice if they had had a free evening together, especially this evening, but it wasn’t to be. It was nice enough just being there, they didn’t have much chance with their jobs. It so happened that she was thinking about this just as Seth triumphantly dropped his pen and turned his chair around. “Well, that’s it, the speech is locked.”

“Already?” She asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. Kendra just didn’t believe that Seth would actually make a pronouncement like this with five days to go until the speech. Especially not given that a month ago the plans for it had all looked very, very different. If he was happy with it though that was better for her, maybe she could have that quiet night alone after all.

“The message is, the details we can work on right up until we’re handing it to the teleprompter guys.” Seth grinned then stepped over to her and leant over her, kissing her deeply before dropping one arm and flopping onto the sofa beside her. She wasn’t going to pretend that it wasn’t nice to see him finally looking a little bit relaxed. “We’ve got it done Ken.”

“Yeah,  _ you _ did.” She stressed, not taking credit for something that was almost wholly Seth’s job. He had worked miracles over the last month, especially given everything else that they’d had to deal with. She wasn’t going to act like she wasn’t proud of him for it. “Congratulations babe, you re-wrote the entire thing from scratch in a month.” 

“That I did. With some help.” He grinned again and kissed her a few more times softly. Kendra decided that she liked Seth when he was in this kind of mood. It was certainly going to benefit her in many shallow ways if he remained this cuddly throughout the rest of the day. “If we weren’t here I’d be recommending going out to celebrate tonight.”

She paused a little at that and looked at him for a moment, not really sure that he was thinking that through entirely. Kendra didn’t really feel like anything tonight, she’d mentioned that this morning. It was part of why she’d been so happy he was too busy to really want much more. “Babe, with all the best intentions in the world I would not be in the mood to celebrate tonight.”

“You’re thinking about Christmas, huh?” Seth asked, slowly wrapping his arm around her and pulling her closer. In fact she’d been trying not to think about Christmas all day. She’d wanted to think about happier things and that had mostly ended in her focusing on everything else that was going on here, but now it had been brought up she couldn’t just ignore it.

“It’s a month today.” She mumbled. There was a part of her that was extremely proud of her for making it this far with everything that she’d been through and that she’d had to deal with over the month, but at the same time she knew that that was only just the beginning. This was going to stay with her forever. “That’s all. Just one month and everything feels like it’s changed.”

“I know, but there is only so much that can happen in a month.” Seth said quietly, kissing her cheek as he leant his forehead against her temple. She wasn’t going to argue that only so much could happen, but unfortunately it was too much. There was too much that had happened and too little that she’d actually processed.

“I think this month tried to challenge that truism.” Kendra suddenly felt an uncontrollable desire to move, to walk and to be alone. It wasn’t an urge that she’d had often since she’d started dating Seth and Lyor, but she tried not to ignore it when it happened. She was sure that Seth would worry, but she’d be back soon and she hoped that he could accept that. “I’ll meet you and Aaron for dinner in an hour, I just want to go for a walk.”

“You sure?” Seth didn’t try to stop her, and there was another rush of love and affection for him that she didn’t expect. Normally people tried to stop her when she suddenly announced that she wanted to go for a walk, but Seth understood her, and just checking that she was sure reminded her why she had fallen for him so swiftly.

“I’m sure.” She was the one to bend down and kiss him this time, knowing that they would have to talk after dinner, but she was ready for that finally. Kendra knew that Seth would listen. “I’ll tell you after.” She promised before kissing him again then grabbing her jacket and scarf. 

The one upside to Camp David being where it was was the amount of space you could be alone in. Kendra’s sense of direction on foot was not great so she didn’t go too far off the the trails, but off course it was cold and dim, so there was nobody out anyway. She found a little bridge over a stream and stopped there, taking a deep breath and just speaking. “Hey dad. I haven’t been able to get out and do this for a while. I just wanted to come out to speak to you.” She said, then just let everything fall out. All the things that she wished she could have told him. It was cathartic and reassuring and just what she needed tonight. She didn’t remember sitting down, but at some point she must have.

“Speaking to your dad, huh?” She heard suddenly behind her and felt like she jumped around a foot. She hadn’t heard anyone coming, but she was immediately calmed when she realised that it was just Mike. Of everyone that she knew he was probably the least likely person to judge. In fact, she knew, they had more in common with their parental situation than the average person would think.

“How’d you know?” She asked, nodding to the bridge beside her, but unsurprisingly Mike waved a hand and instead opted to sit on a large rock to one side. She pulled her legs back over the edge of the bridge and crossed them as she turned to face Mike. 

“I didn’t, it was a guess.” He said honestly, and nodded to the spot that she was sitting in. That made her wonder what she was doing that made him do that. Probably something similar to what she was doing, anyway. “The President likes to talk to Alex like this. Leo too.” 

“Has he lightened up with you?” She asked, not really wanting to think about Alex Kirkman right now. That was part of why she’d wanted to be here in the first place. Thinking of Alex had made her want to talk to her father. She often wanted to speak to him, but she didn’t get the chance.

“Yes, you were right.” Mike nodded, then once again motioned to her. She liked that the two of them could talk this honestly given everything they had both gone through over the last month. “He’s much better with everyone now, not counting the other day.”

“I know. My worry is now he’ll turn it all on himself.” That was something that Kendra had watched people who worked with her father go through, and it was not their fault. She didn’t want to have to see the President go through it, but she was sure that would be how he’d go. He was that kind of person. “He won’t care that there was and is someone responsible… He’ll make it about him.”

“We’ll all just have to face it as it comes.” Mike said wisely. Kendra couldn’t actually argue with that, and it was probably what they were all going to have to do. It was the responsibility of all of them to make sure that there was no reason the presidency could fail. “I’ll let you get back to thinking. Goodnight, Kendra.”

“Night, Mike.” She replied, just smiling a little as he got up and wandered off. Clearly assuring someone that it was just her sat there thinking. She needed to go get dinner, and then maybe she and Seth could sit on the sofa and watch a movie for the rest of the night. That would be calm. Maybe call Lyor and watch the movie all three of them. 

* * *

***Seth***

Seth had been worried about Kendra when one mention of Christmas had sent her running. He didn’t think that he’d be able to cope with it if she ran away from him, so he’d been more relieved than he wanted to admit when she’d arrived at dinner, and that she’d been even more affectionate since she’d got back. When they got back to their cabin they had been even more cuddly. Seth was happy to just be laid there on the sofa, some movie on that Kendra picked. They hadn’t expected a knock on the door. Only Aaron would normally knock for them and Kendra had made it obvious that he shouldn’t distract them tonight. Kendra was the one who got up, pulling her cardigan on as she walked to the door. “Penny, what’s the matter baby?” That made him jump up. 

“Can I come and play here for a bit?” The voice of the ten-year was wavering as she spoke and Seth wondered if she was crying. He didn’t want to make a big deal of it, so he decided not to turn and look at her. He’d see in a second no matter what and Seth was actually just more concerned about what it could mean if she was.

“Of course Pea.” Kendra answered instantly. Seth would have said yes, but there was a part of him that was annoyed that Kendra hadn’t at least looked up at him. Probably if it was anyone else she would have, but Seth knew she felt responsible for Penny and Leo in a way, even though nothing was her fault. “What happened?”

“Dad’s mad again and he won’t stop arguing with some paper.” That didn’t sound good. Seth wondered which paper it was. There were a lot of things, but he had a feeling if it was the speech he would have been summoned by now. The anxious part of his mind kept trying to convince him that it was his problem but he forced it down.

Seth sat down and watched Kendra fret while she drew with Penny. Seth knew that there was something going through her mind, but she obviously wasn’t ready to talk about it. He thought that she would when she was ready, but it clearly wasn’t yet. She was barely even answering Penny, so he dived in for a while. An hour later Penny went to the bathroom, giving them a moment. “Can you stay with her?”

“Of course, what are you going to do?” Seth was worried. There was a look in Kendra’s face that told him this wasn’t going to be something he necessary approved of. He didn’t care how far their relationship went, he wasn’t going to tell Kendra not to do something, that wasn’t who they were. 

“I think it’s time I go and have a long talk with the President about the last month.” That did test him, though. Seth wasn’t sure that Kendra was thinking this through properly. They hadn’t had the best relationship for the last month. They had had so many problems that Seth was going to be worried about her there. He just wanted her to know for sure. He didn’t even need to ask, she knew what he was asking. “I’m sure. He and I were the two most affected, and it’s been a full month.” Seth couldn’t argue with either of those things, but he still didn’t like that it had to be her. “Nobody else can do this the same way as me.”

“I know you’re right but after Tuesday I’m worried.” He pulled her into his arms, just wanting to hold her for a second, and was thankful that she wrapped her arms around him too. It was the reassurance he needed from her there.

“I’ll be alright baby. I promise.” She said quietly into his ear before kissing his neck then pulling away and walking to the doorway. He hated having to watch her walk away like this to something that Seth was sure was going to hurt her. “Entertain Penny.” She said quietly, smiling a little before opening the door and walking out.

That meant that, of course, Seth had to field all the questions when Penny came back into the room, and he wasn’t great at that. It wasn’t hard to convince her that she should watch a movie, and as soon as she was settled he pulled his phone out and went to the far corner. He wanted to see her, but he needed to talk to Lyor too. His worry was that high. “Lyor, you free to talk?” He felt his voice shake as he spoke.

“Seth?” Lyor asked the moment that he heard the tone of Seth’s voice. Lyor may have been terrible at most human emotions, he was good at knowing when something was wrong based on someone’s voice. It was something that Seth used to his advantage when he needed it.

“I just need someone to tell me that I don’t need to worry about Ken talking to the President.” He just needed to hear Lyor say that. It wouldn’t be the same out of anyone else, as they hadn’t seen Kendra at her worst. Lyor had seen all of her, the same as Seth had. It gave them both an insight. 

“You probably don’t, what’s going on?” Lyor sounded a little confused by the whole conversation, and given that Seth hadn’t given any context he couldn’t really blame Lyor for that. He forced himself to take a deep breath and go back to the beginning. It always started there. 

“Well, Penny came to our cabin upset, said the President is mad again. She’s curled up on the sofa with Kendra’s blanket watching Moana while I call you and Kendra speaks with the President.” Seth felt like he was missing parts out, but Lyor would have heard enough gossip that nothing else would be needed. 

After a few seconds of silence Lyor sighed then clearly decided what he was thinking. “And you’re worried what she’s going to come back like?” It was a simple question, but it suddenly made Seth wonder if he was being unreasonable for worrying like this, especially after Kendra had told him not too.

“Wouldn’t you be?” He asked, honestly wanting an answer to that. He felt like Lyor would be just as worried if he were right here rather than in DC. Seth wasn’t going to soon forget that return to rocking her sobbing body to sleep. “You weren’t here the other night but it was bad, Ly.”

“Trust her Seth. She knows how to manage him probably better than anyone else right now.” That may be right, in fact, Seth knew that it was right but it didn’t actually make him feel any better about it. 

“I know you’re right but I’m just worried.” Seth admitted to that, but he wasn’t going to say it to Kendra. He didn’t need to be so worried, but he still as even though he didn’t actually need to be. It was a fear of her going back to the way she’d been before the funeral. He couldn’t do that again. “I don’t want her to backslide.”

“None of us want that but I think she knows what she needs. She’ll be okay Seth.” Lyor reassured him, and he nodded to himself. It was easy to believe it when Lyor was the one saying it. That was when he saw Penny sitting up a little and looking around for him. “Call me when she’s back, go watch Moana with Penny.”

“She’ll make me sing along.” He grumbled, though he didn’t mind. He’d seen this with her a few times now, along with Kendra’s goddaughter, so he knew the words well enough to sing along if that was what Penny wanted to do. Lyor just laughed and wound him up about his singing voice making her more scared than anything her father could do. In the end though, he was more ready to wait. It would be alright. Everything would be alright.

* * *

***Tom***

What was it with this Congress. How could they send him such piss-poor proposals on things that were designed to make everyone safer. Nobody should be able to do whatever the hell they wanted regardless of the law, but sometimes he wondered if Congress wouldn’t sooner abolish all laws. He was still fuming at this raft of proposals when he heard a knock at the door. When Penny didn’t come running he stomped over and threw the door open. “What do you want?”

“We need to talk.” Kendra said, stepping in and closing the door. He didn’t like the sound of that, and was about to mention that Penny was somewhere around when Kendra held her hand up. “Penny’s already with Seth, and I don’t know what happened but she was pretty upset when she came over.”

“Do we have to do this now?” He asked, there was no reason he could see that kendra would have to talk to him urgently. This proposal didn’t even need to go through the counsels office yet as nobody had actually presented it as anything more than being a possible idea. What she was doing here he didn’t know, or really care.

“Yes. We do need to do this now. We need to get this out in the open.” She came and stood close to him and that made him realise that she was serious about this. Her voice dropping brought him in, just like it always did. That was something that Alex had always done when she’d wanted his attention too. “Just two people again, right? Kendra and Tom.”

“Alright…” He agreed, but he had no idea why. Probably because hardly anybody spoke to him as just himself. Funnily enough, both the women who did now had the surname of ‘Daynes’, that should really tell Tom that he wasn’t going to be able to deny this, and he was going to listen to her regardless.

Kendra walked in and sat down then went silent, clearly waiting for him to come and sit with her. He went as slowly as he could, but as soon as he was sat in a chair. “I don’t care how hard life is for you right now. It’s never going to go back to the way it was.” She wasn’t mincing her words, and Tom appreciated that but at the same he didn’t know how he felt about being spoken to like this right now. “You have to stop being pissed at everyone else.” 

“I’m not.” He argued immediately. He wasn’t pissed at anyone without a good reason. It wasn’t his fault that people kept giving him really good reasons to be angry with them, and that he wasn’t in the mood to suffer fools gladly any longer. He needed them to stop and then he wouldn’t be pissed. That was how it worked, he wanted to believe that.

“You’re lying.” She was confident about that and when Tom looked at her his bravado crumbled and he felt his shoulders slump. “I’ve been here. For the entire month I’ve been right here. I’ve taken everything that you’ve thrown at me, and every time I think you’re getting through it you have a setback again.”

“Grief isn’t linear Kendra, you should know that.” Tom said, still defensively, but less angry about it. What it was really was that he didn’t like being pointed out that he was the one entirely in the wrong. He only noticed when someone was talking to him like this, the rest of the time he could fool himself.

“I do, but I also don’t use my grief as a weapon.” Kendra was still speaking calmly, and that was such a counterpoint to the tumultuous emotions that were flowing through him right now. “I don’t scream at you or Seth or the rest of the staff every night that I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t get Alex’s face out of my mind.” There was a brutal honesty in those words that forced his eyes up to meet hers. “I don’t drink myself into a stupor when I remember the sound of the accident, being held back by secret service. I remember all of it”

“I never… I didn’t think about it that way.” Really it was that Tom had never really thought about the fact that Kendra had seen it. She had been there and she’d known what happened personally, she had a much more personal memory of that moment than he did. It was that realisation that just broke him further, and he couldn’t imagine how he was doing this. “I miss her so much Kendra.”

“Me too. I only knew her a few weeks, I know… but she was an inspiration to me.” It was nice to hear that from someone who wasn’t family. He wanted to know that Alex had touched more than just his life. “You have Penny and Leo who need you to try and take control of this. You have a country that is depending on you and a staff that doesn’t know what you want them to do.”

“I don’t know what I want them to do.” He felt a dryness in his throat, and the burning of tears that remained unshed in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want to admit that but he didn’t know what he wanted them to do. He didn’t know what he wanted to do himself. Tom wanted to curl into a ball, but he knew Kendra was right. 

“We take it one day at a time, all of us together.” She said quietly, moving forward on the sofa and reaching out to put her hand on top of his and give it a gentle, supportive squeeze. “However you’ve treated us we’re all still here for you, and most people never have that kind of loyalty.”

“I already have therapy.” He mentioned, he knew that he’d told her before but it was a good time to remind her that he wasn’t going entirely without help. He was trying to get better, as much as he could anyway.

“We’re going to talk with him about increasing your number of sessions with him. I already talked to Emily.” Of course she had. Kendra was uniquely suited for meddling, in the best kind of way. “You can be angry, but you can’t take it out on everyone else.” That seemed like it was something he needed to work on more. “But you made probably the hardest milestone.”

“What’s that?” He didn’t feel like he’d made it at all. He felt like he’d been dragged kicking and screaming across whatever marker it was that Kendra was thinking of. Nothing seemed like they’d made it. Or that this was the hardest time. 

“You lived through the first thirty-one days.” She squeezed his hand again, and when he looked up she continued talking, once again just reassuring him. “It’s all uphill from here, and we’re all here.”

“It’s been one hell of a month.” He sighed and looked down at his hands. One month. Just one month. But he’d lived through it. They’d all lived through it, and now they just needed to go on living. They had to do it. For Alex.


	34. January 30th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! We made it!!! 
> 
> Special thanks, as always, to my very best friend PinkAngel. Who proofreads every chapter and is the first to yell at me about everything.
> 
> Additional special thanks to Hideous Sun Demon and PheobeJS. Thanks to your existential screaming and shouting. It fed the muse. (I hope it lives up to your request A!)

**_January 30th 2018_ **

* * *

***Kendra***

The speech had gone swimmingly, and Kendra was just waiting for Seth to get back with the President before she and Lyor headed off. They really should have already been there, but Kendra hadn’t been able to go without seeing Seth and, secretly, she didn’t think Lyor had wanted to go before that either, he just hadn’t had a good reason to stay. She was almost impatiently bouncing on the spot. She and Lyor hadn’t been at the capitol, part of that was the decision that there should always be senior staff left in the White House to take over should anything happen again. As soon as the door opened and she spotted Seth she all but bounced over to him and threw her arms around him. “Well done baby that was amazing!”

“Thanks.” Seth smiled, clearly already having been congratulated numerous times but Kendra knew he always felt a little more self conscious when it was her or Lyor giving him the praise. That didn’t stop her giving it, in fact, gave her a reason to give more. “I think it did well?” He asked, and Kendra only knew the basics from one of her many calls to their pollster.

“We haven’t got the full breakdown yet and Lyor and I will be going over to the polling place when we’re done here but I wanted to tell you I’m proud of you.” She kissed him a few more times, hopefully making everyone else a little bit uncomfortable to be in the room, then she stepped back and smiled to the President. “And it looked good, sir.”

“You’ll call me from the polling place?” Seth asked, this time more directing his question to Lyor than to her. Kendra was happy about that. Standing with her arm around Seth. In a way she was sad that Lyor couldn’t show it this way. But she’d be sure that she gave him plenty of space to do it when they were home. 

“Of course. Well done.” Lyor squeezed his shoulder instead, and Kendra just smiled and gave Seth another squeeze, understanding exactly what it was that Lyor wanted her to do for him. She then was ready to leave when she noticed that the others weren’t moving either and she wondered why.

“Kendra, Lyor one moment please?” When the President asked for you to stop there wasn’t really anything that you could argue. “Over the last month the five of you have done extraordinary things while I’ve not always been the most cooperative of bosses to help that.”

“You can say that again.” Kendra heard Lyor mutter, and heard to whoosh of air when Seth elbowed him maybe a little too hard. He actually did deserve that though, it seemed that the President was finally ready to speak about his last month.

Unfortunately the President had heard Lyor being a smartass and paused, looking over to where the three of them were stood together and Kendra had to school her features into a look of innocence. “Pardon?” 

“Nothing.” She answered quickly, making sure to throw a glare at Lyor as she did. She might had been the one to let him off with it but she wasn’t going to take the blame for him if anyone was pressing.

It seemed like he decided to brush over it and walked in front of her and smiled softly. “Kendra, thank you for pushing me through, even when I’ve hated your breathing guts.” Well, it was nice to know that he had actually felt that way and it hadn’t all been in her mind, made it easier for her to admit her thing too.

“There have been times where the feeling was mutual, sir.” She smiled, feeling Seth’s arm resting behind her and pulling her against him with a grin. She only needed to look out the corner of her eyes to know that he was finally grinning. Hopefully about tonight. 

“Seth, Lyor. You two are a match made in heaven.” That was also something that Kendra wasn’t going to argue with, as she would have said it herself. Though that would have been in a much more private situation. She didn’t think that the President had any clue about the double meaning. “I’m glad you both work so well together, and so closely.”

As he stepped away Kendra felt Seth lean over to whisper in her ear quietly, after having already whispered it to Lyor who was just shaking his head. “You know one day we’re going to have to tell him.” 

“We don’t need to give him a coronary on top of everything else. Now both of you behave.” She said that loud enough that it would carry it over to Lyor, and she was fairly certain that they were both going to ignore that. Especially when she saw Seth roll his eyes subtly. “I mean it Seth.”

They were all drawn back to paying attention to the President once he was done speaking with Emily, Aaron and Mike. “We’ll get the numbers from the polls in a few days, early numbers in a few hours but no matter what I wanted to say this from the bottom of my heart to all of you. Thank you.” He smile widely, and Kendra felt herself breaking into a smile too. “Now, Seth has people waiting to congratulate him, and Lyor and Kendra have pollsters waiting.”


End file.
